A lot has happened in the past week. And here it ALL is. I'll let this speak for itself. Devin said this to me last week after he read one of my Blurty entries. Look. I know you've been all ehhh the past couple of day|weeks and I haven't said anything. The only reason i haven't is because I don't know what to say.. nothing I say seems to reassure you or anything, and you don't trust what I say either, so I thought there was no point. But, I have to say something now, because I don't want you to be crying everyday, and I don't want you feeling bad for yourself, or thinking anything of us besides that we are amazing. So now I'm going to try to address everything you've thought|everything you've written in your blurty. One: We're not talking a lot anymore, I know. It's just that when I get home I'm so tired from school, and I usually am in a bad mood, so I don't want to talk to anybody. Then at night I rush to get ready for the next day, take a shower and all. So it's not that I don't want to talk to you, because I do, it's just that I don't have time to. I would call you every night but I'm doing homework or something, and then I go to sleep early. I know it sounds like I'm trying to think of an excuse for everything, but I think that's what I have to do. If that's not enough said on that topic, say so. Two: I haven't seen you in forever, but once again it's because when I get home I'm always tired. That's why I like, never go to your house.. because I'm too tired|lazy to get out of my own house. Also: the reason why when you're at my house all we do is lay in bed. I promise though that this week we will hang out, because I can pick you up any day after school since my mom takes me home. So this week we will hang out, okay? I promise. Again, if that's not enough said, say something. Three: You think something is wrong with us, but there isn't. I know we haven't been talking a lot lately, but it'll get better. It doesn't mean that something's wrong with us, it doesn't. I don't like anyone else, I only love you. You are the only one for me, that's it. I don't want you crying every day, not over me, not over anything. I promise I will do my best to change that, I'll do my best to change this. I hope that's everything that you're worrying about, if not tell me. __Sick of lonely skies and missing long goodbyes Listen, Sam. I love you, you are the single most amazing person I have ever met in my whole life. There could never be anyone else that would measure up to you, never. I've said there's no such thing as "perfect." But to me, you are perfect, and I would kill myself if I ever lost you. You are the only girl I like. You are the only person I love, and that will never change. Yes, you think you're ugly, but to me and everyone else: You are gorgeous. Yes, I call you dumb, but really: You are smart. Yeah, you think I hate talking to you, but I don't; I love talking to you, because: You are funny. Finally, yes you think I don't love you, or don't love you as much as you love me, but: I do love you, and it's the same amount, if not more than you love me. To have you, it's like a blessing; To lose you, it'd be torture. I don't want to lose you, and hopefully I won't. I love you more than the world. No, bigger: the universe, and nothing could ever stop me from thinking that. I love you so much, Sam. Never think otherwise, because I will always love you, no matter what happens. __You're the girl that I'm dreaming of This is my Blurty entry from yesterday: I KNEW TODAY WOULD BE A BAD DAY. Ugh, I hate writing long entries. But here it isss. Soo. Last week Devin asked me to go to a Dashboard show with him (which is tonight). And my mom said I couldn't, but I never actually told him I couldn't. He just assumed. So I go online this morning and Cristine's away message is "sleep, school, concert." So I was like fuck, what other concert could it be. Then it dawned on me that she was probably going with Devin. And I got fucking pissed off, even though I wasn't sure yet. So then I asked Devin if he was still going, and he said "yeah.. you said you couldn't go, right?" And even though I didn't, I just said, "right," because I didn't want to start something else. So I was like, "well who are you going with?" And he said his brother or maybe Cristine. And I knew that he really meant Cristine, I'm not stupid. Plus her away message said so. So then I was just plain mad. And I know, I know, I have no real reason to be mad. They're just friends going to a concert or whatever. But I don't think of it that way. I guess you just have to be inside my mind to understand. So when I got to school I was telling Juilana about it and she actually understood me and took my side. And I saw Cristine and I swear to God I almost fucking hit her. So we were walking in the hallway, and just as she was saying, "I hate Cristine," Cristine's boyfriend, Brian, walks right past and he gave us some weird look. So we were like ehh shit. So we had to chase him across the school so we could talk to him. Well Juilana wanted to, actually. So she was like, "Sam, tell him." And I was like, "tell him what?" So then she just started talking. And she goes, "Sam thinks Devin and Cristine have a 'thing'." And I was like huhhh. Then she asked Brian if he knew about Cristine going with Devin, and he goes, "yeah, she told me last week." So yeah, they've been planning this for a week? Great. But yeah. Then they talked about something else which I don't remember. Then we walked away and went to hang out with other people. Then we saw Brian go over to Cristine and tell her everything that just happened. And she shot me this like murderous glance. And it made me laugh. Then for the rest of the day I forgot about it. But then I came home and both of their away messages was about it and Cristine called him "Devi" again, which makes me want to shoot her. So then I wasn't so over it anymore and I was mad again. So yeah. Now they're both there together, having a grand old time. And I won't talk to him tonight and I won't hang out with him tomorrow because he'll be so tired from the concert and school. By the way, he promised we would hang out this week and we still haven't and the last possible chance is Friday but I doubt that's going to happen. So whatever. If he forgots, then I will do something not cool. Then later on I wrote: djfkdsjfksd. Ugh. I took a nap before and had another bad dream. And in this one, Devin and Cristine were um, kissing, at the show they're at right now. And I woke up crying. Yes, again. So I was thinking about the dream, then I started thinking about all these bad things. Like, what if that really did happen, and he decided not to tell me, just like how he didn't tell Lindsey about the Dorney trip. And like, I'll try to explain it, but my mind thinks fast, so I don't really understand it myself. But let's say something like that happened. And I went really drastic and broke up with him. Or for whatever reason. I can't picture him being as upset as he was when he broke up with Lindsey for the first time. Yes, I know I've written this before, but I'm writing it again. I mean, says I'm "perfect" and all, not that that's true, but if he thinks that, you would think he would be upset. But when something happens, no matter how stupid or who messed up, he gets so stubborn. I hate it. In a situation where a boyfriend would get upset, he gets mad. And when he gets mad, I get upset. Then when I get upset, he gets more mad and more stubborn. It's a vicious cycle. It's horrible and it sucks. But there's these rare times where I get so upset, that I just get emotionally numb, and my mind won't let me think about anything anymore, and I end up getting really really hyper. And this is one of those times. These past two weeks have been just incredibly bad, and it's becoming too much for me to take. So yeah, right now, I'm really hyper and listening to the A-Teens? Yeah. I get weird. And the one I just wrote right now: No, don't worry, it's totally normal to be crying at 5:45 in the morning. her away message: fucking beat. going to bed, & dragging myself out of it for school. his away message: tired from concert with cristine. legs are in pain. bye I LOVE how he added the "with cristine." I really do. PS: Today makes two weeks without seeing him. I think I should go kill myself now or something. Bye.