Well here's an update since I haven't been on in months... Me and Mike wound up breaking up for like 5 days and I was devastated. But with help from his dad, we're back together... and we're doing alot better now. We haven't gotten into any fights or anything. We exchanged promise rings. 12 more days until it's 6 months for us. But sad to say... I'm not gonna be updating anymore, cus there's no reason for me to write all this down, just to remind myself of my shitty past. I'm happy with Mike, and it's going to last forever. Bye everyone.

Nothing all that interesting happened in school today. These two girls were gonna fight in 1st period but that didn't happen. And someone left a CD in one of the computers so when someone turned it on, it started playing that song "Satisfaction" by Bennie Benassi lol. In health we had to do wedding planning. I had DJ, Caitlin and this girl Christine in my group. DJ was being a cheap bastard and wanted the wedding to cost $10 grand or less. It turned out to be almost $22 grand haha. He bugged out when we told him the engagement ring costs $3 grand lmfao. He was bugging out like all this shit was really happening... what an idiot lol. Mike stayed home from school today cus he's sick... aww poor baby lol. I got off the phone with him a little while ago, I woke up him up... oops lol. He's gonna call me back though. And so yeah that's pretty much it. I love you sooooooooooo much Mike!!! I hope you feel better babe, I miss you! 9-10-05 it's you and me always and forever!

Okay so I went to the mall yesterday all day with Zinab. We shopped. Got a teddy bear as another present for Mike. I also saw something else that I wanna get him before Christmas comes. Anyways he tried texting me while I was at the mall and I couldn't receive it cus I have no minutes on my phone so I called him from Zinab's cell. And he was breathing heavily and shaking and stuttering... then he finally told me that there's madd rumors going around that I'm cheating on him with some kid Brandon and that I also smoked weed with him and there's another kid involved named Angelo. I know 2 kids in my school with those names. So I'm starting to think it's them. And I think I know who started the rumors... probably Corey. Only person that I can think of that would possibly want revenge on me for fuckin up his reputation. But when I fucked up his reputation it was based on facts not fuckin stupid rumors. But of course since it's not true Mike didn't believe it, which is good. He went to a party and alot of shit went down there. Today before we went to his house we stopped over in the Cost Cutters parking lot. And Matt was skateboarding and biking with this kid Ron and some other kids. The look on our faces was priceless we couldn't believe it was him lol. And I thought he saw me so I was like "oh shit I think he saw me" and then Mike yanks me down to his lap hiding me, and then randomly kissed me lol. Matt's been trying to get permission from Mike to talk to me again. Mike asked me if I wanted to talk to Matt... and I told him it depends on if I can trust Matt or not and what his intentions are. Anyways... when we got to Mike's... I gave him his gift but his dad ran upstairs and took it from him and went outside to lock it in the shed. All you see is Mike chasing after him wining like a little baby trying to get it back saying it's not fair lol. His dad said he's not gonna see it until Christmas. We went upstairs and did our thing lol. Kept getting interupted everytime lol. His parents were leaving so we had to go downstairs and watch the kids. Watched T.V. Ate dinner. Then we went back upstairs and did our thing lol. Him and his mom were gonna go to the mall after they dropped me off at home... his car was smoking big time when we reached to my house... so I don't know what's wrong with his car lol. I love you soooooooooooo much Mike!!!

Ughh that girl commented him again... I hate her so much. But ya know what whatever. He wants to talk to her then fine, I don't care anymore. But if I ever find out she comes to Jersey and she lays one finger on him then I'm gonna rip every fuckin hair out of her head. But anyways... school was quite interesting today. We had a huge debate going in Health today. Separated the class with boys on one side of the room and girls on the other. We all had to come up with a list of 10 things what we hate about guys and 10 things why we like about guys and come up with 5 or more questions that we always wanted answered from them. And vise versa with the guys. Some of the questions was just unbelievable. The guys asked us if we liked giving head. And why we don't give them sexual surprises etc. And then out of no where Scott farted so loud lmfao and we were like "yeah we don't like guys that fart" lol. But we didn't get to finish the debate so we're continueing it on Monday. So everyone is gonna be more prepared with alot more questions and shit lol. Nothing else all that interesting happened in school. I'm supposed to be going to the mall with Zinab tomorrow. Mike is hanging out with Brian right now I think. And he's going to this kid Tom's birthday part tomorrow so I won't be able to see until Sunday. My oldest sister is planning to come over with my nephew and celebrate his birthday but hopefully I won't be here cus I'm tired of their shit and them using us. Mike did really good with swimming last night. Got voted most valuable swimmer and he beat Brick Memorial's best varsity. Woot woot! I'm really proud of him. I miss him soooooo much! I can't wait to see him on Sunday. I love you soooooooooooo much Mike! You're my everything babe.

