No matter who we are and what we do, we all have the ability to be a hero. We can be to a stranger, a friend, a family member, a community and should we work so hard to deserve it, one day the World. I realise however that as often fits the bill of a hero, we all have those feelings, those deep and heart-felt purposes of our life which we wish we could say to those who we care about most, but for reasons of grandeur, we don't. The truth though is that we either do find the strength to admit all and find ourselves stronger for it, or as is even harder to do, is understand that instead of succumbing to feeling burdened, to realise that we are the person who CAN embrace the struggle and become the light to our own darkness. This is what makes us the hero in the first place. It never was meant to be easy being you and that's why only you can be what you deserve to be.

What's to be scared of when love is in a name? When love travels to a continent to live life to it's fullest. And when two heart's listen to the force that compels an ocean to narrow into a mere, foot deep puddle with the sole destiny of its existence being that of which two young otherwordly adults, can release their inner child, to for a small and glorious moment, stamp into the puddle with all their heart's strength, happiness, and carefree surrender. Of course, the puddle in this instance is an analogy, for what was and still is an ocean between the two beating heart's of this couple, but is now in fact, in hindsight and understanding, nothing more than a carefree choice of which to surrender the whims of their heart's to, whenever they do choose to play in - or over - puddles, as some do; and as we must. It's a well known fact how much we both enjoy the rain. Like the water we give freely to seeds so to nurture growth and beauty; nature's holy rain is too a presence that nurtures, and cleanses our hearts' for humble and spiritual enchantment. To speak of true love, and a test that says you do. What greater test is there than that of distance between the beating of two longing heart's and bodies? To surrender to what's physically in front of you, sure; but to surrender the will of your heart, mind, body and soul, to a presence so afar, and that's yet still felt strongly within the core of your own emotional reasoning. To trust emphatically, and to dream, to hope and work hard, undiscouraged to the path of soon again being in the aspect of the one you love, so that your lasting imagination is once again that of a surviving reality of the love - the true love - that you hold for this person; and they for you. If it weren't for you my darling, I wouldn't have taken as much notice of the world that I have been gifted to live in. But you took my heart accordingly. And now you have it placed firmly within the core of your own heart. I am yours; every part of me. I only understand forever. I'll maintain a perfect heartbeat alongside your own, so that forever will be the only thing we know. 'I love you' are the utmost choice of words spoken between two people in complete and irrevocable love with one another. The word love is to proclaim the surrender one has for another, be it in heart, mind, body, or soul, but commonly and more significantly, and rarely should it ever be otherwise, indeed all. So my darling sweetheart.. to fill the moments of when I don't express to you so, so that there may never be a moment or more when you won't know I do; I love you. "I, my heart, surrender myself to the will of you, of us, no matter what challenge, for there is no challenge greater than distance, than that of only the resistance of our love, for which that can not be possible. The universe has spoken and since made it clear, that it would not accept anything less from us, than for our heart's and our body's, to be intertwined eternally. Not only for the good and grace of our own live's, but for the hope of other's too".

Lord, shall I give in now? Is this yet the lesson learnt for the disobedience my heart has shown to you? Are you challenging me for my worth to you? Or is the devil's beautiful temptation daring to consume me further? The heart's death already a resurrected shadow of true love's lost ways; I love myself and all earthly and bodily desires. For what I have become, tear from me the undeserving limbs of receiving grace and compel my heart to a damned eternity; Lord, if only.

