Wow...so much has happened since I last wrote. Isn't it strange how life goes on? Isn't it strange how before you know it the end of a period is over and another one is already half way through. Louie will be 3 years old in November, and baby Brayden will be 1 in october. I don't even know if I wrote in here what our lil man's name was going to be...but as you see it is Brayden. I learning how to live again...after mearly surviving for so long. I long for my life to become a better home...and the happyness grows as does God inside my soul as the days go on. I'm learning how to be free and to be a loving mother and wife at the same time. I want to channel my inner thoughts for all to see. I don't care if no one wants to listen and I don't care if people try to hurt me because they will never suceed because I have the lord on my side and I will use his name to move mountains. I want to cause a breakthrough. Alot of people in my life have juged me incorrectly. The believed that juzt because I am ignorant. I may not know how to spell but I can learn. I may not know much about grammer, but I can learn. They can never learn the experiences that I have had, and they can never be me. I want to help make the world a better place again...and I still have no clue how...but I'm working on it. I love incubas...their words really make me think. Their music feels like me...it feels like home. I want to open my arms up to all that I am and who I can be. Everything that I was can wash away. No one is perfict, and believe me I'm far from it...I juzt want to be as close to Jesus and God as I can be. I senceraly want to make a difference, and I don't want to be afraid anymore. With all the horrable things going on in todays life I want to revert back to the past. I want to live from the bible and not from the words of man. I put my faith in God and in my familey...never again will I trust the hands of human kind, for we are an evil creature and must curve our wicked ways. I will embrace love and happyness. I will worship my God, our Lord Jesus Christ and surrender my soul to no man. My heart belongs to James and our souls are ment to be together, but they are owned only by God. I know that I am a walking contradiction sometimes, but that's how you have to be in live to be just and to be balanced. You have to base your life from minent to minent and situation to situation. I lift my life up to you Lord, and let those who will join you and may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven...Amean.

Why do we juzt sit by and watch the innicent die? Why don't we juzt reach out a hand? I can't take this shit anymore. How can people be so uncarring? How can people cause such pain? I don't understand the world or the people who inhabit it. Why must we watch children cry? Why does abuse have to happen over and over again? I can't get the face of that beautiful little girl out of my mind. I saw her on myspace. She was killed by her step father from blunt force to the chest. How could her mother juzt stand by and watch??? What the fuck is wrong with the world??? How the hell could this ever happen? Everything will be gone one day. That little girl is gone. What if she was my child??? What if Kenndal desided that he had to find a way out of child support, or he got mad at Louie??? How can you trust anyone when the world is so cold? And DSS, what the fuck do they know??? They could have killed me plenty of times. They never fucking listen to the children. Why does no one take their side??? I wish that their was something I could do. I juzt don't understand this fucked up world. Why would you ever give a child abuser a second chance??? Why would you ever risk a childs life like that??? Even if they manage to survive, how will they ever trust anyone again? Dss is supose to be their to help children, that's supose to be their man consern. Why do they always seem to side with the parents? Why does no one listen to the children. I know how if feels to be that little girl. I was that little girl. She screamed the same screams that I screamed. She could have been me. Why does no one listen??? Why does no one fucking care??? Their arn't enough tears to shead over juzt her one little life! What about all of the millions of other children who no one would listen to? What about the ones like her who never made it??? What about the ones like me who have to suffer with trust issues with everyone, because no one was there to listen when they were young??? What about the ones like me who fear everyday that someone will hurt them again, and who sometimes even believe that's all they desirve. Why does this have to happen??? Why can't we juzt take it all away??? Why is one time of abuse never enough to make the pain go away forever??? Why arn't children taken away and never giver back the first time??? Why do they always wate until it's too late??? Why does the world allow children to die???

"Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lying in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis 4-Ever I want to be with you forever, yet foragers no such thing. I want to be with you forever, but love is just a game. I want to be with you forever, yet I feel so damn ashamed! How could I have ever looked at another, When forever I've loved you? Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Alive I'm still here world! I still need love! I'm still alive! Open up to me. Show me who you are, Lover of mine. Leap into my arms. Make me whole again. Show me truth, But hide my pain. Vanish this fear in my heart. I want to love you, Whoever you are. I want the right one. I want you. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Ashley Ashley's eyes gaze upon me. From that comfort I do seek. When I hear her speak my name, I feel her lips grays my cheek. No greater beauty in this world, in life or death shall I meet. I cry at night and hope she knows, that it is her love I long to keep. Her soul speaks right to me, for without her I feel so bleak. I cringe to know that she can lay, without me in bed and sleep. Although I droned in pools of tears, my love for her I dare not speak. Her beauty kills me day by day, as lion's kill the week. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Beauty Beauty blinds, the wicked look in her eyes. No tear, she cries, as her mother slowly dies. Murder those who are not right. Make then fear the saviors light. She haunts her prey in the night. Death from touch, there was no fight. Cringe I do, from her icy glare, of hate. Each eye, the key to hell's pits gate. Hand in hand she is my mate. In death, no matter this is my fate. I cry to her, she soothes my sighs. Drowned I do, in her ocean blue eyes. She calls to me, from clouded sky's. In no life shall I tell her lies. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Death Touch Knock on the door, of the ones before, but touch nit the will of life. Build the fire, that's built to burn, but hold back when you feel the heat. Feel the kiss, that draws you in, but never touch her again. Love the girl, that stole your hart, but die as she kills it too. Cry for pain, when she holds you close, but weep when she lets you go. No matter what is done in this life, when life is at it's best, she'll put you down, in the ground. Your death, shall soothe her soul. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Departure Ashley, has left me alone. Her feelings for me, now all gone. When she laid beside me, asleep, Her expectation's, I knew, I could never meet. Now I feel so horribly, ashamed, for this pain, refuses to stray. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Deprived Drive me up the walls. When I sleep I see his face. It comes to me like times before, when I was too young to run away. Afraid, I lye in bed and cry. I know he'll come back soon. But It's not him that hold's me down. I can look past that and be OK. It's the one that knew and never told, how her child was raped by the night. I just wish these thoughts would leave my mind, For, Justus I will never fully receive! Yes, I should have told, what she'll never tell. With this thought, I'm deprived of sleep. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Doors Lonely, from without you. I am hear, only once. Your call, somehow soothes me! Though I never, know quite where. I taste, the liquid flowing, from my heart, and from yours. Sought upon, you are, in my home, of many doors. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis First Sight Ashley, my love I long for you, and oh...the things you put me through. To see your beauty and not touch, I cannot stand, it is too much! I'd fall asleep and cry each night, for I've longed for you, from first sight. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis I Lye With My Love I lye with my love in pools of blood. The darkness pulled us down. I stair blankly at the wall, witch holds our souls. Together we burn in hell! A kiss of death. The taste of read. Our lives not mente to be. Bound together in blood. Never have know such love, yet ours is clear to see! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis I Peered Inside You I peered inside you, and found your heart. I peered inside you, and fell apart. I closed my eyes. Your kiss I can taste. Hold you close, I do in my dreams. Holding you close, I'll spend my life it seems. Longing to hold you, when your not there. Longing to hold you. Please pain, be fair! I love you today, and the day before. Yes, I love you today, even more! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Injustice I taste sweet blood, in laughter. Her tears, so rich to me. Stumbled upon, am I. I break my back, for only her. In kindness, received, there is no return. I sway, as before in my empty daze. Salute after, yes, she is such a love, to me. Swept over, with loud injustice. No one cares, not even me! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Lead Me You lead me away, like death leads the dead. You get inside of me. You torture my head. I loved you once, and love you now. All this pain, you showed me how, to deal with it, and yet it stays. You laugh at me, in your wicked ways. You lead me astray, and I'm longing for light. You'll try to lead me again. This time I'll fight. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Lost Lost without you, hear am I. Lost and longing for the dead. You killed our love, it's clear to see. You lied, you loved, it seems to me. I do not cry, for all those times, I've told you, and you've told me, lies. I've cried for when you've left me be. I've longed for you to think of me. You've tried, to take me back. But this time, fear, I seem to lack! I've longed for you, and I'm lost without, your love, I hope, to no longer doubt. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Love's Hate I love you, when there is no love, left to give. I miss you, even when I'm with you, it makes me cringe! I love you, so why am I out plotting, plotting my sweet revenge? I loth you, when you look at me, and don't care to touch. I hate you, because I love you, too damn much! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Mama She tells me I am wrong. She tells me I have hate. She fells a bowl, full of lies, and tells me it's my fate. I cried to her, and she was there, yet not a finger did she lift. I screamed her name, she saw it all, but this, she claims all myth. She was right, I do have hate! Hate, for her? Oh yes! I loved her once, she killed that too. Dear God I tried my best! She prolonged the pain. It was her fault! My mothers love, for me no good! When she saw, it should have Ceased! Oh yes, it was her fault! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Meagan's Plea Below she screams her plea. The secret's no longer safe with me. Her heart, blazed with desire. She skims the night for death. Towering in the sky, her empire lies far from eye. Golden locks fall down her back. The castle contains, but a single crack. The sky's turn black with hate. Her blood red with lust. It taste so good, she feels the pain, which came from mother's love. In her hand she takes the soared, which sleighed her love before. Her mind is gone. Pain left all alone. She takes her life with glee. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis My Angel My angel has fell from the sky. she looks at me and walks right by. Possession, I wish of the key, the key that Leads to her heart. As her wings healed, I fell apart. I held her once, but she had to fly. I kissed her wings, yet hoped they die. Her kiss I can taste, so sweet to me. It's such a shame. She left me be. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Near The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtsy, I do, to the dark. It's soul, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Out of the Darkness Out of the darkness she popped, to find the key to my soul. She took one look and she seized it, for she new my weakness, was her. She tricked me with her love note, she stabbed me with her soared. She kissed me and said, "My darling, what's mine is now yours." Her love I knew for a short time, but will forever know, how she saved me from my darkness, as we made love in her bed. Laced with flowers that smelt like roses, but I was not quite sure, for the smell quickly drifted, as we held our hands tight. She killed us with her double blade, left dyeing side by side. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Pain This pain that takes hold, of my life is in my soul. This pain I feel inside, traps itself within me, hides. This love I feel in you, I feel it yet I feel blue. This evil they say lye's within my eyes, will one day blacken all the sky. This love I feel in you, I know it's forever, know it's true. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Sleep I loved you, once before in my sleep. This before, was before, my eyes ever gazed, your face. I loved you, in my sleep. Each night, I'd beg, you close. I love you, in my sleep, Though in reality, I have you now. I continue to love, you in my sleep. The walls, proud I am, to say, we both tore down. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Torn Torn from you, my mind's trapped in a haze. Torn from you, I am just a phase! Hear I am, with all I have to give. Hear I am, with nothing left to live. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis True love My luv, I shall rise above. I promise that I will find some way, to make it where I'll always stay. Together we will be rescued from harm, you'll trap my tears with your charm. No matter what it takes to be your wife, I'll make any kind of sacrifice. For love is true when it's with you, I know now that were not mente to be two. Yet one soul that burns with fire, which hold all our deepest desires. My luv, I can't let go, for your the only one I truly know. 'Cause I am you and you are me, and I'm sure that's mente to be. So in the end I shall rise above, to find you, my true luv. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Turned Frown Stretched and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, whispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Twizted Twizted lies, and sad good-byes, I constantly, Smother within. Stretched out and whipped. I cry, but no one cares. Can you feel me now? Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Unforgivin Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis Undisclosed Undisclosed. I'm lost and dyeing. I look at them, but their not trying! I scream for peace. I beg for pain. All my life, I've felt the same. Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis We Rule Let the wicked rule, This house of fools! And let the flesh, Instruct the mind. The time is now! The former, They bow, To the death, In the new begining. Fight on! Copyright ©2007 Emmalaieth Gaberial Chavis

Ummm....I feel okay I guess. I'm a lil worried about some crap that Amey is gonna try to cause, but I talked to alot of people and I think it will be okay...or she can go to jail lol. I actually love my life for once in my life. I juzt wish I didn't have so much dramma going on all the time. I also wish that I could let my emotions out when I need to...or in some cases now days let the right emotions out. How can love show as hate??? or hate as love??? I feel kinda good though. I realy like this one song called My Black Daliah by Hollywood Undead! But yeah that was off subject huh? Oh well screw it. I think I'll play it again. I want to spend more time with Boogie! Since I moved in with Daddy, we hardly ever have any one on one time. I can't believe I've been living with Daddy for so long...it seems like yesterday...but it's realy been quite a few months. But then again when I think about it, it seems like a long time ago since I was in faster care and had no one and no life. Compared to then I'm doing pritty damn good! I juzt miss the walks Boogie and I use to take and I miss our conversations. She is a completly different person than me and yet we are so much the same. I realy love her and her individuality! I hope that she dosen't have to suffer to much in life. She is realy smart, weather she knows it or not. I love listning to her talk about her pholosifies (can't spell) of life and juzt about everything else. Her quorky little relationships crack me up though, because they remind me so much of my past relations. I hope that we don't grow appart again and that she will know I'm alwayz here for her no matter what. I would juzt like to talk to her again for a change...it kinda seems like her life has been to buisy for me here lately...oh well. I don't realy know whats going on with me and Daddy here lately...Everything seems to be going good for us these last few days, but before that it was hell. I think my hormones are juzt going crazy. It's so hard for me to show any emotion here lately though...or the right emotion. I want the people who I love to know without a doubt that I love them...but it's so hard to express anything...what the hell is wrong with me??? I don't care really right now though. I feel pritty good...but it feels like there should be more to it. My love for Daddy isn't causing me any pain and I'm not use to that at all. I've alwayz thought that if it dosen't hurt, than it can't be true...Could I have been wrong with that theary??? I mean it hurts like hell when I'm without him, like when he's working or I am or...but it dosen't hurt like it use to. I don't feel like my world is going to end if I don't see him in the next five minunts. Is that because I trust him??? IDK. I mean I trust him, but I don't know if it's the reason I don't feel pain. I feel myself growing up and it scares me. I litteraly feel myself growing. I still screw up. I mean everyone does...but everything seems to be okay...even when I'm not happy, even when I am, or when I'm sad or mad...I know I'm where I'm supose to be and I feel myself growing with that and growing to except that I don't have to be in pain and torment all of my life, nor do I have to live a perfect life with no pain ever...I finally get the chance to live a true life. I like it that way...who would have thought that this princess could live outside of both a hidden tower surrounded by dragons and deamons, and a castle filled with nothing but harmony and happieness? Who would of thought that I could excape it all and live with my prince charming in the real world??? I realy love it this way! Heres to my two sweet beautiful babies! I love you both and I love your Daddy too, he's the sweetest man in the world! My family is the only one for me. I can't weight until our new baby is born or when we know if it's a boy or girl! But I love you even now my beautiful baby! The Biddy is a trip! and the sweetest thing in the world! He's getting to be so big and beautiful. I prey that God continues to protect and watch over this beautiful family that he has alowed us to have! Mamma and I have become realy close again it seems. I go to her for most everything...it feels good having someone to talk to sometimes. I love also that Daddy and I are opening up to eachother up a lil more here lately. I still wanna know so much more about him and I want to be able to show him so much more of who I am and who I'm becomming. I want also to be happy for him not juzt on the inside, but where he can tell it's true. Daddy needs a break! I've been ridding him a lil too hard here lately...I realy think it has alot to do with hormones though, because I love him juzt as much as I ever have. Please lord let my be nicer to Daddy! I love him and I'm so lucky to have him!...I want him to always know thats true!

OMG! Yesterday was so awlsome! Like everything about it! Daddy, the Biddy and I all had fun yesterday morning playfighting and juzt being silly, and it was so great! I love my familey and the lil baby was being nice and not upseting my tummy so much too, so it was juzt so good! But then the Biddy had to go to Amey's so I was sad...but I know God watches over him even when Daddy and I can't. Daddy took me out it eat in Southern Pines to Mount Foogies...It was so awlsome! I had never been before, but I loved it it was so cool! OMG! and the food was sooo...good! I couldn't eat all of it though, so I had some realy good food to take to work with me today. When we got back we watched a funny as hell movie about this chick who gave her dog head...it kinda grossed me out though, but oh well. But oh my god! The loving last night was...I don't even know what to say! I have never felt anything like that ever...I died...like almost literally, it was so good! I juzt layed there in a puddle of cum. I couldn'e even scream or moan ar anything. I had all of my damn energy going into cumming lol! OMG! Never gonna forget last night, ever! After the l;oving I juzt freakin passed out. Daddy was so sweet all night long last night! Especially when we was driving back home and we were all snugglie together listning to old music on the radieo...it was romantic. I am so in love and so lucky! He is my everything and God is so kind for allowing him in my life! I can't weight to see Daddy and the Biddy in a lil while. They should be here in like an hour or so. I love our new place and I love our relationship and I love our babies! Things are realy looking up for us and I am so happy! Please Lord let it stay this way. Hopefully next month we'll find out if we're having a boy or girl...I can't weight. I am so happy! Daddy and our familey are my all. Thank you God and thank you Daddy for alowing my dreams to come true!

I'm juzt so sick of all the dramma and bull crap lies. I juzt wish people would leave me and James the hell alone! We have enough damn dramma of our own as it is. This is why the hell I don't have friends. Why the hell do people alwayz try to start crap when there is no reason to? So James isn't, hasn't, and has never even thought about cheating on me. Why the hell would some girl I don't even know that well tell me all this bull crap??? People should realy get a damn life! I juzt hope that Daddy isn't upset with me for asking him about it. I mean I never accused him even one time, so I don't think that he will be mad or hurt or anything. I simply wanted to know if it was true or not. I believe him. He's never lied to me before, so why shouldn't I believe him now? I juzt want to scream! Why would Kayla pretend to be nice to me and then try to screw up my world??? I juzt don't understand people sometimes. Why would someone play on your weaknesses? I mean and what the hell gives Spincer the right to call me a whore and say that I would give James something when she screwed Dean and Kayla at the same time??? Who the hell is she to judge me anyway??? Screw everyone...I don't even care. I don't want to deal with real dramma, much less bull crap that isn't even real! Somebody juzt needs to give me a damn break! Screw the rest of the world! I'll keep to my few lil friends nd be happy. I don't need stupid lil dramma like this...this isn't high school after all!

