Read 2 comments
The emoness of my soul is almost as emo as the emoness of the battle of the bands being held at my school tomorrow, and the fact that instead of standing in the audience, moshing sadly to the strains of bands such as "as my crimsonxxxtears lay dying in the embers of my heart of woe", I will be running tech in the technical booth of my greatly theatre-oriented, and therefore extremely emo school. Know what else is horrendously emo? Me having not updated this since...2005! Then again, 2005 is a very emo year, but 2006 is even emoer. See, 2006 adds up to 8, which is my far the emo-est number ever, as stated by both Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes of My Emo Death and the Loss of My Kitten Mittens, and that guy with the weird hair from My Chemical Romance Which Isn't Really Chemical Because I Am Much Too SxE to Do Drugs, Which I Will Call Chemicals For the Purpose of This Extremely Emo Band Name....
of woe.
eitch
tee
em
ell
of the sadness of my heart
makes the heart bleed
in
sad
ness
like a 967185781 yen
postcard, staine
d with the
tears of my
over-lin
ed
eyes
...woe is my soul*^*%(!*%!*$*(!#*(...
CHRISTMAS IS SO GODDAMN EMO, IT'S UNBELIEVABLY. Well, obviously religion is emo. Which is totally a given. But seriously, can you not imagine Jesus as an emo kid? Like, turning wine into water because he's so sXe that he can't bear looking at wine because it gets punk rockers drunk, and they are the exact opposite of emo kids because sometimes they kick them to the ground in hopes to disrupt their beautifully blackened, greasy emo-kid hair styles! Oh, that being said, run on sentences are also really emo. Because they're like the constant beating of an emo-kid's heart. Never stopping, and yet always. Coming. So. Close. Just like how emos sometimes want to kill themselves? Because listening to CRYmsinxxxXXXxxxFyve has made them sad? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
deck the halls with
bou
ghs
of my crymsin
deathhhh
iiandii the sadness
of crosses and small
happy children who
frol
ick
amidst the snow covered
xxxbullrushesxxx
while 17817268917687183718375817519845
emo kids us
e lots of
html
;
THE GUIDE.
1. Pepper your typed speech with a bunch of unecessary spaces, i's and x's. It'll make you seem a lot emo-er, because the x's represent your broken heart of woe. Also, use lots of little hearts made of lesser than signs and threes. And slashes, if you're really cool, but this is of course only for very hardcore people who are sure that they want to venture so deeply into this occult world of sadness and anGST.
2. Two words: TIGHT. PANTS. Oh, and dyed black hair. Can't be without the dyed black hair. If you're really adventurous, get a few bleached streaks. It'll show people you're serious about your new-found lonliness--uh, lifestyle.
3. Get a myspace. And then take pictures of yourself at impossible angles, and photoshop them so that you look like you're crying blood, or in a sea of blackness or something else equally emo.
4. Be straight edge, or SxE. No one likes a drunk emo-kid. Now, if you're not willing to give up the drugs or alcohol, then emo is not for you. It's necessary to have all our cognition powers when we venture into the world of slowly moshing men who look like women, and women who look like men who are trying not to look like women.
5. Cut your hair in a very bizarre fashion. Lots of layers works, as long as you have a fringe of bangs that you can hide under so people actually have to look at you to see you crying and not just hear you from the next stall over the in bathroom.
6. Photography. Art. Poetry. These are your friends. Well, actually, you're emo, you don't have friends, but they're the closest you'll ever get. Invest in a digital camera, a black mottled notebook and some colored pencils. You'll only use the black one, so no need for a huge set. Make lots of artwork with people bleeding and crying. Write lots of poetry with people bleeding and crying. Take lots of pictures of people bleeding and crying.
7. Lonliness is the key. To fulfill your newfound artistic muse, you'll need to get a mirror, because as an emo-kid, you don't have any friends. Or muscles, for that matter.
8. LIVEJOURNAL. Or Xanga, or whatever. Something that you can blog in, and have people glance and comment at how very sad you are, and how you shouldn't kill yourself just yet because you mean the world to someone, even though that someone might a) be living in like...Equatorial Guinea or b) doesn't really want anything to do with you because you're just so goddamn emo!
9. Whine and rave and rant and whine about your ex-relationship. Even if it's been a a week, or a month, or three years. The world has a right to know how upset you are. Also, the world isn't going to do a damn thing about it because you don't let them, so whining if perfectly harmless. Unless someone gets fed up and shoots you. In which case you'll be happy. And dead. Lifeless, like a telephone.
