too lazy to pick a mood. but check it out, i fixed the look of my page. this is actually funny because i have two sitdiary accounts (i think ima make a third) and the first one used to look like this, black and white but mostly white....while this was was the exact opposite. black and white but mostly black. now theyre basically switched. whatev. i think i like it looking white better. i dont know. it's more tranquil i guess.

tonight be the end. the last day. tomorrow is hell. and so i die. hahaha i'm seriously gonna smack anyone who gives me shit about my boots tomorrow....i mean really, i've worn worse, Sam has worn worse, hell she herself is worse. haha sorry sam...but you know it be true. but yeah anyone who gives me shit tomorrow will have a darling imprint of an ankh, a shroom, and a rose on their face (my rings). shit so i finally finished the majority of my art project, all i have left now is just this stupid scratchboard thing which is cool because it requires no profound artwork. i can just doodle and have fun with it YES. my minions shall come about upon this...scratchboard....lol. shit i don't wanna see him tomorrow. i dunno why but i just keep getting this horrible feeling in me that it's gonna be as if nothing happened. HA then he's an asshole and sam and i can partake(?) in his slaughter. omfg i love that phrase now.

haha sorry im obsessed with this song. neeed to get dire straits cd..... yeah we shit it's friday and we have 3 days until the hell begins. like at first i was kinda lookin forward to it, but i just found out none of my other friends are leaving at lunch and i am, and i have a different brunch from everyone, AND im the only one with a first period. dammit.....well i guess it gives me the chance for independence no? dammit this year was gonna be so great and it keeps looking bleaker....

um yeah shit school starts exactly a weak from today....oh goodie...i'm just so excited can't you tell? yeah well i guess other than the teachers, the classes, the homework, the tests, and the bitch classmates i'm going to have to deal with....at least i'll get to see my friends everyday which is pretty bitchin. haha bitchin. and i get out at lunch now so i don't have to worry about staying until that 3 o' clock bullshit....pfft. now i can leave at 12.30 if i so choose. lata

yeah so i guess it's been quite a while since i wrote in this...well i have another one hellbent4pleasure that i usually write in coz im used to it i guess so this just comes second....lol how sad. poor little sitdiary account....yeah well im bored so if anyone cares you can talk to me

ok, so i said i give up....if only i believed myself. of course i dont give up, at least not cold turkey like that. damn, this hurts too much. sheeeet. im gonna go die now or something.....

clearly it aint gonna happen, i mean i thought there was potential, but i was wrong. again. like i figured, maybe he just needs some time and eventually he'll come around. highly doubtful, and even if he did, it's not gonna be with me. so, basically.... i give up.

hahahaha i swear i could listen to this song all day. its so damn catchy.....ok so i was like hardcore myspacin today, and i think that my profile is FINALLY finished. dear god that was exhausting. just thinking about all the pain in the ass shit i had to go thru is exhausting....blaaaah. hahahaha yeah so now that that is complete....what do i do now? o god im so bored. and i really dont wanna finish outlining the chapters for history and making flashcards and making a timeline and filling out the map, ETC. but i know i have to. damn, i better go do that, but if i dont ace the test next week im gonna break down and cry, nobody EVER does this much work for a stupid fucking test......siiiiic.

o dear god will it never end??? i just played uno for an hour. one goddamn game that lasted an hour. we had to shuffle the deck 4 times....btw i didnt even know we had uno, apparently we do. but yeah, we're bored, and im like hey sure why not ill join the game....we thought it would last maybe 10 minutes tops.....NAW. it lasted a frickin hour....and dear god have you EVER seen a single game of uno last that long??? i mean we got to uno like ten times, but then the next person had a draw two or reverse or something....siiiiic. im so tainted.....

well, the question mark was not only for my spelling, but for the term itself. we are "friends" again, but for how long before yet another awkward moment squeezes in or before i do one final thing to fuc it up? something is off about this, i dunno, maybe my pessimistic sketicism is kicking in once again, but hey whats wrong with that right... i dunno, i mean i guess everything is kosher and all, but....i dunno. i think nono i KNOW this shit will stay up in the air. im never even gonna be able to hang out with him outside of school again, not without him wondering if i have some sort of alterior motive behind it--as if i would think it would still work after what has happened. pfft. we shall see, but i get thee feeling that nothing is ever gonna be the same b/w us. which really bites coz he's still fun to hang out with outside of school--infact he's somewhat of a dick inside school, so to not see him where he is somewhat HUMAN is pure torture. lol jk. i dunno, its just....off. something is off about all this and i dont exactly want to be a witness to everything crumbling down--however clearly i will be the main witness since this is my life and all. yeah......whateva.