How can a day change so much? How can I be so happy and then feel like I'm falling apart? So Kayla basically told me that James has been lying to me and cheating on me with Spencer. I haven't talked to him yet. He's supose to pick the Biddy up at 5:00, so I told Jenna to tell him that I wanted him to come by after he picked Louie up, but I don't know if he will. I'm realy scaired. I don't want to know that everything I've ever believed in was a lie. I don't want to live a lie either though. So Spencer knows that I might be sick from what Kayla says. How the hell would spencer know that if he didn't tell her? She told Kayla that she can basically have James any time that she wants him, but that she would make him have a 6 week run of penicellion before she has sex with him. Spencer said that she talks to James all the time, and that he told her I was trying to controal his life and change him too much. All I ever wanted to do was show him love. From what Spencer said, James and her were still having sex even when James and I were dating...I don't know if they ever even stoped having sex or not. I'm so scaired that it's all true. It dosen't matter. I love James with everything that I have. If he wants to be with Spencer I will let him. I love him is all I can say...I juzt love him. If this is true I don't know why he would do this to me. All I ever tried to do was love him and make our lives better. She also said that Bobby, (James'a Dad), hates me so much that he tried to get Susen to offer James money to finish colledge as long as I didn't move in with him. I remember when she offered that at my school...I didn't think it had anything to do with Bobby though. I don't know what to feel but pain. Please God don't let it be true. Let the love I know be real. Please Lord don't let me have fallen for pritty lies again, because all you get with pritty lies...is sad goodbyes.

So things are going alot better! I'm so happy! We juzt moved into our new place...meaning like my first time sleeping there will br tonight lol. I can't weight! Then Daddy and I have to make love in every room in the house, so that it can truly be ours lol. I deffently can't weight for that part lol. I'm so happy! This feels good to be happy...it's been a while. Too much drama has been going on, but our present and future is looking much brighter now! I'm juzt so damn happy! I think this move will be better for all of us. I know the biddy will love it. The new baby is starting to poak out a lil more in my belly now. I look so fat, but I don't care, as long as the baby is healthy and beautiful! I realy feel like it's gonna be a lil girl. Daddy and I already picked a name out if it is. Lilly...I think that is so beautiful. If the baby's a boy we will love it's lil boy butt juzt as muches too though lol. I feel so good! This is so strange. My body feels like it's gonna fall apart from all the stress of moving and everyday life dramma, but my mind and sprit are so happy! It juzt feels so good! I haven't felt this way in a realy long time. Daddy and I are doing realy good now too. It was kinda rocky there for a while, but true love can never go away. It feels so good to be surrounded by both the love of God, Family, and the love of my husbond, (well soon to be husbond anyway). Juzt 8 more months and we'll be married, and have two beautiful lil babies. Even if we never sleep it will be worth it. I would like sleep though Lord, don't get me wrong lol. I juzt would like the time to thank the Lord for the happieness that he has bestowed upon me and my family. Thank you so much Jeasus, we love you! Please dear Lord let us continue to reep your glory and surrender ourselves to your love and the love of our family entirely. Thank you Lord for my life, and for the life of everyone I love. Juzt when I thought I was broken, you have made me whole once more. Thank you!

I want to start writing again. I want to let everything out. I'm so overflowed with words and emotions that I feel completly empty. I guess I've alwayz been feeled with oxymorans like that. I found out that I may be sick yesterday, real sick I guess. I'm scaired but I know God will look out for me. Sometimes I feel so alone, though I'm surrounded by those who I love and whom love me. I feel like I keep writing the same crap over and over again. I need everything! I'm deranged and I feel nothing like anyone else. Most of the time I realy don't care though. I'm sick of eveyone in life who juzt try to bring people down. I don't want to be down anymore. I'm so far down that I have to reach the top pritty soon. It seems I cry all the time. How can that be when I'm the happiest I've ever been? Life brings me down, but living gets me high. I want to escape everything and hide within myself, and yet never wanna be alone. Somebody talk to me and let me out. I feel as if I never breath, never take a deep breath, never relax. Something is alwayz happening. Dramma is alwayz occuring. I don't want to loose myself inside myself. I don't want to let go of all the nothing I have to hold one to one thing solid. I want to be the me that I am, the me that I alwayz was. What the hell is so hard with that. Why can't I feel? I'm scaired, but then again I don't care. I don't care about anything when I care about everything more than anyone else ever could. I can't let it out. I keep talking about nothing. Words wont come. I can't speak when I want to. Who has my toung. Why can't I talk to James. Why do I show the world lies and fake smiles? Why am I so down? Who or what is holding me down? I can't get that fuckers face out of my dreams. He want leave me alone. God please make him go away. Lord please make him leave me. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to shair myself. I'm afraid to open up to anyone. I don't want to be left alone but I'm hiding myself from everyone. Who is this person living in my bady and smiling false smiles with my lips and speaking pritty lies through my teeth. Am I the same mindless creature that I see the rest of the world as. Is everything I feel how they feel. Am I juzt another Emo pussy? I know I'm noth this shit is real. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not the same and I don't want to be. I don't want to be alive if my soul inside is dead. Why wont the deamons leave me the hell alone? Get out of my mind. Let me live my own life. I've put you behind me why can't I stop thinking? Where does all the emotion go? Where does all the pain hide when I smile my fake smiles? Why can no one read my heart and my mind? Why do they not see my lies. I've done nothing wrong, so what the hell is wrong with me? Why does no one ask that anymore but James. Why can he see whn no one else sees. How can Daddy see my tears when the rest of the world is oblivious? Why can he no longe see the reason why I'm sad? Why does depression have to take over every five minunts? I juzt want to let go. I can't juzt let life pass me by. I can't juzt give up. I have to let it out and get up. Why can't I breath? How am I still alive all these years without ever once breathing? What is wrong with me?

I wish away my days. All my days seem to be so bleak. It's certan that he doesn't love me as he use to anymore. I wish that he was the same person he use to be, and I wish that I was the same person who I use to be. I want to make this work. I want our love to concur all as I use to know it would. I feel as if I'm being pulled under. I juzt want what I use to have. What I don't understand though is that I never took it for granted. So why did it have to go away??? I'm so happy about the new baby! I love it already juzt as much as I love Louie. My constant depression however, continues to pull the wool over my eyes allowing me to see nothing but the depression itself. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy life and enjoy my children with Daddy, but I feel that I can't do that as long as he is no longer the man with who I fell so deeply in love with. He doesn't even remember how he use to love me. He said that himself. Is this a lost cause? Is the second time alwayz too late? I want to love him as I use to. I'm juzt alwayz so sad when I'm around him. He seems a shell of the man he once was. It seems that he's been lost to the pase of the world. But can't I bring him back??? I did it before, why not a second time??? I wont be doomed and I wont allow my family to be doomed. I want both of our beautiful children to grow up healthy and happy, with carring parents who love them and eachother more than their next breath. Our entire family is on the edge of disaster. I don't want us to fall off, and I wont allow it! I want my samuri back! I want my Daddy back who would fight any demon and slay any dragon for my love alone. I don't want to fill bad for asking him to bring me the tissue or for wanting to go out to eat or bye something cheap to make me feel pretty. I want him to make me feel beautiful like he use to, and I want to make him feel like the man I still know he is. I want our dreams. God please be on our side and help us through our journey. Let us find only love, compassion, and happieness within each other. Help us to leave the rest to our enemies.

yeah It's been a while...I'm a work and don't realy have much time to type...but so much has gone down since I last wrote...It feels good to write again! I Lived with Daddy (James) for a long time when I left my fathers house...and now I'm in faster care...hopefully Tuesday I will be able to move in with my mama or grandma (meme). I will eventually write so much more than this because I have alot of strong feeling to convay! I miss Daddy (James) more than anything! I'm juzt glad we get to talk. Louie is growing into a beautiful big strong boy and I believe I may be pragnent again...hopefully God will bless us with another beautiful child. I love Louie and James 4~alwayz!!!!!!!

Me...Hi! I don't know you but I probably hate you. Yeah... that sounds real nice right??? Well I'm not realy that nice of a person unless you happen to win my love. You see I've been through alot of sh!t in my life and it has forced me into a state of an untrusting mind. I don't like being this way, in fact, I hate it. But, this is me. I'm a 16 year old mother and practically abandoned by everyone I've ever trusted or loved. I'm happy though atleast with one thing...my baby boy! He's the only thing that realy matters in my life right now. I've also finally found someone to make me happy. His name is James, he means the world to me. I never thought I would find someone like him. He loves Louie too...what more can I ask for??? lol. No one has ever realy seemed tounderstand me, not even myself most of the time. It sadens me sometimes...but then again I use it mostly to my advantage. It's scarry though, because sometimes I believe James may know me even more than I know myself. I know you may think that 16 is 2 young to be a mother and much more of what I am, but I am what's in my mind & I've been out of my mind 4 many years! A lil about me...I'm 16. I live in a piece of shit, back woods,"Bible Belt", community. I hate it hear & they all hate me just because I'm strange. I'm constantly writing poetry, reading books, watching tv, or movies, talking to James and taking care of our Baby Boi. I have long blond hair with brown tips, blue eyes w/ sexy teacher glasses, usually 125 lbs, and I'm 5'3.

From Comment Wayward June 2, 2006 4:49 PM I will never leave you babydoll, you are my everything. And we will always be together no matter what. Our love is eternal. From Comment Wayward June 2, 2006 4:52 PM Not near as good as the real you 8), you are beautiful babydoll. Never doubt it, and you are my moon, my stars, and my sun. And you are the only one on this earth this I want, without a doubt. I love you babydoll. Wayward June 2, 2006 4:50 PM And you choose a picture that makes me look fat =-(, but anyways, I love you babydoll...and I am yours. Completely and forever. I want no one else. From Comment toy June 19, 2006 8:36 PM aww ITS MY DANIELLE!!! your eyes reflect so much happiness....heheh i love you From Comment Narcissistic Junkie June 21, 2006 10:05 PM You guys are so cute together. I would have never imagined you guys together. You really look happy.-- toy June 21, 2006 5:25 PM i love this picture y'all look so content and happy together i love you so muches!!

6/23/06 Hey Daddy!, I love you sooo...muches Daddy!!!!!!! I tried calling you a bounch of times and ended up spending a dollar and 50 cents on it lol...but I left you a voicemail. You are my everything! I can't be without you Daddy! and I want be without you! I'm not even going home early...juzt sitting here weighting on 5:00 and wishing you were here holding me. I wish we could juzt be like we were That Saturday again! That was the second most happiest day of my life!!! (The first being when I had Louie.) I remember how much we talked that night, and how it felt to be wrapped in your arms late at night outside under the moon and stars. You compleated me then as you compleate me now. I was so happy! As we were talking we completly understood eachother. Our souls were still as one from the love we had juzt made...we were completly connected and we remain so even as I grow distant on the outside, our souls are still embracing, ever strongly. I love how you know me and how I know you. I love how we can communicate at most times without even speaking! I love how you look into my eyes and see all that there is of me. i'm afraid I'm falling, so fast and so violently that not even a superhero could save me..., but I know my Daddy will alwayz be here to catch me, and save me, protect me from the world, and shelter me with love!!! I believe it kills me as much as much as it does you that you haven't seen our son in over a month. It fucking kills me to think that Louie might forget you, when ya'll were so close...when you had been there for him since he was a little less than three months old. Louie will be 7 months in three days...and you never even got a chance to see him at all when he was 6 months old...we will never get that time back and it makes me want to scream! Louie has changed and grown so much in juzt this past month and his father could no tbe there to watch him change and we don't even know how much longer it will be before he is able to see his Daddy. And Louie loves you Daddy!, he realy does! Most people don't give babies enough credit, but I know when he is in pain and I see the longing and extream desire in his eyes to be held by his Daddy! The only male he has to turn to is that fucked up excuse for a father of mine...and it kills me and eats at my soul a little more each day to see Louie, OUR son, start to want to be held by him because he needs his Daddy and his Daddy can't be there! I'm not trying to hurt you at all Daddy!. I swair!!! I juzt want to let you know how I've been suffering, how I've been preying to God every day and night to kill that fucker, not only now for what he did to me all these years and how he almost hurt Louie, but so that Louie wont be able to bond even more to a wicked, hellish deamon because he needs his Daddy's big strong arms around him to save him from all evil and wrong doings, when his Mommy's arms are too weak. Louie is so much like me that it's scarry sometimes. I can't alone give him all that he needs, Daddy. Louie needs to be delt with sometimes in the exact way that I need to. He needs to be dominated but in a loving way. I can't dominate...you should know this by now. I'm a passivest by heart and by nature. I can't have Louie turn to a tormentor juzt so he can have that sence of strong guidence, when he could have the best guidence in the world from his Daddy, who I know would never lead him wrong! I know these things hurt Daddy, but forgive me! Forgive me bacause I have to tell you...because I have to let you know what has been tormenting me by day and haunting me by night. Our Family has to remain strong! Our love will forever bind us!!!!!!! I love you Daddy and Louie loves his Daddy too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!! Love 4~alwayz, Christine Danielle Chavis 6/20/06 Yea! I'm so happy I got to talk to you Daddy!!!!!!!.....You gotta finish reading the other email before you go back to class though. Louie wants to tell Daddy that he loves him: jum8hnjhrfvgb xsh t5i jkjghj ...yep that's what that means lol...well I'll let you get back to work Daddy. I love you Daddy and Louie loves you too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!! 6/20/06 Hey Daddy!, I love you sooooooo....muches!!!!!!! Sorry about not comming to school today...don't realy know when I'll be able to come back either....this shit is realy starting to piss me off! Fucker went to a Dr. appointment so I got a chance to talk to you, but I know your in class, so I desided to juzt write you an email and hopefull you will get it. I realy wanted to see you today Daddy, realy bad! I hope that I can tomorrow! It sux ass that I'm not in class too, because I can't work on the internet classes while i'm supose to be in class, so I have to weight until 5:00, to begin trying to even make up the time I missed today. But anymwayz Daddy, sorry for bitching about me not getting to go to school...it's juzt that I'm trying so hard to get our family together 4~alwayz, and it seems like the whole world is comming against us. But I know, as alwayz Daddy, that neither one of us will back down and that we will alwayz be strong and fight for our family! I juzt alwayz need you holding me up so that I can be strong as well Daddy, because without Louie and you I am nothing! And I realy think that is the way it should be. Well Daddy, I guess I betta go...I miss you so much!!!!!!! It's killing me to not be with me, but then again I know that yo are alwayz here holding me 4~alwayz! I love you Daddy and Louie loveshis Daddy too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!! Love 4~alwayz, Christine Danielle Chavis 6/19/06 Please get back online Daddy! I want to talk to you so bad!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!! 6/19/06 Damnet! You signed off as soon as I signed on lol...can't talk on the phone with you...so please get back on! I love you!!!!!!! 6/19/06 Hey Daddy! I don't realy know what to say lol...I juzt wanted to let you know that I love you more than anything and to see if your cell phone worked and you can see when I write you emailes. Anymawayz, I'm sooooo...happy that I got to see you today Daddy, even if it was only a few minunts...a few minunts in heaven is worth an eturnity of hell. Well I tried to call you on your house phone a minunet ago but it was buissy and so I thought you we're on line...but I see your not lol...So I thought I'd write you an email...and then I will do some classes...I wish you were on here to tell me you love me too though...oh well ...I guess I better get to work lol...oh yeah and you will be proud of me because today I got 3 chapters and 2 test done...I'm so happy yea! It brings our family that much closer together...and I hope you have your insurence when I next talk to you because I realy want our family to be together for a least a few hours this weekend!!!!!!! I love you soooooo....muches Daddy and Louie loves you too 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I love you Daddy!!!!!!! Love 4~alwayz!!!, Christine Danielle Chavis 5/9/06 mkteun478n438ju89t5h7guouhnn , nlhukhukolju8okjmujtuki.vjuhkl,l ,ybmk, ol,8u9cfkjiciifirm um,lz8umm,l jtcvmujmlk,vb.ki;ki;.eijyl;prreypk um.,ml.,v nh,vgfn.,c j ,..

