So those whos till read this it's been a while! i've been working and such at a dr.s office. met hte most amazing guy its been about 9 mnths or will be in feb 4th 2006! it seems that is all i write about is boys boys i know!well i live with him at his mothers we are 18 still needing to move out! anyne with hel advice comment please!! We are in love and 18 adn live at his moms... hah well i love him so much he is the BEST thing that has ever even came my way~ no words to really describe it. well please comment give me something to read! later sara

So.. yea well i'd like to take that turn as my last entry said.. but we decided to stop talking due to him moving in the summer to Cali or nashville.. i will miss him. i do right now actually! i think we are still good friends tho. ehh sick of being alone. i dont mena boyfriend wise.. just i need someone to be there for me.. in a great way! lol i'm out later

I'm turning a new way.. i'm actually going to go after the right guy, one that wont hurt me and is good to me.... He is the one that i'd normally shove away. ....Not this time..... i've learned my lesson! Justin.. your perfect for me.. wish i woulda thoguth of this b4 all the wrongs.. yea it may not last long, but it will be worth the time anyway! this is goin to be great! So glad i see it now! yea i havnt been able to get this site to work at home.. so i wont be on often go to myspace

DDDamn.. i'm so happy!! i get to go to like 2 The Used concerts! HellYeah one at newport nov. 3rd! hell yea one nov. 5th at agora...!! yay! so happy.. and friday im goin to see my friend jimmy at his talent show at St.Petes... woo hoo go u buddy! i worked today.. oou the friday night i got to go ot denny's agian.. everyone showed up haha! but yea.. i had to leave early tho.. :( But yea tomorrow right after school im gettin jimmy and we r gonna go to dann'ys to go to his practice with chris, chad and him.. should be lots of fun.. it's in colombus i believe.. but yea lots of fun! oh and trick or treating... woo hoo i hope! i believe its saterday! in shelby at least.. it's suppost to be chad, chris chad's friend i work with, adn danny also myself.. anyone else?!?!.. let me kno.. i don't kno what to be! ehh of well. laters Sara

No wonder why i'm so cold!! i'm in a porch type deal.. but i have my little heater under my chair ahah! Why has it gotten so cold out of no where?! i don't like it at all! God i'm crazing coffee!! But yea i don't work today! yeeee!! so i'll prolly wait till my brother wakes up.. he worked all night turns out his friends held a keyboard duster to his leg and burnt it bad! poor bubby! and he works midnights so i'm waiting... we will find somethign to do! Maybe a movie get some ppl together! So it's rainging obviously! and it's cold!@! what else to do but watch movies! lol.. Of and i finally got T.J. to just tlak to me.. about nothign really just good to kno he is able to talk! haha why am i so forgiving?!?! oh well it's just me.. but uhh yea.. i'll add a pic in this haha just for all of u!! well that means lil lee lee adn jesse and chad. haha i need more friends! lol! leave one ya'll later! Sara

yea.. i didn't get Stewy either.. spelling? sorry ellisha hahah Denny's was halarious ahha. i feel like na ass for my borhter tho.. still havn't got ahold of him had to come home.. didn't kno what apt he was in! i'm scared for him.. ehh. too much coffee in me.. i'm shaking! i'm off to bed... nights// tell ur friends it was nice meetin them let's all do it agian! Sar Which Family Guy character are you?

FUCK i hate this shit.. i feel so fucked upin the head. like paranoid.. i feel liek everyone is talkin and scheming behind my back! why? im not sure.. but im gettin pissed.. so i gett old that i'm still liked by him.. adn he really likes me alot and all.. i go over there then after that he doesn't really talk to me. again.. i don't kno what's up.! then he goes to plymouth homecoming.. which i was gonna go to, but had to work! FUCK... ehh. damnit.. something's really worng with me. i cant get a damn person to stay around me! or like me! i'm thinkin about quitin my job, i dont have a life or time anymore for anyhting! who knows.... oh well no one fuckin cares. ppl r turning their diaries to private.. so now this shit sucks to have.. why keep it? fuck Sara

wow it was crazy to finally turn the tv on and see The Used playing on fuse! i've been tryin to get them to play them for a while now! I can't wait for "In Love and Death" to come out! it will make me soo happy! i lost their first cd.. well my sis stole it from me! bitch.. haha. but yea i work here at 4 i host today besides bussing.. crazzzy. umm next weekend i'm goin to Shelby's homecoming wiht jimmy jackie and paull brickholder i think thats the right spelling.. haha it's gonna be halarious! weeee. yea so uhh then the next weekend i'm goin to plymouths.. wiht matt hall to see my girls! and then the weekend after that i think that's crestviews.. prolly goin alone. haha. oh well! but yea.. i believe i couldn't get bonnett to like me enough.. he said he is really busy with schol and such.. which i believe, but i just think it wasn't working out for him. at least this time i got told instead of ignored.. or anyhting else.. just hurt. it's cool tho~ Ellisha~ hope he goes with ya.. good luck. Sara

