WOw 14 i started writing in this journal.. now i am 20.. 6 years.. went by..

Well in the past 6 years i have pretty much lost it all.. health, money, friends, family, and happiness.

I would give up anything to go back to how life was..I look back and it had to be a dream or it was a dream because this is pure hell. Everday was like christmas morning.. i have things to look forward too.. either every week day or month there was something exciting or meaningful live brought.. NOw it is all problems..One struggle after another with no breaks in between.. Right when i feel just A tiny bit happy, or even on little drop of hope the rollercoaster of misery starts again..

I miss having a boyfriend, and a best friend thats a sister, i miss having a family that was happy, my mom looks 6o when she is 40 from all the stess, and my parents barely have money to buy extra food during the week. I miss going on vacations and meeting new europeans and dancing the whole night away in the dior heels...i miss neiman marucs buying whatever i wanted..I miss my dad being happy not looking like hes is on the verge to take a bullet any minute..I miss my tanager house.. the one i grew up in..i miss my dog jerry.. god please take care of jerry i beg you..i miss lexi and gordon and going to the bahamas and having my big group of girl friends.. i miss twin groves..

I miss being julia zubkova..I miss feeling like i can conconqour the world..i miss having hope and ambition..

Sometimes i give up.. give up fighting with this life.. Is it really worth to live in complete misery or just cut the pain away and end it yourself?