so... sitD is back online i see...aha!of all the passwords in all the world to remember. but i suppose it's as much a part of me now as it ever was.how'd that song go? "i'll never live down my deceit"grow'd. changed. and about time for some more i think.so this post is a stake in the ground. "i aim only to move forward" - i'd lost that vision for a while. i wanted (still want) the carelessness of youth. but, where to find it in these changing times.always (yeah, really always)R0b.

i'm your pain when you can't feel. i'm you're eyes when you must steal.i'm inside, open your eyes. i'm you.i am in you, you are in me, i and i, god and the brother-man. and we're all just swell. unless you're a dick, in such a case i will watch you burn.but we know us, eh? and if i say you're some of the best times of my life, be fucken thankful. The Awakening is happening. a society built on nothing. imoraility, greed, deception, blame, hate and fear. and money, the greatest lie. someone calculated that it would take 560 000 quadrillion spheres of gold, the size of the earth, to repay the debt created with the monetary system.so who'd bank on that? i love metallica. i can say nothing more deep or true. anyway, i had a near death experience the other day. fell 25 meters and got a neat gash in my neck. a gash less than quarter of a millimeter from my carotid artery.did i mention falling 25meters?and i walked out of it. so now i think about my life, and how glad i am to be me., one of the first things said to me upon my rising was "someone must have been praying for you", a sentiment that all doctors and nurses seemed to enjoy repeating. they were amazed i was standing, walking, talking. and i watch people, as i always have, but with a sadder and more detached perspective, people motivated by fear, hate, revenge, anger.and i try, as consciously as possible to operate at 0% stress. and it works. and i'm at odds with the policy enforcement company, and they're to pay me compensation for thier wrongs.and i'm at evens with peaceful free men the world over.and there's so much. just so so much.and i like photographs, because they don't change, even when the people in them do.but i'm always on one side of the lens. and i love: as i live and breathe, i love.all moments leading to this. i said that i do not fear, this much is true. i feel dead. my magic is gone, the trees will not speak to me as they once did, rain is just wet and not something to play at, my dragon.. well we'll see. but i do not fear what i feel, i do not fear this loss, i don't fear the abscence of what might have been half my soul. but for death there must be rebirth. is it not told so, the world over? so who will be there after this birth? the man that said someone must have been praying for me, a christian he calls himself, believes that we are all of us evil, and that we need God to guide our path, and curb our wickedness. It nearly caused an argument, that he was so unwilling to accept foregin belief (mine). so, so. just so. sic the latins would say. sic 1446_082311R0bbo

days go by and still i think of you - dirty vegas. this song has been rehashed by so many competent people it's amazing. why am i here? why do i writ. i've long since abandoned diaries such as this.and in this modern day and age, facebook and tweeter. but i'm here. and i re-read. and i remember.i've been on a reminiscent buzz for a while now. and i think, i think of my oldest, starting school this year!i think of the past, people i've known and things i've done and i think of morality. and who should define it for me.the bible would tell me i should not be proudbut i have forgiven, as the bible demands. a long time i have forgiven. it doesn't acomplish anything with the other (staci, or more affectionately, little spoon) but i feel better for it. vindicated. proud of myself that i can operate from that mindframe. pride is my sin. and i think of se7enshe's never asked. and never would. and the reason i mention her on here is because she's the reason i left sitD. but i'm back i think. soso so so. there is no title. nothing is significant enough. i think i'll leave it at that today.i have a pair of resident herons since shooting all the local cats. they're awesome. peace, now and always. for all. except the harlots. 8March2011 1346_R0b