Monday, May 01, 2006 Memories...Where does time go? 2005-04-18 15:12:47 (GMT) A letter to Toy Toy, Yaah, I know I haven't realy been on here in a while! It's not that I haven't had the time, but that I have so much time that misuary is taking hold of it all and I can't catch my breath without first crying for him. I feel as if I've lost Kenndal, but I know, deep in my heart that I can never loose him, that even the thought of loosing him is rediculeus, but the pain is still real and still alive. I can't get on the internet at my house anymore. Daddy has parental lock all over that shit and this time I don't know his password so that I can change it back. The way he's got it I can't even get on yahoo, or go to my own sight! But, all that shit dosen't matter. I'm alone for once in my life, truley alone, and there ain't shit I can do about it. I realy ment all that I said to you Friday! I miss you Bailey! I love you!, but time has taken you away from me too. You have changed juzt like the rest of the world, but I know now as well as I've ever known before that, I am a forever constant being. I realize that you nolonger only need me to be whatever you need me for, and for you to constantly be consouling me that someone in this world loves me. You need other people now. You've grown out of me, and as depressing as that is I have to keep breathing and keep on this way in my constant state. You were the only one who ever truly knew tha way I felt about Megan, and how much I hated and loved my mama, and how alone I could feel, and how I felt tha first day of 6th grade when I was dressed in all black, with black hair, and black lipstick, and everyone picking on me but you. You were alwayz there, even then. You helped me through all my ups and downs wid Adam even when it delt wid yo own family, throough it all I juzt wanna say thank you! I also wanted to tell you that I am pregnate and that if anything ever happens to me and Kenndal, like we die or something, even though I know you never planed on having children, that I would want you to take care of Louie and however many other babies we have and let them know how much their mommy and daddy loved them and eachother!!!, and also make sure scilently, that Louie knows that we will alwayz love him best. Thank you so much for being hear for me through all of this shit, and for letting me help you when you needed it too! Alwayz remember, I'm your sister. Juggalette Hommies 4~life & Death!, Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-04-18 15:18:26 (GMT) Alone I realy miss Kenndal!!! Death is calling, but this time I don;t want it like the longing for a hug from a best friend, this time I actually want to live, this time I'm looking fored to it though I know that pain is probably all that lies in store for me, but I will except that pain, as long as I have Kenndal's love, whick I know will be 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I realy want to keep this diary up!!! I realy want my last few words to be known, but I don't know if they will be. I juzt hope that I have my baby aand I'm in Kenndal's arms before the end comes! Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-05-09 14:47:36 (GMT) Parting is such sweet sorrow Toy, Toy, Hey Chick!!!, It's been a while!, hasen't it??? Well I juzt wanted to let you know that I finally got your messages. I don't know what's to become of me, but I do know that now, I have a baby to protect, and love, and be the best mother to that I possably can!!! I'm falling appart. The real me isn't realy hear anymore, but that's okay. Some how I have to manage to survive, and make a happy life for me and my child, with or without Kenndal. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I will never deny that, but if nessessary I have to let him go. You of all people knows that it kills me to say that, but it is verry true!!! I don't know if I will ever see Kenndal again, I don't know if he will be here when I have our baby. What I do know is that I have juzt about everything I've ever wanted besided him. Through our love, (a love stronger than any other ever!), and through our making love, we have created the worlds most beautiful child!!!!!!!, and what more could I ask for??? Our baby came from pure, sweet, honest, commpashionate love!!!!!!! There was no having sex, or fucking involved in it! There was nothing but love!!!!!!! And for that, I am forever greatful!!!!!!! I would take nothing back, not even the pain that I am still experencing this day, of possably loosing Kenndal for all time. I know that with our chilld I have a chance! I will put all the love that I've ever held for Kenndal into raising our child, that way I will have never lost, but only loved. I wanted to say thanx for being here for me. I love you and I hope you and Eric do well. MCL, Christine Danielle McElrath I fucking love you Bailey! Alwayz remember that...here is something you wrote me a while ago. From: diamondlettefy555@yahoo.com Timestamp: 2005-04-18 16:33:55 GMT In reply to: A letter to Toy Message: Danielle, you kno that i am alwayz here for you and i kno you have alwayz been here for me too. We have constantly been reminding ourselves and each other of this, perhaps because we both dont want to let go of it. But we dont have to, because we kno that regardless of anything, we will alwayz be here for each other. And i have not grown out of you, yes i do need you less, but only because you have built me up, you have grown up in me. You have created me tha way i am, without you, i would not be tha way i am today, and you have made me strong. No, we are not alike, much, but there are traces of you running all thru me and we both kno it, and so does everyone else. Nothing can change that. We both kno that no matter what happens btwn you and kenndal, that you will never stray from each other. You will never forget, you will not need to push yourself to forget. Kenndal is a part of you more than any other man in your life has been, and woman for that. I am so confident to say that you would give up meagen for kenndal, a statement that is very dangerous to make but very true. I kno how much you love your mother out of desperacy alone, and yet how you respectfully hate her. What else can be expected? You must never let her consume your mind and pollute it and your love. And you kno that would happen, me, Kenndl, we would all be gone. You must never surrender to that which would destroy you. And you kno that if you ever had a child and i could get it, that i would under any circumstance. I have alwayz known that. I was thinking about it tha other day actually. Really, I would take it in for you and kenndal and you kno that i would. I would fight with everything to get tha child, and teach it about you, and let it kno every day that it's mama and daddy loved it so very much. Yes, you kno i am here and always will and now i have found a ay to stay over tha summer and be here. We have two years before you can get away. Just two years before you can leave all of this. Just hold on to anything until then. And we will alwayz be sisters, just like on ginger snaps back as they say, "together forever", no matter what. we will be true juggalette homies for life and death and nothing can stop us, just remember that if anything. Nothing can stop us, together forever.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2005 10:08:33 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: Re: bailey To: "Danielle McElrath" Tha diary name is Toy and tha diary name is Play with Me. Come on now, my nickname AND ICP lyrix? Come on chik. Well, yo ass better be at tha Blackout tonight Danielle McElrath wrote: I don't know what it is! You have to give it to me so I can read it. Bailey Swicegood wrote: Read my diary -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you Yahoo!? Read only the mail you want - Yahoo! Mail SpamGuard. I Love Kenndal 4~alwayz!!! Christine Danielle McElrath Date: Thu, 25 Aug 2005 15:35:48 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: TOY To: "Danielle Talley" Danielle. I wanna come home. I can come home. Find out if I can stay with you as soon as possible. Ive been trying to call you and have left alot of messages. I will call you this weekend constantly. Im coming home. I love you and miss you so much. Whats going on? TOY Date: Tue, 25 Oct 2005 17:17:32 -0700 (PDT) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: hey To: "Danielle Talley" hey, you didnt call me back tha other day. I called you like twice yesterday i thibk but noone answered, probably cuz youre dad saw my name on caller id. But ne wayz.... um, what was up with you callin me? I didnt see that one comin. Weve been through shit before danielle, shit kind of like this, but it hasnt been that bad. And I dont kno what it is, but you abandoned me. You understand that dont you? You dont trust me, you dont act like you used to...man, were supposed to be juggalette homiez for life and death alwayz man, and you dont do this kind of shit. no matter what is goin on i wasnt backstabbin you or doin any bullshit, and then you pulled that out of no where with tha dont call me again shit. And i kno youre going thru some shit, but damnit this aint easy. You kno what its like to be abandoned. Kenndal did it to you. And then you did it to me. I stuck by you through everything we went thru ever. whatever it was, no questions asked, i was there and you and everyone else knew that. So, this is something serious and bigger than before, and this is something that we need to talk about. If you choose to write me back or call me again, and i dont kno if you will. But, if nething weve ever been thru means ne thing, i would hope that you would try to settle this out. ive done everything i can, and ive alwayz gone tha extra mile for you. Now its your turn. ***TOY*** Please register your mobile phone to activate this feature. Register your phone to receive a text message when you receive Mail from particular senders. Previous | Next | Back to Messages Call or Instant Message diamondlettefy555 DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove... Printable View This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ] Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:00:24 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: Re: hey To: "Danielle McElrath" well i was just gettin on to write you back actually when here you are heheh... um, because i didnt think that you would write me back but i just wanted to let you kno that i hoped you were doin okay with tha baby and shit. Im doin better man, really. My repord card i got a 72 in chemistry and i was so happy because i justknew that i had failed and that is a c up here not a d. And i didnt fail ne classes. Me and julie hang out all tha time and i been gettin into ne trouble *( well besides tha usual heheh..) and im keepin shit up. I know that everyone who you ever thought you could trust has turned your back on you, but i seriously didnt kno this time. I knew things have been tha worse they have ever been. And truthfully i didnt think that we could pull through this because you really dont kno how much that phone call that day hurt me. And i have been around way before whats his face and adam and fuckin nicole has ever or will ever be. And i kno that it is hard to believe or even comprehend for you but i have kept coming back and trying my hardest. everyone has told me to fuck you and forget you because of this shit and, here i am. I didnt think you still considered ,me your sister for whatever reason. And i kno that your pregnant and all but tha only difference that has caused you is to get fat and have mood swings. Thats it. it seemed like you thought you were better than me. Because tha shit that i do, ive followed your advice. You told me to use tim for drugs and money that time, i did that with megan, but when i stopped coke and shit it was for money. You told me to lose my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about, and i did, then i dropped him. im not wanting to stick to a guy here. you taught me how to use guys and make themm feel special, and i love jon, so im doing that to keep him around. You taught me not to trust peopel. I thought i had learned that. then you struck me down. But if you think that we can pick this up, than we can. its been years danielle. You kno me, really you do, but you expect me to let you down so bafd that you practically want it. You ask for it! And all ive ever done is be there. And i will be there. You and louie are all that matter to me. Tha last entry on my diary that isnt finnished wouldve said that. I just havent finnished typing it. Its all wrote down. you and Louie. And i kno that were going through shit. But thats okay. Down here ive learned that real juggalo family or just real peopel are hard to come by. Everyopne ditches everyone, say that theyre down, and ditch there family. Back home there are only a few of us and we cherish it. I have grown closer to tha saga and everything completely. Heh, tonight im goin trick or treating with a lot of peopel with 3 of us' face painted wicked clown style! But, get up with me sometuimme. And write me back or call me or something. I really wanna get shit fixed. Juggalo homiez 4~life and deatrh right? heheh.. ***TOY*** Danielle McElrath wrote: Toy, Yeah I know that all tha shit you sayin is tru...it's juzt that I've been goin thro alot of shit lately and everything has been strange as hell. I mean ur right I didn't fuckin trust u. I don't fuckin trust nobody, and you have to understand why. I mean that shit wid (what's his name) has fucked me up good. I mean maybe it's 4 tha better, like u and me alwayz seem to believe after shit like that 'cuz we get stronger...but this shit has realy turned me into a fuckin ice queen. Like u said I don't fuckin trust nobody and I don't fuckin love nobody...I'm like u were be4 Eric came and fucked that up 4 you. I'm like fuck everybody...but it realy goes beyond that and that's kinda scarry 'cuz I even pushed you away. I mean I felt and steel kinda feel like everyfuckinbody is out to get me so I wuz like fuck this I am through wid everybody! I mean that's even why Nicole said that she don't realy like being around me cuz she said that I seem like I'm juzt fuckin mad all tha time at everybody and everything. I don't know wut tha fuck is goin on...I juzt know that me and u are fuckin sisters and we will alwayz be, even tho all dis shit went down and I treated u like shit and all that...but u gotta understand that I still think that u did that shit wid Damon and that has realy fucked wid me too! I mean realy fuckin bad! I wanted to fuckin kill ur ass!!! I mean that's realy when it all started 'cuz u know things ain't been right since then. Write me back and I will call u when I can. I haven't realy been able to do to much of anything 'cuz I've been sick as hell...but I gots alot of shit to talk to you about, so pleaze write me back so I know u got this! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2005 22:20:53 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: Re: hey To: "Danielle McElrath" No, i have overcome so much down here. If you really want something than you can do it. If you tell yourself something enough over and over again than you can do it. you just dont care enough about me to ever try to fight it. your an anarchist. Stop following the system. YOUR system. stop going against everything you say you believe in. When you wr ote that im not real ne more bullshit, you were just trying to make an excuse so that you would feel better. Stop bullshitting yourself danielle. I have never and will nebver become like those we hate. you make reality into fantasy and you CAN seperate it because youve done it many times before. you knew you wanted louie and you know thats not fantasy, you know you love kenndal, tjhats not fantasy either. Youre just too scared to get a grip on reality! nothing that last email said had ne thing to do with what i sent. Danielle, why did you call me. If you want to forget about so much that you could actually convince yourself that i was changing....i just dont know. I dont even think that you get it. I cant do this danielle. Because its not up to me ne more. Ive done what i can. Ive told you how it is, ive put myself all out there, just like now. im doing everything i can. look, i cant convince ne more that i am fine. You have to believe. If you could believe in so much else why cant it be me/?? What have i done? I have been trying as hard as i can to keep everything perfect btwn everyone in rockingham. Keeping up on whats going on, and ive about had it1 But even if everyone abandons me, im STILL coming home. Even if everyone hates me, fuck them. I dont give a damn. And they should all know that...YOU should know that. i have stuck byt you through everything. EVERYTHING. And supported you, just to be FORGOTTEN. So youve had problems, OKAY. But youre driving me away danielle, your driving everyone away. Nicole was a fantasy, you know that. She did not love you, shes a little girl. But I am reality. And there will always be something to remind you of me. ALWAYS. Just like there will be of kenndal. You can only block out so much. You just like to believeotherwise. If you took control of your life than you would be fine. Here is an example: I know that i have never measured up to adam, kenndal...fuckin, Nicole was more important than me!. But here i am. Me. ONLY ME. And im just trying to be real with you right now. If you tell yourself to forget certain things so easily, then there is no way you shouldnt be able to tell yourself how things are. And how things should be. And i have given everything and more yto you. And if i havent, than what not? tell me? leyt me know! All ive done is tried to help you but you keep pushing me away and ignoring everything i say because thats not hoe youre system worx. IM AN ANARCHIST I HAVE SYSTEM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE. Danielle, i need you to do whatever, in order to sort shit out. I need you to think about everything, and try not to block nething out,. if you do, and you sort shit out, then you wont need to block shit out. Because i am a strong person. And you could be too. But i cant force you. you have to want it. And try, and not wear a mask. sort things out. And when you come to a decision, you let me kno. But i will be coming home. and i will be there. And i dont kno how all this will make you feel, but this emmail was meant to be harsh. TOY Danielle McElrath wrote: Toy, It's juzt fuckin weard man! It seems like ur not real anymore, like you never existed except for in my mind, like u are like them all...like everyone and everything that I've ever known. I don't know reality from fanitcy..., you of all people know that about me, because you've seen me hurt by it more times than fuckin humanly possable. I never remember anything or anyone on purpose, but on accident, and you know that. You know that by the first time that Kenndal and I kissed that I had forgotten everything about Adam, and now I don't remember Kenndal; I don't remember Nicole, and you are slipping away too. This is fuckin scarring tha shit out of me. How tha fuck am I supose to cope with never seeing you again Bailey??? Answer me that fuckin question you know that the only method that's ever worked for me is to forget..., to pretend like you never happened. How could you not see that was going to happen from the first phone call that you made me when you got to Floridia??? How could you not know that I would feel the worst abandonment that I had ever felt in my whole life??? You knew that I was going to go away inside my mind like I alwayz do. You knew that you would be lost to me forever. I can't comprehend you as reality anymore. And now, I'm only weeks away from having Louie and you are no where in sight. How do I deal? Bailey Swicegood wrote: well i was just gettin on to write you back actually when here you are heheh... um, because i didnt think that you would write me back but i just wanted to let you kno that i hoped you were doin okay with tha baby and shit. Im doin better man, really. My repord card i got a 72 in chemistry and i was so happy because i justknew that i had failed and that is a c up here not a d. And i didnt fail ne classes. Me and julie hang out all tha time and i been gettin into ne trouble *( well besides tha usual heheh..) and im keepin shit up. I know that everyone who you ever thought you could trust has turned your back on you, but i seriously didnt kno this time. I knew things have been tha worse they have ever been. And truthfully i didnt think that we could pull through this because you really dont kno how much that phone call that day hurt me. And i have been around way before whats his face and adam and fuckin nicole has ever or will ever be. And i kno that it is hard to believe or even comprehend for you but i have kept coming back and trying my hardest. everyone has told me to fuck you and forget you because of this shit and, here i am. I didnt think you still considered ,me your sister for whatever reason. And i kno that your pregnant and all but tha only difference that has caused you is to get fat and have mood swings. Thats it. it seemed like you thought you were better than me. Because tha shit that i do, ive followed your advice. You told me to use tim for drugs and money that time, i did that with megan, but when i stopped coke and shit it was for money. You told me to lose my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about, and i did, then i dropped him. im not wanting to stick to a guy here. you taught me how to use guys and make themm feel special, and i love jon, so im doing that to keep him around. You taught me not to trust peopel. I thought i had learned that. then you struck me down. But if you think that we can pick this up, than we can. its been years danielle. You kno me, really you do, but you expect me to let you down so bafd that you practically want it. You ask for it! And all ive ever done is be there. And i will be there. You and louie are all that matter to me. Tha last entry on my diary that isnt finnished wouldve said that. I just havent finnished typing it. Its all wrote down. you and Louie. And i kno that were going through shit. But thats okay. Down here ive learned that real juggalo family or just real peopel are hard to come by. Everyopne ditches everyone, say that theyre down, and ditch there family. Back home there are only a few of us and we cherish it. I have grown closer to tha saga and everything completely. Heh, tonight im goin trick or treating with a lot of peopel with 3 of us' face painted wicked clown style! But, get up with me sometuimme. And write me back or call me or something. I really wanna get shit fixed. Juggalo homiez 4~life and deatrh right? heheh.. ***TOY*** Danielle McElrath wrote: Toy, Yeah I know that all tha shit you sayin is tru...it's juzt that I've been goin thro alot of shit lately and everything has been strange as hell. I mean ur right I didn't fuckin trust u. I don't fuckin trust nobody, and you have to understand why. I mean that shit wid (what's his name) has fucked me up good. I mean maybe it's 4 tha better, like u and me alwayz seem to believe after shit like that 'cuz we get stronger...but this shit has realy turned me into a fuckin ice queen. Like u said I don't fuckin trust nobody and I don't fuckin love nobody...I'm like u were be4 Eric came and fucked that up 4 you. I'm like fuck everybody...but it realy goes beyond that and that's kinda scarry 'cuz I even pushed you away. I mean I felt and steel kinda feel like everyfuckinbody is out to get me so I wuz like fuck this I am through wid everybody! I mean that's even why Nicole said that she don't realy like being around me cuz she said that I seem like I'm juzt fuckin mad all tha time at everybody and everything. I don't know wut tha fuck is goin on...I juzt know that me and u are fuckin sisters and we will alwayz be, even tho all dis shit went down and I treated u like shit and all that...but u gotta understand that I still think that u did that shit wid Damon and that has realy fucked wid me too! I mean realy fuckin bad! I wanted to fuckin kill ur ass!!! I mean that's realy when it all started 'cuz u know things ain't been right since then. Write me back and I will call u when I can. I haven't realy been able to do to much of anything 'cuz I've been sick as hell...but I gots alot of shit to talk to you about, so pleaze write me back so I know u got this! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. I Love Kenndal 4~alwayz!!! Christine Danielle McElrath Date: Sat, 5 Nov 2005 22:31:38 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: Re: hey To: "Danielle McElrath" Danielle, i know that you know now, that megan, i was using her. she was a person that we would never associate ourselves with because shes a fuckin idiot. shes so fuckin desperate that she knew tha only reason that i hung out with her is because she bought me shit and she kneew that. How fuckin pityful is that??? There is noone down here that i could ever replace you or ne thing and you have to know at least that. And i understand that you want to hate me because i left. But i left because i knew that i would be coming back. If i seriously thought that i would be foreverly stuck here, there is no way that i would have left. Danielle, i have always dreaded tha day you would start dating ne one else because i knew that it was my time to move back in tha line of order. But i have always been there and you know that i always will be. I know that you know that. And i know you want to hate me because you dont think that i am coming home but i am. And you probably dont now and wont until i do it. but i will. No matter how long it takes. but my mom has gone all freaky on my ass and ill have to tell you about that.. But, and i know you need me i know that. And i am trying to get home for you and louie because you and louie matter so much more to me than mama or ne one can ever comprehend. Only me and you can fully understand this. We cant expect ne one to be able to understand it. Thats why we can put up with so much. But why did you make everyone believe that those were tha reasons you didnt talk to me. Because now everyone including nicole and whomever was like oh im better than bailey now im so important, they reeked in it, i could smell it from here. And then you said how nicole and her mom were gonna be there for you in tha hospital. i dont want ne one else to be there for you like that!!! I AM THE PUSH THAT MAKES YOU MOVE I AM THE DISEASE EVERYONE PRETENDS TO BE And i hated nicole because she tried to take my place and it felt like she had suceeded because you let her believe it. And she thought she knew it and it killed me!! I wanna be there for louie and you!!ME! And im trying to get home! And i have always been there even when we hated each other because thats what we do and you know that. And you know that and you know thats how it will be. Always. for alwayz has never seemed to work for ne one else, but it will for me! I know that you needed me and still do i know that and i will not leave you just hangign there. i am coming home. christmas break is coming up december 19. and i will fight that entire time. I know im not getting probation so i dont have to worry about that, but i will do ne thing danielle to get home. Even if everyone hated me, i dont give a fuck i never haave, lately ive been trying to keep up with everyone back home but now iom just like fuck it, i dont care that much. And i dont. down here, i realize i am more like i was when eric hadnt tainted me. Alot of guys have been trying to hook up with me, and all of them ill completely ignore and shit. they'll talk to me and i might make out with them, mabe have sex with them, whatever, then ill ignore them. i dont care. I havent gave a fuck about dating, and i havent for about 6 months now. I didnt care to go out and make friends, so i didnt. They came to me tha peopel i chill with now. And right now im like well, fuck everyone back home pretty much . they never return my calls, or even just call me, so fuck them i dont give that much of shit now. And eric, i became neutral on that subject a long time ago when i did him like he did me. Jon, i care about, but im leaving that alone completely. At least until i come home, adn even then im not making that move at all. Im concerned about ne thing like that at all. Im... i dont know. But all that matters is thAT im coming home to you and louie. And when i do, im gonna make sure everyone around there knos that they are not even close to first in your life or louies. Not even fucking close! because thats MY posititon. And i hope im right about this.. But you know i love you, adn i ahte how you wanna hate me but that will be over soon i hope. Im keepin tabs on everything. Get up with me somehow..i called tha other day, your dad sounded all freak-out so i called back later and left a message, but, yea... i think i covered everything now...im gonna go check your sitDiary now i guess. Juggalette homiez for life and death. ***TOY*** Danielle McElrath wrote: Toy, I know that ur fine and that ur okay and have everything going good. ...But it wouldn't even matter if you won't and u didn't have anything under controal. I fuckin lied! I can't help it! I didn't give a fuck if you were on drugs or not or for that matter anything you did down there...I juzt wanted u to be here wid me!!! I'm sorry that I made such a big deal about that shit, because it didn't even matter. I juzt didn't want you to go and I hated you because you did go! ...juzt like I hate Kenndal. And that's fuckin bull shit wut u said! You have alwayz ment more than any of those fuckers, because even if you won't there and we hated eachother, you were alwayz there! But now ur not and it makes me fuckin hate you! You know that about me, so don't be mad, you had to expect it. I juzt want you back here because I feel betrayed and I need u around. Basically all my life I had u to call on and you had me...but now it's different and I have noone and I noticed that you were hanging out wid Meagen alot and I got fuckin jellious so I made up all that shit about how much I didn't like that so that I could forget you and hate you...but I can't. I wuz fuckin jellious okay. I mean hell why do you think that I never got along with ur boyfriends??? I mean I fuckin hated Eric when you were with him and while I dated Kenndal and I hated David when you wuz wid him, but I have nothing against David or Eric now. I don't give a shit about them but I don't hate them. This is juzt so fucked up! I juzt want you to come home!!! