So...life has been splendiforous lately. I don't know if that's spelled correctly or if it's even a word, but oh well. My days have been occupied by photography, music, sleeping, my best friend Megan, and my boy. (Especially afternoons without the parents home...oh oh!) And fall break is next week and I'm oh-so-very excited. Suhweeeet!

Geez, this boy gives me mood swings. It's like if he touches my shoulder, I'm ecstatic. If he doesn't talk to me for a while, I get upset. But overall, he rocks. Since school started late today, some people came over for breakfast and he brought me coffee from Starbucks. :) And he took me home, even though I live completely out of the way. And he spends all his freetime hanging out with me. I just wish I didn't have to second-guess his every move.

I hate being shy. All my life I've been shy, and I'm sick of it. Granted, I've made progress. Huge progress. But by normal standards, I'm still a terribly quiet girl. If I wasn't shy, I would have carried on a great conversation with the boy at the record store about new music, shows, etc. But the most I could manage was to look him in the eye and say 'Thank you' as I was leaving. I smiled at him. That was the greatest indication I could give him in a pathetic attempt to say 'Hey. I like you.' I want to be un-shy. Just for a day, to know what it's like to go after the things you truly want.

well, this day kind of sucked. aside from all my physical aches and pains, i still can't talk to the Sex God. today was the first day back at school after break, which meant photography class, which meant the SG. i vowed to myself that i would talk to him, ask him about his choir trip to NYC, keep up a conversation. but my day sucked before it even began, so i wasn't really in the mood to pathetically try to talk/flirt with him. so i sat at my desk, doing my homework like a freakin loser, while he's hanging out in the back with the cool kids i wish i had the guts to talk to and be friends with. why am i so freaking shy? the world would be so much easier to face if i had guts and was outgoing and could just talk to people with no problem. growl. i need a boy who will come talk to me first. and then i can go from there. just deliver me a hot, sexy, kind, outgoing guy who will make the first move. that's all i need. [keep wishing]

HOT DAMN.

love fucking hurts.

and so, after seven long, beautiful months, he ends it. after he promised not to break my heart only a few weeks before. i feel betrayed. i feel lied to. i feel used. but most of all i feel broken-hearted. i truly loved him. of that i'm sure. and it's hard to know that he once loved me too. i mean, really loved me. but that's all gone, while i'm left with a heavy heart and a longing to call him and tell him about my day. men suck.

i'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home but i know it's too late; i should have given you a reason to stay. given you a reason to stay. fuccckk this hurts.

i never use this thing anymore. i wish my boyfriend didn't work 3248734 hours every week. but prom is next week....fun? i don't know. we'll see. but on the plus side, the margot and the nuclear so and so's show is tomorrow night in broad ripple and i am PSYCHED. PLUS our new APUSH/Eng. Lit class just assigned us a 60s project, in which my group has gotten the music/literature section. can i get a nico/velvet underground/jim morrison/jack kerouac shout out? heck yes. i miss you.

absence makes the heart grow weaker.

alright, enough already. you can come back. it's ok. we get it. you can't block out everybody forever.

let's get outta here.

He listens to gangstas who get crunk. (Did I even spell that right?) I listen to boys with shaggy hair and acoustic guitars. (A la Conor Oberst) His ideal pizza is the Meat Lover's. Mine is Vegetarian Delight. His passion is football. I'm scared of having balls thrown at me. He likes to live out loud. I like to live quietly. He likes major-production movies with big actors. I like low-budget indie flicks. Yet somehow, he's the best thing in the world for me. <3

Mmmmm.....food. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Why the crap am I jealous? I'm thinking I got myself in way too deep and I'm so afraid he doesn't feel the same and will just pull out. I mean, when he's spending nights with other girls and not telling me about it, why shouldn't he pull out? I don't want to be a posessive girlfriend. I really don't. We just don't really talk a whole lot and I'm not positive where he stands. I don't want to be jealous. I don't think I've ever liked a guy this much.

Tonight was great. I smell of bonfire smoke and taste like pita bread and hummus. My boyfriend sings his awful hip-hop/r&b music in my ear and I find it excessively adorable. His whole family also seems to love me, which is a definite plus. But I'm a disgrace of a German for not eating meat. -324895 brownie points for moi. But oh well, you can't win 'em all, eh? This night's a perfect shade of dark blue.

I'm so glad it's October. I love fiery red leaves and apple cider and bonfires and sweatshirts and taking pictures of the trees. I have also recently fallen in love with poetry [again], especially my man e.e. cummings. He basically owns my soul. Hopes of becoming a great photographer and dreams of spending the summer in Germany are also filling my mind. Along with AP tests and bad Physics grades. And oh yeah, there's a boy thrown in the mess too. If only my emotions didn't change like, every minute. If you don't like being hurt, then please don't stay. Maybe I'm a commitment phobe? Or I just love the chace. Either way, I feel sorry for the guy.

I think I've fallen in love with Elliott Smith. Oh and hey, opposites really do attract. Me + A Hip-Hop listening football player? I couldn't care less about sports and the only rap I'll listen to is Beck. But somehow, it works. It works really well. Ohhhhh man. This is good. ♥

Well. I've got that feeling again. The one where your hands start shaking, and your heart is pounding right before you walk into the door. The one where you spend hours choosing an outfit and doing your hair and makeup to make sure you catch his eye. The one where all you want is for him to put his arm around your shoulder again. The one where you can't stop smiling and your mom asks why you're so freaking upbeat. The one where you actually can't wait to go back to Pre-Calculus, just so you can hang out with him. Yeah, that one. It's nice.

Well. I've got that feeling again. The one where your hands start shaking, and your heart is pounding right before you walk into the door. The one where you spend hours choosing an outfit and doing your hair and makeup to make sure you catch his eye. The one where all you want is for him to put his arm around your shoulder again. The one where you can't stop smiling and your mom asks why you're so freaking upbeat. The one where you actually can't wait to go back to Pre-Calculus, just so you can hang out with him. Yeah, that one. It's nice.