for the first time in a long time... my temper rose into the red.

he hasnt called for 4 days whatever ...asshole

when i was in about 6th or 7th grade...i totally loved julian casablancas but i didnt google him or whatnot because i hate doing that haha i hate googling someone and finding out all this stuff about them because i have this weird fear that if i ever meet them one day i'll be all creepy and like "i know your life story even though we just met" doesnt that sound creepy? well anyway i kinda moved on and forgot about my love for him but then as of late ive been on this Strokes rampage and it felt really good to be listenning to some of their stuff again i felt like i did when i was younger... when i listen to the strokes--it really puts me in place as to what's important in life so then, i googled julian casablancas just for the hell of it and i fell in love with him again hahah but i guess im about 13 yrs too young and 3 years too late considering he got married in '05 i put him in my heroes section on my myspace and looked up his quotes--and became the crazed fan that i didnt want to become hahah it's weird--up until tonight i had always thought that the strokes were an english band...but apparently julian was born in new york and are very much an american orignated band--where the hell have i been? well...i guess im forgiven since i was 11 when this thought originated--anywho my julian obsession begins [again?]

so yesterday i wrote my first song i dont know if it's good or not--but im really proud of it especially considering that i dont know how to play guitar and i came up with a decent instrumental for the song my psychic told me to pick up a guitar and start writing music the last time i saw her...and now i have she told me that it was "unlike anything you'll ever experience" and she was right i feel invincible-- i was sad yesterday about dumping matt...but now i feel fine--i feel like everything is okay...

today i broke up with him and his response was "okay--i'll talk to you later then" song of the day "almost lover" --a fine frenzy mood: heartbroken

"As with anything else in life, with love we should for no reason have to settle for anything less then everything. Believe that there is someone out there for you who knows what it is to say ‘I love you’ as such is a love worth finding, no matter how long or how far the journey." -someguy pure genius--someguy, you've inspired me beyond your understanding--thank you i was thinking about keeping this a secret..but i dont think i'm going to anymore-- i have another account called: intothecrowd it's full of poems and stuff--personal stuff i was going to keep it secret...but i feel like sharing it with the world look at it if you want--comment if you want...or dont it doesnt matter you can be mean or nice--either way i regret nothing it's a blog full of pointless things that i think =] and trust me--my thoughts are pointless haha

i want nothing to do with romance or men for the rest of my life-- i am officially a lesbian. or a spinster. or a cat lady. i dont know. i hate you. GRRRRRRRR.

he didnt call today.... i know i shouldnt be worried or obsessive or whatever...but he went to a strip club last night--after i told him that i dont like him going to strip clubs. i tried to make it seem like i didnt care... i'm not going to care anymore i dont think i love him anymore--

lately i've been really body concious --i remember a time where a simple haircut or makeover would suffice and my self-criticism would deminish... but lately, despite my efforts, i feel that i am being sucked into the pressures around me... yes--i admit--i am a big girl... i will never be kate moss [who wants to be?] i am not morbidly obese yet i am not a twig i've accepted that-- i dont know--i used to feel sexy despite my weight... i used to feel that people wanted me...i used to feel confident maybe it's summer--but just the opposite has come my way... i even started my school's cross country team to try and get a better chi--but my efforts have done just the opposite every other day i am surrounded by beautiful bombshells and hot guys--and it's just another reminder that i am [yet again] not good enough... that i will never be good enough...

so today i saw the jonas brothers in concert. i never thought that being in a crowd full of sappy, dough-eyed tweens and their parents would be so much fun. sure i didnt know all of the lyrics--hell, i didnt even know all of the songs...but i will admit... the soft/pubecent voices of kevin, joe, and nick created a new guilty pleasure within me.

i want to start a band

so i currently went to my first rave last saturday. ELECTRIC DAISY CARNIVAL [EDC] BABY it was total bomb. i had the time of my life now i have been bitten by the rave bug :munch: i'm soooo stoked for monster massive on holloween -- but it's far away =[ maybe i'll go to fresh squeezed... anyone been?

