District sleeps alone tonight
Feeling: done

Hmm I'm mildly drunk and bleeding. I've had worse nights I suppose. Who even give's a fuck, no one. I should of learned that lesson by now. I haven't. Still my bastard sense of optimism is holding out for one more shot, before falling to the firing squad. Bitch got what it deserved. That will show me to hope. People are never who you think they are, even when you known them for years and fucking years. So, I figure I've got to find a new life plan, this one has failed. I don't know what to do though. But, I'll have to find something, or throw myself off a bridge, whichever come's first.

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The pill's in your hand will never let you down
Feeling: cavalier

Life alway's seems so much brighter on the verge of blackout.

When you haven't got any friend's at least you can always count on the blue one's and the red one's, especially the white one's.

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Pt. 3 Honesty, Insecurity, and Summer Dreaming
Listening to: The Hold Steady
Feeling: experimental

Mentally I realize I’m beginning to decay, the grip I had on reality however brief is slipping through my fingers. I can’t deny the monthly relapses anymore, I can’t deny that they’re steadily getting worse and closer together. I feel to guilty crying out for help, when I know it’ll come again soon enough. I don’t relish another stint in an institution or forced therapy. Though I’m getting close to the ledge, there is enough space I can still turn and run from it. I can still prevent it, if I make the hard decisions now. It might even be nice, an adventure of sorts.

I’m greatly looking forward to the summer, sunshine, warm, evening thunder storms, and a brief escape from monotonously empty school assignments. It’ll give me a chance to release and work out all these ideas that have been swirling in my brain for far to long. I’m really excited to work on my own stuff awhile, or create complete nonsense if I so choose. I’m excited to grow and expand.

I’m taking a single summer class, Macro Economics. That I don’t particularly relish, but at least it’ll be with Art Beth. We went and took Polaroid’s of ourselves smoking in an abandon barn, if it hadn’t been so damn cold it would’ve been ecstasy. I’ve fallen in love with the Polaroid.

Though I’m excited for the summer, I worry to. School will be closed for periods at a time, and as my new found refuge, this will not do. I’m worried what I’ll do, home is no where.

I long for a road trip with deeply personal friends. I miss how close I used to feel to some people, but I’m afraid to reach out. I feel like I’ve made to many mistakes to be a worth while person to them. I used to have standards, morals even, I don’t know what happened to me. I feel like I’m treated differently now since events. Not that I couldn’t sympathize with their reasoning. I feel so different then I used to. I feel damaged, yet enlightened.

The student art show is tomorrow and I have painting, it’ll be nice and peaceful.

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Pt. 2 Stormy Weather, Planning, and Insight
Listening to: The Hold Steady
Feeling: enlightened

I have to start figuring ways to convert my car into a livable space. A storm is brewing at home I can feel it in my bones, and today was merely a precursor of things to come. It all started over taxes, my Dad as usual waited to the last minute to file them. This screwed James and myself out of filing for the FAFSA and any potential money we might gain. It could’ve meant great ease for the financially fucked situation we find ourselves in. However I wasn’t banking on the money like James, I knew better, I knew this was the most probable scenario to occur. Sometimes he lacks necessary foresight. So instead of accepting the situation, he vented to my mother, mistake, who in turned vented to my father. Now the whole house is hopping mad, storming about, slamming this and that, its so tiresome. This however is only a cover for the real issues at hand, I see this.

James at dinner began his favorite soap box rant, “why can’t we all just be a family?”. The simple answer to this is because we are not, but he wants it so badly, I hate to crush him. He started tearing up at dinner, and it irritated me. He began talking to me in particular because mother walked away, which is what I would’ve like to done. But, he had a speech and god dammit someone was going to hear it. He questioned me, but I didn’t have any suitable answers, none he was willing to accept. He called my life sad and pathetic, because I had no desire to know or care for a family I had never known or had reason to care deeply for. How can you miss, what you never had? I’m not saying I feel nothing for them, I’d do just about anything for them if they asked, I’m void of any serious emotional bond is all. He alluded one day I would regret this. Somehow I doubt things will be much different, though I think we all will gain appreciation in space from one another. I need to get out from under there thumb before I can see them as people, and not irrational children. It is simply my nature.

