june 24th is going to be the greatest day of my life. = graduation. =goodbye. = hello, new york.

honestly, you'd think after almost two years i could get over someone. i'm so angry all the time "at him" but it's just because i want to hide how much i still love him. it's so gay since it's pretty evident we will never get back together since we don't know how to treat each other not like shit, but there's just no one else that i can love like him. "time always kills the pain." that's such bullshit. when i let myself, i still feel the same amount of pain i felt a year and a half ago. WHAT AM I.!

suppp NIGGZ. whhhhhats up. well lets see.. this is gonna be the best week in school, since im gonna be there for one full day, and a little more than half for the other 2 days. we have today off, wednesday is college day at the arena from 5th period on, thursday im leaving for the city at like 1:30, and ill be in the city til sunday night so ill be missing friday. IM SO EXCITED TO GO TO THE CITY!! i'm staying at marks apartment, and friday im going to visit my hopefully future college :) :) saturday night i'm hanging out with my friend Chris from New Jersey, we're meeting in Manhattan for dinner and other things. :) and im sure either thursday and/or friday night ill be getting drunk and going out with mark. its gonna be awwwwwesome. this past weekend was okay... friday night rachel and i went to starbucks then stopped by the hotel party. saturday night i was at ryans til like 4 in the morning. last night brenda rachel and i watched the wedding date which was lammmme. tonight i think im going to ryans for the night. i love not having to go to school til 9:30 :D so rachel was telling us last night that over the 4 day weekend in april were gonna take a few extra days off of school and a BUNCH of us girls are gonna stay at her aunts wicked nice house in florida. thats gonna be fucking insane... so the only thing were gonna need money for is, basically alcohol :) cant wait for that. im going to try to do something with my hair that i saw the other day so payyyyyce!

i literally havent listened or heard a leann ryhmes song since i was 8 but yet one is stuck in my head. i'm so damn annoyed. i just want senior year to be over already, i was excited before it started and maybe for like a week but i'm already over it. i need to be introduced to the real world, where i can fend for myself, because i think once i have to be independent, i can tell people that i really dont like to fuck off. the whole college application process is a lot more complicated than i imagined. i'm 99.7% sure i want to go to Kingsborough in brooklyn, but i have to go visit the campus and make sure. mark and i are also talking about getting our own apartment since if i move in with him it'll be 5 of us in a 3 bedroom apartment. it'll be expensive, but we won't have to deal with it til we're out of college. it's going to work out really good, because when i'm done with my 2 years at the community college, he'll be graduating college, and i'll be transfering to Cortland and he'll be doing god only knows what. i'm just gonna be so relieved to get to the city and start my damn life. i'm excited that it's gonna be tough and i'm gonna have to work my ass off, because it's allll worth it to me. i know i hate going to work as it is now, but i dont have a fucking badass apartment in NEW YORK CITY to pay for to motivate me. i'm gonna move down there in july or early august to look for a job and get settled. and just the idea of going to a school where i know NO one, in a city where i know no one except the person i live with, it's just awesome. i wouldn't want to go to college with anyone i graduate with, it's just not the same. even any of my friends, we just all need to be on our own for awhile so we have new things to talk about. i'm so fucking excited, i don't care how old it gets to hear me talking about it, i'm fucking ready to take on the world. and only 8 1/2 months left to go!

this weekend was too much. not really but seriously i dont think ive ever been so busy. friday night was the volleyball tournament which was actually a lot of fun. my team was Team Boe-Shee and it was me, rach, jessie, brenda, bogey, and branden. we played against fricken chad chris mitch ryan and a few other guys, but we only lost by 2 points. then we all went to Phil's show which was.... well we didnt see any of the bands, i just talked to him outside and we had to drag jessie out before she beat a bitch up haha oh dear lord. SATURDAY. busiest day of my life. woke up and went tanning with jessie.. then erin and katie put hair extensions in for us which look BAD FUCKING ASS.!! then we had to go shop for shoes, and double sided tape, and gum, and etc etc etc. then half-time at the football game to see who got homecoming queen (which by the way emilee deserved it more than anyone i can think of!!). then we had to figure out the hotel/alcohol plans. then i had to get my makeup done, get ready at frach's, get pictures at my house, get phil, go out to dinner, the dance which was lame, then the after party... which was great cause i got trashed then the cops came and it was hilarious basically. got food at mcdonalds and called it a night with rachel in my arms. well sleeping on the couch next to me :) so yeaaahh.. sometimes ill be thinking of something and it reminds me that im in my last year of highschool.. and it kinnnda freaks me out sometimes. dont get me wrong, im totally excited to move on... but i was just thinking back to freshman year and how i had SO much damn fun. erin and i partied so fucking much, and i was so GHETTO if anyone can imagine that hahahahha and i went out with matt... just such a fun fucking year. the song im listening to right now reminds me of smoking way too much pot and drinking at danielles house when her dad worked at night with all these ghetto guys and mookie and i screaming " GO BROOKLYN! GO BROOKLYN!" hahahaha. honestly so much fun. I WANNA GO BACK FOR ONE MINUTE.now i just feel too grown up for my age and that i cant be as carefree as i used to be which just suuuucks. but im off to tannning bed... leave a damn comment.

