Woww, it feels like I haven't been on here in a long time. Sigh. I miss the old times. A lot.

I'm still here. Woo, life sucks. My ex-boyfriend is a whore. FUN. K bye.

Haha whoa, I haven't written in here in months. So much has happened. Me and Devin broke up like a month ago. It still really hurts. I don't feel like going over all of it. But yeah.

Sam is depressed and her boyfriend truly doesn't love her. That's it.

Sorry that I haven't written in here in a long time. I have four journals and I write in them all, don't ask why, so yeah, it's hard to keep up. Things with Devin suck lately. We're so distant. I miss him.

Yeah, I’m writing this now in school because I’m not allowed on at home. So last night I was on the phone with Devin and he said he might make a Myspace. And this sounds so dumb to other people, but I really don’t want him to because then I’ll have to see all these girls comment him and stuff. So yeah I didn’t want to tell him that but he wanted me to, so I finally did, and he ended up getting mad and like wouldn’t talk at all. Fjdskfjsd. He asked. God. So yeah, I probably won’t see him today or tomorrow because he doesn’t want to hang out with me or talk to me or anything. And the bell’s about to ring so I’m going.

A lot has happened in the past week. And here it ALL is. I'll let this speak for itself. Devin said this to me last week after he read one of my Blurty entries. Look. I know you've been all ehhh the past couple of day|weeks and I haven't said anything. The only reason i haven't is because I don't know what to say.. nothing I say seems to reassure you or anything, and you don't trust what I say either, so I thought there was no point. But, I have to say something now, because I don't want you to be crying everyday, and I don't want you feeling bad for yourself, or thinking anything of us besides that we are amazing. So now I'm going to try to address everything you've thought|everything you've written in your blurty. One: We're not talking a lot anymore, I know. It's just that when I get home I'm so tired from school, and I usually am in a bad mood, so I don't want to talk to anybody. Then at night I rush to get ready for the next day, take a shower and all. So it's not that I don't want to talk to you, because I do, it's just that I don't have time to. I would call you every night but I'm doing homework or something, and then I go to sleep early. I know it sounds like I'm trying to think of an excuse for everything, but I think that's what I have to do. If that's not enough said on that topic, say so. Two: I haven't seen you in forever, but once again it's because when I get home I'm always tired. That's why I like, never go to your house.. because I'm too tired|lazy to get out of my own house. Also: the reason why when you're at my house all we do is lay in bed. I promise though that this week we will hang out, because I can pick you up any day after school since my mom takes me home. So this week we will hang out, okay? I promise. Again, if that's not enough said, say something. Three: You think something is wrong with us, but there isn't. I know we haven't been talking a lot lately, but it'll get better. It doesn't mean that something's wrong with us, it doesn't. I don't like anyone else, I only love you. You are the only one for me, that's it. I don't want you crying every day, not over me, not over anything. I promise I will do my best to change that, I'll do my best to change this. I hope that's everything that you're worrying about, if not tell me. __Sick of lonely skies and missing long goodbyes Listen, Sam. I love you, you are the single most amazing person I have ever met in my whole life. There could never be anyone else that would measure up to you, never. I've said there's no such thing as "perfect." But to me, you are perfect, and I would kill myself if I ever lost you. You are the only girl I like. You are the only person I love, and that will never change. Yes, you think you're ugly, but to me and everyone else: You are gorgeous. Yes, I call you dumb, but really: You are smart. Yeah, you think I hate talking to you, but I don't; I love talking to you, because: You are funny. Finally, yes you think I don't love you, or don't love you as much as you love me, but: I do love you, and it's the same amount, if not more than you love me. To have you, it's like a blessing; To lose you, it'd be torture. I don't want to lose you, and hopefully I won't. I love you more than the world. No, bigger: the universe, and nothing could ever stop me from thinking that. I love you so much, Sam. Never think otherwise, because I will always love you, no matter what happens. __You're the girl that I'm dreaming of This is my Blurty entry from yesterday: I KNEW TODAY WOULD BE A BAD DAY. Ugh, I hate writing long entries. But here it isss. Soo. Last week Devin asked me to go to a Dashboard show with him (which is tonight). And my mom said I couldn't, but I never actually told him I couldn't. He just assumed. So I go online this morning and Cristine's away message is "sleep, school, concert." So I was like fuck, what other concert could it be. Then it dawned on me that she was probably going with Devin. And I got fucking pissed off, even though I wasn't sure yet. So then I asked Devin if he was still going, and he said "yeah.. you said you couldn't go, right?" And even though I didn't, I just said, "right," because I