It just keeps getting worse. Last night I found out that Mike's mom has hated me since we first started fighting. No matter what I do it's never right. I've been praying to God every night since this happened, praying to help me out a little and help me make everything better. But he doesn't seem to want to answer my prayers cus it just gets worse. I don't understand how God can forgive criminals and murderers and such, yet human beings hold grudges and can't forgive each other. Honestly how is that going to solve anything. That just causes more hatred in this world. We need peace. You can't have peace unless if there is some kind of compromise involved. Keeping me and Mike separated is not solving anything. That just shows that you don't have a heart that can forgive and forget. It's wrong to keep two people that are in love, away from each other. Sometimes people need to put themselves in other peoples shoes... yes I know... I need to do that myself more often. I just wish I knew what else I could do to make everything go back to normal again. If I knew things were gonna get this bad then I wouldn't have done all the things that I have. And now I'm suffering the consequences. But there's only so much I can take. It's killing me. I don't want to lose Mike. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I love Mike with all my heart. Anyways... Alicia pissed me off again today. Brittany was telling me yesterday that what I did to Mike was fucked up and not fair to him this and that. But today she was like "did you know Matt has a girlfriend and said I love you to her?" I was like "I could care less, he has a new girlfriend every week and tells every one of them that he loves them." Like honestly I don't care... it's his life. I'm not jealous. I have no reason to be. Matt is no longer in my life anymore. I have Mike, I love him and I'm happy with him. Point fuckin blank. I handed in the application to the pet shop today. Hopefully they'll hire me. I think I'm gonna get honor roll this marking period... who knows. Ugh, my dad was like punching me in the arm and I bugged out cus I just wanted to be left alone. Now I don't even want to celebrate Christmas. It's gonna be so depressing. And another thing that sucks is that I always wanted to kiss the one I love when the ball drops on New Years... but I know that's not gonna happen since I'm not allowed to see Mike :o( Only God knows how long all of this drama is gonna last................ Oh wow... Mike just IM'd me... E CoastRider 89: me and my dad have been talking MotuzBabiGurl910: and E CoastRider 89: hes not guna keep me from something i really love but yet if we fight one more time and i agreed its just guna be over cause i cant take it no more and it just wont work MotuzBabiGurl910: i can live with that E CoastRider 89: my grades are going down im not doin good in swimming and im just all down and not sleeping E CoastRider 89: i wanna know exactly what your guna do to make this work MotuzBabiGurl910: yeah i haven't slept in days and the most i had was a bite of ziti and a bag of chips MotuzBabiGurl910: i'm not gonna argue with you anymore... if i get mad i'm gonna keep my cool, i won't talk about ex's anymore or anything E CoastRider 89: what else MotuzBabiGurl910: i'm gonna continue to stick by your side and support you in everything you do and i'm gonna continue to try to get my life together MotuzBabiGurl910: i'm done with hurting you, cus it just hurts me in the long run too E CoastRider 89: yeah cause .. you know MotuzBabiGurl910: yeah MotuzBabiGurl910: did your mom say anything? E CoastRider 89: my dads guna talk to her E CoastRider 89: we'll talk more when i get home ill ttyl babe MotuzBabiGurl910: ok babe, goodluck, i love you E CoastRider 89: love you too thanks E CoastRider 89 signed off at 4:51:53 PM. That made me feel sooo much better. So much relief now. But it's gonna feel weird being around his parents after this. I don't know. I just talked to my dad and my dad said as long as I stop talking about the guys then nothing should go wrong. My mom wasn't happy with the agreement between Mike and his dad but it's gonna have to do for now. I love you soooooooo fuckin much Mike! 9-10-05 it's you and me always and forever!

Things actually turned out worse than I thought. Mike's parents won't let me see him period. Or at least until I get my life together. I'm so fuckin tired, I haven't slept in the past 3 nights. I stayed home from school yesterday cus I was so depressed, I was up all night crying. My mom is depressed because I am, so she doesn't even want to put up a Christmas tree this year. But we're going to have one up even if I have to do it myself. My brother and my dad are pissed off about how Mike's dad handled the situation. My dad wanted to call up Mike's dad and talk to him but I wouldn't let him cus he would just make things alot worse. Yesterday me and Alicia went to the Country Shop and they weren't hiring, neither was Kindercare or Rite Aid. We went to Dunkin Donuts and got applications but we couldn't even fuckin understand the Indians so fuck that. I applied at Blockbuster, that took like a fuckin hour. Then I went to the pet shop by Cost Cutters and they didn't have anymore applications, but I picked one up today. I also went to Guidance Office and picked up an ACT registration packet. I'm gonna take those instead of the SAT's cus it's cheaper and easier and it can also get me into OCC, so it's all good lol. My dad made some agreements with me for my next report card, and said he "might" get me a car as a graduation present but it's gonna be of his choice and it's not gonna be a new car... boo that! Alicia pissed me the fuck off today, she's lucky I didn't punch her in the face. I love you soooo fuckin much Mike! Don't worry babe, I'll make everything alright again... I'm not giving up on us. 9-10-05 it's you and me always and forever!