honestly, this show defines my life. one day i'm going to write a book that basically will say everything that Carrie talks about in every episode, since all of it is what I think about everyday of my life. watching this show puts me in such an independent mindset, i feel like i don't need anyone (well, in terms of a guy) when i watch this show, which sounds ridiculous but whatever works. ANYWAYS... I"M OUT OF MY MIND CONFUSED! i keep going back and forth between the two colleges i'm trying to decide between.. it's either BCC, which after all i've said about it might not be THAT bad of an idea, because my parents would probably buy me a new car, but I wouldn't be changing myself and putting myself in a new environment if I did that. It would mean seeing the same people, working at the same job or something equally as shitty, and staying in the 607. my other option is Kingsborough Community College in Brooklyn, which offers my major which is SO hard to find in a community college (Education- General). Mark lives with 3 people in his apartment, and there is room for one more person, which can be me if I so desire. The idea of living in an upscale apartment in NYC where every opportunity imaginable is at my hands, where I know no one but Mark, where I can meet all new guys to hook up with, all new girls to try and trust, party at all new places, dance at all new clubs, and really just live on my own? It's incredible.. and I just can't make up my mind. Everyday I go back and forth with this... one thing that would help me out a little bit is if my fucking guidance counsler could do her job and COME TO SCHOOL ONCE IN AWHILE. i've been down there 3 times this week and its only tuesday... i need to find out what i need to qualify getting into that college in NYC so I can make my decision a lot easier. Homecoming. i've never been excited for a dance before but I'm suuper stoked. Jessie and I are getting hair extensions and its gonna be a good time. hard to believe it's our last homecoming. anyways, i'm going for a walk to think with my sex and the city mind haha..

is WHACK. school is not fun when you have senioritis. parties have been okay, love life has been whack. not so much whack, i'm just 100% confused and immature i guess. WHATEV! i want to have fun, i want to be loved, i want to be happy, but i'm too damn confused to do any of the sort. i think TOO much. ive been getting more sleep but im still exhausted. i dont know what is going on, but i know that mark comes home from college today for the weekend so that means drunkeness and cigs with my favorite gay man alivee.!!

songs you heard today: ETID, Kanye what you had for lunch: tacoo bell con brenda! last time you drank alcohol: last night :( where you went today: my work, taco bell, bank, tanning bed, Queens nails, wendys, brendas house last time you kissed someone: last night last concert you went to: head automatica in july what you can hear right now: my fan what you can smell right now: nothing what you're wearing: green shorts and a gray billabong tshirt last time you drove a car: like an hour ago last item you purchased: a soda from wendys last 3 people you talked to online: phil, rachel and brenda last word you said outloud: fuck last friend you saw: brenda last time you partied: last night last book you read: i dont read books usually last email you recieved: i dont even have an email address last person you talked to on the phone: jessies dad lol last time you went on a road trip: tuesday, syracuse to get brenda from the airport last time you were on a plane: april current desktop: nothing current screen saver: a windows XP thing what you're doing this weekend: working & huge statelands party tomorrow night i think what you're looking forward to: statelands and SCHOOL NEXT WEEK!! what you're doing when this is over: getting ready, taking a shirt back to the mall, buying a pair of pants from peter harris clothing, then going to work