just warm the bread, she doesn't actually want toast. sigh. sat under our hardbour bridge for a while today. watched the storm roiling north west, the winds of the nor-east and the turmoil of the south. today i've fixed my truck: refitted hubs, replaced brake lines, bled brake system. fixed mum's wagon: radiator flush, replace hoses, fill. and i got a replacement axle for my Mountain Bike, so all in all i am quitie accomplished. i caught up with G and his new pad in town. ground floor, courtyard, one brm one bathrm, lounge/kitchenette. 340$/wk or thereabouts. the same as they paid for a 2brm/1+study sep lounge/dining +garden at 3 kings. curious. how city people value land. it's like the more concrete you have around you, the more you pay. what a way to live. everyone is finally buying paintball guns. like 4 years after i suggested we should. sometimes my trends take a while to set. i think my next big purchase will be a bike.MTB or motox i dont know yet. god i drive well. i've been doing this driving course thing ya'see. and it surprises me just how wrong some of our younger drivers are. at least those who've been taught by me have the benefit of awesome, because without that they'd be jsut as average as the remainder. and the remainder are below average. so life continiues. it's an odd space now. a plateua. a stasis. a time not of time, but of being. of occupying space, without purpose, without intent or meaning and without progress. darkness plays at me. as i play at it sometimes. the nights come early by your time, and sleep is expected of us, but we dont, we wander out, unitl dawn, comes too early, and we hide again for the darkness, which is coming as sure as the sunrise. and i've been dreaming of late. aany. magic. wonderful things. new and old. they form alleigance, and piece themselves together, a perfect fit, for my sanity. how about that? _ra 2004|260409

so is it this recession or what. last week i paid 12$ for a burger. granted it was a fucking good burger, but in my book burger ≇ (is not approximately nor actually equal to) twelve dollars. that's like.. just under an hours work for me >supposed to meet S there and HE would drive us back. but he left about 3 hours before we arrived. >< good timing: i've always had it. been deviating a bit lately and have a camera lined up to buy.. now how about that money thing. i have a long list of things to buy. i also re-arranged my room, it's sexy. am off shopping now ish. my 13$ is going to go on a fluro light to go behind my awesome awesome art: it's a sheet that looks like blue cotton-paper, behind a sheet of shattered glass. it's awesome, and i expect will be more so with a fluro light behind it. the other sheet of the same material is playing the role of curtain at the other end of the room, so it balances up well. have stereo hooked to PC, glass writing/tracing desk, bought some parker ink the other day. it's shit. i wouldn't expect it to be. but hum. i'm re-drawing japanese. uhg. that's more or less all. yesterday was of course good friday. no eating during daylight, nor drinking till about 10 past saturday. it occurred to me that daylight savings wasnt enstated until the 1800s or so, so technically i shouldn't have been drinking until after 0100, but i dont think God will strike me down for this one. i found something the other day and i dont remember what it was. god damn. we are so awesome. i can't get over how awesome we are. all for now. _kade 1557|110409

i am awake. everyone else is sleep. is this shit? no. this is epic. i dont even have to be on drugs for this. odd, because i thought N was out, but apparently he is not. weather has equal awesome, these days past. snow is on. life equals awesome. i am starting to like my job >< ffs! i think it is that i dont have to pretend to be happy with it. if i am unhappy with my bosses, i say so, i call them fuckwits. game on. so i think i'm buying an autococker. fucks up because e'ery one els is buying kingmans goddamn! it's only taken 4 years! but we are game on. and game on equal awesome. plus gait. gait rule. doom gait rule! i are kade always _0159|040409

the fail curve, and just when a fail becomes an epic fail. lmao. paintball. was fun. too many randoms. too many noobs, but good day all. went beach with chillin' on fri, was epic. beach is epic. weather has been beautifully clear. blue skies atcetera, mornings have been decidedly chill, which is awesome also. i've been riding to work. it only takes me five minutes longer than driving, andis more pleasant, plus i feel better for it. it's keeping me healthy, but i'm'a buy a new bike, cos the one i have atm is decidedly average. riding through the park is awesome, there's a few neat trails and drop offs and general fun stuf. went rockclimbing also, managed 17s, with difficulty. equals fail, but still better than everyone else i know >< except sketh. sketh is climblord. made amy do it, was goodly, she did aiight. and i realised, i am positive re-inforcement when watching people climb. it's been like this always, it's fun spotting the kids as they climb things that some twice their age wont even attempt. i am being more positive in general. which is odd, perhaps another evolution. and i've been neglecting sitD for the more instant facebook, which is terrible really, but that's how it is. i'm horribly poetic until it comes to typing, when, as per usual, the words escape me. anyway, since friday it's been good, is the gist. and i'm back to the grind tomoz. i've never before had a job i actively dislike, and i've had some fairly crummy jobs. this one has it's ups and downs, some days are great,some not so, but they're paying for my drivers' licence so i'm not complaining, too much anyway. and it's not that bad, really, the boys are good and i can call my bosses fuckwits, arseholes, wankers and cunts. it's reciprocal of course, and overall doesn't create the most positive work environment, but it's good to be able to vent directly to those that piss you off, and not to have to pretend to care about a job that you really dont. plus they spend about 200$ a week on piss, which is great, cos i like piss, but the weeks feel very long, at least they're interspersed with the greatness that is everyone i associate with. which reminds me, i took A to B to get her tatoo, was good, she sat through the whole thing. epicly. and got on quite well with his missus. i'm growing my winter coat, despite the protestations of many that i need a haircut. and that's the long and short of it for now. _kade 1828|290309