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla Bailey Swicegood wrote: No, i have overcome so much down here. If you really want something than you can do it. If you tell yourself something enough over and over again than you can do it. you just dont care enough about me to ever try to fight it. your an anarchist. Stop following the system. YOUR system. stop going against everything you say you believe in. When you wr ote that im not real ne more bullshit, you were just trying to make an excuse so that you would feel better. Stop bullshitting yourself danielle. I have never and will nebver become like those we hate. you make reality into fantasy and you CAN seperate it because youve done it many times before. you knew you wanted louie and you know thats not fantasy, you know you love kenndal, tjhats not fantasy either. Youre just too scared to get a grip on reality! nothing that last email said had ne thing to do with what i sent. Danielle, why did you call me. If you want to forget about so much that you could actually convince yourself that i was changing....i just dont know. I dont even think that you get it. I cant do this danielle. Because its not up to me ne more. Ive done what i can. Ive told you how it is, ive put myself all out there, just like now. im doing everything i can. look, i cant convince ne more that i am fine. You have to believe. If you could believe in so much else why cant it be me/?? What have i done? I have been trying as hard as i can to keep everything perfect btwn everyone in rockingham. Keeping up on whats going on, and ive about had it1 But even if everyone abandons me, im STILL coming home. Even if everyone hates me, fuck them. I dont give a damn. And they should all know that...YOU should know that. i have stuck byt you through everything. EVERYTHING. And supported you, just to be FORGOTTEN. So youve had problems, OKAY. But youre driving me away danielle, your driving everyone away. Nicole was a fantasy, you know that. She did not love you, shes a little girl. But I am reality. And there will always be something to remind you of me. ALWAYS. Just like there will be of kenndal. You can only block out so much. You just like to believeotherwise. If you took control of your life than you would be fine. Here is an example: I know that i have never measured up to adam, kenndal...fuckin, Nicole was more important than me!. But here i am. Me. ONLY ME. And im just trying to be real with you right now. If you tell yourself to forget certain things so easily, then there is no way you shouldnt be able to tell yourself how things are. And how things should be. And i have given everything and more yto you. And if i havent, than what not? tell me? leyt me know! All ive done is tried to help you but you keep pushing me away and ignoring everything i say because thats not hoe youre system worx. IM AN ANARCHIST I HAVE SYSTEM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE. Danielle, i need you to do whatever, in order to sort shit out. I need you to think about everything, and try not to block nething out,. if you do, and you sort shit out, then you wont need to block shit out. Because i am a strong person. And you could be too. But i cant force you. you have to want it. And try, and not wear a mask. sort things out. And when you come to a decision, you let me kno. But i will be coming home. and i will be there. And i dont kno how all this will make you feel, but this emmail was meant to be harsh. TOY Danielle wrote: Toy, It's juzt fuckin weard man! It seems like ur not real anymore, like you never existed except for in my mind, like u are like them all...like everyone and everything that I've ever known. I don't know reality from fanitcy..., you of all people know that about me, because you've seen me hurt by it more times than fuckin humanly possable. I never remember anything or anyone on purpose, but on accident, and you know that. You know that by the first time that Kenndal and I kissed that I had forgotten everything about Adam, and now I don't remember Kenndal; I don't remember Nicole, and you are slipping away too. This is fuckin scarring tha shit out of me. How tha fuck am I supose to cope with never seeing you again Bailey??? Answer me that fuckin question you know that the only method that's ever worked for me is to forget..., to pretend like you never happened. How could you not see that was going to happen from the first phone call that you made me when you got to Floridia??? How could you not know that I would feel the worst abandonment that I had ever felt in my whole life??? You knew that I was going to go away inside my mind like I alwayz do. You knew that you would be lost to me forever. I can't comprehend you as reality anymore. And now, I'm only weeks away from having Louie and you are no where in sight. How do I deal? Bailey Swicegood wrote: well i was just gettin on to write you back actually when here you are heheh... um, because i didnt think that you would write me back but i just wanted to let you kno that i hoped you were doin okay with tha baby and shit. Im doin better man, really. My repord card i got a 72 in chemistry and i was so happy because i justknew that i had failed and that is a c up here not a d. And i didnt fail ne classes. Me and julie hang out all tha time and i been gettin into ne trouble *( well besides tha usual heheh..) and im keepin shit up. I know that everyone who you ever thought you could trust has turned your back on you, but i seriously didnt kno this time. I knew things have been tha worse they have ever been. And truthfully i didnt think that we could pull through this because you really dont kno how much that phone call that day hurt me. And i have been around way before whats his face and adam and fuckin nicole has ever or will ever be. And i kno that it is hard to believe or even comprehend for you but i have kept coming back and trying my hardest. everyone has told me to fuck you and forget you because of this shit and, here i am. I didnt think you still considered ,me your sister for whatever reason. And i kno that your pregnant and all but tha only difference that has caused you is to get fat and have mood swings. Thats it. it seemed like you thought you were better than me. Because tha shit that i do, ive followed your advice. You told me to use tim for drugs and money that time, i did that with megan, but when i stopped coke and shit it was for money. You told me to lose my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about, and i did, then i dropped him. im not wanting to stick to a guy here. you taught me how to use guys and make themm feel special, and i love jon, so im doing that to keep him around. You taught me not to trust peopel. I thought i had learned that. then you struck me down. But if you think that we can pick this up, than we can. its been years danielle. You kno me, really you do, but you expect me to let you down so bafd that you practically want it. You ask for it! And all ive ever done is be there. And i will be there. You and louie are all that matter to me. Tha last entry on my diary that isnt finnished wouldve said that. I just havent finnished typing it. Its all wrote down. you and Louie. And i kno that were going through shit. But thats okay. Down here ive learned that real juggalo family or just real peopel are hard to come by. Everyopne ditches everyone, say that theyre down, and ditch there family. Back home there are only a few of us and we cherish it. I have grown closer to tha saga and everything completely. Heh, tonight im goin trick or treating with a lot of peopel with 3 of us' face painted wicked clown style! But, get up with me sometuimme. And write me back or call me or something. I really wanna get shit fixed. Juggalo homiez 4~life and deatrh right? heheh.. ***TOY*** Danielle wrote: Toy, Yeah I know that all tha shit you sayin is tru...it's juzt that I've been goin thro alot of shit lately and everything has been strange as hell. I mean ur right I didn't fuckin trust u. I don't fuckin trust nobody, and you have to understand why. I mean that shit wid (what's his name) has fucked me up good. I mean maybe it's 4 tha better, like u and me alwayz seem to believe after shit like that 'cuz we get stronger...but this shit has realy turned me into a fuckin ice queen. Like u said I don't fuckin trust nobody and I don't fuckin love nobody...I'm like u were be4 Eric came and fucked that up 4 you. I'm like fuck everybody...but it realy goes beyond that and that's kinda scarry 'cuz I even pushed you away. I mean I felt and steel kinda feel like everyfuckinbody is out to get me so I wuz like fuck this I am through wid everybody! I mean that's even why Nicole said that she don't realy like being around me cuz she said that I seem like I'm juzt fuckin mad all tha time at everybody and everything. I don't know wut tha fuck is goin on...I juzt know that me and u are fuckin sisters and we will alwayz be, even tho all dis shit went down and I treated u like shit and all that...but u gotta understand that I still think that u did that shit wid Damon and that has realy fucked wid me too! I mean realy fuckin bad! I wanted to fuckin kill ur ass!!! I mean that's realy when it all started 'cuz u know things ain't been right since then. Write me back and I will call u when I can. I haven't realy been able to do to much of anything 'cuz I've been sick as hell...but I gots alot of shit to talk to you about, so pleaze write me back so I know u got this! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yahoo! FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. Date: Tue, 8 Nov 2005 17:14:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more Subject: Re: hey To: "Danielle McElrath" yay for me! Dude, i found another way home!! Well, last time i talked to mama about it she said tha only ppl i could stay with was bobby and grandma lassiter because she figured that would not ever happen. Well...Yesterday charlene called, a woman that was best friends with aunt mary and got her hooked on drugs and shit but then got clean. She somehow got our number and called, and then told me that she was moving into a big house on mcdonald church road, and that its a wealthy neighborhood and we talked and she wants me to move in with her. She'll even come to get me seeing as tho she comes to pensacola like twice a year mabe. And that she talked to grandma lassiter who said i could move in , even tho i would just go strait to live with charlene. And i old mama and she was like, you cant trust you shes just like your aunt yavonne shes strung out blah blah blah...well then i was like i can move in with grandma because she said i could and her mouth dropped and she went into her room and dint say ne thing. Well, Charlene said that she ran away when she was 16 and tha cops told her mom they couldnt do ne thing. So, thats probably whats gonna happen. But i have school work to look up adn less than an hour to do it so im gonna go to sitdiary now. Juggalette homiez, MCL ( alot of people up here write mmfwcl and were all like, damn, soon enough its gonna be mmfwclouldnah57ajtn&fjale lol) ***TOY*** Danielle McElrath wrote: Toy, It's fuckin late and I'm tired as hell, but I wrote you a comment on ur diary entry...so read it damnet!!! I'm sorry I haven't been able to call or answer ur phone calls...but daddy is being weard (read more on it in my comment on sit). Juzt remember that u were alwayz # one over anyone..., because everyone else had there time and then they were gone and I could except that, but I could never except you being gone!!!!!!! Like you said you and Louie will be the only 4~alwayz that will ever work!!!!!!! MCL! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla Bailey Swicegood wrote: Danielle, i know that you know now, that megan, i was using her. she was a person that we would never associate ourselves with because shes a fuckin idiot. shes so fuckin desperate that she knew tha only reason that i hung out with her is because she bought me shit and she kneew that. How fuckin pityful is that??? There is noone down here that i could ever replace you or ne thing and you have to know at least that. And i understand that you want to hate me because i left. But i left because i knew that i would be coming back. If i seriously thought that i would be foreverly stuck here, there is no way that i would have left. Danielle, i have always dreaded tha day you would start dating ne one else because i knew that it was my time to move back in tha line of order. But i have always been there and you know that i always will be. I know that you know that. And i know you want to hate me because you dont think that i am coming home but i am. And you probably dont now and wont until i do it. but i will. No matter how long it takes. but my mom has gone all freaky on my ass and ill have to tell you about that.. But, and i know you need me i know that. And i am trying to get home for you and louie because you and louie matter so much more to me than mama or ne one can ever comprehend. Only me and you can fully understand this. We cant expect ne one to be able to understand it. Thats why we can put up with so much. But why did you make everyone believe that those were tha reasons you didnt talk to me. Because now everyone including nicole and whomever was like oh im better than bailey now im so important, they reeked in it, i could smell it from here. And then you said how nicole and her mom were gonna be there for you in tha hospital. i dont want ne one else to be there for you like that!!! I AM THE PUSH THAT MAKES YOU MOVE I AM THE DISEASE EVERYONE PRETENDS TO BE And i hated nicole because she tried to take my place and it felt like she had suceeded because you let her believe it. And she thought she knew it and it killed me!! I wanna be there for louie and you!!ME! And im trying to get home! And i have always been there even when we hated each other because thats what we do and you know that. And you know that and you know thats how it will be. Always. for alwayz has never seemed to work for ne one else, but it will for me! I know that you needed me and still do i know that and i will not leave you just hangign there. i am coming home. christmas break is coming up december 19. and i will fight that entire time. I know im not getting probation so i dont have to worry about that, but i will do ne thing danielle to get home. Even if everyone hated me, i dont give a fuck i never haave, lately ive been trying to keep up with everyone back home but now iom just like fuck it, i dont care that much. And i dont. down here, i realize i am more like i was when eric hadnt tainted me. Alot of guys have been trying to hook up with me, and all of them ill completely ignore and shit. they'll talk to me and i might make out with them, mabe have sex with them, whatever, then ill ignore them. i dont care. I havent gave a fuck about dating, and i havent for about 6 months now. I didnt care to go out and make friends, so i didnt. They came to me tha peopel i chill with now. And right now im like well, fuck everyone back home pretty much . they never return my calls, or even just call me, so fuck them i dont give that much of shit now. And eric, i became neutral on that subject a long time ago when i did him like he did me. Jon, i care about, but im leaving that alone completely. At least until i come home, adn even then im not making that move at all. Im concerned about ne thing like that at all. Im... i dont know. But all that matters is thAT im coming home to you and louie. And when i do, im gonna make sure everyone around there knos that they are not even close to first in your life or louies. Not even fucking close! because thats MY posititon. And i hope im right about this.. But you know i love you, adn i ahte how you wanna hate me but that will be over soon i hope. Im keepin tabs on everything. Get up with me somehow..i called tha other day, your dad sounded all freak-out so i called back later and left a message, but, yea... i think i covered everything now...im gonna go check your sitDiary now i guess. Juggalette homiez for life and death. ***TOY*** Danielle wrote: Toy, I know that ur fine and that ur okay and have everything going good. ...But it wouldn't even matter if you won't and u didn't have anything under controal. I fuckin lied! I can't help it! I didn't give a fuck if you were on drugs or not or for that matter anything you did down there...I juzt wanted u to be here wid me!!! I'm sorry that I made such a big deal about that shit, because it didn't even matter. I juzt didn't want you to go and I hated you because you did go! ...juzt like I hate Kenndal. And that's fuckin bull shit wut u said! You have alwayz ment more than any of those fuckers, because even if you won't there and we hated eachother, you were alwayz there! But now ur not and it makes me fuckin hate you! You know that about me, so don't be mad, you had to expect it. I juzt want you back here because I feel betrayed and I need u around. Basically all my life I had u to call on and you had me...but now it's different and I have noone and I noticed that you were hanging out wid Meagen alot and I got fuckin jellious so I made up all that shit about how much I didn't like that so that I could forget you and hate you...but I can't. I wuz fuckin jellious okay. I mean hell why do you think that I never got along with ur boyfriends??? I mean I fuckin hated Eric when you were with him and while I dated Kenndal and I hated David when you wuz wid him, but I have nothing against David or Eric now. I don't give a shit about them but I don't hate them. This is juzt so fucked up! I juzt want you to come home!!! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla Bailey Swicegood wrote: No, i have overcome so much down here. If you really want something than you can do it. If you tell yourself something enough over and over again than you can do it. you just dont care enough about me to ever try to fight it. your an anarchist. Stop following the system. YOUR system. stop going against everything you say you believe in. When you wr ote that im not real ne more bullshit, you were just trying to make an excuse so that you would feel better. Stop bullshitting yourself danielle. I have never and will nebver become like those we hate. you make reality into fantasy and you CAN seperate it because youve done it many times before. you knew you wanted louie and you know thats not fantasy, you know you love kenndal, tjhats not fantasy either. Youre just too scared to get a grip on reality! nothing that last email said had ne thing to do with what i sent. Danielle, why did you call me. If you want to forget about so much that you could actually convince yourself that i was changing....i just dont know. I dont even think that you get it. I cant do this danielle. Because its not up to me ne more. Ive done what i can. Ive told you how it is, ive put myself all out there, just like now. im doing everything i can. look, i cant convince ne more that i am fine. You have to believe. If you could believe in so much else why cant it be me/?? What have i done? I have been trying as hard as i can to keep everything perfect btwn everyone in rockingham. Keeping up on whats going on, and ive about had it1 But even if everyone abandons me, im STILL coming home. Even if everyone hates me, fuck them. I dont give a damn. And they should all know that...YOU should know that. i have stuck byt you through everything. EVERYTHING. And supported you, just to be FORGOTTEN. So youve had problems, OKAY. But youre driving me away danielle, your driving everyone away. Nicole was a fantasy, you know that. She did not love you, shes a little girl. But I am reality. And there will always be something to remind you of me. ALWAYS. Just like there will be of kenndal. You can only block out so much. You just like to believeotherwise. If you took control of your life than you would be fine. Here is an example: I know that i have never measured up to adam, kenndal...fuckin, Nicole was more important than me!. But here i am. Me. ONLY ME. And im just trying to be real with you right now. If you tell yourself to forget certain things so easily, then there is no way you shouldnt be able to tell yourself how things are. And how things should be. And i have given everything and more yto you. And if i havent, than what not? tell me? leyt me know! All ive done is tried to help you but you keep pushing me away and ignoring everything i say because thats not hoe youre system worx. IM AN ANARCHIST I HAVE SYSTEM YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE. Danielle, i need you to do whatever, in order to sort shit out. I need you to think about everything, and try not to block nething out,. if you do, and you sort shit out, then you wont need to block shit out. Because i am a strong person. And you could be too. But i cant force you. you have to want it. And try, and not wear a mask. sort things out. And when you come to a decision, you let me kno. But i will be coming home. and i will be there. And i dont kno how all this will make you feel, but this emmail was meant to be harsh. TOY Danielle wrote: Toy, It's juzt fuckin weard man! It seems like ur not real anymore, like you never existed except for in my mind, like u are like them all...like everyone and everything that I've ever known. I don't know reality from fanitcy..., you of all people know that about me, because you've seen me hurt by it more times than fuckin humanly possable. I never remember anything or anyone on purpose, but on accident, and you know that. You know that by the first time that Kenndal and I kissed that I had forgotten everything about Adam, and now I don't remember Kenndal; I don't remember Nicole, and you are slipping away too. This is fuckin scarring tha shit out of me. How tha fuck am I supose to cope with never seeing you again Bailey??? Answer me that fuckin question you know that the only method that's ever worked for me is to forget..., to pretend like you never happened. How could you not see that was going to happen from the first phone call that you made me when you got to Floridia??? How could you not know that I would feel the worst abandonment that I had ever felt in my whole life??? You knew that I was going to go away inside my mind like I alwayz do. You knew that you would be lost to me forever. I can't comprehend you as reality anymore. And now, I'm only weeks away from having Louie and you are no where in sight. How do I deal? Bailey Swicegood wrote: well i was just gettin on to write you back actually when here you are heheh... um, because i didnt think that you would write me back but i just wanted to let you kno that i hoped you were doin okay with tha baby and shit. Im doin better man, really. My repord card i got a 72 in chemistry and i was so happy because i justknew that i had failed and that is a c up here not a d. And i didnt fail ne classes. Me and julie hang out all tha time and i been gettin into ne trouble *( well besides tha usual heheh..) and im keepin shit up. I know that everyone who you ever thought you could trust has turned your back on you, but i seriously didnt kno this time. I knew things have been tha worse they have ever been. And truthfully i didnt think that we could pull through this because you really dont kno how much that phone call that day hurt me. And i have been around way before whats his face and adam and fuckin nicole has ever or will ever be. And i kno that it is hard to believe or even comprehend for you but i have kept coming back and trying my hardest. everyone has told me to fuck you and forget you because of this shit and, here i am. I didnt think you still considered ,me your sister for whatever reason. And i kno that your pregnant and all but tha only difference that has caused you is to get fat and have mood swings. Thats it. it seemed like you thought you were better than me. Because tha shit that i do, ive followed your advice. You told me to use tim for drugs and money that time, i did that with megan, but when i stopped coke and shit it was for money. You told me to lose my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about, and i did, then i dropped him. im not wanting to stick to a guy here. you taught me how to use guys and make themm feel special, and i love jon, so im doing that to keep him around. You taught me not to trust peopel. I thought i had learned that. then you struck me down. But if you think that we can pick this up, than we can. its been years danielle. You kno me, really you do, but you expect me to let you down so bafd that you practically want it. You ask for it! And all ive ever done is be there. And i will be there. You and louie are all that matter to me. Tha last entry on my diary that isnt finnished wouldve said that. I just havent finnished typing it. Its all wrote down. you and Louie. And i kno that were going through shit. But thats okay. Down here ive learned that real juggalo family or just real peopel are hard to come by. Everyopne ditches everyone, say that theyre down, and ditch there family. Back home there are only a few of us and we cherish it. I have grown closer to tha saga and everything completely. Heh, tonight im goin trick or treating with a lot of peopel with 3 of us' face painted wicked clown style! But, get up with me sometuimme. And write me back or call me or something. I really wanna get shit fixed. Juggalo homiez 4~life and deatrh right? heheh.. ***TOY*** Danielle wrote: Toy, Yeah I know that all tha shit you sayin is tru...it's juzt that I've been goin thro alot of shit lately and everything has been strange as hell. I mean ur right I didn't fuckin trust u. I don't fuckin trust nobody, and you have to understand why. I mean that shit wid (what's his name) has fucked me up good. I mean maybe it's 4 tha better, like u and me alwayz seem to believe after shit like that 'cuz we get stronger...but this shit has realy turned me into a fuckin ice queen. Like u said I don't fuckin trust nobody and I don't fuckin love nobody...I'm like u were be4 Eric came and fucked that up 4 you. I'm like fuck everybody...but it realy goes beyond that and that's kinda scarry 'cuz I even pushed you away. I mean I felt and steel kinda feel like everyfuckinbody is out to get me so I wuz like fuck this I am through wid everybody! I mean that's even why Nicole said that she don't realy like being around me cuz she said that I seem like I'm juzt fuckin mad all tha time at everybody and everything. I don't know wut tha fuck is goin on...I juzt know that me and u are fuckin sisters and we will alwayz be, even tho all dis shit went down and I treated u like shit and all that...but u gotta understand that I still think that u did that shit wid Damon and that has realy fucked wid me too! I mean realy fuckin bad! I wanted to fuckin kill ur ass!!! I mean that's realy when it all started 'cuz u know things ain't been right since then. Write me back and I will call u when I can. I haven't realy been able to do to much of anything 'cuz I've been sick as hell...but I gots alot of shit to talk to you about, so pleaze write me back so I know u got this! "I am Lady Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles". Flertkilla I Love Kenndal 4~alwayz!!! Christine Danielle McElrath Date: Fri, 11 Nov 2005 17:39:50 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more To: "Danielle Talley" Yea...i am so bored...bleh..there is nothing to do at all whatsoever. So.....i was just writing you back to write you back but i will write you back when there is something to say. if you get this tonight, call me back at a cell number that is 292-0272. i think 850 is area code if you need it. MCL TOY Date: Tue, 15 Nov 2005 13:47:48 -0800 (PST) From: "Bailey Swicegood" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more To: "Danielle Talley" I just wanted to thank you real quick for all of your advice! Me losing my virginity to someone i didnt give a damn about was tha best thing i could do. I am just like me before eric got to me! Dylan, Richard, Calen, they think were like gonna hook up and i totally diss them like, um , no! Like this guy richard. Hes a senior. About tha head of tha wrestling team and i was gonna take his virginity this weekend. But jukie told me not to because i could really hurt him because he really likes me. Hes writin me emails like ' make plans to chill wid us this weekend later hot chic' and im like ' um actually, i dont think we'll be hanging out. I probably have other plans' so hes like ' well do you want my number to call me?' '....no. W'ell get up with jon" and im bein a bitch to all these guys and its great!!! Oh yea, check out my myspace!!! myspace.com/toy_diamondlette I love you!! sorry bout tha drunken other nite phone call too...heheh To: toy Date: Dec 15, 2005 9:28 PM Subject: No Subject Body: danielle, seriously, when have i cared for nething? I will explain it when i talk to you tomarow hehehe. call em at 850- 549-3241. Im off of skool at 10:05 mcl toy To: toy Date: Dec 24, 2005 8:31 AM Subject: RE: No Subject Body: wassup. I called you alot. And noone answeed then your dad said that y'all had gone to wal mart and that you were asleep. look, im sorry i had to get off tha phone but mama had to use it for something important. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Dec 24, 2005 8:28 AM hello hoe To: toy Date: Dec 30, 2005 9:11 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: p Body: no, that is fucked up because you should be confident enough to kno that im not gonna replace you because thats just stupid so stop using that as an excuse! I tell you whats going on because i figure you would want to kno what im doing. Thats usually how it goes: something interesting happens, we tell each other. And if i wasnt out doin shit because then, id be a hypocrit. because im always bitchin aboout how im gonna live my life to tha fullest and do everything and nothings gonna hold me back and experiencing shit, when if i was just sittin around bullshittin all day everyday would be stupid. And i kno that you wanna hear me being miserable, but youre tha one who in tha first placve told me that i need to think positive about everything to pull myself up. Ive told you how miserable i was plenty of times, and i didnt think that redundancy was neccesary. And i figured you didnt really wanna hear about everyone down there, so i havent even told you m,ost shit. This ISNT me danielle, were not drifting apart, youre pulling away. Im moving home. And you donbt believe me. I kno you dont like to get your hopes up and shit, but you sittin back saying no itll never happen yea rite, and tryin to make me feel like a dumbass about it, isnt helping ne thing! I try to keep touch, and i have always in tha past done ne and everything to help you. Youre not giving ne of it back. Why didnt you call me? Why did you act so wierd when i was over there? You acted like you resented my presence. I dont kno, ive tried tho. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Dec 24, 2005 9:05 AM Well if it's not fucked up, why is tha only thing you wuz talkin about wuz all ur new friends and wut you do wid them, and where you go and hang out down there...tha thing is I don't give a fuck what ur doing down there, finding out juzt makes me more fuckin misrible. All I wanna hear of you doing down there is your missrible and miss me and wanna come home...but your not missrible....you have so many friends to replace me that I might as well have never existed! ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Dec 24, 2005 8:56 AM danielle, there hasnt been ne thing to make it fucked up again! That didnt make it fucked up again! My phone being cut off for a week and a half DID NOT make it fucked up again! All you ever see is tha fuck upedness of something! ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Dec 24, 2005 8:36 AM look at my updatd profile...it kicks ass! To: toy Date: Dec 31, 2005 11:10 AM Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: hey Body: yea and that is understandable but you shouldnt take it out on me because i am doing whatever tha fuck. I dont need a kid and i dont need to grow up either! im on my wasy to your house, so ill talk later about this. No bad goodbyes please ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Dec 31, 2005 11:08 AM what choice do i have??? I'm a single parent at tha age of 16! It would probably be different if Kenndal was here....but he's not and everything is on me1 I have school and taking care of Louie. I'm not complaining at all, but there is no fuckin time to juzt party or to be a teenager. I've alway had to grow up fast in my life and now it's here. I cant afford to grow up anymore. I have to be an adult now! That's why I stoped talking to Jon, because tha next guy I should be talking to is someone rich who I can marry to help support my child. I have no more time to be a child myself. I have to give up everything for Louie, and I'm more than willing to. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Dec 31, 2005 11:02 AM danielle having a child does not make you instantaneously mature or ne thing, youre not an adult JUSt because you had a kid! And im NOT that immature but youre rite, i DONT wanna grow up! I wanna stay like this FOREVER. Partying and living, thats what its always been about! Thats what we are SUPPOSED to be doing. Were 16! Youre barely 16, anbd lookm at you. Youre not supposed to act 25! ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Dec 31, 2005 10:55 AM my com is fuckin up so it's hard to do anything wid it right now, but i'll try. Sorry about tha other day...i don't realy know how to explain tha way i wuz acting..., juzt that before we wuz alwayz on tha same level and could always understand everything the otha wuz going through....but now we are completly different from eachother. I have to be an adult now, and that's the furthest thing from what you have or want to be. You know that we'll alwayz be friends and that if we realy ever need eachother we will be there...but I think it's gonna take a few years until we can be as close as we use to be, because we have to get on the same level again. But you know that I will alwayz love you and always be here 4 you. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Dec 31, 2005 10:25 AM send me some pix that i wanted yesterday, and how do i get them to go onto my actual page and not on my picture section? To: toy Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:16 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject Body: yea and why tha fuck didnt you call me back last nite? And why didnt you call me today? why dont you call me? what if i have something important to say? do you even give a fuck??? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Jan 31, 2006 5:47 PM i keep getting kicked off tha net lol ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Jan 31, 2006 5:44 PM wow, i almost really sent you a bitchy email. im leaving now. call me or somethin i guess ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Danielle Date: Jan 31, 2006 5:38 PM wut up chick? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Jan 31, 2006 5:29 PM ne day now...ne time...are you just avoiding me? To: toy Date: Feb 3, 2006 7:04 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: bitches and hoes Body: chick, warning, DONT call me hon in that bitchy tone. I kno you havent bitched at me in a long time but thats because we havent talked. Ive been trying to be nice for a while danielle, but tha fact that youre jealous because i have a life, and its killing you. And quite frankly my dear, i dont give a damn heh. Sorry but, you have abandoned me since i got here: juggalo family dont do that. And as for me, heh, damn, i can barely count tha family ive got down here! and considering how *fragile* you are and unable to deal with tha harshness of life, i didnt wanna be responsible for your emo ass commiting suicide. look, i dont have time for this anymore, and im sorry. youre right, we are different now ,danielle. i go out and live my life to tha fullest as an anarchist should, and you...well, get used to watching tv for like eighteen years. Oh, and since kenndal is back in town, you should tell him hi for me, unless you plan on running forever. that's so pathetic. ltr TOY ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:26 PM i haven't bitched at you about it in a long while now hun..., cuz ur right i don't hate you at all...,but i could give a fuck less anymore. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:20 PM i acll you, and call you, and leave messages, and call you some more, and you bitch at me for not calling and ruining everything, adnm you dont vcall me! ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:19 PM huh? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: toy Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:18 PM hey, you wrote me this time you got on. seriously, what tha fuck is up? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:16 PM wuts up bat boy? ...yeah don't ask lol To: toy Date: Apr 2, 2006 6:27 PM Subject: RE: No Subject Body: heh, i wasnt on all day. it was anna and devin's birthday party, adn i went and passed out and got up like 30 minutes ago ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Apr 2, 2006 3:27 PM why tha hell won't u talk to me??? To: toy Date: Apr 6, 2006 1:57 PM Subject: No Subject Body: danielle you told me yourself that it would never be the same. To: toy Date: Apr 8, 2006 6:12 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: journ

