what ARE people. if you just stop and think about it, what is anything? what is life? what is a computer? what is a person? when you think about the entire world as a whole, why are any of us afraid to be ourselves and say whats on our mind? i dont think ill ever be in a serious relationship ever again. and thats not coming from any bitterness, but with this generations mindset on love and sex, theres no hope for people who dont already have someone. if you meet someone at a party and hook up with them, thats all its going to be. theres a small possibility that they might want something more out of it, but i'd like to see that happen to myself before i believe it actually does happen. what drives people to want only a physical relationship? i believe its mostly the fear of being hurt, because ones feelings arent usually expressed in a physical relationship. Although I'm sure theres the times that the sex is really good and an "i love you" can slip here and there. but what is anyone looking for anymore? as twisted as this sounds, i had it engraved in my mind that only the attractive, thin girls can have a relationship with someone. but this year in school made me see differently. so my theory was wrong, and i'm more confused than ever. what makes a guy want to be with a girl? personally i'd say i'm the best damn girlfriend one could have. granted, i'm not a thin, gorgeous girl, but if i was in a serious relationship i would never cheat on the person, i wouldn't nag them, i'd give them the space they needed when desired, i'd joke around, i'd be serious, i'd be caring, i'd be loving, i'd be anything that anyone would want in a girlfriend. so where is someone that wants that? or will it always come back to the physical apperance? lately i've had this huge desire to have a boyfriend who was bigger than usual, probably because every guy i've ever dated or hooked up with has been way skinner than me. i think the chubby-ish guys are adorable, and you wouldn't feel as self-conscious around them. this summer i'm planning on losing some weight and i'm wondering if this will have any effect on my getting-a-boyfriend. its been so long since i was in an actual relationship, i completely forget what its like. to be honest, i dont even know if its what i really want. i think id just like someone that i wont have to struggle to figure out half the time. someone who i wont be constantly worrying if theyre mad at me. and someone who i can just have fun with, but be serious with every now and then. jessie and i were talking in my car today on the way home from babysitting this brilliant little 7 year old about when life is going to start. to me, ive always thought going to college is when life starts. that is, if youre not attending BCC and living at home. or is it when you graduate college? get a real job? get married? have kids? retire? jessie might have been right when she said she thinks that all through life were going to be wondering when it starts. my biggest question is what's worth it? is it worth it to not tell people how we feel because were afraid of their reaction? shouldnt we just say fuck it because if we dont tell them we really will have no idea what the outcome is? id love to live my life like this, and i think i'm slowly becoming able to. basically i need to go rent a few seasons of Sex and the City and get inspired to write my own book, and possibly be inspired by Samantha Jone's "i'm only in it for the sex" attitude, so i can fit in with the rest of society by lying to myself?