Last night was possibly one of the worst nights of my life. Me and Mike got in the biggest fight. I got mad about his "friend" that's a girl, leaving him comments saying that she wants to bang him and have his kids. He thought it was wrong for me to flip out about it cus she lives in Florida... yet they've met once before cus she came up to see him. So yeah you never know if that were to happen again that's why I was all protective over him. Anyways, when I mentioned that Brian was coming home soon and I'm gonna chill with him when he does... Mike gets all fuckin pissed off about it. Like what the fuck!?! How is he going to get mad about me chilling with someone I've never hooked up with and someone that has alot of respect for me and Mike. That is what I would like to call a hypocrite. And Mike decided to mimick me to piss me off more. So I got really mad and posted a bulletin on myspace telling guys to leave dirty comments to me on my pics. Mike got really pissed off about that and his parents hate me now because of it. That tore me apart even more... cus I love his parents and his brother and sisters, and now his parents hate me. No matter what I do or say, I can't do anything right, or make anyone happy. I'm nothing but a fuck up, I don't know why he's even still with me. Mike deserves so much better. I'm a shitty ass girlfriend. But he refuses to give up on me and wants to help me get my life together. Which I appreciate alot but I don't know. I just wish everything would be back to normal and I wish I could turn back time and take everything back and stop hurting Mike all the time. Then Corey IM'd me starting shit. Calling me a slut and a douche bag and that I'm dirty, etc. And he told me to go slit my wrists again. Fuckin asshole! I cried myself to sleep last night praying to God that I don't lose him and to give me the strength to make everything right again. I cried again this morning before I went to school and I tried so hard to hold back the tears during school. Sarah was supposed to take me to the mall today to talk about everything that's been going on and she fuckin ditched me, what the fuck else is new. So Alicia took me instead and we met up with her friend Brittany. We just walked around the mall and out of no where Steve yelled my name and I turn around and there he was with Kristina, Ian, and Anthony. So we're all chillen in Spencers making asses out of ourselves. Steve was being his goofy self haha. Yeah and he tried cheering me up too. Thanks Steve, if you're reading this lol. Best friends forever man! But anyways we broke apart and we decided to go up and down on the escalators and play on this stupid thing on the floor in the mall, don't ask lol. Brittany put a sticky tag thing on Alicia's back and she didn't notice until one of the security guards was like "size 10 short eh?" haha! So yeah, that was pretty much what's been going on lately. I love you Mike

Yesterday was mine and Mike's 3 month anniversary. And I would have to say it's the best yet. Well when I got there he went on the computer to talk to Brian then we watched TV for a little bit until his family left. Well almost all his family, his little brother was upstairs asleep lol. Anyways, we went upstairs and obviously you people should know what happens... sex lol. But it's not just sex to me... it's making love. And it meant alot to me last night, cus he said "I love you" while we were having sex. He hasn't done that before. It made it that much more special, because no guy that I've been with has done that. That's what makes me love Mike so much cus he's so different from any other guy. Afterwards we just laid there with each other cuddling, another thing that no other guy that I've been with has done. After we got dressed we sat there and just talked about our day and random stuff. We went back downstairs and watched TV until his family came home. His sister Michelle got Etnies shoes, almost like mine lol. And his sister Mary got converses. Mike was making fun of her for that. And I was like "why cus punks and gothics wear them" and he said something I can't remember exactly but he was dissing Goths and I just shoved him away and he just laid there. And he pretends to cry and he's like "you're throwing me away" lol so I just pulled him back over to me to make him happy and he tried to pull off that sad face again lol. We watched Anchorman for a little while. Then we watched House of Wax. I was in his arms the whole time, cus I was scared lol. It was really gorey ughh, and Mike is so fuckin twisted in the head. Every gorey part like chopping fingers off and stabbing people in the head with poles and shit... he was like "that's fuckin awesome oh yeah just a little more, I would've made it last longer to put them through more pain" and I just sat there and stared at him like "what the fuck" lol. I was like "I think they put the wrong person in the mental institution" and he was like "I would actually do that shit to someone, you should feel safe around me and protected cus I would never do any of that to you" and I was like "yeah I do feel safe in a scary kinda way but now I feel sick with all those details you had to throw in" lol. I was like a half hour late getting home but my mom was asleep and my dad was at work so it was all good lol. Hopefully I'll get to see him tonight too. I love you Mike!

So yeah once again we were talking about sex in Health today. When we were talking about cheating and multiple partners and stuff... DJ kept looking at me smiling, in a making fun of me kinda way. I kicked him in the leg like 4 times lol. Then at the end of class he was like "so Pam have you ever been on top and do all the work?" And I was like "I can't believe you just asked me that." Nothing all that interesting really happened in school today. Found out that Corey got suspended cus he failed a drug test ahahaha good! He started doing coke too... what a loser! PJ was calling me a slut the other night cus he couldn't come up with any better comebacks cus I was tearing him apart verbally lol. I didn't get to go to Mike's tonight cus he had T.E.A.M. and has a swim meet. But I'm definitely going to his house tomorrow cus tomorrow is our 3 month anniversary. Wow, still can't believe it's been 3 months already. That went by really fast. I love you sooo much Mike! 9-10-05 always and forever!