To: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 7:12 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: hey Body: I understand that so much...I also tend to think alot, although I try to stay fairly mellow...in my own way I suppose. I dont claim to be a perfect person, and most people find me rather odd I guess you could say. But I do try to be nice, whether I do it out of the goodness of my heart, or karma, or whatever. I try to treat people like I would want to be treated, except most people never seem to treat me in the same way in return...I dont know I am just bitter I reckon. And I hope you message me soon, so I can bombard you with questions and witty reparte. ;-p I am sitting here pondering what to type, you leave me speechless(or textless lol), but I guess I will just be open with you...I crave company..I am an a contradiction even to myself...extremely introverted, with a tendency to act very extroverted its...unexplainable. But about the only way I ever get out my shell is to be with people I trust, and even then I tend to be guarded. I have been burnt alot...by alot of different things. I personaly view myself as broken, I have to smoke myself into a coma everynight, to just get a little rest. Its a crutch that kills me...but its the only way I know how to slow my thoughts down. My mind races constantly with this questions or that question...it drives me insane. I am very insecure, went a trend trowards being aggressive in a effort to show dominance, so that I dont appear to be as insecure as I feel on the inside.....alot of life is a front. And all of it is a illusion in some form or another....it is kinda calming when I look at it that way. But I am rambling and I seriously doubt you want to hear all of this...oh btw, I will be as 'deep' with you as you are with me, an equal trade. And I will be honest with you two a fault...just dont ask things you dont want the answer to. And I have to say...your company is addicting, and that damn smile you get.........it rips me in half, if you havent noticed. 8) I still cant believe how much you blush...it is refreshing, lol. On a side note...we really are very similar. It is scary in its own way, lol. If you are half as crazy as I am...it could get interesting real quick..lol. Message me =D Wayward Ronin ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 5:50 PM I completly understand that...making a decision like that is rather tough...but I'm lonely, and basically I need someone now. The only two people who could ever realy understand me in this world are gone now, ( Bailey moved to Flordia and turned into a different person, and Kenndal left me and also turned into a different person). I'm not looking to tie anyone down with a relationship and I don't want to be tied down myself. I only wish to find someone who I can love, but not like in my past where I would love someone so much that I would cut if I wasn't around them 24-7. I juzt want to be able to be my complete self around someone and have that person be themselves around me too. I want love and huggs and kisses..., but I also want to be able to kick back with this person a watch movies and laugh, get fucked up and talk about whatever is on my mind no matter what it is. Your right..., I'm the type of person who is alwayz thinking, and I'm afraid that soon I may cave into myself because I no longer have anyone to vent my thoughts and feelings too...it's juzt me and Louie. Don't gey me wrong I love him more than anything...but he's still a baby and I can't talk to him in the way that I want to yet. ...But I swair he's going to be very intelegent when he's older because even now I try to talk to him as if he's a adult. ...well anymawayz..., sorry this was so deep. I juzt needed to do a lil venting. peace Danielle ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 12:49 AM *stretches, wishing C++ homework had never been invented* Hey, sorry I hadnt wrote back eariler...I didnt wake up till 1..been very very tired lately. But oh well. How was your day? And I am a hard person not to talk to, because then I will just act crazy until I make you laugh or they take me away in a straight jacket. I hope that you would laugh before that point though. As far as a relationship...I dont know, I cant say that I really even know you...minus music tastes. ;-P I think we covered almost all of that today, lol. But that doesnt mean I dont want to see if I cant get your computer back up and running, etc. You dont have to date someone just to be around them. *reaches for another coffin nail, wondering what to type* I dont know, something about you...just catches my attention. Whether it is the goth/punk thing, or the personality, or the attitude...I cant really say, but it is different...and crazy at the same time. How could I not try to get you to talk to me, lol. *sticks his tongue out as he goes to burn you a cd* Well...I am terrible at this email/letter thing, but maybe I made some sort of sense. I will probally be able to gauge it by whether or not you talk to me tomorrow. Wayward_Ronin, a.k.a James Cole Chavis P.S. I do hope you give me the chance to get to know you whether we end up neutral, friends, or partners. I am not such a terrible person, but I will be the first to admit...I am very indecisive. But when I make a decision I stick with it...it just takes forever for me to ever reach it. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Jan 30, 2006 8:55 PM Hey Hun! Wuts up wid ya? ....well I don't realy know what to say, 'cuz we juzt got off tha phone lol. But anymawayz..., like I said, I realy like you and i can tell that you realy like me too...so we should get together. I don't care if you have a g/f...fuck her. You want me more and you know it...cuz i'm special lol. But no, realy though...give me a try. I'm the type of person who once I realize I have no chance at something I completly drop it, and I'm kinda starting to get a lil hurt and starting to think that even though you clearly want me and know that I'm so much better than your girl, that for some reason your gonna give up on the chance of a life time, and choose not to be with me. Oh well...whatever. But I know u like me so I don't understand. I mean it's not like I'm asking you to make a life long commitment lol...I juzt want to date you and I mean if after a while you deside that you'd rather go back to ur girl...go ahead. That way at least we tried...u know wut I'm sayin??? Well anymaways, hit me back and tell me wut u think. Peace out and mad clown luv! Christine Danielle Talley To: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 7:38 PM Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hey 8) Body: I just got the message that you where off, 8( although it still says you are online...strange I suppose. If you get the urge feel free to call me. I am gonna disconnect for a little while and just chill. Talk to you tomorrow if not sooner 8) ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 10:32 PM well i g2g now my dad is home. i guess i'll talk to ya tommorow or i can talk on tha phone tho ...i think. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 7:22 PM I'm about too 8), ya gotta give me a minute or two at least lol. I didnt even have it installed ;-P ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 10:21 PM do u have AIM? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 7:15 PM I just sent a very long message....lol. Do you have any messengers? *peers at you* I really must learn how to speak german ;-P ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Alwayz be 2~getha 'cuz were both under tha Moon! Date: Feb 1, 2006 10:09 PM yeah...ummm don't have yahoo messanger on this computer... 'kicks tha damn computers ass! ' lol ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Wayward Date: Feb 1, 2006 6:44 PM Will you message me on yahoo, lol. It is giving me all kinds of hell. (growls at his yahoo messenger) Just send a message to Wayward_ronin87 Chat with ya shortly 8) To: Wayward Date: Feb 12, 2006 4:47 PM Subject: Hey 8) Body: Hey, just got up not too long ago. Thought I would drop you a message. =) Hows it been going? And are you still good to go on coming with me say tuesday? I will have to get something put together, wish ya would drop more hints on what the hell you like doing. Lol. But any-more-wayz I'll be back around, will call you after I finish looking all this shit up. Isnt college life great. Love ya 8) To: Wayward Date: Apr 4, 2006 8:04 PM Subject: Hey Babygirl =-) Body: Hey...sorry about not calling you back...my dad got home and I had to help him =-(. I called around 10:20...but it was busy, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and love you sweetness. Today was pefect...completely, now if I could just talk to you life would be great. *hugs and kisses* With all his love, James

