I can't believe how completely fake she can be, I wish I could meet who she actually is, I never have, and she's always changing. you're so easily broken. I feel like I'm falling apart, and my whole life is just crashing down. and no one is making it any better. and for the record, whatever girl you were, HardLove is not a genderbook, and it was amazing, and there is no way Alex, or Colby, or whatever she wants to call her fucking self, will ever understand what that book meant to me, or what anyboook I have read that has mad a profound change in my life means to me, and I'm tired of being called unemotional and uncaring because I've given up on a girl who doesn't deserve to be wasted on because she lies, and pretends to be someone she isn't, and can't even keep her own name because she's too afraid of people. This isn't where I thought my life would be. I hate drama.

I had maybe the most meaningful conversation today, it lasted two minutes, and it was with a girl I have generally been avoiding for awhile, and she still talks to me and looks past all the crap I put her, and a lot of other people through. I can't word things right, and it causes people to get mad at me, and I normally can deal with it, because it normally only happens around people I really don't care about, but when it happens with a person you care about, and you really care about them, and all you wanted to know was if anything was wrong, and then they tell you to fuck off because you said something wrong, it hurts. August to November was probably the best part of this year, because nothing bad happened, and everything seemed great and wonderful, and it's amazing how fast things can go from being perfect to horrible withen the time frame of thirty-four hours. No one thing could ever be enough to ruin perfect, but after a couple things, it adds up, and perfect doesn't suddenly seem so wonderful anymore, and that's when you realize that you aren't perfect anymore, and your relationship is doomed, hopeless, and probably already over, and unless you are in love with someone, you aren't going to get past these roadblocks keeping you from happiness. Among the only people I think that really got past these cinderblock stop signs are my grandparents, my neighbor, and at one point, I had hoped Alex and I could. I don't doubt that we could now, but I think it would be harder to do it. And I don't worry that we won't because I have a feeling somewhere down the line eventually we are going to get caught back into this tangly mess, but we won't mess it up as bad as we did this time. When I say we, I really do mean just me, because Alex was perfect, she was the best girlfriend anyone could have, and I kept messing up. And I feel horrible because of that. I just thought I had to say that. and its obvious why i picked this diary to do it

this diary never had a theme. and that is why i loved it. and now it does. thanks to a conceited obsessive girl, and a prep. (you can choose which is which) i think it's time to delete some comments and make it friends only. or maybe.. get a new diary and not tell anyone. or give up sitdiary

no one comment on here. ever again. you fucking people have ruined the best thing i got online for. i hate you, i hate this place now. thank you scott for the year or two you saved me. fuck you all for ruining it.

no one comment on here. ever again. you fucking people have ruined the best thing i got online for. i hate you, i hate this place now. thank you scott for the year or two you saved me. fuck you all for ruining it.

no one comment on here. ever again. you fucking people have ruined the best thing i got online for. i hate you, i hate this place now. thank you scott for the year or two you saved me. fuck you all for ruining it.

fuck you leeann. okay? if it involved you; someone would of put you there. but it doesn't. you are a sidekick to a casuality. GET OVER IT. it's not hurting you. and for the record your royal BLINDNESS, she has hurt me, often, she lies, a lot, she keeps things from me, and she breaks promises. you know how doesn't do that? a girl amillionmilesawaywhoicanatleasttrust. jesus i'm fucking done with sitdiary. because people obviously don't care about sitdiary, and it used to be so awesome, and now people treat it like another diary site, it used to be a community. this is over. &&and so are you

I realize I am a very controversal person without meaning to be. People get mad at me easily just for being the way I am. The things I do make my friens hate me just because they want to. but the truth is;; i'm sick of you