Last week Monday I started my first day of paid work, EVER! I had spent the six months prior to that day preparing and persevering for a job in London, and in the last month, the universe as we so elaborately like to announce it, had switched into top gear for me. Things were moving quickly in a positive manner, but the more success I had in getting closer to that ever elusive job, the more things were also becoming negative; however, such is the unexpected nature of habitual persistence, that in the space of 48 hours, I went from a man doggedly enduring the struggles of life, to someone who got the job he clearly deserves, and in the most perfectly metropolitan built area he always dreamed of, but most of all, with the opportunity to work hard, and earn hard. In the professional world of work, I am now known as a Sales Executive for a company whose aim is to sell international events to the Director’s of medium to large businesses worldwide. And a possibly pleasant perk of the job, is that from time to time, I will get to travel to these events. I must admit, I initially felt inclined to refuse the job for what it is – sales, MONEY, and a life least forgotten in the potential depths of working after hours for many a night. My only comfort in such a life – if indeed that’s what my life becomes – is the knowledge that I’d be as committed to any other job I’d be fortunate to deserve. So I accept my newfound destiny in life. Or so I thought. Come the end of the first week, my heart had become rotten with the much expected traits of being a salesperson. I tried to believe it isn’t a place where you have to leave your heart outside before entering the building, but the truth of the matter is you do. That aside, each day I manage to sneak my heart past security at the front desk, but what an environment I leave it exposed to. Lies, money, more lies, and more money; admittedly there’s a rare moment of kindness from some of the Director’s you have to speak to, but quite frankly, the majority are pretentious, corporate sharks with love for one thing and one thing alone; greed. Greed doesn’t stop to contemplate the needs of others. No, it merely says, I don’t have the time for anything except myself. I am not myself and I will not do business with those who care for only themselves. In taking this job, I’ve become the very person I wanted to live for, but for all the wrong reasons. I have become lonely and the benefit of the job – money – is all for me. I am sickened by such a thought of doing something that benefits me. It’s not at all courageous, not at all honest, nor just. Especially as I have little that I need money for, for instance a family, or girlfriend. Withstanding the necessities such as food and drink and a roof over my head, there’s truly no other reason for me to need money, or more so money of the calibre that this job seems to suggest I will earn, and with luck and hard work probably would. But I’m not money motivated. I don’t want it. Sometimes I get confused by whether I want things easy, whether I am indeed so lazy, or instead, that such is the fight in my heart for what I want, I’ll go to the edges of extreme measure to make sure I achieve them. My heart is stubborn, but why not? Why conform to what is said can’t be done? Don’t ever tell me something can’t be done. The only thing that stops me in this instance from letting my heart breathe again is the distraction – attraction even – of another heart. I met a woman on my first day of work; when on the train. We actually knew one another online before meeting, but as we both work in London we get the train together on occasion, most usually in the evenings. It didn’t take me long to spill my heart’s desire for her and to my surprise the feeling was mutual, but such is my luck, her heart already belongs to that of another. That didn’t stop us getting very close in these last two weeks, almost so close that we pushed the boundaries of infidelity. Before such dared to happen however, our hearts’ understood that such is not the just way to earn what either of us might eventually deserve. Hopefully each other. I admit that it hurts to be wanted by the heart of another, but to know I might have to wait to the point where waiting turns into never. And instead, this hope of love becomes yet another tease of what I may never have. A reminder perhaps of what I shouldn’t become – of what I mustn’t become. Or am I just so stubborn that I will never learn to repress already learnt ways? The hardest part of being strong enough to know that love isn’t for you, is in knowing that you have to hold back how much of your heart you show to people for fear that they’ll want you and can’t have you. They will never understand as they weren’t raised to know the same needs as yours. I want to believe I don’t have to be so strong that I forget those new in my life. But I don’t want to become what I can’t be; not without there being a just reason. Not without there being someone for me to love. Otherwise I’m just a lonely man in a world I’ll never understand.

‘I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees; find a way to lie, about a home I’ll never see’. While trying to make sense of what and why I’ve been feeling emotionally worn lately, it all became quite clear when I heard the above lyrics from ‘Five for Fighting’s, Superman’. I’ve wanted so much in this past week for my heart to cry and not feel forced that it must be strong. I’ve wanted to fall to my knees in desperation, but again my heart won’t let me; all because of a place I can’t see, yet in my heart, call home. I feel I’m in a place where I don’t belong, and that this home I want so badly to go back to is now the home I’ll have to make do with here in this world. The hardest obligation in doing so is living among people whom I don’t quite seem to share the same needs with; yet while I’m sure and know there’s a few that I do, I feel it unlikely I’ll ever find them. The idealistic and unwavering echoes of my long surrendered heart often remind me I’m different and that I shouldn’t become what I’m not. It’s not a mystery to be lived, or a problem to be solved, but instead a destiny to accept. I grew up with the understanding that we all have a cross to carry throughout our lives. But all I really feel is the grandiose cape hanging on my back from off my heart’s compelled and intangible power to do what’s right. It’s not a misguided purpose, but an unmistakable strength given to the likes of each and every one of us in this duration on earth we call life. I did after all beg God to be this person; maybe I wouldn’t be at such a loss or need to appear enigmatic if I hadn’t been shown life with such clarity; but then if that were true, my heart wouldn’t be what it is now. My heart has become infatuated with the loveliness of another, but even your smile acts like Kryptonite to my heart by where an uncontrollable and agonising yell dares to consume me; to bring me to my knees even such is the intensity of my foolish yet determined admiration - I can only allow myself to feel so close to you until I’m brought to a paralysed condition. I fret temptation and how much my heart can really handle. Perhaps reticence and old ways is best adhered to. I have never felt free from the secrecy of my heart, despite its best efforts, but sometimes... ...sometimes freedom is in knowing you’ll never really be free - that what would make you so is instead what you sacrifice – and is otherwise called acceptance; but do forgive me father for I am not yet ready to acquaint destiny with the aforementioned word. I do not want to be conquered by what I feel makes me different. And how naive of me to think I really have the choice. 'You have made the depth of my heart grow fonder, and newly found is the love I have to offer. Might my heart and love be yours to claim if fate is indeed so practical'.