I got into another fight with Mike last night. Part of it was about Matt. But mostly it was about cus he didn't want the swim team to see me, when I went to his meet. Cus the swim team hates me cus I supposedly treat Mike like shit and alot of girls want him and can treat him better. So that really set me off last night, I was buggin so bad. They don't even know half the shit that goes on between me and Mike so they can eat shit and die for all I care. But according to Mike he talked to the team today and they don't hate me anymore so whatever. Sometimes I think he feels ashamed that I'm his girlfriend. Nothing all that interesting happened today. In food science... me, Sarah, Nicole, and Tara were so loud lol. Cus Tara's stupid ass got a spray tan so she looks all orange. So she tried using Sarah's bronzer to make it less noticeable. She was patting alot of it on she looked like an old woman powdering her face lmfao! Then at lunch there was a Japanese dude asking us if we wanted suishi... I seriously thought I was seeing things lol. In health we had to fill out this like 3 page survey about sex and masterbation etc... it was so funny. I love you so much Mike!

I seriously can't take any of the shit that's been going on lately. I'm tired of helping people with their relationships cus they just go and fuck it up again anyways. And I'm tired of coming home everyday to the bitching the complaining and the yelling. My dad is always drunk as fuck and screaming at me for stupid ass shit and calling me an ungrateful bitch. Then when my mom comes home they start fighting non-stop. Getting in each other's faces and cursing each other off. My mom is slamming doors left and right and locking my dad out of the room. So I told both of them to shut the fuck up and started blasting death metal. That didn't work, my dad was unlocking the doors so he can scream at my mom some more so I was like "just leave her the fuck alone apparently she doesn't wanna talk to you." My mom stopped cooking dinner so they're gonna starve themselves. It was pointless for me to even eat today cus that didn't stay in my stomach too long. I love you Mike!

