and as for the updates on this story... the updates have been postponed. they will continue when askthelovers ends. i do not know how long that will take, but it is reaching its end.

written by cassandra appleby. and lara feghali.

IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME... I WOULD HAVE KISSED YOU. EVEN IF THEY WERE ALL WATCHING. I sit at the park. Atop a hill... on the same bench that has been there since 1989. A little boy walks by and smiles at me. In one hand I am holding my cell phone. In the other, quietly on my belly. I feel little pokes of her legs, trying to kick her way out of my skin. I poke back. We're playing a game. I keep wondering what her name will be, as I look up around the sky. Random words are passing through my mind as suggestions, some words from my head and others from the names being called out. "Mary. Jane. Lara. Cassie. Fran. Sun. Clouds. Moon. Sky." Some things distracted me as I looked into the cloudy sky, interrupting my foggy mind. There was no way I could think of a name alone. A name beautiful enough to be fit for my daughter. I couldn't do anything alone. How would I survive? I looked down. I have stopped poking. Baby keeps poking, then pausing, waiting for me to poke back. When I don't she gets tired and eventually stops. Which is when I begin to cry.

THEY ALWAYS SAID IT'LL GO AWAY. The sky had been raining for several weeks. The world felt cold and slightly lonely. Today felt like such a terrible day. I was alone except for myself. Everyone referred to my baby now as my "5-month-old problem." Godamn. Whatever happened to Josh? It didn't matter now. Wherever he was, he wasn't here. As much as I wished for the sun to shine, it was like wishing for world peace. Not a large possibility. I walked into my family doctor's office, alone. It was highly embarrassing to see the doctor that I've known before I was born. But I had to face her, unfourtunatly. Inside the waiting room was much more...nicer, especially in comparasion to the abortion clinic. I shuddered at the thought. My legs carried my pregnant body all the way to the front desk. The nurse sitting looked extremly uptight, with her red hair tied so tight back that her face streched her lips inches than what looked natural. "Um. Hi." I spoke, trying to fake innocence. She didn't look up. "Mmmhmh?" "I have an appointment." She took a chewed up pen out of her mouth, a habit which should have been given up years ago, looked at me, blinking. "Well, I know that. What is your name?" As if I really needed this shit. "Lorraine." "Last name, hun." Her voice spoke purely out of bitchyness. Before I could lager at this woman for her rudeness, Dr. Loring opened the door of the waiting room. "Lorraine! Honey! Hi!" She opened her arms wide and hugged me, pretending not to notice anything unusual. I hugged her back, feeling my stomache getting slightly squished. "Come on in." I loved her for her niceness. I smiled, extremly embarrassed. Dr. Loring sat me down on a stiff wrinkly bed. "Okay, Lorraine." She got out a paper attached to a writing board. "So you're pregnant.... how far along are you?" I thought for a moment. "I think I'm five months." I rubbed around my belly button. "Wow, you're awfully small for five months..." I took this as a compliment. When I smiled, it was immediatly taken away. "That's not good..." Spoke Dr. Loring. Crap. "Ok, hun, lay down." She got out a strange looking contraption. "You're going to have your very first ultra sound!" "Yay!" I giggled. She lifted my shirt to my bra, and put a bunch of thick clear liquid on my belly. I looked at the screen, almost dying of emotion. I saw my baby! I could barely see the screen out of the blurriness of my eyes. I was so happy, just overcome with emotion. "Aww... hun, your baby is gorgeous.... Okay... you're five and a half months pregnant... your baby is healthy... could be bigger though. You need to eat a lot, you're currently 120 pounds, by next visit, which will be next month, you should be approximatly 135. It could be very dangerous if you don't gain any weight." I barely heard what she was blabbering about, but my baby... my baby... "Do you want to know the gender?" I smiled and looked to her, tearing my eyes away from the screen, wiping my eyes. "I already know." "Really? Okay, what's your guess?" She smiled back, doubtfully. "It's a girl, isn't it?" I guessed. She smiled a yes. "How did you know?" Dr. Loring replied, curiously. I looked back at the screen. "Because I can feel it."

hey hey! ladies and jelly beans... i am so sorry. no seriously. it's CHEAP the way i havent been updating... it's been a MONTH and i am really sorry. ive been going through a tough time but i will most def. attempt updating more. fo'sho. in the meantime... i have other stories! in order in which was written. to begin: (i highly suggest you read askthelovers.) 1. Janeisdead- (completed.) 2. Forgetdecember- (this one, duh.) 3. notlookingback- (it's a sweet love story.) 4. dontlookdown- (going to begin soon.) *5. askthelovers- (a lot of chapters, getting really really good, ill admit, im proud of myself.)

