As i look back over the past year i've been writing on here i see how much pain i've endured and how much time i spent hurting.. it is true, i could have stopped it, but then again i really couldn't.. That aside, what i saw in my writing and my art from the past year, is that my most beautiful peices of me were brought out by her, whether by pain or pleasure. Her engagement really hdelped me let go. Closure is coming full circle.. I'm at that moment, at the threshold of where i can let her go or dive back in. I'm letting it close for good, but i keep looking back.. I think i just need love to survive. I realize that even by hurting i could still feel her love. i just need new love, new life, i need to have more fairytales and less realities. I need feeling for my heart will never be whole again, this i can't change, but i know it can be good again. I know life is beautiful, i just need to open my eyes.

She is engaged, we wre best friends not so long ago.. now she doesn't tell me this? I have to hear from some random person in my life that my ex fiance is marrying another guy.. In january we cried And she said come back In march i asked to see her She said she'd like that I drove all night we held each other and shook In may I came to see her but she said maybe sunday I saw her and fell apart She cried and told me she loves him I told her i was terrified to leave She said it would be lonesome We kissed and I drove away But she didn't cry.

I could see them coming first i hid but they found me i tried to close my eyes and imagine but they tore at my heart and my imagination turned to insanity they come less often sometimes they know there is little left i faught them once upon a time but when i saw them coming for me tonight i embraced them and let them destroy me i only feel a dull ache but standing seems painful they are in those eyes in the mirror they taunt me and torture me but they are my comfort for they stay and they remember and as long as they come i can never forget

I'vebeen thinking about this place alot, ha and its making me think alot of leaving this plae.. It really isn't bad here. But I feel like i'm still waiting to get where i want to be. But with it coming sooner and sooner I'm getting excited and kinda dreading all the shit i gotta get done. But, it's starting, finally.. i'm drifting and going at my pace and no one's gonna tell me shit. It's been a while since i could stop thinking of the past long enough to look forward to the future. It's like i tried to ignore the fact that the future is coming because i knew it meant that the things and people i love from my past aren't in my future. I feel like i'm betraying them. I know I'm being true to mself whether people can see it or not, but still. I meant to always be there. I somehow imagined that it would just wind up that we would always be together. But we arent. none of us.. But i love her and them all just as much as i always promised them and myself i would. i try to smile more when i think of those times, but it always hurts.

And when you kiss your other lover Well, I will try to understand that just because you're fucking him, it doesn't mean you don't love me. Do what you want, be who you want to be. Space is the place where I will go when I'm all alone, and When nobody calls me on the phone and I'm all alone, and Meditating in the zone, all alone, and Yeah, space is the place where I will go.

I am going to attept to continue writing on here. I havent had the words to say in so long i'm not sure what to write. I have been lost for so long i can't even piece together and accept what happened and where i am. Today i was offered closure but i couldnt accept it, though she has. i feel this weakness has brought me down in everything. I cant forget and cant let go, all the promises that crumbles in front of us untill we weren't us anymore. It's me here and her there. I can't bear thewords that i'm typing. She is in love with someone else and she is letting go of me completely. this time last year we were planning to elope, now i'm here withot my friend. nothing scared me with her. i knew we'd always be fine as long as we were together. now i still make it through but everything is so painful. if you've read this then thank you because you're the only one who knows how much i hurt. i have to put on a fake smile and face my family tonight.

Keep my head in the clouds keep my feet on the ground I want to know my fate if i keep up this way down in hole there's a hole in the earth why can't we just stay sober? why can't we sleep forever? It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedom I'll follow you into the dark I have become comfortably numb Many times i've gazed along the open road, many times I've wondered how much there is to know. I know i'll see you again, whether near or far Castles made of sand fall into the sea, eventually Champagne california on the brain I think i'm dumb, or maybe just happy

Well everythings still there, only i can hink of it without breaking down. I smile a little more even though i cant think of a reason why. It's not real though. I'm not better, not really. Just some happy pills. Fuckin A why cant the doc just get me some THC pills or just a dimebag. I cant think of a reason why im not sad, im just not. But im getting really mad for some reason, i dont feel like me. I really dont like this at all. I'm not writing until i am me again.

