joey, so hi joey! it's katie... i just wanted to say that you are completely awesome! i've missed our fantastic all night talks... it's pretty sad. get online more and we will talk, cause i miss ya. i hope you're doing good. i hope vanessa(little one) is doing good too. i hope to talk to you soon. keep your head up.

i can't wait to end this madness!!

i realized today that in almost any situation i have nothing to say. i am ammusing some what, but genrally if i'm not making an ass out of myself i'm pretty boring. i like to talk to people too, i just am usually either the topic of conversation well at least the butt of a joke or something. it's been that way for ever everyone has always tried to bring me down. i'm really not a horrible sad emo kid in fact i haven't been a kid for some time now. yeah that's a fun topic to deal with, i wish that i could just fit in sometimes. i have had a lot of good stuff happen to me don't get me wrong. it's has always seemed funny to me that i always envied the ones who envy me.

its very nice katie, thank you.

i can't understand why i do this at all. i am so bored with this life it drives me crazy. when i was your age i was a star. i dominated the campus, how much difference a few years can make. i have been all over this stupid globe, and everything is the same as far as i can tell. there's always the same groups, including those of you who think you're so different. i have truly met maybe two unique people in my life and hundreds of different variations of them. it's very funny i used to think that there can't be another person who is anything like me, and in a way i really haven't met anyone like that yet. i almost on a daily basis get mistaken for someone else, or told that i look just like a friend of theres. evertime i have met them i think what the hell?? yes i have learned that i may be unique, but i'm definately not different. what makes me different?? oops, i mean unique? one might believe that they are special because it's not likely that any other person is thinking of the exact same thing they are thinking at that exact moment. that's something unique, but is it really how do i know what you are thinking? maybe what makes me unique is that i actually just put thought to that? whatever it is it very hard to tell. you can study the great philosophers, and realize they didn't have any better ideas than you. well maybe not i mean most people that i meet barely seem to function. well this is the closest thing i will ever have to a rant. i hope you didn't just read that expect something better i must be one of those people i was just talking about.

"Old Man" you tell me of a place where everybody knew their neighbors all the families helped each other and no one ever locked their doors you tell me no one locked their doors old man please stay a while i know at first i seemed too busy but now i'll make the time stay and tell me one more story tell me about the time you ditched school to go fishing you thought the branch would hold your neighbor pulled you from the river he helped you wash your clothes and stitch the hole in your trousers and your mom never knew why he giggled when he saw you a place where no one locks their doors a place where no one locks their doors you tell me that you would show me only now it is too late i would like to build community only now it is too late things can never be the way they were before you can't go back to how things were before once the trust is gone once the trust is gone once the trust is gone you'll lock the door i can imagine that life but it seems so far from real it's just like a story that's the kind of life i've never known old man you're leaving now taking with you things i've never known i wonder where you're going and if it would be like your old home i hope you find the place you're looking for

wow, it's that time again. me and my old friend the motel room. white walls, flowered blankets, stained sheets. this is the last time i ever do this. maybe now i can just do records and live like a king. well i was walking down the streets of vegas thinking about making some money at the slots. oh well that's probably the worst idea i could think of. rooney's and andrew want to go see strippers and all i want to do is get one of those huge hot dogs. so here's the compromise i get my hot dog and we go to bikini bull riding, yeehaw. well we go to the joint and its packed full of hicks. the guy tells us, "not till 10:30 dude." so i decide to browse the casino, what a dump. this is crazy, what am i doing here??? why am i doing this at this old age? i think i want to go home and relax. oh well you wanted this before i guess you better straighten up. hopefully i can fall asleep soon but i doubt it.

fortunes are lost on a roll of the dice. im up late again wishing i had made better decisions in my life. i wish i had gone with a different major in college. i wish i could make the world happier with my asseverate wit. lost my ambition in 1994 and i dont think i want it back. i wish i didn't have a list of people that i want to punch in the face. i wish that my friends didn't look at me that way. i can't go back now, well at least i don't think i remember how. i wish i could pin point the day that i went wrong. i wish i had some of those magic beans so i could travel back in tome and understand why i am this way. why the hell can't i be as funny as conan o'brien? why am i jealous of people like that in the first place? oh well i guess i'll go fishing.

