That I still miss her, even after all this shit. Everyday I look around and see something that brings back a funny memory, or a warm smile. Like that Valentines we held each other in the dark for, 8 hours? Hardly any words were spoken that night. Perfection. Now that the holidays are closer and closer, I think of the Christmas's past. The time we spent together on those days. The gifts. The hugs, the kisses, the love shared. The times missed. I don't think about the bad much. All my mind seems to focus on are those prescious few moments when I saw nothing but her eyes. Or her smile. Or heard nothing but her voice, or the beat of her heart. When I felt nothing but her love, and her touch. Those times where she filled every sense of my body, and I felt complete, whole. Or even those times I was with another girl, and hung my head low as I might have sex with her, but think about my once true love. I think about those hearts I broke, abandoning them for the one I'd eventually marry. I know I've apologized to them before, but I think I need to again. I'm sorry for that. I don't know if it was ignorance, or denial. Whatever it was, it lead me to hurting you, and that was wrong. But the thing that always ends up on my mind last, is the time lost. The chances missed. What if? If I hadn't met her, where would I be? I had such grand plans. I was going to go to college, become an officer in the United States Air Force, fight over the lands of America's enemies, then streak into space as a NASA astronaut. But now...I can barely get around on a rainy day. Life's so ironic, isn't it? God really must have a sense of humor. But now, I have to figure out what I'm going to do with myself? I've had no callbacks about jobs. No luck with employment. The last thing I want is to work at another McJob (dead end job). I want to start a career! Get my own place, waste my money on alchohol and fast women, then one day find the that one (is it possible to do again?), and become the father I see myself being. A son, few years later, and a daughter in my arms everyday after I come home. Asking me how my day was. Telling me about school, and what they learned. Asking advice on homework, or their latest crush. I want to be that Daddy. The one that's the best in the world. I want to be my children's hero. I want them to know I loved them even now, before I even met their mother. I want to lead a life of good doing. I don't care about fame or any of that. I just want a decent life, with no MORE regrets. When I die, I want to be able to smile, knowing I did good. I want so much...but where the hell do I start? Every avenue's closed, every door shut in my face. It's starting to tick me off. I'm tired of running into brick walls at every turn. I'm running in a maze, trying to find that little slice of cheese at the end. All I seem to find, is dead ends. Oh well. Knock myself off and get back on the saddle? (Damn I hate westerns.) Life's such bullshit. Send me back to highschool! I miss those days. Flirting all day, bullshitting at practice/night school, fucking my current girlfriend, playing video games, eating, then sleeping. That...was heaven, and I didn't even know it. I ignored everyone that said those few years are the best of your life. And it really seems that way. Damn... Beth. I can bear being a friend of yours, if you're willing. I do, really, miss talking to you. I don't know. I've been thinking about calling you, but haven't tried yet. I even thought about asking you to go see a movie with me? Just to have something to do. These white walls have become bars in my eyes. You know what I'm talking about. I guess I'll call...sometime...