Just to clarify about my last journal entry, I don't intent to actually jump of a building... that was a joke. Personally, I think suicide is a choice for wimps. i've actually been thinking about that for a while. No... for those of you trying to wonder if I am thinking about suicide. I'm not. I was just thinking about what people in my situation would do. It's a lot of stress for me right now. I think that suicide is when someone wants to stop their pain and suffering. People, think about it. Yes... you may stop yours, but you are just heaping it onto the people that love you. Is that something that you really want to do? I don't blame people that have attempted suicide (I actually know several people who have and a couple of them are close friends) I think it actually makes them stronger to have gone to the edge and realized what they were doing. Or... if they didn't realize it then, hopefully they will now. Well, the news of late... My brother is getting better all the time, he gets a little moody now and them, often switching between being extremly hyper and really excited, to dead on his feet. I get really worried because he does it at weird times. For example... at the jazz fest, he was really wired during my preformance, and started randomly clapping in the middle of the song... He said that it was because there was a solo, but I think he is just covering up for himself. Then, about five minutes after that he just colapsed, claiming that the school was "bringing his energy down" and he and my mom left to get some food. My sister is back, but she is still not really on it. I think it was one of the saddest things. Me and her usually don't always get along... No... that's not right... we get along, but we always bicker. It's just one of those things that siblings do. Honestly, I think we are actually really close because of it, I know that may sound weird. But... when I saw her at the hospital, she was just laying there, not moving, and I could tell that it hurt to talk, but she sat there and talked with me anyway. I think at that moment I would have done anything to make her smile, anything that I could to make her feel better, to make her forget where she was, and why she was there. As I was leaving I took her hand and talked to her, promised her I would say hello to everyone, telling her about everything that had been going on outside the hospital, everyone who had asked how she was or wished her well. My parents were talking to one of the nurses and so I just stayed there, stood and held her hand for a couple of minutes. Just talking to her, trying as hard as I could to make her really smile. She tried, she honestly tried to make an effort, wryly grinning when I made a joke. Those couple minutes broke my heart all over again. I know last years sophmores told us about this day they had that changed their lives. They talked about events that have happened, they cried with each other. They talked to each other. I couldn't understand what the big deal is. The next person who tells me that I don't feel anything... I feel everything... Every one of my days feels like what they described to me. I tried to tell them that I've done it before, that I've experienced things like this. I've been to south africa, seen the homeless, seen the slums where there are gang shootings nightly, where the hotel managers waited until after breakfast to tell us that our car had been broken into because it wasn't that big a deal. Seen the people who die by the thousands every day because of a virus that everyone feels sorry for, but yet we still are cutting the budgets to find a cure. Then to come home and see in the newspaper that three more soldieers died in Iraq and our country is grieving. That just makes me sick. I've been through the family disfunction, seen my family and friends die before their time. I've seen the burdens of the old pressed onto the young. So before you tell me that I don't know what that experience was like... Think about it... That's my life.