I feel like I should update this, but I don't even know where to begin.. so R came up to visit as scheduled, and as predicted, basically threw himself at me. I got the full-fledged "I know I messed up before and that I'm dating someone at my school in upstate NY that's 3 1/2 hours away, but I see a side of you now that I didn't before, and I miss you, and I want to be with you." I realy had no idea what I was going to do before this actually happened. And then I did a strange thing. For the first time in my relationship history with R, I turned him down. That's right, I said no. For all the right reasons. Afterward I felt horrible and he was really upset and all, but I know it's what I had to do. I'm not saying we're not ever going to be together. I'm just saying that I'm not so sure I'm the person for him right now. Which brings me to be other constant dilemma, C. C, the one that got away, literally. We broke it off when I went off to school in August- his idea and wishes, not mine. He's still in high school (a senior) and was afraid I'd get here and never see him, or worse, meet someone else, so he decided to end it and spare himself the emotional heartache later. I think. Well, first semester ends next week, with final exams the week after. And, while I've only talked to C once since we broke up- in person at a football game back in September at our high school- I haven't really met anyone here that I'm interested in. Or that's interested in me. Except Scott, which is an automatic no because he's really just not my type and we don't have any connection at all. And there was the Alex thing, but that was more him trying to get in my pants, quite frankly. So yeah. As for the not seeing him excuse? I've been home pretty much every other weekend. Except I'm not coming home in between Thanksgiving and Christmas because there's only 3 weeks, and I have a TON of work to do and a bunch of weekend dance performances I have to be in. So there was basically no reason for us to break up, if that was his only reasoning. He said there wasn't another girl, and that he didn't want to date anyone else. So far, he's been right- he hasn't dated anyone else, even casually. So maybe, if there's no reason.. I should talk to him? I don't know. Some days, like today, for example, I REALLY want to be with him. I wake up after pretty shitty dreams and think, "My God, I've lost the only person who ever really meant anything to me and I've got to get him back before I forget that." It literally HURTS to not be with him on days like today. I miss it. Not just having a boyfriend. I miss HIM. I keep having random flashbacks of things I forgot. Like how last Christmas he gave me a HUGE wrapped present, which ended up being a box inside a box about 15 times, weighted down with rocks to confuse me, just for fun, and the last box was a jewelry box and a not. Or how he gave me his sweatshirt at mini golf one night, or sat with me and rubbed my back in the summertime at camp when I got overheated and couldn't breathe. How he never let me open my own car door once. How up until the last day we dated, a year and 2 months later, he still gave me butterflies when I was with him or thought about him. He's just always been there for me. And now, I just get a sick, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Other days, I feel like maybe it's best we never talk again. I think that's one of my issues. We were so close for so long, and then all of a sudden, I've had no contact with him for, well, it'll be 4 months a week from today, actually. We're not even friends, or civil. It really just sucks. So when he's online now, I just stare at his screenname, wondering if I should IM him. Say something. But what would I say?.. And what if he didn't answer me? That's why I stopped trying to contact him in the first place, because he wouldn't return calls, emails, IMs, or anything. I'm just so afraid of losing him forever. I never thought this would happen. Like with R, even WE manage to still be friends through it all.. although right now we're not speaking. He basically thinks I'm crazy because I'm not over C yet and that I need "more help than he can give me"...which makes me feel like A) a loser and B) like maybe I really AM crazy. I am such a basketcase. Who's going to want me now? Has anyone ever really? And when did I get so dependent on other people? I used to be so independent... Comment if you actually read that. Hah!