When you watch love live and die you understand exactly what it means. As you watch it fall out of your hands and into another you don't understand what you have lost, you never really know until you see someone else with it how much you might need it; but most of all you don't know what love is until you have experienced it, lost it, and watched your friend lose it. I keep telling myself this isn't about me but I think it is. I realized today how often I lie and for the little reason I do, and I have decided I am going to try and stop lying as much as I can, and I promise I won't cuss anymore because I told I wouldn't, and I don't lie anymore. Tomorrow seems like it is going to be an ill-faded photograph and I just don't want to wake up for it. I never understood how pathetic certain people can be and how long it could take to realize it, and I feel horrible now for not seeing it as I laughed silently at my own stupidity. The people on my bus are shallow and self absorbed, I tried to read my book undesturbed and enjoy the weather that is prisoned off from me by a inch of glass and metal but I couldn't as I listened to a girl rant on about how unforgetable she is and how some young boy is probably head over heels sick as he wishes she were there. So yes, that is how my day always works out, the suspense adds to my emotional tornado and it stops without a whirr as I climb the fateless steps and trip over myself finding a way back to my seat in the back where Thomson and Carol wait perminately inked onto the green psuedoleather back of the seat in front of me. My days repeat, at one time I believed all days where like snowflakes, you see thousands before you die and no two are like, but now I think I may only see hundreds and that they will all be the same.

...and I hate it. This week has gone by on a interstate with no speedlimit, everything has been in slow motion though, and this is just another slow motion high speed day. This year has been a ride in a rocket ship, amazingly fast and far to many things to remember let alone talk about. I never felt like I belonged at this school though, and I still have nothing to grasp on to and feel that belonging. It's been a really weird year and I never imagined it could get like this. Last night was really different, everyone was making fun of me, and I was just depressed before that, and I barely talked, and when I said something they asked why I was talking, it was weird. Ally called, and I barely talked, and I feel horrible. I'd go back in time and give Alex a pretty school picture, get enough sleep so I could be the Greg Ally wants me to be. It's just lame when kids right Mae for the month of May..

tomorrow can be last summer, with acustic songs and hour long talks as we sit alone in a hotel room together talking away the memories. These faded dreams are pasts upon pasts. It's been a month now and I'm alright, this is the time where I remember all that has happened due to them & all this is just a memory now and I am happy to say that I am okay now.

My grandfather gave me an antique camera with a different button for the flash & it uses 40mm film. It is amazing; but I have no idea where to find film. today is mother'sday;; i hope you have a great one. check out this band: the eyeliners they will blow your head apart. (this whole entry is bathed in emerson, lake, and palmer lyrics from karn evil no.9)

In the morning everyone looks terrible and blinks coldy toward the warm sun air, as they sip at coffee that is either too hot or just a tad bit too cold, no one wants to be seen in this hour yet let the ones closest to them notice them undressing from their pajamas before they have make-up, let their lovers slip in the shower as the dreams wash away in the reusable water cities will pump into your glass tonight. We all are mearly innocent children in the morning sun, and how I wish it would be this way all day long. At night time our business clothes come off and our naked bodies go out and do the most vile of things as we kiss and touch while things are slid into the other and a sigh escapes as we lose our innocence again tonight, we take our time and eat dinner with a movie as well, we enjoy being together and the only way we can do these things is by knowing that in the morning the story repeats as innocent characters to lying business men & as we end the day with a lustful passionate embrace. Has anyone ever noticed that life is a mirror to whatever you look at first? If you are thinking about something, you can make everything relate to so easily, life is a mirror to thought, and the secret of life is to find how to make thought the mirror to life, and then you can be exactly what you are: you. No one really ever does it, it's against human nature, but some strive for it. neverrrrrx email: automatikk_xboy@hotmail.com

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight is my favorite song; or one of them. I have many, but it is one of my favorite songs. It makes me think life is going to be okay someday, that nothing is perminant, and like the song, I feel like a visitor. So as I watch the world through my thick-black plastic glasses and wear my band-shirts, my converse shoes, and have my heart and opinions on my sleeve I let everyone known exactly who I am with a simple Hello. I like to make my self-present, I want people to know I am there, I want to be recognized but not neccisarily understood, which makes me mysterious, which makes it hard to keep strong relationships. I believe in an alternant-reality, but not like most people do, mine doesn't involve aliens and _StarWars. Mine involves truth and honesty, and I have even made this place a reality with neverrrrrx, which is most important to me. I don't like people who consider themselves better, I don't like people who know they are pretty, because they get biast. I enjoy having a multitude of clocks with different times displayed on the faces, yet I strive to keep them all on the same time, I like paintings and posters. I like antique drawings and antique art. I like high-priced extravigant calculators. I love cd-rws. This is an entry in a ramble, but a deep confession

this could possibly my fifthteenth diary; i just don't know. I just left a relationship.