i am good. that's what. i am good because i am, i am what i do. i am what i am, and that's it. there's no blunt end on this stick of man, three hundred and sixty degrees of business. three hundred and sixty degrees of awesome. and i can own up to it. i take responsibility for every single thing i do, or don't do. for better or worse, come what may. i dont hide behind anonymity. lolza, just seen the pics Wang put up. omfg. sometimes i forget just how awesome some people are. then i remember, and all is good. i had a dream this morning, or perhaps a memory, staci had my cock in her mouth. those were good times they were. i wonder if she remembers the good times, and there were plenty. or i wonder whether she's been swept up in her own delusional story of victim-hood and abuse. sighs. anyway, back to who's awesome, myself asides. but then these people need myself to be awesome, because noone else attributes them the appropriate level of awesome, as i do, so, they'd be awesome without me, but less awesome. innt that a bitch. home-brew-jews are awesome. sheep-killin jews are awesome jesus was awesome. B is awesome, he's inking wang on friday. and mebe me some. see how it goes. life is saweeeet. i'm terribly busy, mind. all _ra 2153|18309

"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud

i asked thii asked of someone today: "what is good?" i was told. and now i think, what i would say, were the same asked of me. what is good? good is standing on top of a mountain with your bike on your shoulder and your legs about to give out beneath you. good is watching the moonrise. good is feeling the pain, knowing you can't continiue, that it would, in fact, be the death of you. then doing it. good is your last breath before passing out. good is a dozen imported beers and fine company. good is a 150yard drive. good is a 30$ cigar. that's what's fucking good. Entry title: a lesson in ordinance. sub-ordinance infact. that is: doing what you're told. I've ne'er been one for it. i crashed the work truck the other day. see, what some people dont realise (if they do even realise a truck following them) is that a two and a half ton flat bed does not stop as fast as a regular car. or in this case, a landcruiser. not much damage. rear wheels locked as i was changing down. wouldn't have hit if they hadn't. see, what i dont realise is that a two and a half ton flat bed truck doesn't have as nifty a response as my ute. and on the other upside it means i now get to cane around in the ute, which is awesome on account of A) it has FM stereo and damn good speakers. B) it's a ute. and i drive utes. it's what i do. 3.0 hilux diesel. got a good bit of tow to it. only 2wd mind. but 2wd is aaaaalll good if it's the rear 2. i'm putting braided lines under my truck. and new wheel bearings on the front. yay. and for all my awesome clutch fluid in the Z the clutch has gone again. expense. just what i need. bought one hundred and twenty dollars worth of groceries the other day. it fitted in two boxes. man. what does that say about the price of fish. i'm coughing like a damn smoker. must be them fucking winfields i had at work. so i think i'll have a roll just now. i'm going to rave. and it's going to be good. it continiues. _ra 2132|130309

i am, i truly truly am. fuck i rock. anyway dreams. many, fleeting, random but all beautiful. a lot is fleeting now a days. paintball. it hurts. my f*ing gawd, i have nae run in too long. legs were ablaze this morning, and now a dull ache. but it was awesome, the kids were right beside the field "go daddy go daddy". then i got up and fucked up 2 guys in a row. man i rule. i painted chris a lot and got the shots on sketh that i promised him. also laced up matt real well. like real well. sideways bizarch. my head does the spinny thing it used to.. it feels like i am actually pirouetting whilst falling to the ground. and time still isn't doing like it should. which is good. i'm sixteen after all, young dumb and full of coffee, nicotine, hormones and illegal drugs. ohhyeh, some delightful person thought they'd tell the police i was cultivating marajuana in my mums yard.. now where would anyone get an idea like that from i wonder, and what would motivate them to call the police? but no. i am one step aware and everyone else is one step stupid. are you fucking serious? me? do something illegal? that's well worth a chuckle. so i'm going to have a glass of scotch and smoke some drugs and go drive somewhere... lmfao. pathos cracks me up. always _ra 2107|020309