COULDN'T STAY TO WATCH ME CRY YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME. Jamie went with me to the doctor's office this time. My mother thought she had been through enough, but she had no idea what I was going through. I felt like whatever was living inside me was going to die by itself, and everything was all my fault. Jamie opened the glass door for me as I stepped inside, shaking. "Relax..." she whispered. As Jamie filled out papers for me at the front desk, I saw the doctor who attempted an abortion on me. I ran to him. "Hi, do you remember me?" He paused for a second, his eyes narrowing, searching for a name. "Ah, yes. Lorraine." He realized. "I just wanted to ask..." and suddenly my voice became as shaky as my hands. "...what happened?" He sighed. "Come with me." I motioned a "hold on a sec" look to Jamie who stood dumbfounded. He led me to a small blue room which was colder than it looked. "Okay." He began. "...This could cost me my job... I realized how badly you wanted your baby. It was your decision, not mine." He stood placidly, looking over his shoulder after every word. "...and now you have to go to your family doctor and get your pre-natal vitamins and you are in dire need of a checkup... if you don't get one, you AND your baby are... gone."

hello, lovers. this story is moving along quite quickly. when you notice a delay... it means all the inspiration is building up.. meaning i'll post several chapters at a time. i'm continuing this story... yet i made two others... askthelovers (this one is going by quite slowly and i will start over when the inspiration kicks in. but i will finish this one.... or should i say, start it.) and notlookingback (this one is based on an almost true story. not all the events are true, but i'm getting it from a real life thing currently happening. its highly exaggerated, though.) and for all the people who copy stories as their own... these are copyrighted unfourtunatly for you.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT AFTER YOU. James drove me home, but my mom was already waiting outside. James drove away while my mother stared, disapointed. "The doctor called." Was all she said. "Okay?" I tried to move past her, but she blocked my way. "Yes?" I said a little more defiantly than I should have. "The abortion went wrong." My eyes burned, and it wasn't from last night. "...what?" She was extremly stern, as if this was my fault. She held the phone in her crossed hands, pointing it to me while she talked. "They called," she began, "basically, you're still pregnant. Stupid bastards. They want you to go there immediatly for some stupid reasons. And it's too late to have a real abortion." She sneered. I recalled last night. The drugs, the glass, bleeding, alcohol, vomit, James, Josh... Me and my baby are going to die.

SO GUILTY, I'M SO EMPTY. I woke up in someone's bed at this... party. James was sleeping next to me so I knew I was safe. He awoke. "Hey, beautiful." I smiled. "Hi, James. What happened?" But I know nothing happened. He streched while saying "You drank like a madman after all that coke and you passed out on someone. Heh. Don't worry, you're safe. And here..." He handed me a pill for my massive hangover and some water. "Thanks, James." "Welcome, babes." He crawled back into bed with me. "Josh came over a while after I put you to bed. He got really upset seeing you like this, and knowing that I was there and he wasn't." Suddenly I felt like throwing up. And I did. Over and over and over, before I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

YOU KNOW ALL THE LIES THEY TOLD YOU, AND ALL THE LOVE YOU NEVER KNEW. "Here ya go, buddy... Best shit in town." "Thanks, I answered." He might as well said "Here, have some more fuck up." Aaron passed me a large tabletop with some white powder spread across it. Coke. I see nothing has changed. But whatever. I needed something, I deserved it. "Wait a sec..." Someone said, while sprinking bits of glass into the coke. Being a regular ex-coke user, I asked, stupidly. "And what will that do?" The female which provided the glass did not seem surprised. "It cuts up the inside of your nose when you inhale so the coke gets inside your blood, therefore giving you a better high, darling." "Oh."