Do you not know what I am? Do you not know what the closeness of your heart does to me? Why must you forlorn my heart with that of what it shall never surrender to? If only you could feel what I feel, would you then see the reasons to keep away, and forget me as I could only ever pretend to forget you. Except your naivety misguides you – your trust won over by my empathetic charm; do you really think you’ll be able to escape me? Harder still is not knowing if I’ll escape you. I never asked to be this monster thirsting for a heart. How insufferable it is to want what is not mine to take; not even by offer. Consumed by the beautiful sin of my own thought, I find it hard to sleep at night as reality slowly turns me into a confused, nocturnal creature. I am no longer just a monster yearning for your selfless beauty. I’ve become the very lost part of myself; a beast within a beast; I’ve become human, and I feel weaker than ever before. Why must love dare to conquer me? I beg of you, let me be.

I’m not too sure if it’s the effect of my week long tiredness, or that coupled with the various blend of lively and morose music I’m listening to right now, but I’m finding it rather hard to write without my thought process being interrupted; it took me twenty minutes at least to try and finish this sentence. I had a job interview in London earlier this week - on Wednesday in fact, for a company named ‘acquisition though online marketing’, or more appropriately called ‘Atom42’. After four persevering months without an interview, this one single opportunity reminded me just how easy it actually is to be offered a chance of showing the more elaborately positioned businessmen - and women of this world, how good you would be for their company’s ego. To do just that, I spent a few days before the interview regurgitating the advertising knowledge I half-heartedly learnt while at University and in doing so was further reminded how tea is also a substance of caffeine; I did not envy still being wide awake come 4am the morning of my interview. Nevertheless, I’m sure the combination of nerves and excitement alone would’ve resulted in an equally inadequate amount of sleep. I woke up on time, so as far as I was concerned, it was a morning going well. I spent the hour’s journey to London listening to calm music and repeating in my mind everything I had studied regarding ‘Search Engine Marketing’ – the position I had applied for. The location of Atom42’s office was close to the heart of London’s main shopping arena, Oxford Circus, and was surrounded by other grandly designed buildings which were home to a popular Fashion Academy and also other specialised advertising agencies. London is primarily (seriously, could I get any more formal?) where I’ve been looking for work as one, it’s London – capital city; two, because the opportunities are greater and the third is because I have the personal ambition to work there so to see more of the world as I travel to work, as opposed to commuting within the nearby area as I have been for the last several years of my life. The interview went as well as it possibly could for the experience and knowledge I had to offer, but I’m not fully confident I will have a positive reply from them. The opportunity was pleasant nonetheless and I was able to walk out with my head held high knowing I had tried, and I certainly won’t stop trying for what I want. It felt like a good warm up at the least, but I’d like to believe whether I do hear from them with good news or not, that there’s still something greater to come. As I left Atom42’s office, I had a small yet satisfying taste of hindsight. I don’t know what it feels like to have the perfect ‘dream’ job, but I’d like to think you know you have, when you find your mind has at long last stopped daydreaming about what or where you should be in life. My dream job is to help people, because the gifts of doing so I find come to me rather naturally and I can't thank God enough for not needing or wanting anything else, except this will. But, as God tends to do, nothing worth having is ever without challenge and so I'd like to believe prosperity is waiting for me, if where I am right now is proving this worthwhile of my preparation, patience and perseverance. I find for now that I understand the full meaning of finding yourself and I realise that it will take an even greater amount of time and hard work until I get to the place where I can at long last, embrace my own personal happiness. Keep cheerful J

The only way to have faith in what you don't know, or can't see, is by having faith in yourself through God's supreme power. And when you do, you embrace the knowledge of life's sublime simpleness and become the person who is, can and always was the light of the world to see.