YES! im driving to syracuse in an hour to go pick brenda up from the airport! shes been in Cali for 3 weeks and i miss the fucking shit out of her. so i have to make this entry fast so i can shower and stuff. last night phil and i got into our first "fight." it was more of a misunderstanding, because i'm the only one that yelled. it was over whether or not we're going to be pursuing our relationship further with me going back to school next week and all... and it got blown out of proportion thanks to me. i have an extreme fear of losing people, and it makes my defense very high in discussions like that, because i try to appear tough and like "i dont care" what happens either way, but everyone knows i do because i can't act for shit. after sleeping on it, i realize that hes right, weve only been hanging out for 5 or 6 weeks, and theres no need to rush into anything, or talk about the future, because no ones if there will ever be a future with anything. i hope that we continue to have fun, and keep everything light-hearted, because the kid is awesome. thats all. :)

thats my mood, and i have NO idea what it means. i cant even fathum what it must mean, actually. someone tell me. !! so anyways, its been an interesting week. i havent felt depressed/lonely/whatever you want to call it in awhile. and then yesterday i did. and it sucked. this week put a lot of things into perspective for me. im sick of just doing things to do them, and im sick of doing things when i dont want to do them. so im going to stop. or at least try. hard. because im out of here in a year. ive been thinking about that HARDCORE. i need to make a decision about where im going to be living within the next few months. i think ive narrowed it down, at least to the states. which are: .. New York, obviously. either NYC, Utica or Cortland. .. PA. Philly seems cool, not as big as NYC but still interesting. & A few other towns located centrally. .. Florida. always wanted to go to school there. id love to live out my fantasy of living near the ocean and being able to surf and getting GOOD at it. plus id be living with my aunt who is super awesome. its just that no one is motivated down there to do anything with their lives, and im taking college really seriously since ill be paying for every damn penny of it. i dont know. but i need to make a decision soon and im so scared that ill make the wrong one. oh well, as long as its not here. so i was depressed yesterday because i hate stupid situations like the one im about to write about. theres this guy Mike who ive known my junior year, he was a senior, but never talked to him because i had a movie star crush on him so i was too scared to. but we started talking in the beginning of the summer through myspace & on the internet and whatnot, and we exchanged numbers but nothing ever came of it. so he informs me that hes moving to PA this weekend for college and that we should hang out some night cause we have so much in common and i seem like a cool girl. so we hang out the other night, just driving around becasue theres nothing else to do and we find out that its weird that we didnt know each other sooner. hes friends with one of my exes, im friends with the guy that his ex cheated on him with and we were both so close to each other but never realized it. so we thought that was funny. plus weve been at a few of the same concerts and didnt see each other. anyways to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he likes me by the end of the night, but obviously nothing can happen now because hes going to be 4 hours away in 2 days. at college. where he'll have the opportunity to have sex with a new girl out of 3,000 every night until next May. thats awesome. the point of this whole thing is that no one wants a relationship with me, and i dont even know if i want one at this point, but it just makes me depressed. the line from 'best of you' by the foo fighters sums up all im feeling right now: im getting tired of starting again, somewhere new..

haha i feel attractive. well im waiting for rachel jessie and ashley to pick me up for boca joes so im all dressed up, thats why i feel attractive. my hair is lookin pretty fly 8-) yyea yea yeaaa. last night phil and i went "camping" at statelands. ah. ha. ha. ah. it was an interesting night thats for sure. took at least an hour or so to put the stupid fucking tent up.. which in the end we didnt even have set up right, but it was good enough to sleep in. then we try to start a fire.. with nothing but paper/magazines. so we started a fire.. for 15 seconds. then we got all situated in the tent and these guys show up planning to have a bonfire where our tent was setup, but they were super cool and went down the road a little ways. we pretty much just fell asleep after that, but all in all it was just NICE. :) all these peoples away messages are about how tonight is their last night in binghamton before they leave for college and i'm sososoSO jealous. but i do have a nice apartment in brooklyn waiting for me in a year ! anyways, time to down a 40 quickly and dance with 28 year old men. i heart binghamton.

