Running from my past that happens to be my future. There he is standing right in front of me and is everything that I love dearly and yet why does the other side seem so empty. Have I said too much or maybe its my touch. Instead of my touch being soft and comforting, its itchy and annoying. I sit with a cut in half soul and today he is the tin man, for he is hallow and needs to find his heart. Because his heart is what warms him and is what puts my soul back together.

When its all to good to be true then is it? When you're scared of stepping foward, do you not step. But if you don't step and it fades then you lose either way. Is it better to let it all go and just know you had something good, even though it could possibly be better. But what if it wasn't better and it all blew up in your face, and everything was gone and never the same. Are all good things meant to come to an end? Is it all crashing down in front of my face because i hestiated when i should have leaped? I saw light and change, but to scared of screwing it up, so i ran for the little bit of darkness that has slowly become my home. To comfortable to leave, to scared of the unknown, slowly wanting more light but not knowing if i can have it. So i will always be in the darkness, as i watch the light slowly fade from my view, the only thing that gave me hope, is no longer what i used to call my glue. So i remain all the same, knowing that life could have been great but now i just sit and wave as it slowly walks away. The passion, the love, the hope and the faith are all the things the seem to fade, The empty nothingness spread through and through, and all seems dark because i let something pass by that was to good to be true.

Wishing to be numb, wishing to forget, wishing to never have known at all. It all sounds great, but thats all it will ever be. Something that sounds great but its to good to be true, so really i should have never even bothered to wish at all. When you're young and still learning to color in the lines and tie your shoes...you are completely oblivious to the kind of pain that love can bright. Or how it can cloud your vision and make it hard to do what you needed to do. When you're that young the wish you make are for a really cool toy. I wish that all i had on my mind was something that simple, at least there is a chance with that coming true.

Unbearable Pain...the kind of pain where you know your heart is bleeding and you can swear that you can feel every drop as it leaks out. A constant pain that remains in your chest even when your not thinking about what bothers you. When will it go away? Is the number one question that sits in the back of your mind as you try to fake happiness and choke down the greatly painful memories. How long is it suppose to take for someone to get over a past love? I'm seriously messed up and the even more messed up part is i was the one that broke up with him and he is better off then me, i'm convinced this is what he wanted, cause he isn't fighting for our relationship and he seems perfectly happy. Acts speak louder then words and he doesn't say much. I asked if there was any hidden pain, and if what i was seeing was some kind of mask and well its not. The truth is right in front of my face and that is that he has moved on. I just wish i didn't care and could move on that fast. It would be nice to not have this constant pain deep in my chest. I would do anything in the world just to have what used to be but since that isn't possible and is never going to happen, i'm trying with everything i got just to get over it. I'm training myself not to think. I'm reminding myself just to breath. I'm forcing myself just to eat. I stay up late just so i can fall asleep I'm keeping myself busy and trying to live as i run on energy that doesn't exist. And while I wear a mask that makes me laugh and smile, in the back of my mind i wonder which will come first? True happiness or me collasping in the floor. My body cant run like this forever so i'm hoping this pain in my heart will disappear and happiness will follow shortly after.

He loves me...He loves me not.Hmmm..he loves me but not as much as i love him. What do you do, when you know you love someone way more then they could possibly ever love you. And once your gone realizes that your everything they want but they don't treat you the same when you are with them. Now some people would stay with someone even if they loved them more, only because they loved them so much. But some might also say if he doesn't love you as much, then leave him, you need someone that will love you just as much as you love them. Which is true no one deserves less then they are handing out. Treat people the way that you want to be treated. Was a quote i heard my whole chidhood. Okay, so i treat everyone the way i want to be treated and in return, there are very few people that follow this method that i know. So how i am suppose to go through the day knowing that the person i'm with doesn't think about me, like i think about them, doesn't treat me like i treat them,and thinks that everything in the relationship is perfectly great and nothing is wrong. Because they don't take your words and thoughts seriously. And somehow, i can't say no, and i can't give up. So this is why i remain the cute little poppet stuck on the shelf with twisted strings, cause when i speak, its like i never spoke at all.

Pain is something we hide from. We run toward the light to feel warmth. We stay out of the cold and don't let the shadows touch our feet. We run in all directions when the sun goes down. To hide from all the darkness. Pain, anger, depression...no one wants to feel these things and yet so many people have. Were they not fast enough, did they fall asleep in the sun and the darkness crept up on them in their sleep. Or simply did they face the shadows knowing there were no other choices. We go through pain, to grow stronger and learn to counter act the worse for the next time. But why must we go through terrible things to know that siren things are wrong or that you can't trust someone. Must we suffer in our lives to find true happiness. Must we be challenge to face terrible things, just to see the real true uglyness of the world. Our harsh cruel world, no simpathy, no feeling and no mercy. So beautiful and yet so ugly. The whole world has this mask that it puts on. You are brought into the world without a care in the world and don't know differently until you are told or seen otherwise. Why can't it be wonderful, why can't people just except things the way they are? Why do we have terrible people, they are the ones that have cause our world to be shit, and ugly. Bitter and unkind. I hate people who our fake to fit into this cruel world, if people don't like you the way you are then they aren't worth your time. Don't try to fit in a world of shit and change your greatness and become a nothing. I hate twisted messed up people that find joy in bringing people pain, they deserve to have everything that they have ever done to a poor innocent soul times ten done to them. People who have hurt people mentally and physically, who may have been a strong and hopefully person, are now distoryed because of evilness. I love the true beauty this world holds, but who i truly hate is the people that have changed our world and made it the way it is today and that is fuck to hell. Hell is on earth, their is no question about it. Honestly if you think differently then you need to look at everything that has been happening to the people and our world. Its terrible but true, and no matter what we do, no matter how much peace is brought to this world there will always be someone willing to fuck that up over selfishness greed. Fuck those people, Fuck the people that start war, Fuck the people that hurt others, Fuck all those people cause they only think about themselves. Hate is such a strong word, but its perfect for these people and i don't say hate unless i truly mean it...and i do with every last inch of soul.They have brought hell to earth, and in my book their is no forgiveness after that!