Five minutes past the eleventh hour at night, as I calmly sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" - yes, a little strange - and I'm feeling it timely and appropriate to write a new entry. I blogged very little in 2009 compared to my usual rate of blogging and for an avid writer, I can't say I approve. Admittedly, I also find it rather distasteful to be writing about a season already somewhat over; though seeing as the snow doesn't seem to be bothered; for now, neither shall I. I'll begin by taking a retrospective look at what the festive celebrations taught and reminded me. First of all, it taught me sick people should have the kind etiquette to stay away from healthy people. I spent the week leading up to Christmas with a rather unwelcome body aching, bowel churning and head hurting illness, to which I'm sure I can thank one of my sister's Mommy friends. It may have been Christmas, a celebrated time of giving, but I was certainly not grateful for receiving this lady's germs and I can assure you I did not send her a ‘thank you' note. Though I'm not a sucker for the commercial aspect of Christmas, I do have fun shopping for presents people hope to receive. Most of the fun was spent on what to get my nephews, but I spared some fun for the adults as I love bringing out the kid at heart. For my elder nephew however, I wanted to get him an mp3 player so he could start listening to his growing collection of music in a more portable and personal way. Actually, not at all expecting it, he loved the mp3 and listens to it at every opportunity he gets. For my younger nephew, I didn't have anything particular I wanted to get him - my sister made sure of everything he wanted - so I searched around thinking about what occupies his attention. Eventually I came to the rational decision that he'd love a Toy Story remote control car, included with both Buzz and Woody figurines. Unwrapping his present on Christmas day, no thought spared for the wrapping paper, I watched as his little cherub face smiled with satisfaction. The enjoyment was indeed a gratifying moment for me also. I won't list what I got the elders; that's rather unnecessary. Instead, I was reminded how no matter our age, there's still a child within, hoping and dreaming of something that we've always wanted, but maybe never received. Sometimes we give just for giving's sake and at times we allow ourselves to be in a rush when searching for something we hope will be meaningful. So while they say it's the thought that counts, the thought is well and truly the notion, that what we really give as a well thought-out present is the utmost of our love. That's the true gift of giving and receiving, and one that should be celebrated the whole year through. Before Christmas day mind you, I went to midnight mass. In fact, it was the first time I had attended mass since the midnight mass the year before. Anticipating church each Sunday but never actually going, I began to sense just how quickly time passes. I always wondered whether my relationship with God became a little distant the more I skipped mass. Was it enough to still pray on a daily basis or was I slowly losing faith? And was God still waiting to catch me in the event of a trip and fall? It became clear in my heart that the more I was away from God; the more he was allowing me to fend for myself. No matter how strong I feel I am, I'll always be a great deal stronger with God's loving hands over my heart. For this reason, I am reminded that I must make a stronger effort to attend mass; because I know without it, I'm neglecting an integral part of my faith, spirituality and my love of God. After all, one cannot see the bigger picture in the world if lacking all the necessary tools to get there. Skipping the rest of Christmas day and the days which followed, then came New Years day; my family's celebrations turned out not to be anything too inspiring this year, which is of course a shame. I feel like my family often miss the point actually, as if with their withering age, so too are their spirit. Perhaps it's the optimist in me, the romanticist even - and I'm sure this is a general consensus - but I like to see New Year's as a resurgence of hope for everything we want to achieve in life. And as an opportunity to forget all the things we want to leave behind, it's also an opportunity to regain all the things we might've lost. One thing New Year did remind me though, is how we can make the same mistakes in the New Year as we did the year before. An easy habit to fall into and perhaps a sign of lessons never really being learnt; but an untold gift of this fresh start we call the New Year, is that everything we are and everything we can do is blessed with each new day given to us. And I guess that's my resolution for the year ahead; to keep making the most of each day and of my god given life. So while I may have missed a toast to the New Year, here's a toast to what's still a fairly new, 2010. Not all things will be welcome; but never let the bad stop you from still seizing the day. Until soon again, Someguy

I've always personally felt that the greatest portrayal of beauty in a woman is the kind where you struggle to shy away. Compelled to look, the fear of your infatuation is made transparent as you try to hide each brief moment you look away in regret that you'll never witness such beauty again. Fascinated by knowing beauty could be so impossibly infinite, your heart surrenders in merciful demand. Though not the first, I recently found this notion of beauty in a young woman. Her hair was an indulgence to each of my senses. Her eyes were gentle and unaware. Her cheeks perfectly round to fit a palms embrace. I watched peacefully as her mouth lingered open in curiosity of the evening ambience. I felt a smile stretching in the corners of my heart. There was a kindness in the soul of this young woman I'd been captivated by. She was unassuming of being beautiful. I could tell by the way she graced a person's presence with her innocent expression. I'd not feel it worthy to write what my heart has to say if her beauty had not been so modest. Yet, there's truly little I can say. My heart only wanted to keep smiling and to consume the love found in her beauty. I was filled with a sincere feeling of regret when her absence was near, but took comfort as her beauty became instilled in my memory. Age will not define beauty. Beauty is undying in the heart that is pure, for its guise of eloquent features is a sign of where true beauty is best kept concealed - the human heart. An older woman is called to mind this time. Mature and sophisticated, her beauty likely to have grown with every whim of her heart's desires, successes and as is life; failures. As I listened to her soft spoken voice I felt charmed by the firm sparkle in her eyes, and yet I could still taste her nervousness. She tried to appear strong, but her heart hides behind the remains of her untouched beauty. And though I felt empathetic, I know her beauty may flourish infinitely still. Beauty in the heart of another is truly many things, if only you watch keenly. All beauty asks of you however, is that you handle it with care.