didn't want to start something else. So I was like, "well who are you going with?" And he said his brother or maybe Cristine. And I knew that he really meant Cristine, I'm not stupid. Plus her away message said so. So then I was just plain mad. And I know, I know, I have no real reason to be mad. They're just friends going to a concert or whatever. But I don't think of it that way. I guess you just have to be inside my mind to understand. So when I got to school I was telling Juilana about it and she actually understood me and took my side. And I saw Cristine and I swear to God I almost fucking hit her. So we were walking in the hallway, and just as she was saying, "I hate Cristine," Cristine's boyfriend, Brian, walks right past and he gave us some weird look. So we were like ehh shit. So we had to chase him across the school so we could talk to him. Well Juilana wanted to, actually. So she was like, "Sam, tell him." And I was like, "tell him what?" So then she just started talking. And she goes, "Sam thinks Devin and Cristine have a 'thing'." And I was like huhhh. Then she asked Brian if he knew about Cristine going with Devin, and he goes, "yeah, she told me last week." So yeah, they've been planning this for a week? Great. But yeah. Then they talked about something else which I don't remember. Then we walked away and went to hang out with other people. Then we saw Brian go over to Cristine and tell her everything that just happened. And she shot me this like murderous glance. And it made me laugh. Then for the rest of the day I forgot about it. But then I came home and both of their away messages was about it and Cristine called him "Devi" again, which makes me want to shoot her. So then I wasn't so over it anymore and I was mad again. So yeah. Now they're both there together, having a grand old time. And I won't talk to him tonight and I won't hang out with him tomorrow because he'll be so tired from the concert and school. By the way, he promised we would hang out this week and we still haven't and the last possible chance is Friday but I doubt that's going to happen. So whatever. If he forgots, then I will do something not cool. Then later on I wrote: djfkdsjfksd. Ugh. I took a nap before and had another bad dream. And in this one, Devin and Cristine were um, kissing, at the show they're at right now. And I woke up crying. Yes, again. So I was thinking about the dream, then I started thinking about all these bad things. Like, what if that really did happen, and he decided not to tell me, just like how he didn't tell Lindsey about the Dorney trip. And like, I'll try to explain it, but my mind thinks fast, so I don't really understand it myself. But let's say something like that happened. And I went really drastic and broke up with him. Or for whatever reason. I can't picture him being as upset as he was when he broke up with Lindsey for the first time. Yes, I know I've written this before, but I'm writing it again. I mean, says I'm "perfect" and all, not that that's true, but if he thinks that, you would think he would be upset. But when something happens, no matter how stupid or who messed up, he gets so stubborn. I hate it. In a situation where a boyfriend would get upset, he gets mad. And when he gets mad, I get upset. Then when I get upset, he gets more mad and more stubborn. It's a vicious cycle. It's horrible and it sucks. But there's these rare times where I get so upset, that I just get emotionally numb, and my mind won't let me think about anything anymore, and I end up getting really really hyper. And this is one of those times. These past two weeks have been just incredibly bad, and it's becoming too much for me to take. So yeah, right now, I'm really hyper and listening to the A-Teens? Yeah. I get weird. And the one I just wrote right now: No, don't worry, it's totally normal to be crying at 5:45 in the morning. her away message: fucking beat. going to bed, & dragging myself out of it for school. his away message: tired from concert with cristine. legs are in pain. bye I LOVE how he added the "with cristine." I really do. PS: Today makes two weeks without seeing him. I think I should go kill myself now or something. Bye.

Something is wrong with me and Devin. I can still feel it. Tonight I asked him on the phone if we were okay, and we said yeah. But he didn't sound too sure of that. jkdfskldsjfldsfs. I hate this. I'm so scared that something's going on that I don't know about. It seems like we don't talk about certain things as much as we used to. Fuck. This can't be good. I can sense it getting worse already. I hope this gets better, a lot better. For the past week, my wish on 11:11 has been for things to get better and to see him soon. But that still hasn't come true. (Gee, thanks to the person who grants the wishes made on 11:11. Who is that anyway)? Whatever, I don't understand how this seems so easy for other people, going to different schools. Argh, me and him never have our "I love you" "No, I love you more" fights anymore. I miss them =[. I don't know, I'm being paranoid lately. And oh yeah. I had another one of those nightmares last night. This one was I was doing a dance recital. And I was on stage. And I looked out into the audience and saw Devin with this girl he's friends with at his school. And he was holding her hand or something. And in my dream I started crying. Then I woke up crying. That wasn't cool.