Normally i see in color,but today i see in shades of gray. The world spins and everything becomes a blur. My eyes are glazed over with the overwhelmingness of not being able to see objects. I wonder why the world is such a horrible place and yet can hold tiny bits of beauty around every corner. My thoughts have consumed me entirely and the walls around me seem to be caving in. Suddenly everything turns to black. Its cold and painful. And all i'm left with is the thought of wanting to be numb. I don't want to think about the pain and how cold i feel without someone next to me. You are there, i know you are. Please be the light and save me, like you once did so long ago. I need you to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. For i want nothing to do with this world or the pain it brings. I live in my own world and if you don't want to fade to a shade gray, then i suggest you better grab hold, before you lose me in the darkness, and are left to sit in a pool of bitterness and untolerable pain you created.

Words of my puppet master: Dear little puppet, You are mine and only mine. Now you are special because you will have a heart and will be different as well as smart. oh this will be grand and mervious you see. Because you are special, Special to me. A master piece, a real work of art. Now for you to stay by my side, i will give you some strings so your walk is more of a glide. Your the cutest thing to be in my show, people will love you, its a sure thing i know. So Puppet,Puppet dance for me, Dance dance and you will be free. Words of the Puppet: Master your great and then sometimes your not. I love you so i will give you all i got. Master i have a problem, my strings are a knot. And the lights from the stage are getting quiet hot. Please help me, i need you to fix this so i can feel better. I can't perform well if i'm so under the weather. Master, Master come back to me, I really need you to help, please hear my plea. Master are you there these strings are starting to hurt. I was hoping you were but i guess not. So i guess i'm going to have to sleep in pain, and that is how i will remain. Until you remember that this puppet is special and has a name.

What if you could see what was going to happen? Not Only could you see it happening you could feel it coming. All arrows pointed in that direction. There is nothing you can do to stop it. You want to with every ounce of energy you have left in your body...but you aren't strong enough to stop the inevitable, no one is. Your thoughts drift because you don't want to you see the truth or what is coming. Your slowly losing the one you love so much and you know that you have to let them go, because when you truly love someone you have to let them go and if they truly love you they will return. But what if they don't return, what if they like life better off without you. Then you have to face the world alone and embrace the pain and try not to let your heart die out and waste away. The tears that will be shed will be filled with all of your hope and when your done, you will hate everything around you, all you will have left is those tears which are now nothing but hope dried up to the point as if it was never there. I hate knowing, i don't want to know, see or feel, but i can. And i have to live with my thoughts and hope that i will be strong enough to even get out of bed when the time comes.I can't stop or change this fait, cause if i fight it when the time comes then i will slowly die from the inside out and i will be an empty soul.

How is it you can be with someone and yet feel so alone? I stare at the ceiling sometimes hoping i will find answers to that question as pretend my fan is spinning. You say relationships aren't just about the affection, well its at least 50 percent. When i approach you with my problems, my body loses all control as i dread and become scare of what you might say. I shake to an extreme and can't help but cry. You think i over react, but i just can't help it. I want to feel loved in everyway possible. I know i don't ask much but you make me feel like i ask the world. You look at me with the blank expressionless face. And yet i want you to react in someway different then shutting me out. You sit there as the day goes by in your own little peter pan world, not caring about anything serious, and sometimes i wonder if you ever care if you might lose me. but i don't think you do, cause you act like you have me wrapped around your finger and i suppose you do. And part of me hates that. I love you more than you could possibly ever love me, whether you want to admit it. Its okay though, cause you don't have to cause i know. Being around you calms me but yet sometimes just being there isn' enough, you have to show me you care and well you do and you dont. You have changed in little ways for me that i appreciate and anytime you ever kiss me and wrap your arms around me, the biggest smile comes across my face. if you give me nothing else in life but just held me and never let go, i would be content. But you don't. i do everything in the world for you, too much really and sometimes the way you act when i ask something of you...well it hurts more then you could possibly imagine. You say i'm an intense person and that the problems i have, other people wouldn't and it wouldn't be like this with other people, and you say you know tons of people that would never date me and only see me as a piece of ass, but i would never date those people anyway,so i just sit there looking at you. i don't care what other people think of me, but what you think matters and you make me feel like sometimes you really don't think much of me. I can't trust you anymore, because you broke me in ways, i'm ashamed of myself to say you have done, and my heart is weak and bleeding from were you stabbed me. The pain i feel about this, i learned to block out, but when i truly think of what you did, it hurts in ways i can't describe. My lungs close up and i can not longer speak. The only thing that breaks the surface is tears the feel like acid.