10. Last but not least, LABEL YOURSELF EMO. If you don't label yourself, how will you inspire others to do so? Which rhymes with woe.
(tears of semicolons fall)
;
Emo is a way of life, a style, a musical genre and a god. And as my greasy black hair and sadness of my burning, hating-love heart ruminate over this fact, we, and by that I mean me, think that it's time someone emo wrote a guide to teach other wannabe emos to be emo. And possibly to have mildly better sentence structure. Well, maybe just teach them how to be emo. And this is why, by the power vested in me by the emo goddess of emo, Amy Lee, I shall create a guide to being emo called "Emo in xxxx10xxxx iieasyii steps of woe" Ready? Good. Because I'm not. It is still necessary to reflect on my emoness, and think of how it is indeed harder to breathe when one is using Jesus as one's tourniquet, seeing as Jesus is very emo (see the entry before this, which tells you to see the entry about religion and emo). Emo and woe rhyme. Coincidence? I think not!
I have realized, in my utmost emo-osity-ness that this is my FIFTY SECOND ENTRY. What the fuck? Good lord. I guess there really is a little emo in everyone. That being said, today I realized that exams are the most emo thing EVER. Firstly, they're an anagram of x-mas, kinda, which is TOTALLY FUCKING EMO because...well, see my entry on how religion is really emo. Ok, aside from that, they make people nervous. And when people are nervous they sometimes get sad. And then they listen to sad music. And then they dye their hair black and get a really choppy, greasy haircut and mosh to the emosaint, Amy Lee. In conclusion, exams are emo.
the exa
m of emoness
is making me
shake like
a frail
emoboy
in the heavy wind
of my
crymsinxxsadness
;; wo
is me
.
EMOxcore. Okay, so I've made a decision. The emo-est name out there is.........(drumroll, please?)
MOE.
Now here's why. Basically, you can spell emo with Moe. And therefore, if your name is Moe, you are E-mo! Also, this just in, emo authorities have managed to prove that Albert Einstein was emo. His theory of relativity was recently redeciphered. Apparently, the alleged genius had very bad handwriting, and was in truth writing "e=mo squared." Yesterday, I went to a concert. And it was emo to the maxxcore. There was so much choppy black hair that the emoness of my soul didn't know whether to refuse a cigarette on account of my Sxe-ness, or refuse a BEER on account of my Sxe-ness. And so I did both, because the crimson tears of regret and sadness were already pouring down my cheeks, and obscuring the visions of love and caring that I was feeling emanate from the stage, where an emo band was playing. Their black choppy hair styles, lined with bleached blonde in strategically placed locations like the cuts on their thin, frail emo arms led me to believe that in truth, they were emo, like the blackness of my soul had divined in the first place.
i was concerti
zing
when suddenl
y
my sadness and blackness of my soul
overtook
my choppyxxxcore
hair
of woe.
and kittens crying tears
that would
never be
drie
d!#(%*9177$&!&#*)%*(!*
;
This just in: EMO HALF PRICE, BITCHEZZZZZ. This means you can slit half your wrists, or wear *half* tight pants, or gauge only one of your ears, or even listen to MAROON TWO POINT FIVE. Yes, you heard me. That's what that's all about. As in, emo on sale. As in, not buying your little sister's jeans for 6984028403.70 $, but whatever half of that number is. NANGNANGNANG.
The blackness
of my HEART OF
wuh-hoe is just black
like my soul, and
emo hair that looks like tents and
hu
ts.
Emo emo emo, cha cha cha, EMO! That was obviously to the tune of the Charmin commercial, as if you couldn't tell. Okay. So hockey is actually really emo. Because there are different levels, and the more letters you have, the higher up you are: like A, AA and AAA. So what about AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACRIMSONTEARSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? I mean, wouldn't that technically be the highest level evaaaarr? It would seem so. Gosh, my emo hair is just so greasy and black that I can barely even shake it about as I slowly rock my head back and forth to the emotionally trying sounds of Ben Folds Five. Yes, balding men in their 40's really know how it is to be a young teen suffering through the vagaries of boyfriends and death and kittens and ACNE!