let me just start off b saying i hit m head really hard today, and my "Y" doesn't work very well. it was the craziest summer of my life, me and the guys headed to the cliffs. we would go there just about every weekend it was a great time. basically it was the same story all of our lives, storzy and me going craz as usual kevin sitting on the rock being a pussy. we would almost always start off with the waterfall it was pretty much the best waterslide you could go on. well it wouldn't take long for me and storzy to be jumping off the to the rock so we could flip into the water. it was great i'm not sure who figured out that you could do that but it always seemed like the greatest stunt you could do. well the cliffs weren't nearly as fun as doing stunts from the waterfall to the rock, but we still had to takle the cliffs everytime. i would do flips off the 20 foot jump all the time, and everyone thought that was so stupid. storzy was the only person who ever really understood what it was all about. i guess we were just suicidal bros. that was how we lived our lives. nothing was out of the question to die would be freedom. freedom from our shitty little lives. we even got semi-matching tattos, his was a suicide king and mine reads kamikaze superstar. well this day we decided to go to the top, now its hard to even get up there. i wanted to look over the edge to see how high it reall was. i have since been told it's about 45 feet. well aparently wet feet and 50ft cliffs aren't the best combination. so as you can imagine i slipped, i grabbed the side and held on for dear life. storzy was there with me all the way, he grabbed my arm, and desperately tried to pull me back up. i could feel that he was going to slip too. so i looked at this friend willing to risk his own life to save me, and said, "let me go." he wouldn't let go at first, but when he looked in my eyes we made that connection. it's the connection that i feel only two people who have no fear of death can understand. so i fell, it's sort of funny because my life didn't flash before my eyes, all i thought was i hope i hit the water. pain, hard ass hit but i'm alive, and not broken in two. kevin who had been sitting on the rock as usual jumped in right after me, and dragged me to the side. storzy came up and said, "ready to go again." i reached my hand out, and he took it, and pulled me up. we never talked about that incident again, it was the past. i just found out today that my good friend brian "storzy" storz died today i will never forget you. dam-sin boys for life.

my mother was sick for 10 years, i never wanted to admit it. i sat there ignoring the fact that this woman a child of the depression was actually going to die. she grew up with the atitude that she would never take crap from anyone. her childhood was rough, her family were straight up okies. they rolled into porterville, ca. and decide to make a go of it. i have no idea what that must have been like, i still remember seeing a sign that said, "no work for you go home," leading into my fathers home town of lindsay. then you'd drive through and see a sign leading into porterville that read, "japs don't let the sun go down while you're in town," thats the kinda town it was. she was amazing one of the smartest people i have ever met. i miss her more today then the day she died, i guess i try to be strong, but it's not that easy. she smoked for 50+ years and her diet wasn't exactly healthy. she had 5 kids 4 of which in about 5 years. i have thrown a lot of blame on myself. it wasn't even 2 weeks before we had to take her to the hospital that i was yelling at my dad and threw a potato wedge at him. that day she told me, "why don't you just kill me." those words haunt me every day. people always tell me that's not why she died, but i know she died of a broken heart, and now there's no wa for me to fix it.

i was 17 i had everything, i was ranked #1 in the state, i was captain of the football team, and well i at least was a member of the baseball team. the only thing that ever mattered to me was wrestling, by 17 i had been doing for 11 years. i had a lot of success my whole life in that sport. my high school years had been a let down for the most part to this point. so i would run, running was the answer. my heart would pound my lungs would ache, but i would still run. my sophmore year was ok i made it to state, and did ver well for my age. i wanted to win, winning was the only way that i would be happy. so i would train more, i never could train enough morning practices running at lunch, team practice in the afternoon. after all that i would go to the gm and lift for about 2 hours. the gym is where you make the difference, one more rep ten more pounds it never ends. so i would run, running was the onl place that i was free. i didn't have someone telling me to go harder it just was a street and me. i hated cutting weight but it was a necessary evil to do my best, so i did it with the best of them. 5 pounds today, 10 pounds next week. it sucks m coach would say, "why do you let yourself gain so much weight over the weekend?" i had no answer, so i would run even more. the season was almost over, and i had done as expected. as i said i was ranked #1 in the state, and was undefeated and had only had one real close match the whole season. then in the semifinals it happened, somehow i was on my back. i scrambled as quickly as possible to get off eventually getting out of bounds. i looked at the score and for the 1st time all season i was behind. the score was 6-2 and there wasn't much time left. i started shooting one takedown would make it 6-4. about 30 seconds left now, i let him go 7-4, shoot another takedown. now it's 7-6, i see the kid with the towel i have to go for it one more takedown. 8-6 i shoot and hear "TIME". i'm laying on the mat, he's runnning and jumping all over the mat. the only thing i can do is get up and shake his hand. then i run, because i have no idea what else to do.

so many times i wonder what the hey, about this time i say oh yeah. so i was thinking last night, man that super dave osbourne is a talented man. right around that time i started thinking i wish i was as smart a fuji. oh wow my friend is calling me. i talked to this girl the other day and she told me a very interesting story. she was telling about hopping trains or something. well it just sounded like a silly idea because shes a cute little girl and being a hobo does not become her. so i guess thats about as exciting as my day was today. oh vanessa slipped off the diving board today and now she has a blackeye. she was a real trooper though she didn't even cry. so anyway........

