So, work was fun last night.. boring but picked up. then i go home.. start fighting with my mother about stupid shit! i hate it we never use to fight... but now she gets jealous because i am at my friends all the time and talk about her dad.. she thinks im trying to replace her and dad!! she is crazy i tell you! just because someone worked on my car, tried to help us. i try to understand her but she is difficult and it is much easier to just yell and get mad at her!! i mean who really likes gettin yelled at for something they can't help. we talked about it for a while but i don't know if she listened.. i feel for my brother.. even tho i know what he is doin to my friend is WRONG! but i know what he is goin thru... and i know what she is goin thru.. so its hard to say anything. My mother was tellin me that "i have no emotion.. im emotionless.. but i have no pprblem showing stress and anger" just because i hadn't seen her in like 5 days and came home and didnt hug her or yell i miss u... i told her "i just don't miss people that much" sounds crazy but the only person i ever really miss is cuz i can't have him anymore.. other people i see and still have as friends family, they're always there. but i guess i can't feel i truely miss someone unless i see they are not in my life anymore. is that crazy?? i mean i miss him, but i know i will never have him again... and it's best that i don't! he will prolly just do it all over again. i don't need a guy right now anyways.. i feel bad cuz i just kinda cut Cy out again... but i don't know why, i wish i had somethign for him, he is sweet treats me good, wants to be with me, cute.. but it's like he will never be.... you know, like my first love. No one will ever! that's what sucks!! cuz i want everyone to be him.. but no one will ever! and i can't have him. talkin to his mom (Philis) just makes it worse she tells me all this stuff about how we r gonna get back together on down the road, hurts. i like the thought of him and me again.. but it would never work, too much history. I'm just happy to se ehim smiling and laughing and being himself again!! like at their band practice, he is giggly and flirty with everyone again.. which is soo him. and it makes me completely happy! even though all the shit we went thru! i always want the best for him. i mean i still love him, always will! he was my first everything! he was EVERYTHING to me! it's been like 9 months since we broke up.. and i still care alot about him and love him. for those of you who know him.. how could you not?!?! hah but i guess im gettin better with dealing with the thought that he has moved on. Another thing, how do ppl always think the best way to move on is to find someone else? it's not true.. cuz then all ur thinkin about is the person ur tryin to get over when ur with that person. which is completely about cheating! i guess i have strong morals on relationships... but no one is perfect.. no one! now that i have spilled all my feelings out i think im gonna go i'm gettin to philosophical now.. or whatever it is. "gettin in deep" i guess. easy for some to understand. oh about hte music... it's playing in the computer lab.. teacher likes the 80's... not too bad. ~SarA~