ok, im too lazy to write a new entry, so i just copied the one from my other diary and put it here. btw, supressing emotions sucks, but at the moment its my only option. but yeah it sucks coz i just know that one minute im gonna burst into tears or screaming or something and everyone will see me for the vulnerable bitter freak i truly am. so yeah i think im slowly becoming a bitter soul. pfft, i was already a bitter soul, but more so. my cynicism from the past is nothing compared to what bitter bitch moments behold my future. can't wait. hmm...i used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but somehow it always got hurt. sad to say, i dont do that anymore, to the point where im seriously just locking my heart up and wont let anyone in. the last time i let my guard down, i was left heartbroken. still am. i dont want to deal with the bullshit anymore, clearly he will never get over these "issues" and i have this horrible agonizing feeling that if/when he does, it wont be in time for me to be part of it. i can see myself five years from now, after FINALLY getting over this heartache, and looking at him, blissful with the first girl to steal his heart away from his land of issues. and i see myself dying. god, i can completely imagine him not getting over it until its too late for me. this is so unbelievable. i hate these feelings, i especially hate when im right. i have the worst, and strongest, feeling ive ever had. that i havent a chance. and by not having a chance at this i may as well not have a chance at anything, im so....dead. i feel like my heart weighs ten pounds inside my chest. hurts to breathe, i mean ive got ten pounds of weight on me, you try breathing with that. sigh. apathy is not fun. im so hurt that i dont feel anything anymore, i mean im a crybaby, and usually pain like this would make me cry....and yet. nothing. apathy sucks.