i just cant help myself. not dizzy as in can't spell and dont know shit. dizzy as in trip. was driving the day other, nothing was overtly wrong, but it felt as though something was out of place, something not quite right. and i was not alone in this feeling. not that it were ever resolved, infact it lingers still, i got drunk on the beach today, just now in-fact. my vision spun. mayhap right around, i don't know, everything was moving.. the water, waves, sand, shells, dunes, trees, people, cars, bikes, horses. the dream of the horses stand insane. that's from back in the day so i'm'a take my truck there next time. because the roads are gravel, and the beach is open. and i must get down to Kariotahi for a fish. i am changed again. I get up Ive no regrets, I hit the lights on these dark sets. I need a voice to let myself To let myself go free. I get all have no regrets, I hit the lights on these dark sets. Medallion noose, I'll hang myself. Saint Anger 'round my neck I feel my world shake Like an earthquake Hard to see clear Is it me? Is it fear? I'm madly in anger with you I'm madly in anger with you For saving me from all they've taken Letting my armor fall again Giving me the strength to face them Feeling it taking over Now on a path to take it all away There can be no better way of knowing In a world beyond controlling Are you gonna deny the savior In front of your eyes Stare into the night Power beyond containing Are you gonna remain a slave for The rest of your life man this would be a really good CD to have >< =p ahhhh. go and tuck yourself right in. and i still rule.

so i was listening to the rock the other day, as i do. they had people phone in to state their favourite dance moves. we had the usual assortment, most highly featured was the sprinkler and the motionmaster. then someone phoned in and said the lawnmower. for anyone that doesn't know: i invented that shit. trendsetter ehh? i've done so much, and as i do it i think of the sitD entry i'm going to write for it, and now it comes to it i forget. kids: was funny, walked up to the window beside the door at daycare (when picking kids up), my youngest saw me and ran straight into the window >< also, as she was falling asleep she spent about 10 minutes just playing with my hand.. moving my fingers, squeezing them, comparing them to hers. feels good to be dad again. soon enough. driving fast is neat. all _ra 1742|220209

thestorm everpresent roiling dark wet some where with a slightly blue tint. so how goes it. ooh ooh me. i win. outties 1820 150209

amused and slightly tired. streaming traffic, endless. raucus in my head, endless. power flowing down, endless. decaying of flesh, endless. the noise in death, endless. the love, endless. _ra 1031|020209

lmfao whatever.

head pounding, pulse too real for my liking, sight slipping, spinning, fading out, re-focusing with splintered glass intensity. weightily dumb- mute. my heads doing that thing again. reading old diary. life was good. it will be again. so, quite what, is the objective? hum. more later. i really am enjoying the way life was. _ra 1054|270109