You have Black Wings! Your feathers are dark, ravenblack, which can also be spiny and scaly. Noone really knows why your feathers are thisdark, because you always conceal yourself witha bubble. A great sadness surrounds you, andyou take it out on others and the world. InSpite of your beauty, your inside is twistedand dead, because you were hurt so badly thatyoure heart couldnt take it. Before, your wingswere white, and slowly, when your life waschanging, so was the color. You have nofriends, because you cant let anyone get tooclose to you. Grief fills your heart, thoughanger blinds your eyes. What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix! brought to you by Quizilla

So i don't really know what's going on in my life. I hang out with Bonnett whenever we r bored. It seems to start gettin somewhat meaning to it. heh. but who knows anymore. so far he is a good guy, hopefully he stays. i don't know what to believe anymore.. its so easy to trick me. So just being careful not to get too close, b4 i'm sure. I'm sick of mys chool's homecomings so i'm goin to shelby's, whether it is thru bonnett or a friend. I don't kno what he is thinking anyway about this.. so i'm cool if he doesn't ask me. But i'm goin to plymouth's homecoming next saterday.. with matt hall.. cuz i want to hangout with some friends.. ellisha brooke.. sp? and yea that's like all.. but i never see my ellisha! i miss her.. plus matt is cool hah. i think i'm going... lol i'm suppost to go ot lexingtons with my girl lauren from work.. i'm not sure. So if you DON'T want winter to come... you are my friend.. i just can't wait for halloween.. TRICK OR TREATING yay! I'M HAPPY! WHO'S WITH ME?! but yeah i'm out. leave me one.. Sara

So.. i'm single.. agian.. which is alright with me. i just wish he woulda had the guts to face up to it and tell me. But i'm alright with it now. i've stopped writing. i don't kno why.. i never have the eurge to anymore! But i guess that means i'm happy.. i write on paper to get my pain out and feel stronger mentally. I am beginning to feel dependant agian hah. i'm startin to date around for once in my life.. This guy at my work wants to take me out.. but i'm tryin not to get attatched.. he is goin to the marines in 2 months.. he is a sweet guy. But yea i'm just gonna try the dating thing. My parents have been in forida and the bahama's.. lucky them.. even tho the hurricane they say its ok there. But that's all that i have to say. oh yea Ellisha.. i miss ya! lol u seem busy lately! welp.. i got school tomorrow.. then goin to bonnets after it to hang out.. later sara

So it's been a while since i've actually got to see him. He asked me out monday night.. then when i took him home i hadn't seen him since. I'm worried, really... i mean i don't feel he wants this yet. I keep making sure.. he keeps sayin he does just it's been bad timing.. I just got off the phone with him. I had nothing to do today either did he but somehow i didn't get to see him.. and i talked about that, and it's driving me insane. i don't want to be one of those girlfriends that HAVE to see you.. but it's been a week! feels like he doesn't want to see me.. So when we hang up i'm lying on my bed.. and i start to cry.. why?! i mean i understand everything.. just it seems he doesn't want me there.. maybe i'm just thinkin too much, i need to stop! i can't figure out how he is feeling or thinking.. he tells me but i feel there is something.. hidden.. i don't know what to do.. i've brought it up alot! i mean he had a couple hours of doing nothing today.. that he coulda called me back like he said so i coulda came over.. but i had to call him at 830 and ask him if he even wants me over.. and he said he had been sittin around bored! what would u do? All i can do is be sad about it.. maybe he needs some time to adjust.. i don't kno. I just want to make sure he is serious about me.. cuz he says he is.. about us and all or he wouldn't have asked. I'm so confused.. not really but stressed. I need to stop stressing! And just let it be how it is. Just be happy. i just needed to get this all out it's been eating at me for the last couple days! still is! But i'm goin into town tonihgt to stay with my sis, and he said he will call.. he's been sayin that alot but things just keep coming up.. i'm gonna freak! cuz i'm turning into this bitch very slowly to him.. i hate it! i dont want to be like this... I think i just miss him and need reassurance.. yeah. i do! i'm out Sara