"Departure" Ashley, has left me alone. Her feelings for me, now all gone. When she laid beside me, asleep, Her expectation's, I knew, I could never meet. Now I feel so horribly, ashamed, for this pain, refuses to stray. "Love's Hate" I love you, when there is no love, left to give. I miss you, even when I'm with you, it makes me cringe! I love you, so why am I out plotting, plotting my sweet revenge? I loth you, when you look at me, and don't care to touch. I hate you, because I love you, too damn much! 'Ashley' Ashley's eyes gaze upon me. From that comfort I do seek. When I hear her speak my name, I feel her lips grays my cheek. No greater beauty in this world, in life or death shall I meet. I cry at night and hope she knows, that it is her love I long to keep. Her soul speaks right to me, for without her I feel so bleak. I cringe to know that she can lay, without me in bed and sleep. Although I droned in pools of tears, my love for her I dare not speak. Her beauty kills me day by day, as lion's kill the week. 'Night Fall' Beauty blends, as the night descends. The wraith has taken hold. Motherless in this world, fatherless in my soul. I cry for her lushes kiss, as I die in Ashley's world. So scared I am, fear pores from my wounds. Subdues me I beg the goddess, that taunts me in my dreams. Her name I cry take me, let me feel what is now you, hold on to me, please don't let go. I lye with you, and pray to feel your warmth. Death consumes me, as night becomes day. Take my hand, please lead my way. Will you need me in your life? I love you, and hope it's fate. Lost I am without my lighter. So please hold my hand! I love you with all my hart and soul, though I die, I hope you know! "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! "Deprived" Drive me up the walls. When I sleep I see his face. It comes to me like times before, when I was too young to run away. Afraid, I lye in bed and cry. I know he'll come back soon. But It's not him that hold's me down. I can look past that and be OK. It's the one that knew and never told, how her child was raped by the night. I just wish these thoughts would leave my mind, For, Justus I will never fully receive! Yes, I should have told, what she'll never tell. With this thought, I'm deprived of sleep. "Lost" Lost without you, hear am I. Lost and longing for the dead. You killed our love, it's clear to see. You lied, you loved, it seems to me. I do not cry, for all those times, I've told you, and you've told me, lies. I've cried for when you've left me be. I've longed for you to think of me. You've tried, to take me back. But this time, fear, I seem to lack! I've longed for you, and I'm lost without, your love, I hope, to no longer doubt. "Meagan's Plea" Below she screams her plea. Her secret, no longer safe with me. Her heart, blazed with desire. She skims the night for death. Towering in the sky, her empire lies far from eye. Golden locks fall down her back. Her castle contains, but a single crack. The skies turn black, with hate. Her blood, now red with lust. It taste so good, she feels the pain, which came from mothers love. In her hand, she takes the sword, which slay her love before. Her mind is gone, pain left alone. She takes her life with glee. "Adam 2" Beauty, Is all I see, when I look into your eyes. Pleasure, rushes through me, as you squeeze, my inner this! My eyes roll back. I taste your kiss. A love like this, I'd never miss! Never give up a chance, to live in such bliss! Touch me again, I beg you, love! Deeper you push, and I rise above! You come inside me. I feel the rush! I'll never love again! No, not ever, this much! "Suffocated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Solve my mysteries, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood?rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am I sane? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cried last night. My mother doesn't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. ? "To Me" Bound up, I have no where to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minute, as I kiss your lips. Those lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Stretched and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, whispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I mente you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Noose" The sound of your voice, raps a noose around my neck. I pull, but it doesn't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The noose, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you cannot harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtsy, I do, to the dark. It's soul, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lying in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theirs no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theirs no where left to go. Theirs no one left to love, when theirs no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the whip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too young was I to run away. I'm scared, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! "Sufficated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Unsolve my mistories, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am i sain? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cryed last night. My mother dosen't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. "To Me" Bound up, I have no wat to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minunt, as I kiss your lips. Thoes lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Streached and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, wispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I ment you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Nuse" The sound of your voice, raps a nuse around my neck. I pull, but it dosen't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The nuse, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you can not harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtcie, I do, to the dark. It's soal, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lyeing in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theres no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theres no where left to go. Theres no one left to love, when theres no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the wip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too yung was I to run away. I'm scard, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! "Pain" This pain that takes hold, of my life is in my soul. This pain I feel inside, traps itself within me, hides. This love I feel in you, I feel it yet I feel blue. This evil they say lye's within my eyes, will one dat blacken all the sky. This love I feel in you, I know it's forever, know it's true. "Out Of The Darkness" Out of the darkness she popped, to find the key to my soul. She took one look and she seized it, for she new my weakness, was her. She tricked me with her love note, she stabbed me with her soared. She kissed me and said, "My darling, what's mine is now yours." Her love I knew for a short time, but will forever know, how she saved me from my darkness, as we made love in her bed. Laced with flowers that smelt like roses, but I was not quite sure, for the smell quickly drifted, as we held our hands tight. She killed us with her double blade, left dyeing side by side. "True Love" My luv, I shall rise above. I promise that I will find some way, to make it where I'll always stay. Together we will be rescued from harm, you'll trap my tears with your charm. No matter what it takes to be your wife, I'll make any kind of sacrifice. For love is true when it's with you, I know now that were not mente to be two. Yet one soul that burns with fire, which hold all our deepest desires. My luv, I can't let go, for your the only one I truly know. 'Cause I am you and you are me, and I'm sure that's mente to be. So in the end I shall rise above, to find you, my true luv. "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! "I lye with my love" I lye with my love in pooles of blood. The darkness pulled us down. I stair blankley at the wall, witch holds our souals. Together we burn in hell! A kiss of death. The taste of read. Our lifes not ment to be. Bound together in blood. Never have know such love, yet ours is clear to see!