Oh the scars on my face
rival tho
se on my HE
art of broken
crying
emo
tears
of CRIMSONajhkajhja
or
crymsin55555 woe
and sad
ness
of the loch
ness
filled
with drowning kitt
ens of de
ath *%&(!!! ###
;<3<3
AHHH, the emoness of my soul prevails over the soulity of my emoness, as I haven't written in 18 days. Oh, how emo a number 18 is. Oh, how emo that sentence structure was. Oh, how emo canadian history is. Actually, that last one is pretty true. See last entry. That being said, my emo hair is quite emo this fine, rainy, DARK AND DEATH LIKE emo day. It is black. And greasy. And swirling around my head like a mop, as I tilt my head at impossible angles, all for the sake of a picture to put on myspace, with terrible lighting, weird captions and my eyes looking so very very emoliciously sad.
my
space
is actually for peo
ple with space
in
thei
r heads
so that they can be
Em
00000.
and
sad
like the black
ness of my
he-art
backslash.
The sadness of my heart is only surpassed by the square root of the sadness of my heart, which in fact implies that it's the sadness of my heart times itself. Woah. Don't you just hate when people hate emo just because us emos look like such complete tards? It's absolutely sickening, and it makes my black emo heart of kittens reeking of blood and sadness and woe to be angry, in a purely emo-ical sense. Which in truth means that it's time for some emoetry. Speaking of emo, I've decided, with my emo patrons of yore, that instead of saying emo poetry, it's much easier, and takes up less time with which I could be listening to EMO MUSIC like iiiCrymsinxxxxxxxFyveiii to say emoetry. Thus, a new word is coined.
coin
like the coins of my heart
all
encompass
ing the sadness
and black
NESS! which dev
ours
me.
and my
..xxxheartxxx..
of
wo
;
Have you ever wondered what the pH of an emo kid is? Because I know I have. And here at E-Dawg-Corp, that's what we do. We decide the pH of emo kids. And we've decided that the pH of a typical emo kid is 6.98. So they're almost neutral, therefore normal, but they're heartbroken, because they can never get that other tenth of a percent that will make them love, and be loved in return by someone with equally greasy black hair wearing very tight jeans and vintage t-shirts. Oh my. Also, emo kids should really love history of Quebec and Canada. It's all about wars and bloodshed and heartbroken losses of...land. And stuff. But seriously. It's not bloodshed from an emo-kids arm coming from a sharp protractor edge, so go figure, right? And now I should totally pray to the emo goddess that is Amy Lee, and CRIMSONXFIVEXXXXiiXXiiXX< 3 and stuff.
emo
and sad
ness
of kitt8i*!(ens.
are crying tears of regret
and
r
ainbow
s of de
ath and
DES%(!*%truction
of the battle of the pl
ayynes of
ay-bruh-ham.
;
You know what's just deliciously emo? Lattes. Seriously. Can't you just imagine like an insanely emo boy drinking a latte while his greasy black hair falls over his melancholy face, and he cries tears of crimson regret into his iced coffee drink? Because I know I sure can. I can also imagine, in a few years, the emo kids totally taking over the world. Here's an example of what that would look like:
BOOKS:
Roll of Emo, Hear my Cry
The Devil's Emorithmetic
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Emo
The Holy Bible, Emo testament
The Babysitters Club of Emo Tears of Crimson
Emisery (Steven King)
Catcher in the Emo
Oh God. Doesn't that just make you want to mousse your emo hair until it nearly stands on end from the crazy crimson-ness of it all?! Oh my.
emo-harry potter of the crimson sort
of semicolons and sad,
sad tildens.
~~~~~~~~~~~
e^(!*m(*%(!o
it is my god and my
toooornuhkit.
~
The Backstreet Boys are emo. I have come to that insanely emo conclusion while watching "Incompleeeeeeeeeeeete". The emoliciality of that video, combined with the insanely emo-ness-ness of their BADLY TRIMMED BEARDS was enough to make me want to dye my black hair blacker, and render it even emo-er, by chopping it up a la Billy (absence of) Talent. Oh, BT, my gods of emo-love and desire of all things black and kitten like. You know who else is actually really emo? Eva Braun! Like...what's up with that? She makes me want to mosh to the strains of Arcade Fire, or possibly even The Bravery.
Crying tears of crimon regret and BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING?! Emo backpacks are the necessary item this year. They range from canvas and black, to cloth and black. They're made of strong material so you can put buttons and pins on them, and attach emo tears of crimson regret and safety pins and declarations of love written in white-out to it and bask in your own emo glory. But of course, to accomplish this, you will have to find your own corner to cry in, because all the other emos with choppy black hair and converse all stars are already taking up all the good corners. But of course, they're all posers. Their emo poetry is TOTALLY not as good as yours, and that's sad. But then again, there can only be on goddess of emo. And she's Amy Lee. And her hair is dyed the blackest of black. Like my soul.
black
souls of emoloverness
BLEEeeeed
with xxxcrymsxxxsonsxxxx
tears of
f
l
a
m
e
and
DEJKHJKHATKdeath. 21897581.