OK. So I realllllllly don't want to think about my last entry anymore because it seems to be taking over my life lately..so I want to tell you random sitd kids about something happy that happened last week. MMkay? Alright. Deal. Here we go. I had my first semi-encounter with guitar boy that lives below me last week. I was in my dorm with the roomies late one night, just hanging around, probably around 11:30 or 12 at night. I was sitting at my desk, which is right next to the air vent and in front of the window- the 2 ways which filter up sound from downstairs. Guitar boy started playing-- a nightly occurrence which always makes me smile. He wasn't playing any song in particular. But it was especially good that night..he just seemed to hit all the right chords. I was feeling on the adventurous side that night. The roomies were hard at work and I had nothing to do but be secretly serenaded by anonymous guitar boy. So I stole equestrian roomie's post-it notes and jot down a short note in blue marker: "nice guitar playing...do you know any green day? =) ~a 219 girl" ..because green day is usually a safe bet- someone usually likes their old or new stuff, or both, and they're obvously very guitar-oriented.. but anyway. i took said post-it note and walked down the hallway to the stairwell. hopped down the stairs and peered my head out of the door at the bottom to make sure the hallway was clear. once i was certain of my anonymity, i tiptoed down guitar boy's hallway to 119. the door was partially open, but i couldn't see inside. i carefully stuck the note on guitar boy's door and tiptoed back upstairs. mission accomplished. not 10 or 15 minutes later, guitar boy strung an awesome version of "when i come around." i smiled as big as i had all week.

Ok. R, from previous entries (including the last one)... informed me on Friday night that he likes me again. I am flabbergasted. I have no idea what I feel There are a million and seven and a half reasons why this would not work out: -When we dated sophomore year of highschool, it was a mess and basically was horrible -He's a controlling kind of boyfriend -He gets very attached and clingy very easily -He's at college 3 1/2 hours away from mine -He has a girlfriend at his college -I think he may just THINK he likes me, but just misses having me around as a friend and is confused -I also think he just views me as "safe" -There is a possibility that he wants to have sex..which I don't -I don't even know if I like him or just the IDEA of him -It would be insanely hard to manage -It would kill all chances I have of getting back with C at some point, which is still completely up in the air -It might hinder me getting to know more people at my school because I'm tied down to him and he's far away -I sort of want to date someone at my school or around my school so I can actually see them and have a stronger relationship -We both just got out of over-a-year relationships since this summer and are probably really vulnerable and reboundish..at least I think I might be -All my friends would be extremely disappointed in me for going back out with him -My family doesn't know we ever dated but they do know he used to like me, and Mom is convinced he has all along, but they're very wary of him and don't really approve.. However.. there are a few positives: -He has changed. -I sort of know what to expect, so I wouldn't be caught very offguard with anything, which is safe but in a good way -I always wondered what would happen if we ever got back together or if he ever liked me again. Now I have the chance to find out. -I really kind of want to kiss him. PS- He's coming here on Friday for the day/night to hang out since he's home for the weekend. I have absolutely NO idea what to do or what is going to happen. I'm actually scared. Thinking about it makes me so nervous I get sick to my stomach. How am I going to handle this??... Please leave me some advice!...

Okay. So I'm finding myself needing to say some stuff that I have nowhere else to say it, and then I remember I have this journal now, so here we go. Remember R, from earlier entries? Well, I was talking to him the other day. His ex, the one he dated after me, and him just got into a fight because "he's changed since college because he drinks and has sex." And he said this like I knew it already. Which I guess I kind of did.. I knew he drank, okay. I didn't know about the sex part, though. I never slept with him. I'm a virgin. Yeah, I said it. The "v" word. I am. I'm not really ashamed of it. I'm waiting for the right person. But I respect anyone who's not-- I mean, I'm not a prude or anything like that. So I heard rumors a few months ago that he slept with this ex he fought with, which I guess I now know is true. But now he's having sex with all these girls at college? Where did this come from? I never saw him turning into that kind of guy, but I guess I should have. He used to talk about how he was the guy that didn't want to get into a girl's pants all the time, and just wanted something real. I guess that was a lie. So then I started thinking. Is that the only reason he's being friendly with me again? So that when we hang out next time, I feel close to him? So he can manuever his way back in, and make it seem not-so-random when he tries to kiss me, fool around with me, do...whatever...with me? Is he planning it all out? It's especially worrying me because whenever we talk online now, he's all "I miss you, I love you" blah blah-ish. And now he wants to come spend the night at my dorm in 2 weekends. What do I say to that? How do I tell me parents that? That my ex boyfirned (who they never knew I even dated!, btu that they know liked me [and mom still thinks he does]) is going to come up and sleep in my room with no adults or anything for a weekend, just him and me? I feel 5 years old based on that last little part. But I'm afraid. Maybe not even of what he'll do. But of how I'll react to it. How I'll respond. Or worse, what I'll do before he can. Oh no. Here we go again. If you read all that, or even part of it, leave a comment please...I really need it!!!

