I'm thinkin again, i'm always thinking... i wish i couldn't think anymore!! i would love to just be emotionless one day. to forget all the world and it's everyday problems! i wonder where my body lays, where my thoughts came. i'm sick of myself... is that possible to hate your own inner self? i want to throw myself up! get rid of me and get new, to have someone else. to get rid of memories! to LIVE again! god it would be so nice. everyday i pretend put on a show! why? to make myself believe i'm not unhappy and depressed, that people will think i'm not me? why i believe people should see me that way? so they don't have to worry about me or think i'm somebody i'm not. everyone don't know me! they all would hate to see me. to rip out my inner self to the world to see... they would throw me away, i would have no one, as it seems. yes i'm happy sometimes, but it's a surface happy, nothing meaningly. maybe one day i will show myself... but then i'll seem like someone i'm not, like i always do... so fuck it i say! why not seem to be happy to everyone they'd rather see that then me... i feel like a alient in my body. when i think about it i feel my skin as if it's not on me... and it's not my skin...! somedays i feel as if no one hears me or even cares when i try to call out for help! i try to see what's wrong with me, but there is no ne to care. i can live without it... it's just been too long since i have felt loved, missed or even cared about truely! but fuck, i'll never get that, ever again... i wont let anyone close enough, not after last time! i'm so fucked... ever since i got this diary i can now tell who i am... i don't like it. i don't want to be me! I refuse it! seriously i need someone to help me... i feel like i'm goin crazy. i have to go now........