Well the conversation that I'm gonna put up between me and Mike will pretty much explain why I'm depressed. I was crying through the whole thing, just didn't tell him. E CoastRider 89: why dont you change your colors MotuzBabiGurl910: huh E CoastRider 89: change your font colors and backround E CoastRider 89: its like too.... death E CoastRider 89: make it white and blue or sumtin girlie MotuzBabiGurl910: lol sorry if i'm not girlie enough for you E CoastRider 89: nope E CoastRider 89: change it MotuzBabiGurl910: haha MotuzBabiGurl910: wow MotuzBabiGurl910: i don't like any of the colors they have lol E CoastRider 89: red and black E CoastRider 89: please something else E CoastRider 89: like brighter MotuzBabiGurl910: is this better? E CoastRider 89: change the back MotuzBabiGurl910: grr MotuzBabiGurl910: better? E CoastRider 89: YES MotuzBabiGurl910: UGH MotuzBabiGurl910: i hate pink E CoastRider 89: you always ware it E CoastRider 89: why black im guna turn you normal MotuzBabiGurl910: that's cus you'll bitch if i wear any of my hot topic shit which is like 90% of my wardrobe E CoastRider 89: change your wardrobe MotuzBabiGurl910: lol E CoastRider 89: see problem solved MotuzBabiGurl910: sorry if i don't like looking preppy and girlie MotuzBabiGurl910: its not me E CoastRider 89: you should MotuzBabiGurl910: nah E CoastRider 89: by the time im done with you E CoastRider 89: your guna be a normal pink loving girl MotuzBabiGurl910: i rather kill myself E CoastRider 89: well its kinda wierd a prep jock guy with a gothic gf ya know E CoastRider 89: lol MotuzBabiGurl910: lol so MotuzBabiGurl910: wouldn't be the first MotuzBabiGurl910: i mean come on i used to go out with football players E CoastRider 89: well thats them E CoastRider 89: swimmers and lacrosse players are normal MotuzBabiGurl910: lol yeah sure E CoastRider 89: i will turn you back into normal MotuzBabiGurl910: back into normal? i was never "normal" to begin with E CoastRider 89: yes you were E CoastRider 89: at one time you were MotuzBabiGurl910: nah i was a tomboy when i was younger E CoastRider 89: id rather you be a tomboy than gothic MotuzBabiGurl910: lol oh please... the clothes i wear from hot topic aren't that bad, cus my mom forbids me to wear any hardcore E CoastRider 89: your slipknot sweatshirt are you serious MotuzBabiGurl910: it's a shirt MotuzBabiGurl910: not a sweatshirt MotuzBabiGurl910: big deal MotuzBabiGurl910: it's a band E CoastRider 89: horrible killer death run over band MotuzBabiGurl910: it's not like i'm wearing fishnet stockings and have piercings all over my body and wear cargo pants with chains and straps hanging from them E CoastRider 89: yeah and im guna change you MotuzBabiGurl910: lol this is what i call sad... no one has ever tried doing that E CoastRider 89: well i am E CoastRider 89: and why is it sad MotuzBabiGurl910: cus you should love me for who i am E CoastRider 89: i do MotuzBabiGurl910: then you wouldn't be doing this E CoastRider 89: well you always wanna kill someone or get someone jumped or hurt MotuzBabiGurl910: i can't help it if i'm a violent person E CoastRider 89: ill unviolent you MotuzBabiGurl910: MotuzBabiGurl910: if someone loves you they won't try to change you, am i right? omfg itsz lee x0: yes E CoastRider 89: you had to bring her into this E CoastRider 89: shes guna bitch at me now MotuzBabiGurl910: lol i was just getting a second opinion MotuzBabiGurl910: block her ass E CoastRider 89: i dont block people MotuzBabiGurl910: lol ok MotuzBabiGurl910: then ignore her MotuzBabiGurl910: she was the only one i could ask that i'm allowed to talk to E CoastRider 89: you have her thats it MotuzBabiGurl910: that's online at the moment, all the other people don't know me that well except for one but i'm not allowed to speak to him so i asked her E CoastRider 89: would you honestly wanna talk to him E CoastRider 89: or get his opinion MotuzBabiGurl910: it were to get my point across to you then maybe but i didn't, did i E CoastRider 89: i know exactly what hed say too MotuzBabiGurl910: what? E CoastRider 89: he dont apresiate you for you and dis me and make you wanna break up with me so you would and hes be there to say everything you wanna hear MotuzBabiGurl910: lol he likes the way i am, cus he's gothic/skater himself.... but i don't label myself... but i know exactly what he would say, so that just gives me another reason not to ask him E CoastRider 89: exactly what i said MotuzBabiGurl910: "he's too controlling, why would you want to be with someone like that"... bet you a million that's what he would say MotuzBabiGurl910: lol after all you're hitler according to him E CoastRider 89: do i care ? MotuzBabiGurl910: i know you don't E CoastRider 89: and notice who we are talking about and who brought him up E CoastRider 89: wow MotuzBabiGurl910: well i was just proving a point that not 1 guy i've been with has tried to change me E CoastRider 89: ok forget it then MotuzBabiGurl910: k E CoastRider 89: you couldnt use another guy to prove a point MotuzBabiGurl910: no cus all the others don't know me like he does E CoastRider 89: do i know you that good or no MotuzBabiGurl910: not from the looks of it E CoastRider 89: ohh owch E CoastRider 89: wow E CoastRider 89: ok then MotuzBabiGurl910: did you want me to lie E CoastRider 89: i cant belive you said that to me wow MotuzBabiGurl910: well what did you expect mike MotuzBabiGurl910: you make me feel like i'm not good enough for you E CoastRider 89: i didnt say that MotuzBabiGurl910: you didn't have to E CoastRider 89: i just wanted you to be like .. idk look nice and not like death and black MotuzBabiGurl910: i've hardly ever wear black in front of you anymore E CoastRider 89: but when your not you wear it E CoastRider 89: you said 90 percent of your clothes are gothic MotuzBabiGurl910: yeah so? if you're not there obviously i'm gonna wear it, i don't wear it in front of you so you don't bitch about it E CoastRider 89: caise i want you to wear something colorfull and look nice MotuzBabiGurl910: okay well that's what i've been doing lately so i don't know why this was even brought up E CoastRider 89: you look nice around me MotuzBabiGurl910: exactly... look nice around you... why would i want to look "nice" for school... i'm not trying to impress anyone E CoastRider 89: yeah i know but ... just look nice for your own self MotuzBabiGurl910: that's not me E CoastRider 89: what you mean not you E CoastRider 89: looking nice ? MotuzBabiGurl910: yeah E CoastRider 89: why dont you wanna look nice MotuzBabiGurl910: cus that's just not how i am, i have different tastes than everyone else E CoastRider 89: um yeah E CoastRider 89: like alicia dresses like preppy and idk really how sarah dresses but that night she did wear nice clothes MotuzBabiGurl910: that's cus that's what they like to wear MotuzBabiGurl910: alicia is girlie i'm not E CoastRider 89: well your a girl E CoastRider 89: so shouldnt you like dress like a girl MotuzBabiGurl910: i didn't when i was younger, 99% of my friends are guys, so where do you think i'm gonna pick it up from E CoastRider 89: dressing like a guy is better than dressing like your dead MotuzBabiGurl910: whatever E CoastRider 89: your purpously said that MotuzBabiGurl910: no i have nothing else to say and it's obviously not clicking in your head E CoastRider 89: but babe like i dont know why you wanna wear black and not wear colors and look nice MotuzBabiGurl910: idk how else to explain it, you'll just never understand me E CoastRider 89: well as you said only 1 guy does MotuzBabiGurl910: now you're purposely rubbing it in E CoastRider 89: you said it not me MotuzBabiGurl910: didn't have to be brought up a 2nd time E CoastRider 89: why did you say it in the first place MotuzBabiGurl910: i speak what's on my mind E CoastRider 89: well every time we talk you say that so hes always on your mind then MotuzBabiGurl910: when it comes to certain situations yeah, like how you're trying to change me E CoastRider 89: i just want you to look nicer E CoastRider 89: well you said you changed into likeing killer music MotuzBabiGurl910: that was before i met you MotuzBabiGurl910: i've listened to hard rock a little bit before him too but it just grew on me more when i did E CoastRider 89: well you wear a little preppy now so maybe it will just grow on you more E CoastRider 89: unless you just wear it so i dont say anything MotuzBabiGurl910: pretty much E CoastRider 89: are you seriouse MotuzBabiGurl910: wtf do you want me to do mike, i try to make you happy but whatever i do doesn't work E CoastRider 89: im just tryin to better you E CoastRider 89: like E CoastRider 89: make you look nicer and maybe you wont want to kill everyone MotuzBabiGurl910: changing the color of my font and the color of my clothes isn't gonna change me on the inside MotuzBabiGurl910: if you don't like who i am, then why are you with me E CoastRider 89: maybe cause i care for you try that one MotuzBabiGurl910: well you don't see me trying to change you MotuzBabiGurl910: i'm not into the whole prep thing MotuzBabiGurl910: but am i trying to change you, no E CoastRider 89: well i think i look nice around poeple and my friends and stuff so why dont you wanna be like color and people say you look nice and everything cause you do when you wear the stuff E CoastRider 89: you wear around me MotuzBabiGurl910: i wear it around you to make you happy, but if i can't be myself then who am i mike? just another fake person in good ol' TR E CoastRider 89: so you changed to go gothic from tom boy but you wont change back E CoastRider 89: its ok MotuzBabiGurl910: mike i was tomboyish when i was in elementary school... think of how long ago that was E CoastRider 89: you were always gothic MotuzBabiGurl910: in high school yeah E CoastRider 89: hm ok MotuzBabiGurl910: people change as they get older E CoastRider 89: i dont think im ever guna chnge to that MotuzBabiGurl910: i didn't say you were going to... but you did go from ghetto to prep, right? E CoastRider 89: cause i was bettering myself to look better E CoastRider 89: and it worked and was good MotuzBabiGurl910: but if it were up to what you wanted, would you be ghetto or prep right now? E CoastRider 89: prep cause i look nicer E CoastRider 89: and feel better MotuzBabiGurl910: okay well maybe that's how i feel when i'm gothic like E CoastRider 89: you think you look nice ? MotuzBabiGurl910: it's the style i like E CoastRider 89: do you think you look nice and could go anywhere and people would say you look good MotuzBabiGurl910: no, i don't think i look nice in anything i wear, i think i'm ugly but i don't care MotuzBabiGurl910: i don't care what others think E CoastRider 89: ok then if its what you want E CoastRider 89: ok then MotuzBabiGurl910: mmhmm E CoastRider 89: i just though youd wanna look nicr around poeple MotuzBabiGurl910: i don't need to E CoastRider 89: but whatever works for ya E CoastRider 89: i guees i dont know cause i just dont know who you are E CoastRider 89: maybe someday i will MotuzBabiGurl910: i guess E CoastRider 89: you always speak your mind MotuzBabiGurl910: yeah E CoastRider 89: but babe what i dont get is why you always talk about him MotuzBabiGurl910: cus i don't have any better examples E CoastRider 89: come on there has to be other guys MotuzBabiGurl910: nah, the others never took the time to get to know me E CoastRider 89: well idk if you notice but i do sit and talk to you trying to understand you MotuzBabiGurl910: i know MotuzBabiGurl910: but we're also alot different from each other so it's not as easy E CoastRider 89: well i gotta go get ready and everything MotuzBabiGurl910: alright E CoastRider 89: ill talk to you tonight when i come home MotuzBabiGurl910: k E CoastRider 89: talk to you tonight then MotuzBabiGurl910: have fun E CoastRider 89: ok fine ill say it talk to you later love you and thanks for wishing me luck MotuzBabiGurl910: love you too E CoastRider 89 is away at 5:47:47 PM.

