Have you ever thought about one particular person so much in one day it’s affected your ability to do anything at all? I have I got yelled at for being to slow at work the other day because one particular person was one my mind for 3 outta every 5 seconds of the day. I know ive put this person threw alot of over the past couple months. And ive been threw alot since January. There’s been alot of death in my life since January and I guess from what people have told me, ive been being mean and hateful. But those of you that really know me know that really isn’t me. I guess you could call it a shell that ive trapped myself in to try and protect myself from getting hurt or being too vulnerable. I don’t know much about morning the dead so I guess this could be my way of morning or my way of trying to hide from reality. But reality has come back and hit me right smack in the face. I knew somewhere inside me that this would happen one day. That everything ive done would come back to bitch slap me sooner or later. And well it has just recently. And for those of you that don’t understand let me explain. Ill just start from the beginning of school.......ok first I went out with Casey....3weeks nothing special....then heather.....less than a day......then I talked to Jamie and Makayla a-lot but didn’t ever go out with them..........then heather again........ About a month and I made my first mistake here. I broke up with her. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Things weren’t that bad. I just couldn’t stand us fighting al the time.......anyway on with this.......then Makayla........about a month and then I broke up with her cause I didn’t want a g/f anymore.......or so I told her that........but the truth is that well there’s 2 reasons......mistake number 2.......I cheated on Makayla with Jamie on prom night after I took Makayla home........and the second reason was that I still loved heather and couldn’t stop thinking about her when me and Makayla were together I still thought about heather. It was actually kind of weird. This had never happened to me..........then mistake number 3.............Nikki.........we talked but never went out.......I stayed at her house one night (her mom unaware of this) but nothing serious happened mainly just cuddled and made out.......ok I know there’s a lot more ill mistake I’ve made in there to hurt heather and to be honest the last couple months of my life have seemed like kind of a fantasy dream with a bad ending. That I can’t remember most of. Anyone who knows the story can add the events I missed with comments. I don’t know why but over the past couple months I was trying to replace heathers spot in my heart with someone else. But it couldn’t be nor can it ever be done. And I don’t know what happened, if it was Dustin’s party or just being around heather again that made me realize this..... But the worst part of me is that I'm afraid I had this epiphany to late and heather is no longer within my reach, and i’m trapped yet again, behind a glass wall where I can see perfectly what and who I want but cant get to it. There’s only one door and only one person that can let me out of this room. But like I said I fear i’m to late and she truly is over me for now and forever! ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ to heather, I know your tired of my "same old bullshit" and "i’m sorry" don’t cut it anymore. So tell me after you read this if this is still the same old shit or something new, cause I feel different about you now......................here goes.......... You’re the only one i've ever thought about so much I sometimes forget to breath. The only one no matter what I can't lie to. The only one that has ever made me feel better just by the sound of your voice and seeing you’re near me. The only one that I could careless if we stay together and grow old and die together and never do anything more than kiss. You’re the only one who can seem to get threw to me when i’m in my shell hiding from the world. Your the only one that I regret breaking up with, I regret it so much it make my heart hurts thinking about what we could of been if I hadn’t been such a jackass. Even now my body aches as well as my heart because I’m afraid that if I wait any longer that my last chance will be gone never to return. Heather I love you more than you’ll ever know. I know you’ve questioned my love for you the past couple months but I’m telling you here, now that ill do whatever it takes to make things right again. I know it’s going to be tough for me to do this but it’s something I feel I have and need to do so that I can feel good about myself again. Everyone tell me I’m wasting my time with you. They always have and I always don’t listen to them. And when they tell me again that I’m wasting my time I’m going to tell them its time well wasted. I’m not talking to Nikki, Jamie, Makayla, or any other girl. Please tell me how I can start making things right. Im honestly lost and don’t know where to start because I have so much to make up for. Never before have I ever felt this way about anyone… Incase it hasn’t hit you yet what I’ve been trying to say I’ll just go a head and say it… You’re the only one for me. P.S. I Love You