i wont say things are awesome right now because thats only jinxing myself which at this moment with a certain something i dont want to do. =)

so life has seemed renewed the past few weeks. basically its been jessie and i together and we never really see brenda and rachel except for thursday nights when we go to boca joes. shady but theres nothing i can do about it so i dont try. i finally got a job after the 2 month search since i got fired from CVS.. i started TJ Maxx. its not too bad, they gave me a shit load of hours my first 2 weeks. theres a lot of cool people that im getting to know which is GOOD for me, i need to meet new people. also started seeing a newww boy which has been alright. hes verrry different from any guy ive ever been with. hes extremely into music, i mean like you cant imagine. he knows everything and anything about any band you can imagine. hes been in a few bands himself, and hes just very talented. i love that hes passionate about everything and hes really interesting. we were seeing each other every other night for about two weeks but ive been working a lot and hes been busy with coordinating shows at the club in binghamton that bands play at. it will be interesting to see how things work out with that.. last night was the first night in nearly a month i got a full nights sleep. my routine lately has been work til 10, out with jessie, hanging out with phil until 5 in the morning, sleeping til 730, summer school, work, repeat. after tonight i have three days off which i am STOKED about. summer school is over a week from monday.. cant FUCKING wait for that. there hasnt been too many parties lately. we threw one up at statelands last weekend but the outcome wasnt too great, only about 10 people. jarets party the other night though.. haha.. cops + funnels = good times. except that my dad had to bring me to castle creek at 7 am to pick my car back up.. WOOPS! well im about to get ready then bring phil to his studio, then i have to work til 10. i think were doing statelands again tonight, so if youre reading this give me a call, leave a voicemail, and bring some friends up there with some beerrrrr. word.

i had sex with a beautiful man last night. absolutey beautiful.

supsupsupsup! how the fuck is everyone. lets see.. the past few weeks have been eventful i guess. saw a couple concerts, including Every Time I Die and HEAD AUTOMATICA for the second time. Head AUtomatica was a road trip to Albany with jessie & frach and i slept the whole way. danced like fucking insane people once Daryl belted his heart out, and he was drunk which was hilarious but kinda disappointing. The lead singer of theStart, who is a total babe and now my hair is exactly like hers: short, half blonde, half black, came in front of us to let this girl behind us sing and all of her sweat collected on my arm. what else what else.. still havent found a job yet. it fucking sucks. note to self: dont get fired from the most amazingly flexible and fun job youll ever have, Jen. wOOps. boca joes every thursday night.. making out with a random very hot Joel character across the street one night when we went. drinking 40's, my new favorite. shopping. lost 10 pounds since school ended! summer school = BUMMER! i have to be there at 835 every morning which, naturally, im late for everyday. our teacher is CRAZY. our class is full of SCUMBUCKETS. and im way too tired and hot to sit in that room for an hour and a half. i had my aunts house for the past week while she was in florida. you know what that means. actually, no parties. just sex! which to me is better than a party anyday. so thats pretty much my life of the past few weeks. Warped Tour next month is gonna be BANGIN! possibly Florida with my broham to get some surfing in because i'm dyyying, i havent done it in monnnnnths, whoa almost a year?! not cool not cool. PZOUT!

what ARE people. if you just stop and think about it, what is anything? what is life? what is a computer? what is a person? when you think about the entire world as a whole, why are any of us afraid to be ourselves and say whats on our mind? i dont think ill ever be in a serious relationship ever again. and thats not coming from any bitterness, but with this generations mindset on love and sex, theres no hope for people who dont already have someone. if you meet someone at a party and hook up with them, thats all its going to be. theres a small possibility that they might want something more out of it, but i'd like to see that happen to myself before i believe it actually does happen. what drives people to want only a physical relationship? i believe its mostly the fear of being hurt, because ones feelings arent usually expressed in a physical relationship. Although I'm sure theres the times that the sex is really good and an "i love you" can slip here and there. but what is anyone looking for anymore? as twisted as this sounds, i had it engraved in my mind that only the attractive, thin girls can have a relationship with someone. but this year in school made me see differently. so my theory was wrong, and i'm more confused than ever. what makes a guy want to be with a girl? personally i'd say i'm the best damn girlfriend one could have. granted, i'm not a thin, gorgeous girl, but if i was in a serious relationship i would never cheat on the person, i wouldn't nag them, i'd give them the space they needed when desired, i'd joke around, i'd be serious, i'd be caring, i'd be loving, i'd be anything that anyone would want in a girlfriend. so where is someone that wants that? or will it always come back to the physical apperance? lately i've had this huge desire to have a boyfriend who was bigger than usual, probably because every guy i've ever dated or hooked up with has been way skinner than me. i think the chubby-ish guys are adorable, and you wouldn't feel as self-conscious around them. this summer i'm planning on losing some weight and i'm wondering if this will have any effect on my getting-a-boyfriend. its been so long since i was in an actual relationship, i completely forget what its like. to be honest, i dont even know if its what i really want. i think id just like someone that i wont have to struggle to figure out half the time. someone who i wont be constantly worrying if theyre mad at me. and someone who i can just have fun with, but be serious with every now and then. jessie and i were talking in my car today on the way home from babysitting this brilliant little 7 year old about when life is going to start. to me, ive always thought going to college is when life starts. that is, if youre not attending BCC and living at home. or is it when you graduate college? get a real job? get married? have kids? retire? jessie might have been right when she said she thinks that all through life were going to be wondering when it starts. my biggest question is what's worth it? is it worth it to not tell people how we feel because were afraid of their reaction? shouldnt we just say fuck it because if we dont tell them we really will have no idea what the outcome is? id love to live my life like this, and i think i'm slowly becoming able to. basically i need to go rent a few seasons of Sex and the City and get inspired to write my own book, and possibly be inspired by Samantha Jone's "i'm only in it for the sex" attitude, so i can fit in with the rest of society by lying to myself?