2003-06-07 18:46:10 (GMT) Jun. 7 2003 Hi... I'm Danielle/FLERTKILLA well I've had jurnals befor ebut neva on tha net. I'm going 2 warn u now .... I can't spell worth a shit! Anywayz hears how it goes.... I'm 13 and live in a back woods, Bible belt community ... so u know me being bisexual isn't 2 good around where I live! I'm in love ... with 2 different people and they love me 2 (so I'm verry lucky!) lol Adam & me have been 2getha going on 7 months! Me an Ashley have had a few problems before but we are starting 2 get 2 know each otha betta now so were dating again and I'm very happy of that! I've lived a hard fuckin life!... but I'll get into all that anotha day.The only good thing about my shitty life is that it inspired me 2 write. I've intered all types of poetry contest and even won a couple ... so I know I'm good. lol Anymawayz hear is an example of some .... I will add more latta. "Departure" Ashley, has left me alone. Her feelings for me, now all gone. When she laid beside me, asleep, Her expectation's, I knew, I could never meet. Now I feel so horribly, ashamed, for this pain, refuses to stray. "Love's Hate" I love you, when there is no love, left to give. I miss you, even when I'm with you, it makes me cringe! I love you, so why am I out plotting, plotting my sweet revenge? I loth you, when you look at me, and don't care to touch. I hate you, because I love you, too damn much! 'Ashley' Ashley's eyes gaze upon me. From that comfort I do seek. When I hear her speak my name, I feel her lips grays my cheek. No greater beauty in this world, in life or death shall I meet. I cry at night and hope she knows, that it is her love I long to keep. Her soul speaks right to me, for without her I feel so bleak. I cringe to know that she can lay, without me in bed and sleep. Although I droned in pools of tears, my love for her I dare not speak. Her beauty kills me day by day, as lion's kill the week. 'Night Fall' Beauty blends, as the night descends. The wraith has taken hold. Motherless in this world, fatherless in my soul. I cry for her lushes kiss, as I die in Ashley's world. So scared I am, fear pores from my wounds. Subdues me I beg the goddess, that taunts me in my dreams. Her name I cry take me, let me feel what is now you, hold on to me, please don't let go. I lye with you, and pray to feel your warmth. Death consumes me, as night becomes day. Take my hand, please lead my way. Will you need me in your life? I love you, and hope it's fate. Lost I am without my lighter. So please hold my hand! I love you with all my hart and soul, though I die, I hope you know! "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! "Deprived" Drive me up the walls. When I sleep I see his face. It comes to me like times before, when I was too young to run away. Afraid, I lye in bed and cry. I know he'll come back soon. But It's not him that hold's me down. I can look past that and be OK. It's the one that knew and never told, how her child was raped by the night. I just wish these thoughts would leave my mind, For, Justus I will never fully receive! Yes, I should have told, what she'll never tell. With this thought, I'm deprived of sleep. "Lost" Lost without you, hear am I. Lost and longing for the dead. You killed our love, it's clear to see. You lied, you loved, it seems to me. I do not cry, for all those times, I've told you, and you've told me, lies. I've cried for when you've left me be. I've longed for you to think of me. You've tried, to take me back. But this time, fear, I seem to lack! I've longed for you, and I'm lost without, your love, I hope, to no longer doubt. "Meagan's Plea" Below she screams her plea. Her secret, no longer safe with me. Her heart, blazed with desire. She skims the night for death. Towering in the sky, her empire lies far from eye. Golden locks fall down her back. Her castle contains, but a single crack. The skies turn black, with hate. Her blood, now red with lust. It taste so good, she feels the pain, which came from mothers love. In her hand, she takes the sword, which slay her love before. Her mind is gone, pain left alone. She takes her life with glee. "Adam 2" Beauty, Is all I see, when I look into your eyes. Pleasure, rushes through me, as you squeeze, my inner this! My eyes roll back. I taste your kiss. A love like this, I'd never miss! Never give up a chance, to live in such bliss! Touch me again, I beg you, love! Deeper you push, and I rise above! You come inside me. I feel the rush! I'll never love again! No, not ever, this much! -Holla- FLERTKILLA 2003-06-12 07:45:49 (GMT) My life sux! I'm going to put some new poems in hear today. But does it realy matter? I'm in one of thoes I feel fuckin horrable moods! I wish i could find a way to end it all! Like I wrote in one of my poems "I don't wana live." "I don't wana die" that's kinda how I feel right about now. I wana just throw my finger in the air and say fuck tha world and all it's bull shit and just leave! What tha hell am I talking about? Where tha fuck would I go? I'm gona be stuck in this hell hole until I find my own way out. I don't wana dissapoint the people that love me.(Well that's not many but u get my point). "Suffocated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Solve my mysteries, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood?rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am I sane? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cried last night. My mother doesn't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. ? "To Me" Bound up, I have no where to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minute, as I kiss your lips. Those lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Stretched and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, whispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I mente you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Noose" The sound of your voice, raps a noose around my neck. I pull, but it doesn't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The noose, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you cannot harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtsy, I do, to the dark. It's soul, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lying in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theirs no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theirs no where left to go. Theirs no one left to love, when theirs no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the whip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too young was I to run away. I'm scared, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 2003-06-23 03:46:32 (GMT) I am soo... happy! I'm no longer mad at Ashley. I know I havent wrote in a while so you probly don't know y I waz but anywayz. She's been a bitch 2 me when all I've eva been 2 her waz good. I mean I let her cheat on me one time... and yeah we broak up but I did get back 2getha wid her. I know she's jelous of Adam tho. It's funny realy! I bet Adam neva thought anyone would eva be jelous of him! I have 2 remember tell him that 2 make him fell betta sometime. Ashley if you read this you can shill out on tha whole I neva wana talk 2 you again thing because you know you are no betta than me! I have one question 4 you. I mean I know you waz wid Jennifer tha first time we dated... an you said she waz good. Well hears someting you probly didn't think that I knew. This time waz Sheron any good? I hope not. I hope she gave you everything you diserve. You know I waz good 2 you ... well when you wernt pushing away! But enough about her! I happier than I've eva been wid Adam right now! He shows me love that Ashley neva seemed 2 won't 2 show. He understands me (well tha best he can) and respects me 100%! I love him sooo... much! Hear lately ... sience I've droped Ashley we've been talking alot about our future 2getha. He loves me! I know he does for that's all he eva talks about, is us growing up 2getha and being happy and living in a big house with four or more beautiful children. He tells me how he's gonna be a macanic and provide for us and he told me that I could do what eva I wonted. He said that he would neva stop me from going into tha military and becoming a layer like I wana do. I love him sooo.... much! I have a lot of shit going on right now that I'm 2 scard 2 write about on tha net right now ... but Adam is behind me tha whole time helping me and I am verry greatful of that! 2003-06-23 22:16:49 (GMT) I am realeaved ... at last! All the bad things that have happened 2 me in my life has seemed 2 come to a hult. I'm no longer depreased 24-eva. I feel like a jient weight has been lited off of my shoulders. I may have made some mistakes in tha past but I hope that I can go back now a correct all of the major ones possible. I said before that I had doughts about Adam & me ... well that's over! I know that Adam & I will alwayz be happy 2-getha! I can feel it so strong inside me that when I think about him I feel like I'm gona explode! This summer has been betta than I thought it would be! I believe that this is tha best summa that I have eva had. I mean besides all tha time it took 2 prepare for what had 2 be done ... (I might explain that latta). I'm just glad that one of tha worst parts of this whole thing is ova! I can't weight 2 go back 2 school ... even tho this year I won't get 2 see Adam because he's going 2 Richmond and I'm steel in Rockingham. I know that a lot of people may not like me. To be quite frank about that now tho... I don't realy care. This whole year is going 2 be a fun chalenge for me. For tha first time in my life I might actually have a reason 2 be lonely. I know that men can be week under tha influence of a woman ... but I also know that some men (men of todays world) have been able 2 stand up 2 that chalenge. I have come 2 realise that for some God offal reason I actually wont 2 make a relationship work in my life so much, that I'm actually having fun working and acheaving tha goals that I have set for myself and Adam's future. Were only a few steps away from eturnal happiness... I'm sooooo..... glad! 2003-06-27 02:46:26 (GMT) I need no more I don't have 2 hide behind love anymore. I'm glad that Ashley dosent wont me back and that when Matt & I dated he lied tha whole time! Now I know that I don't need that false securiety of hope. All I need now is to live. I don't need Adam. I have him & I love him with all my heart! I just don't have 2 depend upon his love for me 2 move on through the day. I know that Ashley dosent understand me and that she never will ... but that's her. I don't hate her & I don't know if I love her. I'm sure that if the situation was different & I would have got 2 know her then I would totally love her. She can say things & take them back again & over & over again a million times but it has no meaning 2 me anymore. I know shes going 2 twist & turn everything I say ... so I'm not worried about that. I had a relationship a year back that ment the world 2 me. His name was Matthew & we lasted for at the time what seemed like a centry 2 me 5 months. Until a few dayes ago that relationship from my past steal ment quite a lot 2 me. After speaking with him again I've realised that people change with time. I've also realised that you never know who you could swair that you knew. I hated finding out that the relationship that I had treasuerd most was based upon lyes & fantacies ... but it was for the best. With knowing the truth I can rest easier at night. Before we spoke again steal in the depths of my heart I wanted 2 feel his love once more. I'm glad that I don't have 2 wish for something that I can't have now. I'm glad that I no longer have 2 judge Adam by the "God-like" roal that Matt played so well. I no longer have 2 feel guilt for harming someone who loved me, for he never loved me at all (even tho. he denies this). I'm rejoicing inwardley, for I no longer feel the pain. PS: I LOVE ADAM!!!!!!! 2003-06-27 03:07:36 (GMT) A few poems "Sufficated" Suffocated, in my life. I've gave all there is to give. Which way did I turn? Which road shall I take? Is the darkness hear, or gone? Unscramble, my mind, if you wish to have me, to love. Unsolve my mistories, and feel in my blanks. Just a simple hug, or kiss, and my brick wall, shall shake "Last Night" Blood rushed from me. He stole my pride last night. The sheets all red. I felt such pain. Is that why, no longer, am i sain? To say he's wrong, for what he did, is that an, understatement, in the end? All I know, is that I cryed last night. My mother dosen't care, that inside, I died, last night. "Lost" Lost in his eyes, I've found the light, and strayed, to the darkness again. Lost in his kiss, I taste the blood. His screams, no use to me. I'm lost in the night. I've found my love. "To Me" Bound up, I have no wat to turn. My bodies, broken and unused. I've longed for love. I've longed for you. You made my dreams, come true. Your all I'll ever have, or need. You take the pain away. To thank you again, for what it's worth, your all there is to me. "Adam # 3" Shivering, inside of you, yet your skin, keeps me warm. Your hart, I hold in my hands, it beats a thousand times, per minunt, as I kiss your lips. Thoes lips, I taste, are red and sweet. I feel no pain, for you've saved me, long ago. Shivering, inside of you, I wept, last night. You were there to kiss, my tears, away from me, I thanked you so. Your love is warm. Don't let me go. "Turned Frown" Streached and pulled, I lye hear dead, and all my dreams, of you. I've plunged, into the darkness. My sprit chased me down. I love you, wispered into my ear, has turned my smile, to frown. "Burning" Burning in hell, I am today. Hear the screams, of others, I do but no one is louder, than you. Why have you left? I ment you no harm. I loved you once. You loved me too, but now that love is gone. "Nuse" The sound of your voice, raps a nuse around my neck. I pull, but it dosen't come off. Shut up, I scream, just go away. The nuse, so God damn tight! Let go of me. Don't speak my name! When you breath, it closes more. Step away, you can not harm me, I say as the blood pores. "Near" The end is near. I know, for I feel no pain. The end is near. So close, so close, that you could taste. Curtcie, I do, to the dark. It's soal, I feel, steal mine. So close we are, to the end! So close. The end is near. "Keep Holding My Hand" Keep holding my hand. You make me feel loved. In your eyes, I see hunger, for me, and nothing more. Lyeing in your arms, I feel safe, so warm. I'm crying, in your hart. Please, lets never part! "Forever" Why won't you leave? Yes, why do you stay? I love you so much! Please, promise, you'll not stray! Tell me that you love. I don't care if it's a lie. Tell me that you care. Tell me that you'll die, with me, in my little world. Tell me that you love, forever isn't enough! "Unthought Of" Unthought of, and unloved. Will I forever spend my life, this way, when theres no way, to tell if this is right? "Nothing" There's no where left to live, when theres no where left to go. Theres no one left to love, when theres no one that I know. "Hurt" Hurt, I am. I feel his kiss. Does he love me? Is this just a dream? Why do I do this? Why am I, who I am? I don't wont to live! I don't wont to die! Go away! Get out of my mind! To the voices inside, please leave me be! "Chills" The chills, that I get, they take me away. I see no pain. I feel no hurt, as the wip lashes my back, and I feel the blood pore. Too yung was I to run away. I'm scard, to fall asleep! When blood was red, and death was black, he stole my life. I must take it back! "Pain" This pain that takes hold, of my life is in my soul. This pain I feel inside, traps itself within me, hides. This love I feel in you, I feel it yet I feel blue. This evil they say lye's within my eyes, will one dat blacken all the sky. This love I feel in you, I know it's forever, know it's true. "Out Of The Darkness" Out of the darkness she popped, to find the key to my soul. She took one look and she seized it, for she new my weakness, was her. She tricked me with her love note, she stabbed me with her soared. She kissed me and said, "My darling, what's mine is now yours." Her love I knew for a short time, but will forever know, how she saved me from my darkness, as we made love in her bed. Laced with flowers that smelt like roses, but I was not quite sure, for the smell quickly drifted, as we held our hands tight. She killed us with her double blade, left dyeing side by side. "True Love" My luv, I shall rise above. I promise that I will find some way, to make it where I'll always stay. Together we will be rescued from harm, you'll trap my tears with your charm. No matter what it takes to be your wife, I'll make any kind of sacrifice. For love is true when it's with you, I know now that were not mente to be two. Yet one soul that burns with fire, which hold all our deepest desires. My luv, I can't let go, for your the only one I truly know. 'Cause I am you and you are me, and I'm sure that's mente to be. So in the end I shall rise above, to find you, my true luv. "Unforgivin" Scared, I cannot catch my breath, with him in mind. Scared, I can't move, I'm dyeing inside. Lost, In this dream. I can't break through. Lost, so far gone, no simple cure will do. unforgivin, she says it's my fault, what happened to me. Unforgivin, I beg my mind, please leave me be! 2003-07-02 04:54:31 (GMT) Sometimes I think I'm going crazy Theres alwaz been something wrong with me. I use 2 worry about it while I wasted my life away. I don't realy care now. I'm glad I'm crazy! I love being able 2 go through all this shit that most would think of as straange! I would hate it if I were normal! I've finally found someone who I am happy with. I hope that he's not afraid when he learns who I realy am tho. R does he know who I am? You know I think he might. I know thoes of u who read this shit get tired of me talking about Adam ... but I can't help it! I love him when I hate the world. Is anything better than that? I know that I will only live a few years in this life. No matter what anyone tell me I've alwayz know this 2 be true. If I don't die from suiside ... I'll die from murder of the heart! I feel death looming each day! If you know me you know it's true. Christine Danielle Talley ... that's me. If you know me (an ur not Adam) you eatha think I'm weard & kool r you think I'm evial and must die. Maby I am evial. If I am I hope 2 cast a spell upon all thoes whoo've done me wrong. I curse the day that I waz boorn, 4 who hasent cursed my life before? I dance with the dead & run with my hatchet. I will forever be alive in my dead little world. "I lye with my love" I lye with my love in pooles of blood. The darkness pulled us down. I stair blankley at the wall, witch holds our souals. Together we burn in hell! A kiss of death. The taste of read. Our lifes not ment to be. Bound together in blood. Never have know such love, yet ours is clear to see! Love : FLERTKILLA 2003-07-03 08:18:09 (GMT) Ashley & I are at piece again. Ashley & I are at piece again. It's truley horrable 2 see us when we are at war! I don't think that we'll eva be able 2 understand one anotha ... but maby that's tha fun part. Adam & I are experiencing new feelings in our relationship that I believe wern't there before. We have both grown. Even tho we play & fight all tha time ... we have become more mature than we eva thought we could have been. I can't weight 2 grow old with him. I can't weight 2 spend my 4-alwayz in love! Love:Christine Danielle Long D.T. n 4-alwayz! A.L. 2003-07-19 04:13:43 (GMT) Die Another Day I know that tis is a cheasey title of a 007 movie, but it realy means something 2 me. It means that for one day in my life I'm actually not thinking about suiside. I am so happy! That is so fuckin alsome 2 say! You just wouldn't know how long I've wanted 2 say that. The only prob;em is that I don't know why. I don't know why I feel the way I do & I don't know how. All I know is that right now I'm a piece & for some strange reason that frightens me more than anything! I know much mess than I use 2. Today I read my old diary from when I lived with my mother & step fathor nearley 3 years ago. I knew that I was confused about life then but I didn't know how much & I steal don't know. My whole life seems like a dream. Constant love affairs seem so far away know. My life seems 2 drift off. My memory has once again gone blank. I thought that by reading my old diary that I could somehow come into contact with my former self. The truth was that I am now ferther away than I ever have been. I'm loosing everything but this time it dosen't hurt. I have very few memories know. I can bearley even remember the love of my life, Adam. It does scair me a little. But I know that now I can start over. Adam will alwayz be there for me & it will be like nothing bad had ever happended. I'm just afraid of what will happen when I have 2 walk into that court room & drag up all thoes forgoten memories. I don't even remember the good times over there anymore. I don't know if I wish I did or not. All I know is that once again it's time for me 2 forget. I know Adam will alow me 2 because all he likes 2 think of is the good thinge anywayz. This way I don't have 2 hold grudges against him that were never his doing. I love him & I am now once again at piece. 2003-07-20 03:11:33 (GMT) Undesided Deshions come and go in everyones lifes. I look at mine & realise that I'm not sure if I made any right ones, wrong ones, or anything in between. Certian things trigger certian emotions in me like anyone else. The only thing is that in me, when these emotions are triggered, that triggered emotion pulls itself into full force. In other words I feel all things extreamly too strongley. For example: pain, fear, lonelyness, gloom, happieness, love, life, & death. I've finally found a reasoning in behind all of this. It seems that my life is a case of someone on the "Borderline". I know it sounds like something someone says when there angry, but it actually is a proven condition. I have went through all possibilties. I had even considered my self as a "Manic Depersive". It turs out though, that there are many times that I am nothing less than the happiest person alive. Therefore, this thierie was thrown out the window. I've also realised that my lifestile now, somehow relates to situations in my past. This means that to get rid of my past, is to loose all the pain of today and my future. I have total confidence in that plain. As of now I'm only weighting, for the "Bottom to Drop Out". I know this may seem silly or "teanagerish", but it's nothing less than the truth, that everytime something goes right in my life, it never fails to go wrong. Yes, an oxymoron I know it to be, but the truth, it is! Pain is destiend to come & I know this. All there is left to do is stail it. I don't know in what form or manner it shall come, but believe me when I say, "It shall"! I only hope that it has nothing to do with mine & Adam's relationship, for that would be the last blow. If I ever lost him I would be through. I would be no more, for I am alive only with him! 2003-07-24 05:39:28 (GMT) I'm happy for Ashley I'm happy for Ashley ... I just kinda feel a lil jelous now. She told this chick that she just met on tha net that she loved her. I guess she realy does, it just hurt a lil 2 know that she waz that open with someone she just met when it took her forever 2 worm up 2 me. Oh well time moves on & old wonds heal. I hope she don't shut me out now though. She probly wont have any time to talk 2 me on tha net anymore now & we never talk on tha phone anyway. I guess now I'm going 2 have 2 realy start acting like only a friend & let her live her life & talk 2 me when she wonts. I steal had a few strong feelings towards her but I guess I have 2 let that go somehow now. She probly wont even read this. She'll probly be 2 into talking to that girl. Oh well. Oh but if you do read this know that I give you all the best wishes & that I'll alwayz be open 2 talk or just 2 goof around if you ever wont 2 again. I guess I'll be able 2 consentrate with Adam more 2. I mean I have 2 look at the good part of this. Were doing so well that people could think that we were a match made in heaven, or Shangri-La in our case! Another bad thing about this chick that Ashley is with ... she's down wid tha clown like me & Adam! & I caused them 2 meet. Well I'm steal happie for her! I hope she gets lots of love! Ashley broke up with tha girl she waz seeing on tha net Thing is that I'm seeing her now. I guess neather one of us told her. I think that I'm in love with Tia. She is so beautiful! If I could I would put her pic. in hear & prove it but tha damn thing wont let me! Anywayz, I waz gonna kill myself 2 night. Adam talked me out of it like alwayz but this time it waz different. I waz realy starting 2 scare him. He waz crying & beging me not 2 for at least an hour. I hate 2 but him through so much pain like that! it kills me 2 know that he cries for my life. He realy loves me I know it! Tia (my new girlfriend) might be pregnate. I think that is sooooo.... winderful! It makes me wont 2 be so bad! Adam swairs that we will have one as soon as possible. He said that he wont's 2 be able 2 take care of us first. I love him so much! He is planing on byeing me an engagement ring as soon as he gets the money. I can't weight 2 prove 2 tha world that I am his. Tia & I talked about it & we thought it would be so kool 4 us 2 have kids 2 getha & let them grow up calling both of us mommy. I just can't weight until I actually get 2 see her! But for now I have 2 go 2 sleep so I can be nice & pritty 4 Adam in tha morning because I'm going 2 his house 4 a few hours. Well I guess I'll write a lil longer.... I haven't herd from Ashley in a while. I'm sure she is ready 2 go back 2 school though so that she can find a new girlfriend. I didn't seem 2 be 2 good 4 her because she wrote 2 me saying that she found no one good this summer & that is when we dated. Oh well life goes on @ least we don't hate each other! 2003-08-04 06:36:08 (GMT) un-understood I changed tha name of my diary 2 tha name of my diary that is not on tha com. Adam realy loves me & I love him! Life is just bringing me so damn far down! I don't know what I'm living for sometimes now. I can just sit there starin at tha wall or somethin for hours just thinkin & talkin 2 Adam & myself & otha people in my head. I haven't told my shrink that though because I don't wont 2 be sent away or anything. I wont 2 be with Adam where I can be happy. He loves me so much. He keeps begging me 2 hold on for a little longer. I swair baby that I'm tryin! I told him that I would give him 2 weeks for him 2 prove 2 me that he needs me more than anything else in his life because he asked me 2. I would do anything for him. His parents are sweet but most of the time they see me as the rest of the world does. It hurts when I see them treating me like I'm a whore. Adam swairs that they don't mean it and that they love me 2 death but sometimes that's hard 2 believe. I've been dating Adam now for about 9 months. I've never found such love. By him loving me I've realised that no one has ever loved me like him before. He swairs 2 me that he will make all the pain go away. I believe him 2! I've never trusted anyone mor ethan I do him. I've never loved anyone more & never will be able 2 or be able 2 be loved more by anyone!It's easy 2 die for someone but it takes all the power in the world 2 live for someone expesially if you see yourself as useless in this world. I know that Adam thinks tha exact fuckin opposite though. He treats me as if I were a queen. I don't even diserve half the man that he is! & yet I know that our love will 4-alwayz be! 2003-08-04 06:40:47 (GMT) I had 13 entreies I had 13 entries. I didn't won't 2 put any bad luck upon Adam & my reltionship so I thought that I would add a fourteenth one just in case! I love him with my life, death, body, mind, soul & spirit& anything else that happens 2 come 2 mind! I love him & I will 4-alwayz!!!! 2003-08-05 05:52:50 (GMT) Not quite sure I keep thinking that I'm getting better but then for some reason I back slide again. I'm afraid of being lonely, expesially if it means not being with Adam! I have 2 hear him tell me that he loves me everyday or I can't take it! This is why I know that I won't be able 2 go through with my suiside unless he comes with me @ the exact same time. He told me before that he would wind up doing it if I did but that he would get revenge for me first. I love him so much for thinking of me like that! He thinks that all that's happened 2 me is the reason that I'm doing this though. I now that inside he knows that it's not the only though. He keeps telling me that he wished that he would have met me pefore all the pain came, but I told him that fate has a way of things & it wouldn't have been the same if he had. He wonts 2 bee with me 4-alwayz & that's why he's afraid of death. He dosen't know for sure if we would be 2-gether or not after we die. I had never thought about that before & him saying that realy scared me into realiety! Steel thinking of it though... I can't help but be a little scaird. I have to think through this big time! I would never do thisa if it ment loosing Adam! He is the only good part there is of me. The funny thing is that he thinks I'm the most perfect thing in the world. He loves everything about me. He even thinks that I'm beautiful. I love him & he loves me. Nothing or no one will ever come between us! 2003-08-18 04:15:25 (GMT) 9 mounths!!!!!! I am so very freakin happy 2-day! Today is mine and Adam's 9th anivershary! That's almost a year! Were already trying 2 figure out what 2 get each other for our birthdays sience there both in October. Mine is before his though because it's on tha 2nd & his is on tha 21st, so that way I have an advantage. I get to let him get me something first & have more time to pick out what I wont 2 get him. I love him soooo.... much! I went 2 his house yesterday. I saw Ashley's mamas car at her grandmas that lives right beside Adam but I didn't see eather one of them. I had fun yesterday! Adam almost broke my anchel though. We were playing around in tha pool & we fell of tha steps or something like that. It feels better now though. He kissed my foot & even though I would normally consider that grose I can't help but think that is waz terrobley romantic & sweet! We got in on in his grandmas pool again. lol Both times we almost got cought but we never did. Sience I twiztid my anchle Adam had 2 carry me on his shoulders back 2 his house. The only bad part about that waz that he had hurt his anchel tha day before! Oh well I guess I better go now it's getting kinda late & I wont 2 go dream of my future baby's daddy! I love you Adam!!!!!!!!!!!! 4-alwayz!!! 2003-08-18 21:35:46 (GMT) weard I don't realy know what 2 talk about 2-day. I never like 2 say that everything is going good because it never is. I'm happy when I'm with Adam though! My mind keeps spining and I think that I'm starting to like it. I've alwayz feared it before, now I welcome it with open armes! No I'm not using drugs. I haven't done that in quite a while! I'm just feeling so damn weard! I know that I just got back from Adam's house but I'm already missing him again! I'm afraid that I might not be able to see him this weekend though because my brother Damon is comming over for tha weekend but maby Adam can come over hear instead of me going over there again this weekend! I hope that daddy will let him! I mean he's being his self again, (ass whole!) I wish that he would hurry up so I can get tha hell off tha net so that I can talk 2 Adam! I have 4 freakin projects dew in tha next few weeks & I need some computer paper so that I can print it out! I'm listning 2 some crazy as hell Gerala song while I'm on hear so that it won't be all boring. I'm taking typing class & I'm practicing typing & it kinda hurts my rist! It feels like my rist keeps cramping up or something. it hurts real bad damnet! Oh well thinking of Adam makes anykind of pain go away! I have him 4-alwayz & he has me just as long!!!!! 2003-09-16 03:01:24 (GMT) Who I am Who I am .... I am who I am, and that is many things. I am never constant. I am a forever changing being. In many ways I am like the rest of the world, but in most ways I?m not. To say that I had a hard childhood would be an understatement. From the time that I was born until around the age of two, I lived with my biological father, Danny Talley, and mother, Christy McCoy. I don?t remember much from that time because I was so young, but from what I?ve herd and learned even back then was pretty ruff. My mother never cared for me and I could have died many times before the age of two from her lack of care. Thankfully my dad was there to save me from her. I don?t know why, but my mother started cheating on my dad with a man named David Stewart. My mom and dad eventually got a divorce and therefore I had to live with my mom. Soon after that she married David. I lived with them for many years and as time passed by, each one was worse than the other. My mom was bearing my half sister Amber when she married David and about two years latter they had my half brother Solomon. My dad during this time had already remarried and divorced to a woman, Elisabeth Skeen who never seemed to like me or anyone else in my family. Amber, Solomon and I were never really close at all, but Damon, my brother from my dad and Elisabeth and I always were. When Elisabeth would get mad the first thing she would do, would be run away with him and not let anyone know where she was. One day she got really mad and didn?t let anyone know. She left with Damon for four years. His not being there for that long effected me and everyone else greatly. Even at such a young age I hated everything about living with my mom and David. I Knew that nothing was ever right in that house, and I also knew that most of the problems had to do with me. I never liked the way that David would touch me, and for years I didn?t know that what he did was severely wrong. I went to my dads and grandparents every Wednesday and every other weekend. I always took comfort in my departure from that house of hell! My papa tells me now of how I use to scream and cry when it came time for me to go back. He also tells me of how he, my grandmother, and my dad would see broses sometimes so bad on me that they would take pictures hoping that that would make my mom and David stop abusing me ... theres more 2 come soon ... steal workin on it. 2003-09-20 19:59:42 (GMT) keep tryin I keep tryin to finish the story but tha rest is at school in my locker. I don't wont to change any of the words or anything because I like tham the way thay are. Oh yeah & for that project that I had 2 do with this in it I made a 88. I felt like I should of made a lil higher though considering all of tha shit that I waz letting her know about me. I tell you one thing that woman is fuckin nosey! There was a whole lot more that we had to do for the project but I think that this was the most reveling, besides the one where we had to write about our family. I mean I had to hold back in that one to try not to talk as bad as I wanted to about my mama. I swair if that wouldn't have been a school asignment it would have been so much more hard core. I think I'll write it over just to put in hear so I can truly let this world know just how much of an uncaring negletent mother she realy is. Anywayz until then I am steal waiting on my forgetful ass to remember to bring my project home. Write more latter....... ~Flertkilla~ ~Christine Danielle Long~ 2003-10-01 22:50:45 (GMT) I don't understand Why am I not happy??? I feel the same pain that I have felt for years. The ones I love never know exackley how much, and the ones I hate never know the truth of it. I don't see how I can go on living this way, and the truth of it is that I'm not living at all, but constantally everyday struggaling to prove to myself, that something is worth going on this way for. I don't expect anyone to understand me, and maby that's why they don't. Each day I tell my lies to myself and others, that everything is ok, when inside I know that there is something very wrong. I hang my head down low, and I cry like the child that I should have been aloud to be, but I'm NOT a child, because I waz never aloud to be. And now I dont know how. All that I know is the pain, and missery, of an adult that has already led a full life. My life was over before it ever started, because I waz never given a chance, and will never have a chance to prove who I realy am, or what I'm realy worth. I damn myself to hell, for becoming this hedious monstar, on the inside that they, have formed for me. If I coulod just lye and rot. I would but I have this overwellming being inside of me, that can't weight to break free, and kill. Yes I said it, finally it took this long to let it out, and yet I said it. I will kill, and I will be happy in doing so. No one can stop me, not even the sweet, sweet love that Adam supplys me, that once held be back from even thoughts of this. I must do what has to be done, before it is to lateand there is nothing left to prove. No oneunderstands, and I know that when the time comes, almost no one will back me. I prey that Adam will be there. I prey to the god that loves all, but never, ever loved me, that Adam will know, and understand my actions, and continue to love me, as no one ever has before. No one has ever came so close as Adam, in understanding me, but then again, no one has ever been so far away. When I bleed I will not bleed for myself, but for the love of others. I will kill who has to be killed, then take myself, out with them. They know who they are. They have to pretend, no more. There day is looming. I cry for them and myself now, but it makes no matter. They have destroyed my life, each one of them, in there verry on special way. They have made me, into this beast and now along with me, they must suffer. Damn them all to hell, and let them burn in eturnity with me, at their side, spiting in their face, for causing such destruction. They made me. I am what they created. I am pain, and suffering, and terrer, and love, all in one. Caset out, I soon shall be, even more so than I am now. This pain, that I feel, will soon became a minor nothing. All that will be left, is justice, and love for that, which is forever more. 2003-10-07 01:59:31 (GMT) willing I feel dead and I wont to die. The sunner the better in my case. I slit my rist and that use to help ease the pain but now I know that it wont go away. What scares me is that I don't want it to go away. It is the faint lovlieness of lonlieness that causes me to feel this way. Adam is confused and I know so many others are also but the truth is I can't help but not give a damn. It seems very rude when in fact it isn't at all it's just the way that I feel and every day that feeling gets stranger. I know that I can't last much longer. And hell no I am not just saying this for attention. In fact that's the exact opposit of which I wish to acheave. I want to die which means that I want to be alone. Alone for all eturnity. I just know that where ever I go and no matter what I do I know that I need Adam by my side. He is becoming more of me everyday. I know that I could never loose him. There is no, "well what if I did", because I know that I want. It is not at all possible. And with that I mean every word that I say. My love now goes to only one. All of the others are just a sweet memory. I don't regreat that in any way or form. Yes I will miss the way the feelings they gave me felt, but thats all. I alwayz thought that I would die alone but now I have someone by my side. And his hand I will never let go of, even if I have to drag him into death with me. I know that he would come willingly ... just for me. 2003-10-14 02:54:40 (GMT) Death I guess life comes and gose. In 8th grade right around the time that Adam and i first started dating I this girl named Kim Bird called me and said that she had dated Trey Gathens at the same time that I had. I wasn't pissed off because it had been about a year sence Trey and I broke up and he wasn't important to me anymore anywayz. Actually when I found this out we both thought it waz kinda fummy because we also had both been cheated on by this guy that we both knew named Robert Cassidy. I was dating Adam at the time and she was dating this guy named Timmy. I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while and I was delited to find out that she waz edventuring into becomming bisexual. We talked on the phone for a long time that night and got to know each other pritty good. We dated for about two months and then we just kinda went our seperate wayz. During that time I Adam and I were steel dating and I was reintrodused to Ashley Brittan who I did not at the time know was his cosen. Ashley and I talked for a while and eventually dated. We broke up eventually for a numerous amount of reasons and I began talking to Kim again. During this time we had never met except for on the phone. We described ourselves to each other vivadly though. She was the tipe of bisexual who wanted to look like a guy. Of corse I thought that that was kool so I began feeling the same way. I regreat never being able to meet her in person because for a long while we were verry much in love with one another. I remember being jelous one time when she called me and there was a bunch of girls at her house that she waz flerting with that waz her friends. I also remember calling her one night at 2:00 in the morning and getting her into trouble. I swair that I will miss her because she was so verry nice to me. She called me about 2 weeks back and I couldn't talk to her because it waz late but I wanted to so bad. She told me to call her back, but I guess I waz too late on that. I called and talked to her sister in law and she told me everything. I may not have ever met her in person but she will alwayz have a place in my heart. The news crushed me. I just wish that I would of had that last chance to talk to her! I have lost a dear friend! 2003-10-21 02:03:57 (GMT) almost a year!!! I can't believe that Adam and I have lasted this long! So many people keep fucking with us that brings me down, but Adam is alwayz there to pick me up again. I love him so much! I don't know why people choose to make up dirty lies about us, and try to swing on his nuts wid lyes like muda fuckin hown dawgs! I mean fuck tha rest of tha word! We have each other now. My friend Baily and I are getting real close again. I think this time were closer than ever tho. She's like my agervating, midget sister lol. I hope that Adam can go to the movies wid us this weekend! He probably will be able to. I have then to thank for my steel being here. Baily for being supportave and cuzzing my ass out when I talk about anything "we consider" negative, and Adam for his everything! It's good to know that I have him to love me when no ones else does. He has and will be here for me no matter what! He is different from some people I know that can take their love back like a barrowed CD. I mean everyone has to get sick of people like that sometime. A lot of people will think I'm talking about them when I say this, but I believe the person I am talking about will truly know it's the truth. I've almost completly got over Kim now. I have to learn to put the past where it belongs and that includes a lot of other people and things along with her. Adam is my future. I have to learn to deticate my life to only him, and I have to say that I am a whole lot further along with that that I use to be. I am no longer afraid that I will never have anyone in my life because Adam has seen the true me a number of times and he steel loves me and is steel with me, so I have nothing to worry about! I am addicted to his love, now more so than ever. Everyone alwayz thinks that that is a problem. I know that it's not for me because I know that Adam will never leave me and as I said before he will alwayz love me and I will 4~alwayz love him!!! Once again I wana thank my true friends for being there when they could well make that true friends as in two Adam & Baily 2003-10-28 01:55:23 (GMT) Pissed Off!!!! Well if you know me then you know I don't like people calling me a bitch or even saying that word. Well ... hell, fuck that because Ashley Elisabeth Britten is a fucking bitch!!!!! I hate her!!!!! I have never threatned to kill her like her fuckin mama said I did, but I did say and I say now that I wish she would die!!! She's a fuckin loony bitch!!! I think she's tha one who's gona go crazy and kill a bunch of people!!! I mean yeah I listen to ICP & Psychopatchic shit, but I'm not as fuckin wacky as her!!! She wants to scair me, but I won't give her that much plesure. She don't even freak me out. She just needs help. She said that me hating her makes her hornnie lol!!! Shit I wouldn't be the only thing to ever do that. She claims to be lesbian, but what I realy think she practices is beastism!!! Or maybe she likes fucking corpsis! I would love to vido tape that lol! Shit, she thought my letter that I wrote to her about how much I hated her made her hornnie... I can't wight 'till she see's thais!!!! Yeah I admit, I would like to kill her. I wouldn't mind murrerding off alot of bitches in this world, but I never threatened her, and I never will because I'm not that stupid! I mean duh!!! I wonder how many psychobitches like her there are in tha world??? There can't be that god damn manny. I mean hell ... that bitch is fucked!!! Oh and by tha way Adam and I are steel loving eachother more than ever!!! I forgot to mintin that tha last time I wrote in here waz his birthday! I gave him a dagger for his birthday. Happy Late Birthday baby!!! I love you!!! Oh and by tha way mine wazthis month 2! Adam's waz on tha 21st and mine waz on tha 2nd. Anymafuckinwayz, Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!!!!!! 2003-11-01 01:54:09 (GMT) Happy Hollowicked!!!! Devil ------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------- Happy Hollowicked!!!! Friday October 31, 2003 Happy muda fuckin Hallowicked all!!!! This is my fav. day of tha year, and I want all my ninjas and lettes to know that I'm given yo asses mad muda fuckin clown love 2- night! Yo if you want to hit a lette up to night. I need someone as wicked as myself to talk to. Yo 2 bad I didn't get to go bag snatchin tho! Yo I got to check out my babe Mickel Maners tho! I loves ya dawg! MMFCL to all ya'll motha fackus out there! Piece! Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!!! 2003-12-04 04:23:08 (GMT) Just came back from the hospital DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!! ... that's what I feel right now! I had my apendix taken out plus I have swolen limphnodes and bloody, poisen fluid leeking inside of me. So in other words, I FEEL REAL BAD!!!!! At least I got to talk to Adam. He says that he hopes I get better soon. I hope I do too babe! Anywayz, I realy have to go! I feel like I'm gona die! ~Adam & Danielle 4~alwayz!~ 2003-12-21 07:03:40 (GMT) Far Gone I haven't realy been able to express myself sence tha last time I attempted suiside. I don't know why, but I just haven't realy picked up a pen and started writing or typing for that matter. I don't realy know what to say about my life right now. I got high again for tha first time in forever. Somehow, this time it was different. I didn't like tha way I felt. I didn't like carring about nothing. I didn't like knowing that Adam was suffering because I snorted pills and was laughing at him for no god damn reason. I didn't like causing him pain. I almost turned christian today again, allmost there for a seckond. I almost slit my wrist again today. It's become a regular habit to do so know when I feel bad. I almost had myself convensed today that my mother loved me, even though everyone can see that that's bull shit. I almost had my self convensed that I could fly away from all this pain. I almost stoped knowing why I cared anymore. I almost gave up. I tryed to kill my mind today by feeling it with lies and lulabyes. I almost took the life of a stranger. I almost cried. I think I started realising that I hate life again. Mayby I did. I don't know. I almost gave up pretending again, as I have once before. I almost gave up smilling to make Adam happy. I almost showed my true self. I told another lie again, I said that I was happy, I said that I liked me. I almost said goodbye today, to myself one last time. I almost gave all of these things that I have just mentioned up, or did I make all of this up? Is my mind so far gone that I can't even breath? Do you understand now? Do you know how it feels to be now, not when the pain is all that I can taste, but now. Do you think that my mind is far gone? 2003-12-29 07:41:06 (GMT) A letter to Adam Flertkilla_Juggalette Home | Archives | Add an Entry | Members | Request to Join | Rate this Blog | Tell a Friend Sunday December 28, 2003 flertkilla | inlove Adam, Baby, I love you and I am verry sorry for hurting you! I didn't mean any mean thing that I said. I know that your parents hate me now, but I hope that you will continue to ignore them and love me anyhow. I know that you love me far to much to let anyone or anything to come between us anywayz. I don't know what is wrong with me lately baby! I just wish that your parents wern't so God Damn involved! I don't wont anyone in our relationship except for me and you! I'm sorry if I sound crude, my love, but that's just the way I feel. I can't weight until we get older, and you can take me away. I just hope that you will love me enough to not care about anyone but me enough to leave with me when we get older, and married, that is if you steel want to marry me. I can understand if you don't, but in my heart I know you do. I swair, my love, my God, that everything will be different when it is just you and me. We will be able to love eachother so much more fully, without any interruption. We will go far away from here. I will won't no connection what so ever with my past, but I already know, as of now that, you will want to come back and see your family. I understand that fully, my love, but when the time comes I hope you understan just as well that I will not come back with you. Well, enough of the future for now, let's talk of the present. My life is very fucked, baby, you know that! You alwayz make it better, you make me able to breath once more. You take tha pain away. Anything that I have ever said or done to hurt you, I take all back. I want to make our love pure again. I want you to shower me with kisses, and I want to be your forever faitful slave. I love you from places within me that are so deep, that they have no end. My body, soul, and mind is filled now with only you. Sence we have meet my love, I have never thought of another, and I have never loved anyone but you. I will miss you dearly, my God, as I even miss you now. The pain now is all I have. I need to feel the warmth of your love once more. I despertly need you to take me away. I am traped in my mind and I long to excape. I have no where to go except for to you, and you are the only place I want to go. Please never leave my side!, I beg of thee, my lord! I love you and I will 4~alwayz! I love you!!!!!!! Love 4~alwayz, ur baby girl & wife, ~Christine Danielle Long~ posted at 5:24:51 PM | respond | e-mail 2004-03-23 16:44:52 (GMT) Don't feel good today! Damn I miss Adam!!!!! I haven't seen him in about a month!!! I am supose to see him dis weekend tho. I realy hope I get to. This weekend I didn't get to talk to him at all. Him and his family last weekend went to Verginia because they won a trip up there. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't get to see him real soon. I've already been depreased as hell and I have started cutting again real bad!!! Speaking of that I got my new site under construction and it is going real good. Now the only thing left to do is to get some people to actually check it out. I swair if someone that cuts checks it out they will stick with it. It is actually helping me out some. I don't know though, I cut all the time now. I don't realy think that I can stop. I don't even think that I want to stop most of the time. Adam wants me to though. I know he does. He said that every time that I cut that I hurt him more than I hurt myself. The last thing that I want to do is to hurt Adam. Him and Bailey are the only ones that I have. I am sooo.... lucky to have him. I know that I would have been dead already many of times if it wouldn't have been for him. I would have killed myself way long ago, and if I would have mananged not to kill myself then I would have gotten ran over that day that we were walking down the street and he yanked me out of the way of a truck flying down the road. If nothing shows that he cares, that does. And also the time when I had my knife in my hand and was despertly aiming it for my wrist and not to just cut but to kill myself and he pried the knife out of my hands. Damn I miss him!, and me typing all of this is making me miss him even more. I got to talk to him a few min. yesterday when he got home from Vergina, but it wasn't enough to satesfy my hunger for him. I have been needing some adam for a long time!, and if you are Bailey or Adam, you know what I mean by that lol. We haven't made love in a long time now! We defently have to dis weekend! I have a feeling that he needs me too! This is the longest that we haven't seen eachother sence I think the first month we started daiting. I haven't wrote in here in forever! I lost the page when my old site colapsed and then I forgot my password and I couldn't get into it. I am going to paste this page onto my site when I get the time. Right now I am buissy on working on the Pic. I swair I have only been working on this site for a few weeks and I am already in love with it! I wonder if it will make me better or worse. Eather way I think that knowing that I am not alone when it comes to cutting, burning, or any other form of self mutilation, is actually very helpful to at least my mind. I don't feel like such a fuckin freak anymore. I am going to list on my site a few of the reasons why I cut. That will be tha shit too. Well, I'm out, I LOVE ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Flertkilla