The saying often goes that it's not what we say that defines us, but rather what we do. Of which then I must be a fake? I've yet to live up to my own standards and it doesn't help when you lose yourself along the way. Am I indulging in a small allowance to feel sorry for what I've become or is this written piece a mere thought for exaggerated purposes, knowing full well that of all which I say I am, a writer is indeed one of them? Maybe I am a fake, or perhaps I'm just contemplating a little self doubt. In writing it's said you write what you know; therefore I'll often write about the trials and ideals of life in the pursuit of what it is to love. Not love for oneself mind you, but a love for the greater good and of that with another. You see, it's often said that I'm a good writer. However, my title and previous comments aren't to reflect my own questioned or 'what someone else has said' ability to write. It's much more than this. It's a metaphor for the recent feeling of having lost myself - my identity - the ideals for the greater good and that there exist people who are in such need. Without an identity of which to be called upon, what in life can we stand up for? I've lost my stand. I feel my heart is not quite the same as I patiently, though eagerly search for the ideals which once formed my identity. Without these ideals and understanding, I feel fake. Now I'm just a man full of past enduring trials, who lacks the answers to fight for those who endure their own trials. I feel rendered as incapable and I only have normality to blame. Pearl S. Buck, a Pulitzer Prize winning author, once said that "the person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration". I am this man. I've seen and known this all too well, because often I am the culprit. Confusing, hurting and losing those who were once - and some still - a dear friend because of my misguided sense of destiny. If only they understood and if only had I. Loneliness was my solace. It was my essence for a life worth living. Easy to see then how other's would get confused and hurt. Out of humour, so often too was I - and I still do. A person is a brand wouldn't you believe? A rational and yet gross manner of which to exist, though one I would consider very effective in the pursuit for an identity and furthermore, success. Who we are at our heart's core is essentially the defining factor of our purpose in life. Our vision is our identity. Without it we lose ourselves. I've always been one to believe in infinite possibility, but loneliness was always my choice for the reason that you can only give so much before a sacrifice has to be made. Loneliness reminds me why I'm here. It reminds me that the 'greatest poverty in this world is that of loneliness'. The very thing which is my life. It is the world I see. And it is the world I've always felt the need and will to help. As an actual writer, I'm only as good as what you the reader says. But as a man wanting to help the world, it was that core feeling of loneliness which was my identity. And it will be found again. "Loneliness accepted becomes a gift leading one from a life dominated by tears to the discovery of one's true self and finally to the heart of longing and the love of God". [Author unknown].

"Two years ago I once lived for a woman with a broken heart, a discouraged mind, and a lost soul. Yet her beauty penetrated through in rare smiles, infrequent though, joyful dances and always in her calm overwatching stillness. But when she died, my heart was scarred eternally..." Two years today have passed since when my heart shattered beautifully in a sudden moment of realisation; a realisation of what would never again be and of what I would have to live up to. Consciously plagued by saddened memories, I find it hard to escape my contemplative reality of what was an enduring love. Of all the unindated ways to idealise the meaning of destiny, I purely wonder, do we bring destiny upon ourselves? An act of given choices, right? I've always believed that our challenges in life is God's way of presenting us with the opportunity to rise up to what we know - and want - to be. Then if so, I have failed thus far. Perhaps I have not been willing enough. As I spend a majority of the day's timely allowance, I often see all too clearly the life before us. How quickly it can be taken from us, how quickly it can pass and how suddenly it can change - when we're willing and even when we are not. What is it that get's the better of us when we fail life's earnest challenges? I'd be lying if I didn't admit in not knowing what to believe in any longer. I've always believed in the capacity to achieve a state of infinite possibility. And I've always believed in pure, heart worthy ideals to benefit the good of mankind. But does anyone really need saving anymore? Or has the emotions of the humans befalling me, brought my heart's will to a state of disillusion? I feel a darkness has descended upon me by where my will in life has become obscure in thought. The attempt to see my own life bears little in the way of worth and I falter at every possible reasoning to believe anything I could do would prove to make a difference for other's. I question myself not to be lost, but of what it is I feel I have lost - my heart's irrevocable will to give the world the hope it deserves; to believe that life is just and that the ideals which exist in life to help the world achieve their god given gift for the good of mankind, can be found. In life, we will lose many things dear to us, whether at challenges or people of all beloved sorts, but there is nothing lost that can't be found again. Above all, the most important thing we should never lose, is our will to be who we know we can be. Loving you always my dear mother, for not only did you give me life; you gave me a life of which to lead. 'The world shall inherit hope in memory of the one who needed it most'.

