I'm only taking you back because I've exhausted all my other options and can't do any better. Yeah, I said it. As dysfunctional as this relationship is at the moment, it's the closest to anything I've got to actually work. I guess I'll die trying.

I need to quit being so neurotic because I think people are finally catching up to me. I also have a new goal: To meet a fucking stranger, anyone really, anyone that isn't anyone that I already know or knows anyone I know. I know that would be nice. Don't you know? No?

My skin looks so good right now! Thank God! A lot of things have changed for me and I'm still trying to figure out whether the benefits outweigh the negatives. I'm also about 3 months from being a real nurse. The thought of being personally responsible for the complete care of another human being scares the living shit out of me. Thankfully, it has yet to show. No more blue scrubs, ever. I stopped everything having to do with Alex. I guess I just cut things off before it became any more complicated than it already was. I'm tons happier now. I have so much time for myself lately. Thank God I like hanging out with me.

I think it's as if I care about you so much that I've gotten scared so the way I deal with it is by avoiding you all together. you're too good for me, bye.

So..you're single, again? Should I be expecting a phone call soon?

I don't know what to expect, so I'm asking you. What do you want from me?

So thankful for this upcoming holiday cute date today things are looking up

I've been doing that thing again. You know-where you point to some random page in some random book and then that is your fate. What a little melodramatic fuck I have become. The reason why I even mention it is because we all know that you never really choose to acknowledge the 'truth' unless it fits with whatever ideal you have of yourself. So here I am, pointing, one eye cocked, trying to avoid the same page over and over again. 3 hits later, I'll accept it: I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day glaring ahead of me like white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue. It seemed so silly to wash one day when I would only have to wash again the next. It made me tired just to think of it. I wanted to do everything once and for all and be through with it. pg. 128

things I have realized in the past few weeks: 1st-I'm not going to plead my case over the internet, but please trust me when I say I don't think I'm as ugly as before. 2nd- I don't like to drink, but I like to be drunk. Thank God I'm Asian, little, and lack enzymes. That means it takes me 2 drinks to get shitty rather than your 12 drinks and tab, take that bitches. 3rd- I'm finding it very difficult to focus on my classes this semester. Maybe because I don't like kids? Maybe because this class is throwing my life away? Maybe because I'm a lazy bitch and would rather watch food network even though those will be on repeat, my grades? not so much unless I FAIL. 4th-I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU. CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME? PLEASE DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME (AGAIN.)

I'm surprised with how productive I've been so far this evening. It still doesn't mean I've learned anything. Back to the books!

Him: Are you laughing at me? She: Only on the inside I like him so much.

I guess I could talk about my life as of late- I like someone very much who is very much a work in progress. Emotionally available/physically distant. Just the way I like it. Then there's the other- Physically available/emotionally illiterate Just the way I hate it. and then there's me- sober a third of the time letting you eat grapes off of my fingers proverbially of course.

I have a problem with honesty Mostly because I am such a good liar. I keep lying to myself, saying that I'll get this done, I'll be here, I'll be that, We'll be this, I LOVE YOU. all over again. I just lie here. take that as you will.

Way to weasel your way back in- "With you, I am, always."

This is what I get for putting myself out on a limb. I was completely honest and fell for promises of open ears and wandering adventures. AM I FEELING CONNECTED YET? fuck you.

Do you know what I want MORE than anything else in the world?? A LINE OF COKE. this would be funny if I were kidding.

Yes, haha. same old same old this is going to sound weird... 11:31am Vickie shoot? 11:32am ------- i don't know if i should say over the internet lol 11:32am Vickie ok... I mean, i dunno.. 11:33am ------- what? 11:33am Vickie nevermind, I've got to go I'm busy not having a life anymore

This blog has turned into rants about boys, whatevs. So it would be really nice if you bought me a chanel jumbo black caviar bag for valentines day. Wait a minute-are we even dating?

pretty sad when the highlight of my night is watching SOUTHPARK with you. ugh.

FRUSTRATED.