So week 2 of classes here at school starts up tomorrow. I'm still not totally used to it, but I like it. My roomies are really nice, our room is pretty sweet, and none of my professors seem to hard on us poor little freshmen. But I do miss home, and friends, a lot. I miss some people more than I thought I would. Like my best guy friend/ex-boyfriend, hereon known as R. R is far away at school too, and I didn't realize he still meant SO much to me until he was taken away. I always say he knows me better than everyone, and maybe he does. We've been through more together in 4 years than I thought humanly possible. I avoided saying goodbye to him properly until the day before he left, because I didn't know how I was going to do it. I miss his hugs the most, I think. I always seemed to fit just right in his arms.. I kissed him goodbye the last time I saw him. Which was at his going-away party. In front of a bunch of our friends-- I don't know who saw, and I don't really care, in retrospect. Was that a bad idea? We haven't talked about it, even though we still talk almost everyday on IM or through late-night phone calls.. The same sort of deal goes with H, my guy friend since we were like 5 years old, who, despite having several girlfriends on and off throughout middle school & high school & even now, is self-proclaimed in love with me. He's convinced that one day, even if far down the road, we'll be together. Me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. I love him, sure. But the same way he does? I don't know. I think he's more of a brother. I can cuddle with him on my couch and not worry about it meaning anything. I can let him see me with my morning hair or when I come in from a jog outside in all my sweaty splendor and not really care what might be running through his head. I do miss him, though. He's a big piece of me, because he's seen me through it all. He has my past, and a big piece of my heart. And then there's C, the guy who stole my heart for a year and 2 months and counting. We're on a break, leaning towards broken up right now, because of the whole college thing, but he means more to me than I could ever say. He was the first guy to really treat me right, and he's given me absolutely everything and more. I haven't talked to him once since the break happened-- despite numerous attempts to contact him, he never gets back to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurts me. I am still crying on the inside every day; I can't be upset at home because my family will worry, and the same goes for here because of my roomies and new friends. It's tough to let go and make a new life here when I can't stop thinking about him. I don't even want to. All I want is to prove to him that we can make the distance work. Like, even if we only saw each other once a week, or every other week, to me, it would be more than worth it, because he literally is my everything. He compliments my persona so well, I can't even begin to tell you that either. The past few nights my dreams have been tortuous- I get back together with him in a dream within a dream, then wake up and disappoint myself. Then it happens in the first dream, and I wake up for real even mroe disappointed when I get a little more conscious and realize it wasn't ever real at all. Even just daydreaming, I can close my eyes and remember how he smells or tastes, and it's like he never left my side. Sometimes I wonder how I would ever cope if someone close to me passed away, because I can't even handle being apart from people or a break-up. A lot of my friends and other people are saying I'm better off without him, that something else is waiting for me. But I don't want to find anyone else. I only want him, and I'm convinced of that much. That's where my brain stops. I'll write more when my train of thought continues and stops running on replay.