I feel like I should update this, but I don't even know where to begin.. so R came up to visit as scheduled, and as predicted, basically threw himself at me. I got the full-fledged "I know I messed up before and that I'm dating someone at my school in upstate NY that's 3 1/2 hours away, but I see a side of you now that I didn't before, and I miss you, and I want to be with you." I realy had no idea what I was going to do before this actually happened. And then I did a strange thing. For the first time in my relationship history with R, I turned him down. That's right, I said no. For all the right reasons. Afterward I felt horrible and he was really upset and all, but I know it's what I had to do. I'm not saying we're not ever going to be together. I'm just saying that I'm not so sure I'm the person for him right now. Which brings me to be other constant dilemma, C. C, the one that got away, literally. We broke it off when I went off to school in August- his idea and wishes, not mine. He's still in high school (a senior) and was afraid I'd get here and never see him, or worse, meet someone else, so he decided to end it and spare himself the emotional heartache later. I think. Well, first semester ends next week, with final exams the week after. And, while I've only talked to C once since we broke up- in person at a football game back in September at our high school- I haven't really met anyone here that I'm interested in. Or that's interested in me. Except Scott, which is an automatic no because he's really just not my type and we don't have any connection at all. And there was the Alex thing, but that was more him trying to get in my pants, quite frankly. So yeah. As for the not seeing him excuse? I've been home pretty much every other weekend. Except I'm not coming home in between Thanksgiving and Christmas because there's only 3 weeks, and I have a TON of work to do and a bunch of weekend dance performances I have to be in. So there was basically no reason for us to break up, if that was his only reasoning. He said there wasn't another girl, and that he didn't want to date anyone else. So far, he's been right- he hasn't dated anyone else, even casually. So maybe, if there's no reason.. I should talk to him? I don't know. Some days, like today, for example, I REALLY want to be with him. I wake up after pretty shitty dreams and think, "My God, I've lost the only person who ever really meant anything to me and I've got to get him back before I forget that." It literally HURTS to not be with him on days like today. I miss it. Not just having a boyfriend. I miss HIM. I keep having random flashbacks of things I forgot. Like how last Christmas he gave me a HUGE wrapped present, which ended up being a box inside a box about 15 times, weighted down with rocks to confuse me, just for fun, and the last box was a jewelry box and a not. Or how he gave me his sweatshirt at mini golf one night, or sat with me and rubbed my back in the summertime at camp when I got overheated and couldn't breathe. How he never let me open my own car door once. How up until the last day we dated, a year and 2 months later, he still gave me butterflies when I was with him or thought about him. He's just always been there for me. And now, I just get a sick, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Other days, I feel like maybe it's best we never talk again. I think that's one of my issues. We were so close for so long, and then all of a sudden, I've had no contact with him for, well, it'll be 4 months a week from today, actually. We're not even friends, or civil. It really just sucks. So when he's online now, I just stare at his screenname, wondering if I should IM him. Say something. But what would I say?.. And what if he didn't answer me? That's why I stopped trying to contact him in the first place, because he wouldn't return calls, emails, IMs, or anything. I'm just so afraid of losing him forever. I never thought this would happen. Like with R, even WE manage to still be friends through it all.. although right now we're not speaking. He basically thinks I'm crazy because I'm not over C yet and that I need "more help than he can give me"...which makes me feel like A) a loser and B) like maybe I really AM crazy. I am such a basketcase. Who's going to want me now? Has anyone ever really? And when did I get so dependent on other people? I used to be so independent... Comment if you actually read that. Hah!