2005-04-18 15:12:47 (GMT) A letter to Toy Toy, Yaah, I know I haven't realy been on here in a while! It's not that I haven't had the time, but that I have so much time that misuary is taking hold of it all and I can't catch my breath without first crying for him. I feel as if I've lost Kenndal, but I know, deep in my heart that I can never loose him, that even the thought of loosing him is rediculeus, but the pain is still real and still alive. I can't get on the internet at my house anymore. Daddy has parental lock all over that shit and this time I don't know his password so that I can change it back. The way he's got it I can't even get on yahoo, or go to my own sight! But, all that shit dosen't matter. I'm alone for once in my life, truley alone, and there ain't shit I can do about it. I realy ment all that I said to you Friday! I miss you Bailey! I love you!, but time has taken you away from me too. You have changed juzt like the rest of the world, but I know now as well as I've ever known before that, I am a forever constant being. I realize that you nolonger only need me to be whatever you need me for, and for you to constantly be consouling me that someone in this world loves me. You need other people now. You've grown out of me, and as depressing as that is I have to keep breathing and keep on this way in my constant state. You were the only one who ever truly knew tha way I felt about Megan, and how much I hated and loved my mama, and how alone I could feel, and how I felt tha first day of 6th grade when I was dressed in all black, with black hair, and black lipstick, and everyone picking on me but you. You were alwayz there, even then. You helped me through all my ups and downs wid Adam even when it delt wid yo own family, throough it all I juzt wanna say thank you! I also wanted to tell you that I am pregnate and that if anything ever happens to me and Kenndal, like we die or something, even though I know you never planed on having children, that I would want you to take care of Louie and however many other babies we have and let them know how much their mommy and daddy loved them and eachother!!!, and also make sure scilently, that Louie knows that we will alwayz love him best. Thank you so much for being hear for me through all of this shit, and for letting me help you when you needed it too! Alwayz remember, I'm your sister. Juggalette Hommies 4~life & Death!, Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-04-18 15:18:26 (GMT) Alone I realy miss Kenndal!!! Death is calling, but this time I don;t want it like the longing for a hug from a best friend, this time I actually want to live, this time I'm looking fored to it though I know that pain is probably all that lies in store for me, but I will except that pain, as long as I have Kenndal's love, whick I know will be 4~alwayz!!!!!!! I realy want to keep this diary up!!! I realy want my last few words to be known, but I don't know if they will be. I juzt hope that I have my baby aand I'm in Kenndal's arms before the end comes! Christine Danielle McElrath 2005-05-09 14:47:36 (GMT) Parting is such sweet sorrow Toy, Toy, Hey Chick!!!, It's been a while!, hasen't it??? Well I juzt wanted to let you know that I finally got your messages. I don't know what's to become of me, but I do know that now, I have a baby to protect, and love, and be the best mother to that I possably can!!! I'm falling appart. The real me isn't realy hear anymore, but that's okay. Some how I have to manage to survive, and make a happy life for me and my child, with or without Kenndal. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I will never deny that, but if nessessary I have to let him go. You of all people knows that it kills me to say that, but it is verry true!!! I don't know if I will ever see Kenndal again, I don't know if he will be here when I have our baby. What I do know is that I have juzt about everything I've ever wanted besided him. Through our love, (a love stronger than any other ever!), and through our making love, we have created the worlds most beautiful child!!!!!!!, and what more could I ask for??? Our baby came from pure, sweet, honest, commpashionate love!!!!!!! There was no having sex, or fucking involved in it! There was nothing but love!!!!!!! And for that, I am forever greatful!!!!!!! I would take nothing back, not even the pain that I am still experencing this day, of possably loosing Kenndal for all time. I know that with our chilld I have a chance! I will put all the love that I've ever held for Kenndal into raising our child, that way I will have never lost, but only loved. I wanted to say thanx for being here for me. I love you and I hope you and Eric do well. MCL, Christine Danielle McElrath I fucking love you Bailey! Alwayz remember that...here is something you wrote me a while ago. From: diamondlettefy555@yahoo.com Timestamp: 2005-04-18 16:33:55 GMT In reply to: A letter to Toy Message: Danielle, you kno that i am alwayz here for you and i kno you have alwayz been here for me too. We have constantly been reminding ourselves and each other of this, perhaps because we both dont want to let go of it. But we dont have to, because we kno that regardless of anything, we will alwayz be here for each other. And i have not grown out of you, yes i do need you less, but only because you have built me up, you have grown up in me. You have created me tha way i am, without you, i would not be tha way i am today, and you have made me strong. No, we are not alike, much, but there are traces of you running all thru me and we both kno it, and so does everyone else. Nothing can change that. We both kno that no matter what happens btwn you and kenndal, that you will never stray from each other. You will never forget, you will not need to push yourself to forget. Kenndal is a part of you more than any other man in your life has been, and woman for that. I am so confident to say that you would give up meagen for kenndal, a statement that is very dangerous to make but very true. I kno how much you love your mother out of desperacy alone, and yet how you respectfully hate her. What else can be expected? You must never let her consume your mind and pollute it and your love. And you kno that would happen, me, Kenndl, we would all be gone. You must never surrender to that which would destroy you. And you kno that if you ever had a child and i could get it, that i would under any circumstance. I have alwayz known that. I was thinking about it tha other day actually. Really, I would take it in for you and kenndal and you kno that i would. I would fight with everything to get tha child, and teach it about you, and let it kno every day that it's mama and daddy loved it so very much. Yes, you kno i am here and always will and now i have found a ay to stay over tha summer and be here. We have two years before you can get away. Just two years before you can leave all of this. Just hold on to anything until then. And we will alwayz be sisters, just like on ginger snaps back as they say, "together forever", no matter what. we will be true juggalette homies for life and death and nothing can stop us, just remember that if anything. Nothing can stop us, together forever.