Love is suicide I hold the pain dearly This i have come to realize The pain is what i have left Of Love When i hurt, I feel her there Once again i'm in that timeless moment When nothing but us existed When time wasnt real Only what we felt was all that was true When we laughed at the world The pain is the only feeling that is true The only thing so real and intense As the love we shared And the moments that made us feel Like One When we were completely consumed in each other When the world grew dark You looked at me and we both knew That words would only cheapen our love The times we needed nothing but each other The times when we were... Infinite I will cling to this pain I will welcome the demons of my past I will lay myself down to be tormented I will give no defense To merely feel our memory once again And to remember how it felt to be Infinite So I will die Of my own free will, My own suicide Where noone can see my scars Till i see your face again Somewhere between a memory and a dream

I’m giving up the ghost of love in the shadows cast on devotion She is the one that I adore creed of my silent suffocation Break this bittersweet spell on me lost in the arms of destiny Bittersweet I won’t give up I’m possessed by her I'm bearing her cross She's turned into my curse Break this bittersweet spell on me lost in the arms of destiny Bittersweet I want you I’m only wanting you And I need you I’m only needing you Break this bittersweet spell on me lost in the arms of destiny Break this bittersweet spell on me lost in the arms of destiny Bittersweet... I will always be owned by you. By our plans, our dreams. All the things that were rightthere at our fingertips that we talked ad cried and hoped and prayed about. Then, it all crashed, it was all destroyed. Our lives would never be the same we were broken beaten and heart broken, and the world keeps turning. We both stand up strait and look okay, noone but us will no or see the pain thats really in our eyes. We put on those smiles and it is agony. I want to explode everytime i smile when i just want to watch the world crash. But, we act strong, as always, like before we met. But the only time i was truly strong was when you were there. Now we have our seperate relationships, but noone will ever own my heart but you. Noone will understand how many peices of me were ripped away. But thinking back, we owned the world for a while. We had everything anyone dreams of. We told the world to fuck itself and did it our way and together we could do anything, untill we were seperated when i left for the military. And day by day we both grew colder and when i was injured and we lost her, i was broken. We fell apart. But god we were so beautiful together. We were amazing, i just want to start it over, live those few years again. At least i have the memories of a time when we owned the world, many never get to experience passion, happiness, and love like we did. But then again, they never had to feel the agony of losing it. I have to stop writing before i lose control. Maybe i already have, but who fuckin cares really?

You say you will help me through this. You say I'm here and i love you. You dont understand why i just shake my head and look away at something that isnt there. I came upon a metaphore for why this isn't possible, why i say i cannot be fixed. trying to fix me is like sitting on the side walk trying to put together a puzzle in the middle of a hurricane. when i find peices and put them together more are blown around. There is the basic outline still, but the middle is empty and mixed up. Even when the wind stops for a while, it does no good because people that have come in the past have taken peices with them. I could never be complete without them. And the people who stop by to help now only confuse things, they put together peices that dont go there. Because only i know what the puzzle is supposed to look like. Many try very hard, but in the end they just get frustrated and leave, so i no longer ask for help, i jut sit and stare at this hollow outline and the mess of peices, there are beautiful bits and peices here and there, but i know it wont ever be complete again. To many storms, and too many people who have taken paieces that will never return. and noone will ever know how it used to look, and noone can see the storm that im trapped in, but me.

I have people all around me but might as well be alone. They come they go i watch and wonder why they are the way they are. I wonder if i will find anyone here who will really unerstand me. Not that i dont have people who love me, but only one or two on earth really understand me, and they are both distant from me. I try to be intimate, but i know you will never see the real me, maybe its my fault, all the walls i put up to keep the ignorant shallow people who surround me out. I want to show you everything under this fake smile,but i know you would only judge me. you want to judge my music my tattoos my attitude and my lack of tolerance for ignorance or disloyalty? you want to say i was lazy and stupid for smoking weed? Ha it is because of people like you that i smoked, i needed my escape in my worl inside my head when i couldnt leave physically. But i quit, now what? i'm left to face this world that i could never be a part of and you expect me to be nice to everyone and tell me " it's what jesus would do". yeah but Jesus also fucked up that temple when it was corrupted. Well the world is His temple and its seriously twisted and corrupt. Call me what you will, I am me and if you dont like it then you can leave my life the same way you came into it just like all the girls before you. Find you a shallow rich boy in expensive clothes and i bmw. Im happy in my jeep with my dog heaed to the mountains or stone at a concert. Take me as i am or leave me the hell alone. i wont bend and i wont break so accept me or let me get on with my life.. I would miss you, but then again thats nothin a bowl and maynard cant cure.