When I look at you, I’m rendered speechless. My thought is inspired; captivated even. And my heart yearns to the desire found in knowing you’re beautiful. I gaze upon your eternal elegance and find myself contemplating the notion of beauty being impossibly infinite. But you’re so. Your beauty is possible and your delicate aura gives a new sense of meaning to life. A single look has turned into infatuation. I dare wish to taste beauty’s sweetness. To place my lips a mere breath away from yours. Notice the faint coldness in my breath as I make your lips tingle to a dryness, which only my kiss can replenish. It’s said that a woman is beautiful not for her supreme figure, but for the way in which her heart beats. Softly, thoughtfully, emotionally, intensely; a woman is beautiful to a heart’s touch. Beauty is what the eye’s see. Love is when the heart decides to follow.

We have the imagination to believe we can be and do all that we want to be and do. The intricate details of life will often attempt to take this imagination away, but we should never let our imagination be taken from us. Our imagination gives our life purpose, meaning and ideals of which to stand up for; a vision that enables us to make a difference to nurture the imagination's of others. Life - it is what comes to your mind. It’s what you see of it and it’s what you make of it. Life is what you want it to be and the beauty of life is that you are the one with the difference in mind. No other person has the imagination to make this difference, but you.

Of late, life has felt a little different to how it would usually feel for me. A full feeling of optimism, a higher power and the will to live for a greater good all seem to be a distant memory to the emotions I feel today. Souless and empty is how I presently feel. Though I'm sure these feelings are just exaggerated by last night's lack of sleep. "Destiny is achieved by given choices". A quote of William Bryan I can't help but bring to mind everyday if not at most moments of each given day. The quote becomes a lot to take in the more you repeat it to yourself. Now imagine the attempts in actually trying to make the choices that will take you to an achieved destiny. The ability to keep making such choices - the right choices - is further enduring to say the least; though it's said nothing comes easy. Today I achieved what I would call a 'moment of destiny', because of the choice to pursue my ever apparent ability to have an imagination. I had an 'informal' meeting with 'cfa', a nearby advertising agency. The meeting was to discuss the possibility of organising a work experience placement so I can begin to build a portfolio of practical experience to compliment the not so unexpected mediocre degree I'll soon receive. The meeting did go rather well, but last night's inadequate sense of sleep resulted in a dull tone to my morning, which I could've done without ("stop complaining, Jose"). I attended the 'informal meeting' dressed in no less than a tie, silk cotton white shirt with blue stripes and smart black trousers. The 'Head of Digital' at cfa whom I met, was dressed in what appeared a metrosexual black v-neck t-shirt, olive green shorts and flip flops; all a mere thought for my amusement compared to what I was dressed in. "The will to win is nothing without the will to prepare" said the film 'Speed Racer' and said Juma Ikangaa. I've spent much of the last few days preparing myself with all the knowledge I could so the meeting would not fall short of me bringing something witty and intellectually impressive to the table. Regardless, much of what I did prepare myself for, didn't particularly come up at all, but I didn't lose out. The knowledge will be of much value to a hopeful and unexpected 'next time' in the event I further pursue my ability to have an imagination and thus attend interviews at other adverstising agencies. I should be so lucky. The meeting ended seemingly with the question of "to be or not to be" - thank you Shakespeare - as an apparent unindated number of existing placements and client briefs meant the 'Head of Digital' at CFA would have to get back to me to let me know when and if he would be able to fit me into his apparently busy schedule. Whether he will or won't remains to be known, however, today's moment of destiny yet again opened me up to the realisation as I asked myself, "is this really what I want"? What ever we may do in life, we ultimately live up to a responsibility for what we choose to do and I'm not certain the responsibility of being a 'suit' is the responsibility I'm after. With passion do I loathe conformity; I detest not being my own boss, to not do of my own will and be free in what it is I care to do. I loathe to think because of what someone else wants me to think rather than what I myself need to think in order to reach prosperity in my heart. I see today through hindsight how hard it really is to be what we want in life. That the choices we make is often what determines whether we'll achieve what we want to be or not. If we were to wonder how the great are where they're today, it's likely because as children and through life, they made noble choices to resist the urges not of their heart so to achieve the destiny of where they wanted to be today. If we are sitting today wondering what should've been, either it's a question of the fact we didn't resist those urges or the fact that our destiny is yet to be achieved by a few more given choices, all of which we should expect to be enduring. What today really reminded me though, is that in life, we should do what we know, which is when we feel a will to pursue our heart's knowledge. To make the right choices of what we know is one thing. Whether we make the right choices in achieving the ultimate of what we know, is another. Only then can we say we've found our destiny. The beautiful thing about destiny, however, is that it's what you make of it. And yes... cfa did get back to me - with good news.