so now im being completely ignored. ouch. yeah, i didnt think it would hurt this much....but it does. he like wont even sign on his normal screen name and its one that i dont know, i just know that he's online coz of his myspace being online....blah blah blah. wow. this really hurts...i think im gonna go die now...god i thought he could at least be a little bit mature enough not to completely ignore me, a little avoidant sure, but this is like a week w/o speaking to me. but the weird part is that i tried to talk to him the day after the "incident" and everything seemed normal, i was even content. everything seemed to be right again, like we could move on from this and get over it. hmm...clearly i was wrong. so now he wont speak to me? ouch. like my heart is going *squish*

o wow. let's recap the concert. we got there, and he is a very very very good bass player, and as if that wasnt hot enough....he did his hair, was wearing all black, then he like lit up when he saw that i had come to see him play, then he hugged me, then he lifted up his shirt--coz he was really hot and sweaty and he was airin it out but...woooooooooooooow. i mean....wow. like dude.....wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. thats all i can say. wow.

hmm has been quite a while since i last wrote. well to recap, i leaned in to kiss him and i missed and hit his cheek (he had turned his head to walk away, unaware that i was going to do that) and yeah complete humiliation. so tonight im going to a show, so ill come back tomorrow or late tonight and write about all the details. :) hahahaha yeah whatever.

.......................die.......................

AAAAARGGHHH!!!! i give up. there is no use in wasting my time i SERIOUSLY hate my life life and im thru. im thru wasting my time expecting him to magically get over his past fucking issues to eventually come to me but fuck it all. he will NEVER get over this shit, he wont let himself, or at least not in time for me to be there and dear god i want to cry and jump off a bridge. hense the name.....goodbye.

ok, im too lazy to write a new entry, so i just copied the one from my other diary and put it here. btw, supressing emotions sucks, but at the moment its my only option. but yeah it sucks coz i just know that one minute im gonna burst into tears or screaming or something and everyone will see me for the vulnerable bitter freak i truly am. so yeah i think im slowly becoming a bitter soul. pfft, i was already a bitter soul, but more so. my cynicism from the past is nothing compared to what bitter bitch moments behold my future. can't wait. hmm...i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but somehow it always got hurt. sad to say, i dont do that anymore, to the point where im seriously just locking my heart up and wont let anyone in. the last time i let my guard down, i was left heartbroken. still am. i dont want to deal with the bullshit anymore, clearly he will never get over these "issues" and i have this horrible agonizing feeling that if/when he does, it wont be in time for me to be part of it. i can see myself five years from now, after FINALLY getting over this heartache, and looking at him, blissful with the first girl to steal his heart away from his land of issues. and i see myself dying. god, i can completely imagine him not getting over it until its too late for me. this is so unbelievable. i hate these feelings, i especially hate when im right. i have the worst, and strongest, feeling ive ever had. that i havent a chance. and by not having a chance at this i may as well not have a chance at anything, im so....dead. i feel like my heart weighs ten pounds inside my chest. hurts to breathe, i mean ive got ten pounds of weight on me, you try breathing with that. sigh. apathy is not fun. im so hurt that i dont feel anything anymore, i mean im a crybaby, and usually pain like this would make me cry....and yet. nothing. apathy sucks.

life is so unfair. truly. as soon as something seems to be going well, like i will actually have a good moment with this guy....and then WHAM shot down. i swear to god CAN I NEVER HAVE A HAPPY MOMENT??? jesus fucking christ. i even remember thinking to myself, wow, my life is actually turning around, omg....things might just get better.......nope. jinxed it. fuck this sucks. i hate hate hate the world and my life and nothing ever goes right. for ever minor good thing that happens to me, 3 bad things follow. i dont even wanna get into the details of it, im just pissed off and need to blow off some steam. mwahaha, i know just who to take out my anger upon........

ok so yeah, i am a drama queen. i never realized it so much till karlyna pointed it out to me and was like 'why you being such a fuckin drama queen...' and yeah she's right. i take everything pretty seriously, like if something is a bummer, it makes me uber depressed. so whoops, found yet another flaw of mine. its just funny that i never realized how much i overreact to things. like he doesnt talk to me and hasnt signed on or anything and suddenly omg im gonna die. im so fucking lame lol. well, i guess its just that my priorities are my priorities and when theyre fucked with, it makes me angry and depressed coz its all that i think aboot, and if the main thing i think aboot is suddenly ruined or whatever its depressing. ok yeah that made sense in my head....shut up.

sigh, no matter how many good things happen, i always get bummed. usually coz not very many good things happen and following them are many bad things. yay. well like valentines day actualy wasnt nearly as bad as i had anticpated. infact it was pretty good! and yet here i am....wallowing in self pity thinking about all that has gone wrong. and all that can go wrong. all that will never be, etc. o dear god i wish i knew whether or not there was still a chance for me and him or not. hmm....severely doubting it. but i wish i knew. i just dont wanna waste my time, it hurts too much. o god it hurts. hurts to be alone, hurts to see him alone, hurts to think that the one chance i had at potential happiness is slipping away. o god everything just....hurts. im gonna cry or something, and i have a headache, ow. kill me please.

blah blah blah life sux....blah........