PROMISED YOU THAT I'D BE TRUE. "hello? One second. LORRAINE, PICK UP YOUR PHONE." The phone rang for me, whatever happened to all my friends? "Hello?" Who would be calling me? "Lulu, it's Jamie. What's up, man? I miss you. Are you busy today?" "Jamie I miss you too! No, I'm not busy today, are you?" "Awesome," she paused "wanna hang out?" "Hahah yeah sure." I said while running my fingers over the scars from the side of my face. The scars that haven't healed from the accident. And so we carried onto regular conversation. "Man, you missed a lot, Kaytie has a really hot boyfriend now, Josh misses you a lot, he's been really down lately. Mann!!! We gotta get some hookah and shmoke some wwwwwwwwweed like the good times." She laughed. I laughed weakly. "Uh... yeah." I hadn't looked into a mirror as much as I used to, not since I passed out from my reflection in the hospital. I began taking out makeup and paused, standing, realizing I completly forgot how to put makeup on. It's been so long. "Jesus..." I whispered while looking over eyeliner. By the time Jamie got to my house, she let herself in and walked upstairs, suddenly stopping abruptly. "HAHAHA! Lulu, you poor thing!" I stood, skeptical with random blotches of color on my face, eyeliner not lining my eyes, eyeshadow in my cheeks, looking like a tiny girl. But that's not what I was thinking about. It was Jamie. I forgot her too. I barely remembered her face. She stood with a tight turquoise top, her boobs shaped pretty perfectly, thanks for daddy's payment to plastic surgery, and black pants. Beautiful Jamie. How could I forget. "Lemmie do your makeup, hun." "Yeah I need your help, obviously. Hahah." Suddenly things didn't seem so bad anymore. As she covered my scars with concealer, she spoke about how hot Kaytie's boyfriend was and how she secretly made out with him at Matt's house, she spoke about Todd and how he made a move on Regina in front of her girlfriend, how guys just don't that some girls are lesbian, etc. She took a long drag staring at my makeup when she was done, kinda leaning on one foot. Smoke blew from her perfect lips. "Beautiful." She said, "Go look." Mirrors are mean. I hated them. But I looked anyway. I never looked so beautiful, it never meant so much to me. "Aw man..." I whispered. Flawless. She smiled, puffing out smoke circles. I coughed. "You gained weight, kiddo!" I looked down at my stomache. "Uh, yeah... Ya know, I couldn't go out for a run lately." Trying to think of a fairly good and honest excuse. She rubbed my waist and giggled, "Nooo it's cute!" "Haha.." I forced a laugh.

I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T LOVE YOU IN ALL THIS CHAOS. If I didn't have the photographs, I would think I imagined it all. I came across a black and white photo of my dog and I at the beach. It was at the beach house we didn't have anymore. Another was at a party at my house and a picture of Jena and her boyfriend making out before I had a fight with her and never spoke to her again. The other was of a family get-together with John and his wife before she died of cancer. Another was of my mother when her hair was still short. The ones of Mary before she died. Ex boyfriends. Before losing my virginity. After losing my virginity. Going through my punk stage. Friends I've had fights with, friends I've lost contact with. The house we sold because we couldn't afford it anymore. My uncle before he got married and forgot about everyone else. My cousins I've never met. My life before my life.

CAUSE ALL I MISSED, WASN'T THAT GOOD TO BEGIN WITH. In abortion clinics I learned they do not allow you to leave out of the front door, but the nurses force you to leave from the backdoor. They did this because they didn't want anyone to see how terrible you look after a baby had been sucked out of your vagina. While being led out of the backdoor, the doctor who preformed the previous event grabbed my shoulder, reasurringly. "Don't worry about it, it'll get better." He said flatly. I smiled fakely. "Obviously, doctor, you've never had an abortion before."

LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE IT COMING. "Pan is nap backwards." I was on the floor staring at Mary. Many many years before she died. Blonde locks of her thin hair moved in the direction of the wind as she looked down at me. She took my hand and lifted me from the ground. We were in the flower patch in my grandfather's backyard. Months before he had a heart attack. It must have been a flashback but I don't remember it ever happening. "...nervousness, probably concerning the current situation..." Nurse "Bethany" stopped abruptly and turned her face to me, relieved to see me come to conciousness. My mother looked extremly agitated with her impatientness growing. Suddenly the doctor came in, or the "abortionist" or "murderer" or whatever they were. I began crying. "No, no. No. No." I cracked. The nurse without a name tag stared at me with a strange understanding, then suddenly "M'am?" My mother looked to the anonymous nurse. She paused and said "I think it'd be best if you left the room and left this to us." She sighed. "Very well." And walked out, dejectedly. The doctor with the foreign tools in his hand stared at me, but not exactly looking. He smiled. I would've smiled back out of habit if I didn't feel like throwing up. Suddenly, he began, while tears continued erupting from my eyes, 100 per second. I cried so hard I felt nothing, but when it was over, i threw up all over myself.

IF I FALL. I could feel the cold tile floor through my shoes. The white walls echoed sadness through my ears. And emptiness. That's what I was going to be, soon. Empty. My eyes and head grew dizzy as we walked to the nurse. I couldn't read her name tag from where I was, but it felt as if she was moving farther away, although she was constant in her chair at the front desk. Suddenly, my legs twisted, my head turning in another direction, with the feeling of my mother's nails driving into my skin, attempting to hold me up, but I couldn't, and I collided headfirst with the iced tiles underneath me.

