everyday I feel as though I wake up and im not myself, I go through the whole day doing whatever it is I do....which isnt much, Im not depressed im apathetic, do i hate it? im indifferent. does it make me a bad person? no it makes me useless so im useless and a leech to society. why am I writing such emo shit? because I can, I dont actually expect anyone to read this, who would? its so fucking long and pointless. no one really wants to dwelve into my mind, sometimes the things I think of even scare me. Ive been in such an angsty mood ever since i started living in this house (i moved to my dads house for 15 days for tax reasons) I cant stand the energy of this place....it always has to be so fucking clean, nothing can ever be out of place...and someone died in this house...thats pretty creepy I always feel like somenes watching me or touching me, and all the pictures taken in this house have orbs in it....I dont know its just weird. Because for the last 3 months or so Ive been very happy, then all of a sudden I leave my happy enviroment and I feel like grimlin ass. honestly when the doctor told my I had a brain tumor I was almost releived, I had an excuse to feel sad even though honestly my own death wouldnt matter to me.....i think about all these times I could have died in all these freak situations ive been in, and if I would have....it wouldnt have mattered I havent added any acomplishments to my life since then. so the brain tumor thing...as everyone was crying, I was actually happy for the first time in a long time, in my beliefs death is not the end.....so even suicide would never truly let me leave, only the situation and honestly I feel as though its almost the cowards way out, and it selfish and it hurts everyone around you that cares. so after a couple more catscan tests they determined there was no tumor, or it had gone away on its own...wtf? How is it I can escape death so much.....oh right its because i have a destiny, how can I live out my destiny though if I dont do anything but sit around all day and play guitar. and its stupid anyway, im meant to be a fashion designer...so thats great, making the world even more shallow, or do I have a chance to change the way everyone thinks? I dont know why im thinking of myself so much lately, i never do, I always think of the people around me, i would do anything for my friends, and they are my everything, they are the only ones that make me feel happy or alive or loved. lately its what i live for, hanging out with friends getting drunk, it seems i have a party 3 times a week. I started drinking these last couple months after going 8 months without it. i like to be drunk, and I hate to admit it, I hate it when people use drugs constantly to make themselves feel better about how much they suck. fuck it, I know its a bad attitude to have about life, and im not going to sit here and bitch that ive had a hard life because everyone has had a lot of bad shit and I hate it when people tell me they are going to kill themselves in msn conversations its so lame, if you were going to do it you wouldnt tell me on fucking instant messanger attentionwhores. im writing this now why? because i feel like it, if anyone actually reads this you should know it was a big waste of time. im sick of gender stereotypes and double standards I shouldnt have to justify my actions to anyone just because im a girl. My perfect strawberry field life has decayed and rotted. Anytime I say i like myself or my life im in denial, I honestly cant stand me, even talking now, its all bullshit, I love to lie to myself I do it constantly, so much I dont know who I am, I spent so much time trying to be everything I wasnt I forgot who I am. I hate it when my sexuality is questioned, once again why should I verify myself to a total stranger, I trust to much, and you would think by now i wouldnt be so fucking niave and gullable, most people are peices of shit, perhaps im one of them. I get told constantly im too nice, people push me around and I let them and I smile. they do something wrong and im the one saying "im sorry". I've just had it, I dont care if im becoming a bitch I like it no, im not an object or a tool or a plaything i refuse to be your blowup doll, don't fucking call me pretty or ugly, why do looks matter? seriously people judge everyone on their looks its sad, so everyones puking up their food to fit into this sad little thing we call societies ideals of beautiful and not to be hypocritical I was hospitalized in may for anorexcia and it made me wonder what I was doing it for, Im thinking about consuming large amounts of food and sitting on the computer all day and getting about 10 cats and just work on line and never do anything else...I mean Im on the internet so much as it is, what do I do on here? nothing I look up random things because I like random bits of knowledge that wont help me in life. I dont even go to school, why? because I dont care enough about my future, I love how my parents are living through me and im going to be what they tell me to be and honestly im fine with it because i wouldnt be able to decide and I wouldnt care. my mothers getting married to a douche bag and I hate him so much, what a fuckin douche bag I dont think i'll ever get married, I dont think i'll ever even fall in love, even in my long term releationships I was never in love esspecially not the kind that would make him try to jump off my balcony after I said I didnt feel the same, so what do you do after that? of course you get drunk and punch a cop, always good. so this is pretty long and I could keep going forever in fact because im full of so much bullshit and Im used to spewing it randomly. I hate it when people try to psychoanalyse me, oh she father abandonment issues thats why she always has a boyfriend, wrong bitch she wont take medication because she is in denial of her condition, no bitch I wont take it because i dont want to rely on drugs to be something that im not. people constantly call me weird or strange, but really its not my intent i try to be normal...but i guess theirs something a little off about me, perhaps destined for greatness as a pyschic once said, perhaps doomed to gain weight and own a bunch of cats i wonder if anyones gotten this far, if you have you obviously care too much and you shouldnt. I do give myself credit for a couple things, I do think im very tallented but its wasted because i dont care enough to try or to put in any effort and I know im pathetic. also I believe I have a fair enough sense of intelligence for my age. but perhaps I am strange.,...maybe artistic but I hate coming across as misunderstood, dark and artistic, everyone thought it was pretty strange when I took and apple and put worms in it and called it contempary in art 10. its things like that...that seperate me, maybe im meant to be alone. I hate it when people talk about relegion and judge me on my own, I grew up around the paranormal, my dad is friends with all these pyschic healers hell Im even training to be pyschic, and how many people want to be friends with a "witch" haha yeah.....my beliefs are my own, yours are your own, its our beliefs, morals and values that define us people should believe whatever they want and not be ridiculed if they want to believe something on blind faith thats wonderful, if you dont want to believe in anything thats great. you shouldnt make fun of people with blind faith and hope, people that need hope usually dont have much. I hate coming across as anything. you can think anything you want of me you can call me an emo you can call me a geek, poser, a whore, stupid, pychotic, fat, ugly, pretty, funny whatever I dont give a fuck, while your sitting here judging me im probably doing the same thing to you but I wont admit it. I think the problem is im not challenged enough, my grades are in the high 90's, I have the potential to get a good job, a car, a nicer place to live but I dont care, none of it hold any interest, ive lost all interest in everything, sometimes I just like sleeping all day, maybe if i had something to be awake for I would, but nothing makes me happy really but drinking.......yeah its sad fuck off. still reading this? even the people who are my friends, I dont even know if I like them I mean...I like everyone, im very social, i might seem like a huge bitch to anyone reading this rant but I love talking to people, even if they are retarded or mean, doesnt matter. I dont know, im a teenager and even though I say i dont fit in, I know im like everyone else, or what everyone is trying to hide with in themselves. It is time for me to realize life isn’t all about getting what I want. Even though I can not undo the past, the things I have done and said, I can at least try to mend the holes I have made in my life, I know that I will never be able to fix everything or ever truly feel complete, but I’ve hit a dead end and have no where else to go. seriously if anyone read this leave a comment.