Well yesterday me and Mike went out to dinner with Ron Narucki and his girlfriend and obviously Mike's dad... that was cool. We were making fun of all the chincs. Ron seems like a cool kid after all. He was in some of my classes the previous years. Went back to Mike's house... he wound up falling asleep so I had to wake him up to take me home. He refused to get up so I tried annoying the shit out of him and he kept telling me if I didn't stop he was gonna hurt me and that I'm being really annoying. So I continued cus I was already late. And then out of no where he grabs ahold of me and gets on top of me. And he tries to go back to sleep, so I bit him. Then he bugged out and held my head down and threw back his arm about to hit me. He stopped himself though. He got off me saying "you're lucky you're not a guy cus I would've snapped your neck." So I pulled away from him and I was putting on my shoes and he was like "what's wrong?" and I didn't say anything. Then I looked at him and he's like "babe what's wrong you're about to cry" and I was like "nothing" and he's like "tell me" and I started crying on his shoulders and I was like "I just got scared that's all"... I had flashbacks of when one of my ex's beat the shit out of me. So then he started apologizing saying he would never hit me. He took me home and we're at my door and he kept apologizing saying that he didn't mean to scare me and said that he loves me, etc. He apologized again online before he went to bed. And I'm talking to him right now... he doesn't remember not one fuckin thing that happened last night. He said he was still half asleep. I don't know sounds fishy to me, I don't think someone can be that aware of what's going on in their sleep like that, but whatever, it's over and done with. I'm about to go to his house soon cus he's sick so I'm gonna go take care of him. I'll update later. I love you so much Mike! 6 days until 3 months.