I just got home from escuela. It was boring, nothing really exciting happened. Whatever, school sucks, we all know that. And about Devin- I don't even know. We barely talk anymore and I haven't seen him in a week. I know that's not a lot, but it feels like it.

School just sucks in general. Every single fucking thing about it. Things with Devin kinda suck too. The whole different schools thing is slowly tearing us apart. I can feel it, and I know he can too. I do not want to end up breaking up after awhile. I want to fix this. I'm going to watch Full House. I know, funnn.

Tomorrow is three months with Devinnnnnn. Hah, it feels like a week ago when I wrote "Haha, it seems like just yesterday when I was writing that it was me and Devin's one month anniversary. Today it's two months. Yay.". Pff, how cool. Hopefully, I'll see him tomorrow. It's like every single day is a repeat of the day before. It's so boring. Today was the same way. Nothing really exciting happened. It feels like things with me and Devin are weird lately. We don't talk as much, I guess because of school. I don't like it. It makes me feel like we're growing apart. =(

I hate school so much. I don't feel like writing this all again, so I'm copying this from my Blurty. But yeah, I hate school so much. I've been crying over it ever since the first day. Argh, I hate it so much. I miss my g&t class. I miss Maya writing all over my folders. I miss actually being comfortable in class. I miss having whiteboards, and not chalkboards. I miss having five computers per class. I miss the high-tech projectors we used to watch tv and movies. And I miss seeing Devin every single day, all day ='[. Ugh I hate ittt. Oh yeah. My mom and dad got in a huge fight, so now my dad's filing for custody. fdsjfksjdfksdf. Whatever. I don't like either of them.

THE BUS COMES IN 45 MINUTES AH MOMMY! Today is sad. I talked to Devin before he left. And went outside when Erica's bus came. And went outside when the middle school bus came. And now I have no one to talk to. I hate this. Me and Devin are going to be okay. Because I said so. Two different schools will never tear us apart =].

Yeah, I didn't want you guys to think I forgot about this. Nothing has really happened lately. School starts soon and I'm dreading it.

Arghh. Forget that whole happy thing I had going. The past few days have been so weird. Me and Devin have barely talked because he's been busy with family. When we do talk, it's all quiet and awkward and I hate it. I really feel like I'm losing him, and it's not a great feeling.

Haha, it seems like just yesterday when I was writing that it was me and Devin's one month anniversary. Today it's two months. Yay. I hung out with him today anddd yesterday. And before that I haven't since basically the beginning of the summer. So now I'm sad that we wasted the whole summer not seeing each other. So from now until school, we're going to see each other as much as possible since we're going to different schools. Okay, I'm not even going to write about that, because it makes me depressed. So yeah. I'm happyyyyy. And I hope I stay that way.

Haha, it seems like just yesterday when I was writing that it was me and Devin's one month anniversary. Today it's two months. Yay. I hung out with him today anddd yesterday. And before that I haven't since basically the beginning of the summer. So now I'm sad that we wasted the whole summer not seeing each other. So from now until school, we're going to see each other as much as possible since we're going to different schools. Okay, I'm not even going to write about that, because it makes me depressed. So yeah. I'm happyyyyy. And I hope I stay that way.

Haha, it seems like just yesterday when I was writing that it was me and Devin's one month anniversary. Today it's two months. Yay. I hung out with him today anddd yesterday. And before that I haven't since basically the beginning of the summer. So now I'm sad that we wasted the whole summer not seeing each other. So from now until school, we're going to see each other as much as possible since we're going to different schools. Okay, I'm not even going to write about that, because it makes me depressed. So yeah. I'm happyyyyy. And I hope I stay that way.

Sorry, I know I haven't written in here in a long time. There's just been nothing really good to write about. This summer sucks. Right now I'm talking to Heather about how depressing it is that we're not going to Warped when everyone we know is. It's only 30 minutes away, in the town where my dad lives. But nooo, I can't go. Ugh, I hate it. So yeah, instead me and her are going to hang out or something and be depressed together this Sunday. Things with Devin are like weird. I don't know, not really, just ehhhhh. We haven't gotten in fights or mad at each other anytime recently. So that's good. But still, I don't know. I haven't seen him in over a month. And it's really not cool. At all. I don't know if it's because he really doesn't want to see me, or what. I don't knowww =(.

Me and Devin made up. And we were both in good moods after that, so that was good. We did surveys together like old times and just stuff like that =]. But I wonder how long it's going to last before we get in another fight.