New revelation: I don't want to feel like this anymore. SO you know what? I'm not going to let myself. Anymore. No more feeling sorry for myself or wishing things ended differently. Only optimistic thoughts now. Things today just sort of, clicked. Around 6:00 tonight, actually. I was sitting online talking to a friend and to my roomie (verbally of course), and I was just like.. why am I doing this to myself? I should be HAPPY. Why aren't I? What reasons do I have not to be? So I rationalized everything: -My relationship didn't work. It can't be fixed. I accept it. It's supposed to be this way, I think. Him being a total a*shole is not my fault or my problem and it shouldn't be anymore. He's changed, he's different, he's not who he was, and that's not my fault, either. I refuse to let him have that kind of power over me anymore. There IS something better out there, and I WILL find it. But I'm in no rush. I like just being happy with me. Even if it's only been for an hour and a half or so. -My major can be changed. I looked into it, and it's ridiculously easy to do. I'm not even behind on any required major courses, since there are none for first-year students. I know what it is, on some level now, that I truly want to do with my life, and it's actually what I've wanted to do since I was very very little. What better path to follow than a childhood dream? Why not? It'll be fantastic. I can't wait to figure it all out. -I miss home and my friends terribly. But home is a 40-minute car ride away when I need it, and my friends, my real ones, the ones who have mattered all along, aren't going anywhere, because I know we'll stay in touch- so far, so good. I saw my two girls Sunday and it was wonderful. More of the same will follow, I'm sure. -I WILL teach myself to play that guitar. I may even ask the boy downstairs for a little assistance. Ending quote: "The end is coming, she don't even feel it. It's a strange sensation, I'm almost... happy."

I had something fantastic to write about in here. I literally had a moment today where I was like, "Wow, what a great writing topic for sitd- that's so exciting! I can't wait to go type it out." And you know what? Now, I have NO idea what it is. That disappoints me to no end. I'm itching to write and it's on the tip of my tongue, and I've got nothing. Sigh. Comment with something encouraging, if you read this! Anonymous & stranger comments more than welcome, since that's the only kind I'll get in a secret journal! =)

So I brought my acoustic Fender back up with me to school when I came back here from the weekend at home. I haven't touched it since July or August, mainly because it was my birthday gift from C, and I'm terrified that it will just bring back all those horrible emotions. He was supposed to be the one to teach me how to play, too. All I know how to play is a few notes & chords whose names I can't remember, and the opening of Adam's Song by Blink182, which perpetually reminds me of C. But I've decided that having this beautiful brand new amazing acoustic guitar is something I should take advantage of. I already know how to read music, which is a plus. Why not do something with it? I'd love to learn how to play REALLY well. Like Keith Urban, who I'm listening to now. Or Jack Johnson. That'd be fantastic. But right now, I just want to know the basics and be able to do it. I think in some strange way, it'll be part of the healing process, f getting some closure.. moving on, teaching myself, letting my fears and worries just drop around me, dissolving into nothingness like they should have long ago. Maybe I'll even find someone here on campus to help me learn. I could use some help to stop fumbling around with frets and strings so much. That's so weird to think about. Finding a new teacher. A replacement. That hurts SO much. Ironically, I think it's exactly what I need to do.

