its quite comical to me how everyone assumes "Summer '05" is gonna be this blast and anymore unique than any other summer? Maybe to you freshman/sophomore bitches that none of us can really stand, but some of us to your face act like we're your best cutesy little friends, because you don't have to be struggling to find a job and find out who the hell you are, but for the rest of us who are living in reality, it's not gonna be any better than the rest. Actually, the summers I have had in the past are never going to be relived. It's time to wake up and smell the pessimism. Granted, I would love for this summer to be a barrel of great times, which I'm sure I'll have my share of fun, but all it's really going to be is wishing to go to a beach, wishing to have money, wishing to not go back to school, and wishing that you were younger so that the first thing on everyones mind isn't OMG LETS GET DRUNK EVERY NIGHT. Sometimes I think i'm really about 35 years old. I'm so tired of this routine and feeling the way that I feel everyday. I try and work my ass off at brushing things off and trying to be happy, but it's fucking next to impossible with the people around here. Where are the people that are good influences? Where are the people that their lives dont revolve around partying and drinking? Where are the people that want to sit and talk about life and the crazy things that happen? Where are the people that are considerate of others feelings? Because I'm looking and I'm not finding many. This year was a piece of shit wrapped in an even bigger piece of shit with a topping of SHIT. I am no longer able to be myself around any of my so called friends, I'm actually afraid to. Everything I say is wrong, so excuse me for having an opinion. This whole entry will come back to bite me in the ass. Apparently, it's no longer interesting to have an open mind and an opinion. For awhile, I wasn't puking at the thought of maybe going to BCC for 2 years after graduation next year. But then this year happened. And I realized, there's no fucking way that I'm going to stay here and put on 2 more years of peoples shit. I'd much rather experience peoples shit elsewhere. That way, I'll know for sure or not if people are the same everywhere. But I need to find that out on my own. I dont want to go to college with any people that I know now. I'd much rather be a loner and realize that you do need people to survive. Whether it's TC3 which is only 45 minutes away, or a community college in NYC, or even my original plan of going somewhere in Florida but being different and actually doing something with my life down there, I'm out of here in a year and 2 months. I DONT CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. As long as I can somehow say I didn't lower my standards to a piece of shit by staying here, I'll be a little bit more sane. And I'm not saying every single person in this town is horrible, because there are about a little more than a handful of people that I care about and love, but it's not worth it. I've gone completely and totally out of my mind this year. I have no idea who I am anymore, which I know is a part of growing up, but it's terrifying. I miss who I used to be so much. Someone who didn't have to be told that they are liked better now that they are chemically altered after experiencing who I was for most of this year. I dont see any difference from the medicine, but apparently some of the people who matter do. I just want to make myself happy for once. I want to know what it's like to be genuinley happy for an entire day. None of this is a cry for attention, I'm being completely legit. I know that people in the world have much worse things happening to them, but I'm not them. I'm unfortunatly me and I'm going through what I know as a shitty life. I am aware of the fact that I have a house, food and a car, but i'm looking for more than that. Sanity is what I believe they call it. And if it's on sale somewhere, someone let me know.