Nothing all that interesting happened in school today. Picked up one of those papers to become an organ donar. I went to the mall with Alicia and her boyfriend Andrew. Picked up a gift bag and Christmas card for Mike. Also hit up Friendly's lol. We were all over the place in the mall, then we went to Target lol. I went to Mike's swim meet against my school tonight. My friend Amanda and Keith were there. First time I saw Keith since 8th grade... he was straight back then lol... not anymore, but he's still awesome. Mike did a good job, he was a nervous wreck though lol. North kicked our ass so bad, our swim team sucks! Then we went to McDonald's and then went back to his house for an hour and half. Then he took me home and here I am lol. I can't wait to see my baby boy tomorrow. I miss him every second that goes by when I'm not with him. I love you soooo fuckin much Mike!

Hmm well there has been more drama that involved Matt but I'm not gonna get into that. Me and Mike got in a couple more fights but we're good now so far. Someone's been prank calling my house lately and it's pissing me off. Wow so much drama, I hate it. PJ, my ex... wow I don't even know where to begin. Well I found out that Monica (who also went out with him at one point) went to his house last night and slapped him in the face, and he bugged out and grabbed her by the throat and threw her up against the fence. His fatass 30 year old aunt comes running outside and starts punching Monica in the face repeatedly. Honestly how fucked up is that!?! No guy under any circumstance should ever lay his hands on a girl like that. And his stupid cunt of an aunt had no fuckin right to get involved, she's apparently very immature for her age, beating on a 19 year old. I sent a nasty message to PJ, warning him if he ever touched her or another girl like that again, there will be hell to pay. I know exactly where he lives, thanks to Mykel :o) And I also did a little revenge lol... but I shall not mention it on here cus I have no clue if that stupid spic reads my diary or not lol. I tried calling Brian but he didn't pick up so I left him a voicemail about what PJ did. I know he's not gonna be happy about it. I'm finally done Christmas shopping for Mike... spent alot lol... but that's cus I love him so much. And I'm not gonna put what I got him in here cus I don't know if he reads my diary so yeah. Me and Alicia are going to the mall tomorrow after school. Mike and his friend Brian are going too, but he's going to get my gift. So according to him I better not follow cus he'll know if I'm watching lol. Damn. Thanks to his friend Brian, I know it has something to do with food lol. But oh well, guess I'm just gonna have to wait and find out on Christmas day. I'm also going to his swim meet against our school tomorrow night so this ought to be interesting lol. My Interior and Fashion Design teacher ran out of the room when she got a phone call that her mother was rushed to the hospital cus she's on the verge of dying. She ran so fast she almost fell in the hallway and she was crying histerically on this teacher's shoulder. I felt so bad. High School South had a bomb threat yesterday so they were all sent to the Ritacco Center lol. We had a helicopter pick up a few teachers taking them to Fort Dix for something to do with National Guard. When I got home from school, I'm sitting there talking to Alicia and her boyfriend on the phone and out of no where I get a nose bleed. I have no clue what that was about lol. I got to see Megan over the weekend. That was quite interesting. She got to meet Mike lol. Can't wait until her and Brian come home for Christmas break, it's gonna be sick. Mike decided to buy another ferret last night lol. Sweeeet. I love ferrets, their awesome. Thanksgiving was awesome at his house... got to meet Georgie, my brother's friend. He's a cop... I wasn't too happy about that, but he's pretty cool. Got to hear some interesting and embarassing stories about my brother when he was my age haha wow, like really embarassing. Jen got a new puppy... a Golden Retriever, his name is Teddy... he's sooooo adorable... I want one lol. Sarah is supposed to be getting a puppy sometime soon too. It was funny when I was at Mike's on Sunday... he was saying he was gonna kick my ass and his 3 year old sister was like "don't kick Pam's ass" we all started cracking up histerically then they yelled at her for repeating that word lol. But that night didn't turn out good at all cus I wound up pissing Mike off again, he was like shaking the whole time he was so mad. I love you sooooo much Mike!!!