It's all happening. So i am letting the wind blow me, i'm gonna be free like i always dreamed. I can't help what people think or what my family says, i just know i'm going to live my life the way i want to. I'm not settling or conforming anymore, I'm just going to be me and that just isnt possible with me sitting still, wondering what all is out there. I gotta see it for myself and feel it. I want to live my life like it should be and so I'm going to. Its all happening

I want to fuckin explode. I want to travel i want to just leave, why cant anyone understand that it is just a important as food water and air, that i live out my dreams andfollow my spirit. I'm suffocating in this invisible prison. I dont want to hurt my family or friends, but they must understand. God why cant they see, im not like them. I cant be me in their world. I cannot conform. I have to get out, i'm screaming but noone can hear it. I have everything but nothing. I dont want these "things". I want to live.. give me my backpacking gear my jeep and my dog. I'm pretty fuckin easy to please but everyone says im difficult. I just want to be left to do my thing and i dont fuck wit anyones stuff just let me live my life the way i wanna live it. I always have the best of intentions and i only get violent when people are being outright wrong and making the world worse. I may have to give up this security and support.. I need to follow my own twisted path and get off the highway everyones on. Just leave me alone and let me escape to my own world. I wont cause any trouble. Just let me be thats al i ever asked.. I keep holding on trying to find happiness here but it is not in my nature.. All i want is freedom for full expression of self, gandhi said that think. For now though i will get lost in music painting and running it is my freedom to be me, tho it islonely and bittersweet.

I have to let you live your life and i have to live mine. But, i can never get the things i pictured for us out of my head. I know its gotta seem crazy, we werent so close an we barely speak now. but i cant let go, it was the first time i ever understood completely self-less love and adoration. I never met anyone like you and you completely shook me. My whole world seemed to shift, i never thought someone like you existed. I felt like maybe im not crazy like everyone always told me. Maybe i'm not wrong for being who i am.. i would have her as a friend and watch her be happy with someone else if thats what it took to just be able to speak to her face to face. I know i sound like some love struck sap, but this is not ordinary "love" that young people get so wrapped up in, i care for her and i feel like we connected in a way that few people understand.. I just miss her, and i kow that with her, the world would be ours and nothing could stop us, i know it would be magic. But, in the end all i can do is hope, i have to just go on dreamin, and et her live her life and hope that our paths cross.

I miss My brothers, they were the closest thing i have to brothers. We were all in the military together ha. Man i feel like i'm talking to them like we all used to afterduty. We got shoved out and thrown to the wind. And as bad as we were treated, we miss our brothers so much we want to go back. The quiet is welcome now but unfamiliar. We used to complain an fight for people to be quiet, none of realized how comforting it is to know they're there and got your back through anything. I just miss them, I die for them, how many people will actually do that? Not just saying it, i would give my life for them in an instant without hesitation, i love them. And only soldiers understand this. Noone else really gets it so I just have to resort to this page and pour it out.

Would it be better? If you didnt get attached to me If i never called you when you gave me your number If i didnt kiss you If we didnt like being close to each other If we never drove to nowhere and found each other Would it be better on your heart to have never known me? Because i know when the wind decides to blow my way i will go with it I know you wont follow, and whatever we have and might have had will disappear as if it never existed Is it selfish of me to pull you close even though i know we will be far apart, and you will have nothing but questions i cannot answer? I wish you could see my world and join me in it But i know this is all but impossible I have tried to tell you But you just smile and nod when i know you have no clue as to what i mean I will miss you more than you realize, though you will say I am a liar You will hate me one day And this is so heavy on my heart I live for the moment forgetting the past and not worrying about the future This i think is an amazing way to live life as ong as you have true honest good intentions, but in the end everyone i loved has been hurt by me when i wanted nothing but the best. I must get back out of this worrying and live life, but i still wonder; would it be better if instead of smiling back, I just looked away

Why must everything be done according to tradition and rules? I mean i'm thinking of relationships, education and work, lifestyles all of this. Why must we label everything and everyone? Whenever we label something, then whatever we label becomes whatever title we created. Why can two people not be completely wrapped up in each other yet they go out with other people with out a title ( boyfriend/girlfriend) but it is completely taboo to do the same with a title. this seems like it is no rue emotion and campassion, and passion for that person. If it takes a title to constitute fidelity then you have nothing. Maybe this whole system is just a hortcut but i dont like it. it leaves to many open opportunities for someone being fake. Giveme something real, whether in tangible form or not, just something real and true. Things such as this must exist but thet become increasingly difficult to find.