;
OH EM EFF FLUCKING GEE! The most emo thing happened to me yesterday! My bicycle got stolen! I am totally crying tears of crimson regret because I'm just so very insanely emo and kitten-like!!! Seriously, it was uncool though, because I don't have a bike, which is very un-emo as well, because how can I go about my emo-business if I don't have a bike!! Emos don't take public transport. It makes us irritable, and then we lash out at those not emo enough, and kill them with kittens. Oh dear.
bykes
are emo but
STOLEN
like my
xxxxXXXXheartXXXXxxxx
and they touch my
soul
in a
kitten
-like mann
er of
d%&!(eath!
tears of semi
col;ons
f
a
ll.
;
BUT SOFT, THE EMO LIGHT BREAKETH FREE! And such. I cannot believe how emo chocolate chip cookies are. I realized this while pouring tears of crimson regret and eating a chocolate chip cookie and reading a book about crimson sadness and kittens who are just yearning to break free of their emo prison of doom and destruction. Um...wha--? Right: cookies. Chocolate chip cookies are very emo. Would you like to know why? They're probably more emo than like...wristbands. They look all nice on the outside, but then you see the small bits of blackness (chocolate chips?) that peer out from the seemingly harmless interior! All that is enough to make me want to eat cookies a lot, so I can prove my emoness to the emo-bible, the thesaurus. Sad, melancholy, despondent...OH MY! What a handy little bible we seem to have. I think you should join this emo sect, my emo patron, and dye your hair black so that the world can see your sadness!
black
ness
and sad
ness
like the
loch
ness
monster
who hides in a
CA&*$(!*!(ve
of melan
choly
and waits for %&(!*(
4545675411258761
scotsmen to rescue it
and wake it up
from the sleep
of emo
iiXxXDREAMS!!!!!!XxXii
OH MY GOD, IS SUMMER EVER EMO! Wow. The emolicious sadness of my emo heartness bleeds, as my sadness melts and is replaced by melancholy suffering of the worst kind. I mosh slowly and rythmically, my greasy black, choppy hair bobbing in time to the Billy Talent emanating from my CD player, which is painted black. I wish I was as emo as the emo goddess of yore, Amy Lee. Then I could sing my misery, instead of pouring them out into my LJ, or into a journal with a mottled black and white cover, and tear stained, unreadable pages, because of my emo sadness!
Emo
SADNESS of the sum
mer tries
to MELT*!)*95*(!(
my
jet black
####*@) (lesser than sign)3 *%(*!%(!
but it fails
like a kit
t
en
on a tightrope,
crying black tears.
and
semicolons.
;
Ok. It is the emoest day ever: the day before the math 436 exam. I hereby renounce any of my claims that math, especially 436 is not emo. Want to know why? Alright then.
Omega is a math symbol. Omega backwards is Ag-EMO. Therefore, mathematics four hundred and thirty-six is extraordinarily emo. But then again, another reason is because in a trig question, they might ask you to find the angle of elevation of a bloodied emo kitten of woe and sadness and jetblack hair moussed into an emolicious abyss of oblivion!Oh, my emo sadness is only surpassed by that of Billy Talent, the king of emo. And surely, thesauruses must be emo as well, but I've already delved blackly into this sad, bloody story of emo-hell with razorblades and My Chemical Romance melancholy-inducing music! Ah, but my emoheartness bleeds, for I lesser than sign three so many emo bands, and they do not love me back for who I am! I shall cry into a bucket, and then pour it over a kittin, in hopes that my crimson tears of regret will nourish its Billy Talented soul. Woe is me.
OH MY GOD. EMO IN HEAT. Yes. Ok, now seeing as it's really hot outside, technically my black icy heart of woe should be like...thawing. But NO! My emo heart is now in emo flames of emo. And sadness and sad kittens being burned at a stake for trying to be too emo by wearing the equivalent of eyeliner for kittens, which I guess is something along the lines of blackened kitty littler the color of my heart. Which is still black, even though sadness and emo-hotness in the technical sense have tried to thaw it out, TO NO AVAIL!
ah, my emoness bleeds
as the women and men
of my heart!*(%!*
are eating
the kitten
s insi
de of me
!(P&$P!!!
;;8&&^%?
Oh
LIFE.
is
so very emo.