ahhhh. my good mate 76. i didn't beat my missus, actually. you've clearly recieved her rather embelished version of events. such a poor, poor victim she is. and it took 3 years of beatings for her to do something about it? nevermind it took her 2 days to pack our entire house and move out when she was upset that i'd had sex with someone else. that poor, poor unable-to-do-anything-about-it victim. mm. highly logical. but then, you're not really one for logic are ya. aaaaaanyway. i swapped out the altenator in my truck, so electrical systems are go. means i can probably put my old battery back in and give the Z's back. now i just need to do the timing. which means i need a timing light. which seem to be in short supply. day has been good so far, but i'll start with last night. i'll call it crate night. because there was a crate there. so, crate night started shortly after 1 pm, or shortly before. it entailed riding the clutch in my truck across town to collect one barbeque, and back. only to realise that young T had left the full gas bottle alllllll the way back where the barbeque came from. fail. but we wouldn't be here if it weren't for T, so no love is lost. we chill and eat cold salads. for a first-timer N threw together a mean egg and potato salad. + respect. builders down the back came up for a few quiets. then came a crate of speights. then came talk of dogs, hunting, rabbits,cats, wolves, cars, engines, gearbox. rabble was roused, but not the usual kind. Ballas had to be work 10 or something, so dropped him off, was going to pick up nigel, but he doesn't trust my driving at the best of times. he went back to work or something. that is about the end of my memory until 3 am, when i realised i was in bed and the phone was off the hook. phone back on hook. try sleping until about 9. didn't, but didn't wake either. was limbo. very cool. up. over to pak to see kids, and that poor beaten ex of mine was there, but was car troubles. so drama. 1030 happened and we went to ferry. ferry to beach/park. caea was playing in water. v. cool. loving it. gladness. shame i didn't have my boardies and could have taken her deeper water. she's loved the beach since she was young as. once she got over the waves-are-scary thing. anyway. back to pak. sleep. and that's about now. tonight will be braai. yey, for i am the tong master. and garyn will be my bourey layer. and tha'll just watch. anyway. am out fer now. _ra 1617|240109 oh. i did something awesome and i can't remember what it was.

except that we're all changed. we've gone the principal remains. what is a principal without interests. no. not you. maaaaaannnnn. kakahi is beautiful. pictures are up, not mine yet. the whole whanau. i spent a good portion of it explaining to them why my kids weren't there. they'd've had fun. it's great to see the aroha. everyone's looking out for everyone. no stress. next time hopefully. reference: witi ihimaera: kingfisher come home we were staying on the marae, the usual rabble was roused, glow worms and rivers and gravel roads. go for a ride on the car auu. sketh and ballas did. i got sketh off three times. lmao. was going too fast for ballas to get a shot though. ended up poking the clutch just out of ngaruawahia on the way back. i did mention we should have upgraded to a hydraulic, a while ago. i'm'a uncle again. young savannah (sp?). awwwwww. did i mention i was a uncle some weeks ago aswell? we just call him monster... and we're always slipping through the cracks, when the movie's over fade to black. can't think of much else. am feeling good if not a tad disorientated. oh my champion battery is poked. it'll take a 13v charge off the wall but dunnt do high-current. at least while the Z is sitting i can use the battery out of it >< all always _ra 1402|200109

Some nights I lose the feeling Some nights I lose control Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls still baffled about ditch vs sump. painting. waiting to hear on jobs else. tis a beautiful day for PD >rush. without neccessity. it sits inside: an energetic mass pulsing. vicous tentacles softly teasing out. it is within everything. the sun as the sand, the surf as the sky, the people: nameless and many. It's why they laugh. it's why they're here. it's electric: the feeling between lovers, the feeling between parent and child, the feeling between friends, it's old and it's new. It's the patterns in the sand, the sound of the waves, the muted pleasures of families and friends drifting on the wind, it's those here, and those gone before, and it's those passed that stay. the force is in a well here. it collects, concentrates and amplifies. people come to taste. to absorb. to recharge or relax. Ephemeral herds drinking of it. the force feeds the body: frees it from the requirements of elsewhere-normal routine. it cleanses, it protects, it lingers within. and as we leave, tentacles stretch out from within, a desperately slipping grasp on the source. it tears at us to go back. like a magnetic force like a child leaving home like the orbit of the moon and it becomes replaced by just a feeling, a sad-numb, a longing attraction. a Need of the comfort, securitypeacejoy. a half memory of the force at the well. the beach is where i meditate. i didn't even realise until garyn had the goodness to impose the word on me. twas me an' ballas, dania, marina an garyn and i was sitting there cross legged. everyone was debating swimming but i'm the only one that went. the water was warm. twas me an ballas, those passing and the rain. it was dark. the fire was small. the water was cold. twas me an danesh, sketh and skot, an ballas. it was our own paintball field. twas me an matt and scott and sketh and theresa and ballas and josh. it was dark. the fire was epic, we do it for the scars and stories. the water was warm twas me an her for two hours. five minute friends. twas me an nig' and ballas. a sou-easter, black sands, surfers, rocks and rain. the water was cold. twas me an V and skot and sam, a long drive, 3 boxes and many more U turns. twas me and jim, up in smoke. tis me, for now. _ra 1242|140109