I live my life a song at a time, my mood is a song, whether it has meaning or whether i just heard it, that one song can change your entire outlook. People wanna judge my music, like that it pot head hippies and druggies. Man those guys saw a world we cant even fathom. They had an uncontrolled unconformed mindset that was wild and free and inspired me. I live in my world in my head, i can talk for hours about mothing to people who i feel i connect with, but can be with someone who is close minded and judgemental and say nothing for days. I think, i contemplate on things i watch the world around me and look for answers and feel the energy of it all, but i notice very few who hasve any idea what i'm talking about. I am dreaming of a time and place where i can just be me and live. I am a hard worker, i dont mindwork but let it be to a purpose. But why do i have to take so many classes i care nothing for because the information i s useless to my mind, why can we not learn what we desire and then form a community of people whospecialize in what they love? Why are people so horrible to people so often? if greed alone were eliminated, the world would be free. If deceit was not commonplace, if we were not taught that money was king.. If only. Where is this place? is this place in a commune? if so i would gladly join, but then, i would become restless there as well. I want to just sell everything except what i can carry on my back and my jeep and just live on the coast. I would have a job i wouldnt feed off of welfare like many. understand i am not lazy, i run 6 miles a day and work most nights and have worked since i was 15, primarily in feed mills, which is known to be hard work, but i enjoy it. I just want to live just to exist somewhere beautiful and quiet. The thing that keeps knawing at me through all of this is, with the exception of my dog, there is noone to share it with. Is beauty and freedom truly experienced, is it real with noone to share it with? would lonliness overpower the peace and beauty? I have one dear friend who i would like to experience it all with, there is noone like her which is sad because if the world were made up of people with her outlook and mindset, we would live in utopia. I love her, she inspires me, and i miss her terribly. I know our paths must cross at some some point again. i hope they do, for i dont know if antone could ever love me like she does, for me, and because i worry that i may never love someone as i love her. We never kissed seldom touched and were never romantic, but we were real, and we understood each other, which i think was rare for her, as i know it most definitley was for me. Knowing she is there is the greatest comfort in my life. Thank you for listening.

I am seeing tunnel vision in a world that's dark and cold I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight I cannot believe I lost control of my fate I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win I can't afford to blow this one I hate myself sometimes I love myself I need this way of life because it holds me If contradictions the way of life, happiness is wealthyness is healthy Now I've made it through those lies and deceit I think whats done is done and I can't complain anymore I am sure Now that I've found myself again it feels great I can't believe I'd lost control of my fate I need forgiveness from the people I truly care about I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win I can't afford to blow this one I hate myself sometimes I love myself I need this way of life because it holds me I hate myself sometimes I love myself I need this way of life because it holds me If contradictions the way of life Happiness is wealthyness is healthy I feel betrayed by a relationship i thought was perfect untill the end. i thought i was more, but in all i was less. i was hers, she wasn't mine, though i believed with all my heart i was. i have tried exhausting myself physically, lifting runnin cal's untill i could barely stand, yet my mind will not rest. i feel betrayed though it is over. i cannot understand why, i usaully let it all go and shrug it off. But, this has not rolled off maybe it was because she was the only one i let in and it is the only memory that can stab strait through me with no warning. I know she was wrong for me and i was wrong for her, but that doesnt excuse honesty or trust. How can we love everyone when they just use, abuse and betray you. All i ask is honesty. why is it so difficult aand why is honesty considered "politically incorrect" i cannot understand it. I know it wasnt my fault but my heart keeps screaming that it was and i fell short. I do not like being so deep and hard on myself but this page is the only thing i can talk to these days. everyone i love has been scattered to the wind, but i am standing still.