WOW, so i'm worried if he really wants to be with me or if he is actually serious about being with me. But i'm gonna drop that and just sit back and see. I hope this goes well.. we have so much in common, i've grown to like the person i got to know soo much! Right now i'm so happy! i just can only hope he is too! but i gotta go... his bday is monday and i don't know what to do.. ahh well i have a clue. Sara

WOW the world seems to amaze me. right when i believe it had givin up on me.. something great in my life suddenly comes in.. it has been there the whole time. right before my face! i've found that my life is growing tremendously. I'm changing so much. i don't kno if this is good or not. but mentally i've changed. i'm thinkin differently about my past. Yes i'm scared of being hurt agian, but who isn't? I'm just gonna take this risk for once.. it only took me about ten moths to figure it out tho. He is so sweet, should i believe him, his feelings he claims to have? i'm scared of being tricked again, of the betrayal. nothing hurts more than that. I'm also afraid i'm goin to screw this all up, worrying if he is true or not. i could lose something that could be the best thing that happens to me. We talked about takin it real slow so we do it right so that we make it. And i think he is perfect for me. We talk too much too! I'm hoping this works for me, for him. I need this. more than anything right now. I had never thought it'd be me and him.. I'm sooo frik'N happy right now! I hope he is too.. ~Sara

HEY so i'm feelin the strength to move on! always good huh? i'm sick of loving someone who doesn't feel the same back, and lies about it! so on a differ note.. i put my title as move because i'm moving on finally after 10 months! doesn't mean i dont love him just now im not waitin around hand and gfoot for him! and giving up on the thought that we will be together! and my mood is numb because i am numb of the pain at the moment and hopefully will be cuz i hate it! also on the move thing- that i'm suppost to be moving by september! we r gettin the house all fixed up and ready for someone to buy! I'm SOO freakin happy! im sick of this house i've been here for 6 years or 7.. but we r gonna try to rent in ontario for a bit then get a house in ontario! i will be moved out by the time they actually get a house to buy tho.. so it don't matter! Ellisha.. i miss u!! and everyone! i work 2mrrw at 330 so yay.. not hah then help mom with tha house.. sanding and priming and painting yay!! haha later ya'll hehe...! Sara

yeah that's right, i feel tickledpink.. for one i don't have to work today.. my friend tyler was tellin me about this job that's so easy just have to go get ppl to register for voting and he gets paid way more then me! and i have to work heh.. so i might try that out! well yesterday sucked.. was gettin ready to go to my boys practice then i get told they arnt having it then im told they r breakin up.. so yea.. sad day! so i hung with my sister adn we tried roller blading down shelby heh.. stayed with kristen then left this mornign at about 9:30 then i drove around tryin to find dannys ass to go with me to buy fluffy a rat.. fluffy is a snake.. and i didn't try hard cuz it was early.. so i came home heh.. now im tired with no food around me heh fun fun! waitin to find danny cuz i'm not feeding that snake by myself heh. IT'S ELLISH'S BIRTHDAY SHE IS 18 WOOOOT WOOT! HEH u r my shinning star oh baby u r my shinning star heh! well i'm out like a dead light bulb later yall! too good of a mood for no reason.. oh yea i hate the color pink and the word heh

So.. i did nothign for independence day.. so ashamed.. heh! just sat at home and made an ass of myself online.. yay! well now that i feel i have lost everyone that ever mattered to me.. i guess i will have to live with it right? well i gotta go to work here soon.. yeeeeeeee.. not it's all i have to look forward to anymore.. i need to get out more! find some friends!! ehh! In a month i believe i get to go to NC with Kristen... that should be fun haha.. kristen my love where have u gone?!?! hehe ellisha.. get ahold of me.. i wanna do somethign soon heh.. well i leave u with that im out later all Sara