Went to Mike's last night... that was wow. His sex drive was through the fuckin roof big time. He grabbed me by my arms and threw me onto his bed and jumped on me like a fuckin tiger and his tongue was down my throat before I could even say anything lol. I liked it though lol. We were watching Titanic with his dad haha. He deleted Matt from my phone again... sneaky. Umm today... ugh... health class is like hell. The people in it are driving me up the wall. I honestly can't stand school anymore. I have a oral presentation on Monday... this sucks major ass. I didn't get to see Mike tonight cus he had swim practice then boy scouts... oh well. Maybe tomorrow. Nothing interesting happened today. I love you Mike!

I chilled with some friends today for a little while. That was umm interesting lol. Oh wow and Ronnie was lying his ass off telling his friends that Matt wants to fight him. So Ronnie's friend (I think it was Frankie) called me up starting shit. I bugged out screaming into the phone so bad. Then I called up Brian and told him about it, he can't wait until he comes home from the air force to fuck them up. Then I told Steve about it, gave him Ronnie's address so he can beat the shit out of them lol. Thanks Steve, you're always such a big help :o) Anyways I texted Ronnie telling him I hope he dies so I can stand over his grave and laugh. Then Mike called me... so I talked to him for almost an hour. And his sex drive is like through the fuckin roof man lol. Then I was bored so I went with my mom to take my dad to work, and got McDonald's on the way home. I love you Mike!

Went to Mike's yesterday... that was quite interesting. He's on like over 10 medications and a breathing machine thing cus of having that asthma attack the other night. And his meds make him madd horny, that shit is like 10 times stronger than Viagra lmfao. The boy was like begging me to hook up with him lol. What sucks is that he's going camping tonight and tomorrow... so I'm gonna have a boring shitty weekend, working on projects and shit. Passed Matt in the hall twice... he looked pissed... probably cus he saw me, that is if I even exist. Jen pushed me into my locker lol. My cell went off during 8th period lol. We made icecream in Food Science today... it was okay... I guess. We're watching a move in Psychology so that's cool. Yesterday when I got on the bus it was so funny. Cus it was so loud and I was trying to talk to Mike on my cell. And I was screaming "why the fuck is it so loud on this bus" and Rocco heard me so he started screaming to piss me off and I was like "Rocco I'm gonna kick your ass." Then 5 minutes later while I was still on the phone with Mike, Rocco hid behind the seat and popped out of no where and got in my face screaming "why don't you kick my ass now!?!" He scared the shit out of me lol. Sometimes I wonder how I ever liked him in the past lol. Hmm well Mike is at the doctors right now before he leaves to go camping. And I'm bored out of my mind. That's pretty much it so far. I love you Mike!

Mike got rushed to the hospital cus he had an asthma attack during swim practice :o( He could barely even talk when he called me cus he couldn't breathe... I started shaking I was so worried. That was 3 hours ago and he's still not home *sighs* I hope he's okay. I love you Mike! I got yelled at cus Marjorie was in my house *rolls eyes* ... not that I care lol. RONC495401: got no car MotuzBabiGurl910: why RONC495401: car accentdent again MotuzBabiGurl910: HAHAHAHA RONC495401: not funny at all ^^^ Hahahahaha I'm such a bitch, but I love it! lol Hmmm nothing else is going on... except that I feel like SHIT! For many reasons :o(

Ugh, well I was talking to my dad last night and telling him how me and Mike are going to Wildwood after prom whether mom likes it or not. And he said he'll pay for the hotel and shit as a graduation present but when he talked to my mom about it, she said no that it's not happening. Like what the fuck!?! She can't tell me what I can and cannot do... I'm 18 right now and by the time prom comes I'll already be 19. So she can kiss my ass for all I care. Then I talked to my dad about getting a new cell phone. He was gonna buy me a shitty $80 phone but instead he bought me a $200 camera phone... YEAH BITCHES WHAT WHAT! lol So yeah if I know you and you want the number, ask for it and I'll give it to you. I was sooo fuckin pissed this morning. Alicia was supposed to drive me to school this morning. She didn't bother calling me to tell me she wasn't picking me up. I tried calling her cell and she didn't pick up. And I bugged out in class and she was like "hehe sorry" and I'm like "hehe I'm mad at you"... I'm fuckin tired of her shit. I'm tired of everyone's shit. Marjorie came over today. Don't ask people, please! She's going out with a Mexican... there's 3 of them outside right now. Interesting. I saw a rainbow today. Second time in my life I've ever seen one. I don't know, I think it's some kind of sign... just can't figure out what. I heard PJ went to 180 on Friday, and Pastor John told him to leave... HAHA GOOD! Hmm nothing else really happened that I can think of. I'm most likely gonna chill with Mike tomorrow. I love you Mike!