Orbits new gum Sweet Mint is scrumptiously devine.

its quite comical to me how everyone assumes "Summer '05" is gonna be this blast and anymore unique than any other summer? Maybe to you freshman/sophomore bitches that none of us can really stand, but some of us to your face act like we're your best cutesy little friends, because you don't have to be struggling to find a job and find out who the hell you are, but for the rest of us who are living in reality, it's not gonna be any better than the rest. Actually, the summers I have had in the past are never going to be relived. It's time to wake up and smell the pessimism. Granted, I would love for this summer to be a barrel of great times, which I'm sure I'll have my share of fun, but all it's really going to be is wishing to go to a beach, wishing to have money, wishing to not go back to school, and wishing that you were younger so that the first thing on everyones mind isn't OMG LETS GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT. Sometimes I think i'm really about 35 years old. I'm so tired of this routine and feeling the way that I feel everyday. I try and work my ass off at brushing things off and trying to be happy, but it's fucking next to impossible with the people around here. Where are the people that are good influences? Where are the people that their lives dont revolve around partying and drinking? Where are the people that want to sit and talk about life and the crazy things that happen? Where are the people that are considerate of others feelings? Because I'm looking and I'm not finding many. This year was a piece of shit wrapped in an even bigger piece of shit with a topping of SHIT. I am no longer able to be myself around any of my so called friends, I'm actually afraid to. Everything I say is wrong, so excuse me for having an opinion. This whole entry will come back to bite me in the ass. Apparently, it's no longer interesting to have an open mind and an opinion. For awhile, I wasn't puking at the thought of maybe going to BCC for 2 years after graduation next year. But then this year happened. And I realized, there's no fucking way that I'm going to stay here and put on 2 more years of peoples shit. I'd much rather experience peoples shit elsewhere. That way, I'll know for sure or not if people are the same everywhere. But I need to find that out on my own. I dont want to go to college with any people that I know now. I'd much rather be a loner and realize that you do need people to survive. Whether it's TC3 which is only 45 minutes away, or a community college in NYC, or even my original plan of going somewhere in Florida but being different and actually doing something with my life down there, I'm out of here in a year and 2 months. I DONT CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. As long as I can somehow say I didn't lower my standards to a piece of shit by staying here, I'll be a little bit more sane. And I'm not saying every single person in this town is horrible, because there are about a little more than a handful of people that I care about and love, but it's not worth it. I've gone completely and totally out of my mind this year. I have no idea who I am anymore, which I know is a part of growing up, but it's terrifying. I miss who I used to be so much. Someone who didn't have to be told that they are liked better now that they are chemically altered after experiencing who I was for most of this year. I dont see any difference from the medicine, but apparently some of the people who matter do. I just want to make myself happy for once. I want to know what it's like to be genuinley happy for an entire day. None of this is a cry for attention, I'm being completely legit. I know that people in the world have much worse things happening to them, but I'm not them. I'm unfortunatly me and I'm going through what I know as a shitty life. I am aware of the fact that I have a house, food and a car, but i'm looking for more than that. Sanity is what I believe they call it. And if it's on sale somewhere, someone let me know.

funniest trip ever. trina+long drives+beach+pot+AUSTIN. =my times in florida. i fucking love eric and jarod.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release memory seeps from my veins let me be empty oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there so tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting you keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference escaping one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees RIP Bryan.. one of the most genuine people i've ever known.