i stole this off of Allie who stole it off Nate.. who prolly stole it off someone who stole it off another.. and on and on... HAVE YOU EVER... 1. Kissed your cousin: no that's very odd to start with 2. Run away: when I was little I did with my brother.. we were tryin to go to school to see my sister heh 3. Pictured your crush naked: haha..... who doesn't?....? 4. Actually seen your crush naked: yeah... 5. Broken someone's heart: yes but fair and square.. it hurt me just as much!! if not more! 6. Been in love: yes.. once in love always in love! 7. Cried when someone died: umm... uhh.. i don't know anyone clse that has died! 8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: yeah... still do heh 9. Broken a bone: nope.... knock on wood!! 10. Drank alcohol: YEPPERS heh.. 11. Lied: who hasn't? name them!! cuz i want to meet them and get them to lie! 12. Cried in school: yeah... like twice.. boys were mean! WHICH IS BETTER... 13. Coke or Pepsi: pepsi 4. Sprite or 7up: Sprite 15. Girls or guys: umm girls backstab and lie! guys... are good friends! so guys! and yea i go for guys not girls! 16. Flowers or candy: candy flowers heh 17. Scruff or clean shaven: sometimes a little scruff can hurt but i like it! 18. Quiet or loud: uhh we talkin about sex or personality?! 19. Blondes or brunettes: umm well in guys i like darker hair... but if they have blonde and it goes.. i guess so.. 20. Bitchy or slutty: i'd rather be bitchy then slutty!! 21. Tall or short: I like when a guy is my height little taller tho.. 22. Pants or shorts: Pants!!! WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX 23. What do you notice first: eyes and jaw line.. it's weird.. i know oh and smile and ass.. ok enough! 24. Last person you slow danced with: dude... uhh i think my gay cuzin at prom heh that or a girl there haha... no one wanted to dance with me 25. Trust the most: out of guys? uhh.. i'd say... muncy.. he is good with secrets.. i never tried a secret with nate tho.. or many others.. lol THE LAST TIME YOU... 26. Showered: haha Allie.. it's ok.. uhh i'd say it was man.. i think yesterday before work! 27. Had a deep conversation: lastnight/morning.. haha it was from about 1230 to 6 in the morning.. 28. Had a great time with the opposite sex: i don't interact with them! they smell hehe jk.. umm i had fun talkin with danny lastnight lol 29.Your good luck charm: What....this doesn't make any sense......(i agree Allie) i dont have one anyways 30. Person you hate most: I don't really HATE anyone.. i'm a very forgiving person.. everyone knows that! FAVORITES... 31. Slumber party game: umm twister!?! wait that's drunken game lol 32. Color: purple i guess... 33. Movie: umm.. hald baked?!?! 34. Book: His Bright Light by D.S. 35. Subject in school: anatomy 36. Juice: Apple.. yea 37. Car: umm i'd go with mine.. mustang 38. Ice cream: uhh sherbet.. orange 39. Holiday: yea Christmas is cool 40. Season: Fall 41. Breakfast food: pancakes! big ones!!!! 42. Place to go with your honey: umm don't have a "honey" WHO... 43. Makes you laugh the most: Kristen 44. Makes you smile: Megan 45. Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: hmm.. i wont tell that one.. DO YOU EVER... 50. Sit by the phone: no.. 51. Save AIM conversations: yeah.. *shame* HAVE YOU EVER... 62. Made out with JUST a friend?: No but maybe a kiss.. not anything really 68. Cheated on someone?: No.. i never would on anyone.. it hurts 69. Been cheated on?: yes.... 70. Been kissed?: yeah heh 71. Done something you regret?: are u talkin sex??? or anything? cuz it depends WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON... 72. You touched?: uhh this sounds gross but my mom haha it was her arm! 73. You talked to?: dad.. 74. You hugged?: Danny.. i don't get many hugs heh taht was like wednesday.. 75. You instant messaged?: Danny... last night 76. You kissed?: dude.. this is weird.. but Danny... 77. You had sex with?: Danny liek 9 months ago.. 78. You yelled at?: Nate.. and everyone at practice.. for something.. hah it was dumb and i don't member why.. it ws just messin tho 79. You laughed with?: dad.. we are alwasy laughing.. hah 80. Who broke your heart?: Danny... only one to really break it 81. Who told you they loved you last?: Megan i believe DO YOU... 82. Color your hair?: yea cuz im dumb and died it blonde once a while back!! err! 83. Have tattoos?: Nope.. not allowed 84. Have piercings?: Yes 85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope! 86. Own a webcam?: yeppers.. but none of that 87. Own a thong?: yea.. like 2 i think heh 88. Ever get off the damn computer?: i'm on alot only at night cuz i can't sleep and i stay up forever... that and the morning.. heh when im bored.. lol ok no i dont 89. Quack?: umm random... but yea yea my birthday was alright.. mostely hung with family... the boys r gonna have a show with 12 stones at peabody's in cleveland july 14th!! yea cool be there! well that's it for now! i am 17 now yeeeee! talk to ya'll later! Sara