i met someone =] maybe it'll grow

today, i got my licence ive been waiting about a year to get it so i was really excited. when my father came home today the first thing he says after i tell him is "how many did you get wrong" i say "i got 9 wrong...but you were allowed to get 15" he says "so that's your approach in life, isnt it?" yeah, dad -- im the fuck up that you always wanted. i do nothing but fuck up forget the fact that i passed -- i DELIBERATELY tried to get 9 wrong on my test just to piss you off. no, i didnt try my best at all. so THAT'S why they gave me the licence

today i read a "blog" from a "friend" named ethan confessing his feeling for his ex-girlfriend. this really made me realize how love destroys us... it also makes me think that i am not what i think i am... in my mind -- i am destined for greatness a "somebody" if you will but really...that makes me a nobody because --let's face it...EVERYONE wants to be a somebody so my question to myself is...should i at least TRY to be a somebody? or should i subside with being a nobody?

so i wrote a poem a while ago..a terrible poem. and it just happened to get published into my school lit. book... here it is: I wish we could've... laid on the grass and talked for hours fell in love with all the flowers kiss under the raw moon go away but never leave too soon and you'd... hold my hand and become invincible because you knew my heart was right next to you sometimes we'd... lay on the sand and count the moments we're never going back i'd laugh... at your jokes and stupid faces laugh every second until time erases and then sometimes... the whole world would crumble down but you'd be my superman and stick around and... with all the times i've fallen in love with you all over again i could fill the sky with stars and the beach with sand and only if you truly wanted... would i let go completely felt our hearts in the sky, floating freely and i always told you - i'll always be here and you told me you weren't going anywhere but your love was just on loan.... and i wrote your name on my heart of stone it's the only poem that i have ever written in rhyme...it has sentimental value [obviously] but it's the worst poem ever. hahahahaha. the WORST poem ever.

i'm so scene....not

"you can be my sugar dumpling muffin baby pumpkin pie"

im cleaning my room today... that i going to take a looooooong time i am SUCH a slob...seriously. i cant clean for the life of me but i take showers...so im cleanly. im just messy. whatever. my therapist said that my family and i should create a "chore chart" so we did. i got landed with cleaning my room daily, doing the dishes, taking in the trash, sweeping the floors, cleaning the pool, and going to get groceries every once in a while. and i had the short list...so i wasnt too bummed.

this is the extent of my summer thus far: last night i stayed up too late even though i KNEW that i had a driving lesson today [my last driving lesson] and i am WIPED. why did i stay up late? was i partying? NO i was playing...solidmetalgear4 ...that's really lame.... SOOOOO LAAAAME it would have been forgiven if it were like "hey i was up late partying, man. it was crazy. beer pong all night." but NO i was playing with my ps3 [which is badass btw] and i was most definately NOT partying ugh. sooo...ive been playing video games all day [not that it's a bad thing or anything] and i wish that i had done something else. this makes me realize that i have never been to a high school house party ...im about to be a senior and i have never been to a REAL house party wtf? my goal this summer...is to go to as many parties as i can and to live up my final high school year. i mean...it's bad enough that im not in england [AS I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE] =[ so i am going to create me own little party grawr. also. i need a JOB i've litterally applied to 5 or more places...but i havent heard anything from them. i applied to coffee bean once and a lady called me the next week saying that i got the job. i was qualified and everything. and then she goes "okay...call me monday and we'll schedule an appointment." so what did i do? called her monday. tuesday. wednesday. and then my thrusday i was just like "fuck it" and i left messages to! with my name and number!! ughh so now i need to write a complaint to coffee bean...which sucks...because i actually LIKED coffee bean until they fucking SHORT CHANGED ME OUT OF A JOB. fucking bastards. ...im angry today... im going to bed