So. I feel like I need to write something, but I'm not sure what to write. I'm still totally torn up about C, the last guy in the last entry descriptions. I cannot bring myself to get over him- I don't think I ever will. I don't WANT to get over him. I just want HIM. I need to talk to him face-to-face. I think it's been a month today.. but I could be wrong. Nope- just checked the calendar- I'm totally right. OK. Happier thoughts. College = amazing. I am so happy to be here. I really think it's just what I need right now. It couldn't have come at a better time. I miss everyone, sure, but I think it's made me realize who really matters to me. Like, the people I miss a lot that I didn't think I would. Like R, for example. It makes me think a lot about who I want to keep in touch with. Who I want to see on school breaks. What I want to say to those people while I still can, before we're out in the real world and it may be too late. Wow. I feel like this whole entry is so.... poised, I guess. Like I feel like I'm supposed to be saying a lot of this. Except for that last paragraph- that was kind of real. Dammit, I need to stop sensoring myself. It's not like anyone here knows me anyways, so why do I still do it? Maybe I'm afraid of what I really have to say. Maybe I'm doing this for my own benefit. Writing, but only to a certain extent. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.. that's my goal I'd like to reach through this. The truth of me, to me, for me and no one else. We'll have to see how that one goes.

So week 2 of classes here at school starts up tomorrow. I'm still not totally used to it, but I like it. My roomies are really nice, our room is pretty sweet, and none of my professors seem to hard on us poor little freshmen. But I do miss home, and friends, a lot. I miss some people more than I thought I would. Like my best guy friend/ex-boyfriend, hereon known as R. R is far away at school too, and I didn't realize he still meant SO much to me until he was taken away. I always say he knows me better than everyone, and maybe he does. We've been through more together in 4 years than I thought humanly possible. I avoided saying goodbye to him properly until the day before he left, because I didn't know how I was going to do it. I miss his hugs the most, I think. I always seemed to fit just right in his arms.. I kissed him goodbye the last time I saw him. Which was at his going-away party. In front of a bunch of our friends-- I don't know who saw, and I don't really care, in retrospect. Was that a bad idea? We haven't talked about it, even though we still talk almost everyday on IM or through late-night phone calls.. The same sort of deal goes with H, my guy friend since we were like 5 years old, who, despite having several girlfriends on and off throughout middle school & high school & even now, is self-proclaimed in love with me. He's convinced that one day, even if far down the road, we'll be together. Me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. I love him, sure. But the same way he does? I don't know. I think he's more of a brother. I can cuddle with him on my couch and not worry about it meaning anything. I can let him see me with my morning hair or when I come in from a jog outside in all my sweaty splendor and not really care what might be running through his head. I do miss him, though. He's a big piece of me, because he's seen me through it all. He has my past, and a big piece of my heart. And then there's C, the guy who stole my heart for a year and 2 months and counting. We're on a break, leaning towards broken up right now, because of the whole college thing, but he means more to me than I could ever say. He was the first guy to really treat me right, and he's given me absolutely everything and more. I haven't talked to him once since the break happened-- despite numerous attempts to contact him, he never gets back to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts me. I am still crying on the inside every day; I can't be upset at home because my family will worry, and the same goes for here because of my roomies and new friends. It's tough to let go and make a new life here when I can't stop thinking about him. I don't even want to. All I want is to prove to him that we can make the distance work. Like, even if we only saw each other once a week, or every other week, to me, it would be more than worth it, because he literally is my everything. He compliments my persona so well, I can't even begin to tell you that either. The past few nights my dreams have been tortuous- I get back together with him in a dream within a dream, then wake up and disappoint myself. Then it happens in the first dream, and I wake up for real even mroe disappointed when I get a little more conscious and realize it wasn't ever real at all. Even just daydreaming, I can close my eyes and remember how he smells or tastes, and it's like he never left my side. Sometimes I wonder how I would ever cope if someone close to me passed away, because I can't even handle being apart from people or a break-up. A lot of my friends and other people are saying I'm better off without him, that something else is waiting for me. But I don't want to find anyone else. I only want him, and I'm convinced of that much. That's where my brain stops. I'll write more when my train of thought continues and stops running on replay.

Okay. So I needed a new place to write and get things out and heard about this site ..so here I am. No one knows I have this that I know personally, so I'm looking for totally foreign feedback and any & all comments. That's about it for now, I think! >>K