so i just wrote a long ass entry.. very meaningful.. then it todl me i had to sign in.. so id id then it didn't save it!! ahh the site plays with my head! i hate that! so lately i've been sittin around doing nothing at home or being in shelby at the Soulbind practices... or working weee! it's nice tho to just sit back and do nothing once again! Well tonight i went out to the V.I.P to see the boys play.. Soulbind... and i had to go out there by myself.. which i found out is better! and hung out with ellisha and all them.. which is cool! havn't seen them in a while! the thing that sucks is... i had to be home at midnight.. and they played at 1140 or midnight.. and so i didn't get to see them! but it's cool... it was fun time! and mom told me i had to have someoen walk me out to my car.. cuz its mansfield and ppl been killed there she says.. so i had Danny my ex take me out there.. hah.. mom don't like him much.. but yea me and my friend kristen have noticed lately... i have been so much nicer and happier all together since i have been talkin to Danny lately... not "talking" but just talkin more.. tellin how we feel.. it's weird! but i still love him... and he knows it.. and i miss him like hell! and he knows it... but he hides his feelings from me.. and i want to kno them! cuz when he took me out to my car we huggeed for a long time cuz i wanted a real hug* and i said i miss you to him.. and he just was liek aww and squeezed me harder.. and i could feel he did too... but he wouldn't say it! and i was just talkin to him and he said, " it made me wordless.. cuz u said it like when we was together". so yea of course i told him i wouldn't do it agian if he didnt want me to.. adn he just said err.. and i said well i can't tell if u want me to.. adn he said thats the point adn i'm not suppost to be able to know.. so yea.. I just wish he'd tell me he needed me.. but is that what i really want? cuz i think it would make me fall again... harder.. and i htink he knows that.. and he knows we can't happen.. and he don't want ot hurt me again! i dont know really... i mean who don't want to be told they are loved and wanted by someone they love?! and i'm sorry if this entry hurts you... you know who u r... you are considered a good friend to me.. and i know how u feel about him too! and i'm sorry u had to get hurt!! we both just happened to fall in love with someone who wont leave your heart... ever! i'm sorry!! to anyone who is in love right now with someone u can't have or out of ur reach... i feel ya.. and i'll pray for your soul! heh i'm out of this.. hopefully htis one works.. lol! im sick of it... if anyone wants to talk to me... cuz im really that bored... my AIm is sdangelgrl and so is my yahoo!! -Sar Sar*

Lying in bed, Too weak to get up. To tired to sleep, All is thinking of you. So I write all night, Hoping to write away my pain and fears. To the point I’m sick, Restless to the core. I can feel it in my soul, I know I miss you. It’s obvious to those who are close. I want to know how it was so easy for you, Because it is never for me, And it is getting me no where. Nowhere besides deeper in my emotions. Talking myself into thinking, Thinking I’m going insane. Needing medication, To be able to breath again. Missing the look in your eyes. Torn apart, I’m left on the floor, Only in a puddle of shame and tears. ~Sara Dean So here is my entry... Right now.. my life seems perfect.. so you would think.. i seem happy.. but am i really? My head is so fucked up right now.. i don't know what do think nymore! am i really needing medication? it's startign to seem so! i can't even stand my own self right now! i hate this cold feeling.. i need to be alone.. get myself together..! i sit and tell myself and everyone well i'm happy now! no more depressed sara.. but then i turn the next day and i am again... so don't believe me next time! i'm so confused.. i feel so empty, little inside i just want to curl up in myself and rot to death! so i tell everyone not to cut themselves.. and it's not worht it.. im always tellin ppl it will be ok and tryin to help them.. then next thing i kno.. i cut myself for the first time today.. sadly i'll admit it.. i'm sorry.. but now i understand... I'm sorry to all those i have disappointed... my life feels so empty and useless.. i need out of here!!!!!!!!!!