i know you care about me i know you love me and i know you think im fucking up my life but i dont know what to do right now andrew fucking killed himself, he overdosed on fucking pills and right now i dont know what to do. the pain is unbearable, being blamed for his suicide is possibly the worse feeling ever. i just remember his parents calling and yelling at me saying that i drove him to this, i dont know how i did, but they blamed it on me. i went to his wake and his mom wouldnt even look at me, my heart droped, i cried, he looked so peaceful in his jeans and his favorite band shirt. i slipped a dollar into his casket cause he always wanted a buck to get something off the dollar menue at mc donalds. i looked at his pale face that is usually tan and just cried, why the fuck would he do this to himself? he was my friend, my first kiss, i used to paint his fingernails, we went to concerts together, we partied together, my brother actually liked him...why the hell would he do this? i thought he told me everything, but he didnt, he didnt tell us anything. i dont want to go to murray anymore because i dont want to leave the memories, they may be bad memories, but i dont want to let go of what he taught me. im devistated. when i heard he killed himself i droped to the ground crying, ryan came right over and just held me...i cried, i hate crying, but it feels like someone just ripped out my heart. its hard to deal w/ this, really hard this summer has been the worse yet the best ever, i lost great friends i had, i gained new ones, but anthony and alex wont be replacable, and i know its my fault, but when someone doesnt approve of my choices i dont see how it can work, i hate being pestered all the time i know my choices are wrong, but you dont know how hard i hav been trying to quit. i am now 3 days clean even including cigs...its hard i cry every night. i shake and get irritated and pick at my skin, becca is in cali, and i cant get ahold of her, my sister is gonig through a break up and i cant get a hold of her and my brother is always working. i dont know who to go to who will accept me as me. i am always putting up a front to make me seem like the nice girl that i am not...i am a sick twisted girl that people hate, but i cant help it, i have formed into this person by mistake and i just cant seem to part from it i just want you to know, i didnt take you off my friends list, i just took you off my girlfriends list i just want you to know that i know you care, and i appreciate that, but i have to do this on my own i just want to apologize for yelling at you. im sorry i fucked up and i am fucked up