I along with a number of friends had just finished our first exam of the 'exam season'. Relief sighed its way through the exit of the university hall as we left individually and others, side by side. Expressions made it clear to see we had all just taken a step closer to finally finishing University after three enduring years. Heart felt emotions were building in anticipation of this eagerly awaited reality. Perhaps we were too eager. After discussing where to go next, myself and the few friends I was with departed to a table in the University canteen, fitting more to our table than seemed wise, but we managed and in doing so it brought a warm sense of unison. As we sat eating lunch, talking of how we felt our exams went, a woman who had sat next to me instead talked to me endearingly about her passion for music. Soon however, her passion of which she seemed realistic, turned into a somber, what if? So often when we have a passion we're pursuing, life will look us deep in the heart and say, "no", and we listen. We let our imagination get taken away from us. The conversation I had with this woman inspired me to write the following to her as so taken back was I by what she said, I couldn't help but further observe and think of just how ready she might be to give up what she so passionately wants. "I want you to remember one thing though; We were never destined to lead a mediocre life. What we do from here will be for the rest of our life and so if you want music, then I tell you, it's already yours. You don't have to be a professional to be the best; professional is a qualification, a tag, a sheet of paper saying you're priviledged to make a difference; no. You already are a musician, a singer, a composer, because the qualification and the priviledge to make a difference, it's already inside of you; we call it having heart. It's what separates each and every one of us". For some of us in life, the dreams we want were often the dreams we always had but chose not to give time to; perhaps we felt we had to give them up. Dreams are elusive and so they escape us when we let go. The beauty is in what we give so to hang onto them. Whether we live up to it or not, we all have a responsibility also, a responsibility which we might tend to believe prevents us from wanting what we actually have; but to remind you, we already have the dream we want. Our responsibility is in how we hold on to the dreams we want so to make the difference that can be made. Without our dreams, we lose our heart and our true purpose for living. The responsibility in holding on to your dream is having heart.

There’s a grandiose saying in life, that when we work for what we want, the universe will conspire to help us achieve what it is we are working for. Though what about when we appear to be getting what we don’t; is the universe in fact conspiring still, though against us undeservingly in the midst of our apparent misfortune? It's beautiful to surround the given choices of our life with an apparent aura, or mystique, of how the choices we make in life parallels harmoniously the desires of success and happiness we so insufferably long for and which in hindsight, only few ever really achieve. Or perhaps instead how when we feel doomed, the aura and mystique of our given choices are seemingly making us feel only capable of failure and an unwilling ability to persevere for those ever unreachable desires of success and happiness. Self pity aside, we shouldn’t be so cynical. To trust until given a reason not to; has the universe really conspired against me to show me that actually, there aren't many people in this World who can be trusted. Simple actions, choices even of a few who I thought dear to me, to act in an unrelenting way to of made me feel that those who I thought I could trust, I in fact can’t. Trust is the ability to ‘be there’ I’ve always believed and if the universe does conspire then karma has served justice for its own reason. What goes around comes around and so better the reason that I should’ve known not to trust myself in letting people – these people - get close to me; after all, I’m not like them, am I? Amusing it is then that an apparent karma can come around without reason, but as individuals, do we need a reason not to trust or is the choice of not doing so simply reason enough? Is the choice because we don't trust ourselves, maybe? Does it inspire to see life in a grandiosely romanticised way? Perhaps, but the ability to trust is nothing grandeur than a mere choice. Sometimes we see the reasons why we shouldn't trust others, but at times we aren't given reasons often because it's the other person who can't trust themselves; only they know the reason and only sometimes are they willing to say why. I always wanted to be 'there', but the choice in my heart and mind that I couldn't, it unintentionally brought mistrust not only to those whom I care about, it also brought mistrust to me. There came a belief and a sudden realisation that without making the choice to be who I am, I would only ever continue to hurt people and lose their trust because of not being able to make that choice - the choice of living up to my responsibility in sacrifice of what I felt I always wanted. I've given people a reason not to trust me and I've given myself a reason not to let others trust me by not letting people get close to me because of the inability to believe that I wouldn't eventually hurt them. When you have responsibilities, sometimes you have to make a sacrifice and for me, the sacrifice was in knowing I had to make a choice at all. I've made this choice now to live up to my responsibility and I don't expect anyone to ever understand what my heart endures to wonder why I seemingly gave in. I can only hope that the goodness of my heart will prevail in giving trust to others and to help others trust in life and the good that it brings if only we choose to see it.