I LOVE YOU. I don't know how she did it, but she got me into the car. We drove down and down. The longest ride of my life. It was silent, of course. But if I could, I would run until my legs died out all over again. But I couldn't. She would only find me again. The radio wasn't on, but I didn't need it. My mind played the words of a song I knew. One I heard a very long time ago. "I like the peace In the backseat I don't have to drive I don't have to speak I can watch the countryside And i can fall asleep My family tree's Losing all it's leaves Crashing towards the driver's seat The lightning bolt had enough heat To melt the street beneath your feet Alice died In the night I've been learning to drive My whole life My whole life I've been learning" But then I realized we were there. AARDEKIA ABORTION CLINIC. The words spat in my face. My mother got out of the car, pretending to understand. I sat in the car and she went inside, her heels clicking loudly with excitement. She wanted this so bad; wanted my lesson to be learned. I watched the leaves depart the trees and realized which one let go. A perfectly good green leaf that couldn't hold on forever. "Losing all it's leaves. crashing towards the driver's seat" But it didn't make any sense. I don't know what I'm thinking. Maybe this temporary pregnancy is making me crazy. But I didn't have time to figure it out. "Come on. They're ready for you, Lorraine." My eye blinked a thousand tears.

WATCHING THE ONES YOU LOVE SLIP AWAY FROM YOU. As time went on, nobody seemed to notice I was in a wheelchair. I guess they didn't care. Apparently, nobody realized I was pregnant, but they simply assumed I had gained weight from my injury and lack of movement in the wheelchair. Over the week I realized my sudden urge to use the restroom. Sometimes, twice or three times in one class. It was even more difficult to get there in a chair. One day I reached the rest room. Surprisingly, there was no girls there smoking or looking in the mirror, trying to pass the time by during class. I was alone. Just the way I liked it. I stood and walked casually to the stall, not realizing what I had done. Flushing the toliet, I stood staring at the water. "Oh my god." Immediatly I jumped and felt my feet touch the ground. I paced out of the stall and spun around until I couldnt see. It was a feeling stronger than drugs or any type of high I've experienced. But it was a feeling of my own, an indescribable dizziness erupting from my mind. I was so happy that I suddenly threw up. But I couldn't stop laughing... and laughing... and laughing.

ITS HARD TO SAY I WAS WRONG. ITS HARD TO SAY I MISS YOU. "Come on. Get up." He whispered. We were in the middle of the school. It was about 6:30. For some reason, he needed to see me earlier than usual. Then suddenly, Josh's muscular arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me up to the ground. "You have to try walking." "I can't... I can't do it." He watched me sit back down again, his patience suddenly turning into frustration. "Lorraine...HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DONT EVER FUCKING TRY?!" He began screaming at me as I sat, the little helpless one in a wheelchair. I wonder what everyone would think of me. "Excuse me..." spoke an older man. A teacher. We both turned to him, annoyed by his rude interruption. "Is this man bothering you?" I looked at Josh and exhaled. "No. He's not." There is a girl in my drama class. Her name was Jennifere Cooby. A name which would never be remembered. A name which would never make the lights. A dreamless actress. She spent every free second reading as the rest of us went into our little groups without her. She never seemed to care. I wondered if she had any friends. Each time I saw her, it was with a different book, each a novel. A novel which she lived in, because dreams were always better than reality.

I THINK MY LIFE JUST LOST ALL MEANING. The wheels under me slowly creaked as they lifted the wheelchair to the house. It was a slight case of devastation when I realized nothing at home had changed. I thought maybe other things could have potential to change. Apparently not. My mother has been giving me dirty looks every time my stomache reminds her of what was growing inside. As the weeks past, an abortion would be held off. My mother suddenly began to worry if it would ever happen at all. I would go back to school on Monday. When I reached my last thursday at home, I gained the ability to stand. The ground felt shaky under my cold feet. I lifted the bottom of my shirt to my shoulders and stared. A highly distinct lump enlarged my skin above my thighs. Some girls would've been disgusted with the recent weight gain that naturally occurs with pregnancy, but not me. I suddenly locked the door and stripped off all my clothes and smiled a smile that couldn't fit on my face. My heart was smiling, itself.

made another story. its called askthelovers. its about a molester. and if you kids are a little behind, i have another story which i just finished, which is called janeisdead. and you still suck for never leaving comments. you know, i should make this 'friends only' because those who dont comment dont deserve to read anything. you suck. and those who do comment, thank you. without you, there is no story. you rock. and sorry for being bitchy.