ok i was told by someone that i needed to change what i had before. Slow dulcimer, gavotte and bow, in autumn, Bashõ and his friends go out to view the moon; In summer, gasoline rainbow in the gutter, The secret courtesy that courses like ichor Through the old form of the rude, full-scale joke, Impossible to tell in writing. "Bashõ" He named himself, "Banana Tree": banana After the plant some grateful students gave him, Maybe in appreciation of his guidance -insanekitty

funny thing happened to me, well its not really that funny but, i can laugh at myself and anyone else should too. so i'm driving down the road minding my own business when BANG! yep i blew a tire. now i know what you're thinking that's not that bad, it happens to everyone. well this is how stupid i am, this car is a little over 40 years old and i have left the top at home. i of course have 20 in. tires because you know i have to be cool, and i only bought 4 because i'm such a cheepskate. now i dont want to leave the thing on the side of the road because i have several hundred dollars worth of cd's and crap in it. i will never leave my home without my phone again. so what can i do? i take the tire off and start walking carrying the tire down the freeway, well after about ten seconds im sort rolling it. i'm just about to jump into the creek when this kind mexican family picks me up. there's about 8 people already in this van but they scooch and let me in anyway. they start driving back to the town, and all i can think about is wow they really talk like that 24/7 well isn't that something. lame story short i got to town called a tow truck and some ass stole a bunch of stuff from my car. "America what a country"

so i cant write a sentence witout think about the Simpsons episode i saw that day. I try to explain things to you but end up in deeper shit. i say to much and i'm not a very good listener, its not that i dont try. My life is complicated, but it's mostly that way because I make it that way. I can't sleep, I eat too much junk, I've out Peter panned all my friends. you tell me to listen more, she tells me go to hell, Vanessa tells me I'm a nerd. I wish I could go to Moe's, drink a couple Duff's drown my sorrows with my only friends. I can't believe how bad my spelling is, what an embarrassment I have a Bachelors degree in English. I guess I'm just a product of the spell check era. Maybe that's my whole problem in a nutshell, the ability to edit myself at any time. So I hide behind that, carefully editing myself so everyone thinks I'm brite and witty, but when I show myself I don't come off that good. I'm growing very tired, and I think I've officially lost it all.

I stared at the wall for 4 hours today, I had an idea that if I concentrated enough it would move. I guess I'm just a product of the George Lucas era, I always dreamed that if you really wanted you could use the force. One day I swore I moved my toothbrush. Funny thing when you stare at a wall it begins to make sense, you lose touch with the world outside. It's like the wall is anything or anyone. It can be that stupid girl who told you, I just wanna be friends in the 9th grade. It's the people who said that you're just not what were looking for. It's that friend who you always say you are going to call but never do. When you concentrate hard enough you lose track of everything, it"s just you and that wall. I felt as if that wall and I had made a special connection that only we knew about, our own little secret. I told it my fears and it stood still, I told it my worries and it stood still. The wall listened to me it didn't descriminate against my faults. It was about the best friend I had ever met. All comments must be approved by Katie

why don't you call me? i remember a time when we were young, and in love. I remember sitting at Carl's jr. writing love notes to you, and waiting for you to get off work. We use to play hangman, and you'd make that funny face, like i was the greatest person you had ever met. It's been 3 months since we last talked, and that time wasn't good. I can hear you telling me, "why don't you just grow up?" I thought I had, I gave up the road for you, I gave up my music for you. I'm giving up the crazy euphoric dream that I was always going to be your hero. Remember when you wrecked my moms car? We were covered in mud up to our waists. Remember how I carried you on my back up the off ramp? I was pretty heroic that night, well at least I tried. If you'd only call me I could keep my sanity for one more day.

ughhh, another rancid motel room in an even crapier town, what a life i lead. i guess i'll see whats on TV, of course the cable is out. Ron Popeil please don't fail me now. Yes Ron that is an unbelievable deal. maybe I'll put a quarter in the bed, and relax my cares away, maybe not. Do they even make those kind of beds anymore? I want to go to sleep, but you know how that goes. maybe if i just close my eyes. Oh God, what's that smell? the bathroom smells like the stench of 100 years of stupid sorority girls who had one too many. Maybe it's that fat guy who said, "one for the road honey," this place is killing me. I can't take it anymore I'm going to order some porn. God what have i become? Am i that guy who goes to sleezy motels to masterbate, and cry? Maybe if i just close my eyes. Ahhhhh mannn, some guy was in this bed masterbating and crying. Why can't i just sleep? I wonder what Minerva's doing? She's probably asleep. She's not going to want to talk to me anyway. Oh god, its 4:30, if i go to sleep now i can still get 4 hrs sleep in I'll be allright with that. I wonder what color that is? Is that ege shell white? What is the difference? what's with this freakin lump? I'm just gonna close my eyes. "Wake up fucker,it's 9 o'clock. What are you a fucking candy ass?" Ok lets go. "Man your room stinks, did you at least leave a quarter."

I ♥ Katie, cause she's the best girl in the whole wide world!!!