I assume this entry to be another personal one, updating any one who may read this of what's been lingering in my mind and leaning steadily on my heart. As mentioned in my previous entry, University is soon finishing and from a real sense will be finished in two weeks. I'll either then be beginning a life long dream or working in hope of finding another. Dream or work, work or a dream; the illusion of what's possible still makes me struggle not with action, but with thought, thought that the action will be certain to make the dream come true. Nothing though is ever guaranteed to us no matter how hard we are to work; but that's the beauty of perseverance. If you want something bad enough, you'll keep trying regardless hoping eventually that you'll get what you've been working for. Though I'm very sure there're, I don't know of many 21 year olds who've lost both of their parents so early in their lives. I lost my father when I was 18 and my mother when I was 20. I'm still yet to be out in the real world as the saying often goes and I've found at times recently how I miss them being there for me, not to advise me without me needing to ask, but, to just be there for me to release my want for needing a parent to talk to about life, whether what's said was in a long hug to help lessen the heaviness of one's own heart or whether its what's said in a simple saying as "how you doing today Pop's" so to know what my old man is thinking about in his old age, hoping maybe that his own contemplativeness might pass on some worthwhile wisdom for the travels of my own life. Saying that I wish they were still around though is interesting in some respects as they rarely advised me through words and noble sayings; all the values they taught me was from how I saw them live their own lives, but I still wish they could be here; to see my mom's beautiful smile, a smile which could brighten up any person's day - even if they didn't need to be; to see my dad again and the straight, hard-built stance he had as if he were always ready to take on the world in mindful fashion. It is a little hard to remind yourself you're capable of the responsilbity upon you when knowing you're the only one who can make the difference and be responsible by making the decisions which will make that difference. I therefore in this moment dedicate this entry to my parents whose lives have given me the responsibility that I find bestowed upon me today. For those who're blessed and have their parents in their lives still, the only true thought I can pass on is to forgive them for the daily or weekly mistakes they might make; parents are human too, remember. You can love them to the full, but when the inevitable does come, you still won't realise exactly what you had until they've gone. That however is what makes parents so special; they're irreplaceable.

Its been a while, in fact a pretty long time since I last updated in here and I mean in a personal sense as opposed to the usual thought-provoking – and hopefully – inspiring kind of entry; but here I am and I’ve brought thoughts with me too to write up, or rather type up on this digital sheet of paper; if the computer age is so awesome, I dare you computer to just absorb my thoughts onto this page for me so I need not type and that my hope for articulate literature may for once actually exceed what I strive for every time I do indeed type in here! Can’t do it? Thought so! Hello everyone… anyone? …someone! There you are! So University life is soon escaping me. Will I miss University life I wonder? Ha, Hardly! Though I still in fact remember writing in here after my very first day of my last year only several months ago and here I am again, writing to where in essence I've already finished with exception of a few exams and a report to which I’m still hastily writing… in between breaks of course… very long breaks! Two, wait! Three things people will go to University for; to study is the foremost but indeed the last in priority for some. To meet new friends and lastly, to party hard! Very basically put perhaps, so to hype up the University life a little, it’s where we go to start a new. Cliché I would say, but indeed it’s a fresh start. We leave the old selves behind and begin new lives, making new friends and hopefully keeping old ones along the journey which is to last a few years… they’ll go quicker than you care to realise. So if you hear the words, “enjoy the experience while you can”… my advice with a big fat exclamation mark… really do live it up! I’m glad to say I lived it up! Three years studying Advertising Management with Marketing; sound like fun? It was. I care not even to write my memories down for my words wouldn’t do the memories justice! Times are soon changing though and out into the ‘real world’ we’ll all finally be, hoping that our three years of hard work (if you can actually call it that) will pay off by being able to find us an exciting and well paying job. For me though I won’t yet be looking for a job. I’ve got other priorities and yet all that’s on my mind is whatever does eventually happen, I know it will be for the rest of my life; that’s a lot to think about perhaps. I do think about how things will work out, what I will be doing in two months from now, a year from now even. Will I be successful and happy; only time will tell, but… whatever I do end up doing, I have in the back of my mind the very thing I’ve wanted all throughout life so far, someone to live my life with; someone whom I can live my life for. One of the best places I find this is whenever I go grocery shopping. The families or young couples I see and the happiness of them doing something together which though small still has so much meaning. The adventure young children get when being able to tag along with their parents if not just their mom or dad, helping with the grocery shopping by putting the items in the shopping cart along the way. Little debates the young couples have about whether an item would be good for dinner, whether an item was actually needed because neither of them can remember whether they already have it, though still decide to buy it anyways. When I’m grocery shopping and I see this, any priority I have disappears and this feels my only priority. I hope for the same kind of happiness where one day I may have a family of my own - a beautiful wife and darling children. If in life I am blessed to have my own family, then this would be the best thing to have ever happened to me.

What if I left my lips to gently linger over yours where could you feel the warmth of my breath cling to your lips; should I then move one last step closer to you with my hand gripping the side of your body that my lips follow suit with yours. I would say before the chance to taste all that is you, "a kiss on your lips would be to swim in a river that leads me to your heart", but only a special man should have such honour and I'm not that man. To only the glance of your left and right cheeks should my lips be allowed to firmly embrace your sweetness and a lasting kiss upon your brow to gently speak to you of the ways in which I might adore you. Should a woman's lips be yours to kiss then kiss her for an eternity.