I cannot see this living situation improving, I can see the daily decay plainly enough. Things will end, badly at that, but it will be for the best, I’d just prefer not be around for the final depressing last breath. Were like a vegetable on life support. Thus, until I find a better situation, living out of my car and at school seem to be my best options. The only issue is food, hunger is usually what drives me home early. If I can find a way to supply myself with this on my very limited funds, then I’ll only need to come home to sleep and bathe. I found couches on the desolate fourth floor of the library, I never seen another living soul there, its almost as if it doesn’t exist at all. The books are all decades old and appear to never have been opened let alone touched. Maybe, its stuck in time like Billy Pilgrim. I can spend most of my time in the studio, it feels more like home then anywhere else I know.

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Pt. 1 Nail Files and Cafes
Listening to: Sum 41
Feeling: introspective

I’ve spent the last forty five minutes aggressively filing my nails to nubs. Hah and I thought the drugs weren’t working. I’m beginning to believe they’re fucking with my brain chemistry, but I don‘t mind. I’m going to paint them black, they look like positive shit without polish. I broke three nails today in the process of buying canvass, the jagged edges caught on completely everything. But, now the edges are to dull and nubby to break or catch on much of anything.

While filing, I thought about Mrs. Pat the kindly lady who runs the Café in the Admin building. Sometimes just going in there is enough to get me through the rest of the day. She reminds me so much of Renee sometimes, and it fucking kills me, I have to go back to focusing on my over priced coffee and a phone that never rings when I want it to. I think I pull one of my rose prints and mat it for her. Its probably the nicest thing I’ve created all year.

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I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me.
Feeling: better

Last night was crazy, and for as wild and drunk as I got, it was exactly what I needed to get through these past couple of days.

I've got school tomorrow and a plethora of new work to complete, and I'm actually excited about it, life is seemings brighter already.

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She hit the edge, it was just her window ledge.
Feeling: worn

I feel like I should just give up, truly and honestly. Every time I try I just get smacked down to the ground. It just keeps getting harder and harder to pick myself back up. Whats the point anymore? when I know I'm just going to fall harder then I fell before. Maybe I should learn just to stay down.

My 'art' is going fucking no where. Honestly I don't know what anyone sees in me. Its all talentless and uninspired. I can't maintain a relationship much less friendships. I can't even find one guy that'll give a fuck about me, they just take what they want until they don't want me anymore. And, I let them, I let them use me. I always think, this time it will be different, and it never is. Nothing ever changes. My friends all have there own lives now, and I can't be anything but happy for them. My job is only good for screwing me out of money. I'm going to graduate with a useless degree. I'm so fucking talentless. I'm fucking useless.

But I'll never learn, I'll never let go of 'hope'. All I want is someone to give a fuck about me, but no one ever will. I wish someone would just end this embarrassment of human existence.

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Spring Break
Feeling: conflicted

Its been a weird couple of days. I'm not sure, well I'm not sure about much other then I want a cigarette.

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Road to no where
Feeling: sick

Its around ten, I should be in my first class but instead I'm hiding out in the library. I'm to exhausted to deal with Mrs.Kim today, not that I had any of my homework done anyway.

Its been a pretty good week, despite having an annoying cold. I finally went to see Coraline with Danny and Kyle, good movie and good people to chill with. The scenes from the garden were really inspiring, I'd really love to sketch that stuff. But, I've got so much homework to do I don't have much time for my own art.

Oh well there will be plenty of time for that later.

Ugh... so tired.

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Its 6:30am, and I'm thinking. Every week is different but nothing ever changes. Sure the people and places are new, but the problems are still the same.

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Entry List
District sleeps alone tonight
The pill's in your hand will...
Pt. 3 Honesty, Insecurity,...
Pt. 2 Stormy Weather,...
Pt. 1 Nail Files and Cafes
I don't like the drugs, but...
She hit the edge, it was just...
Spring Break
Road to no where
blank
When will they learn?
Come as you are
King of catastrophies
Definition of My Life
Three Rights Make a Left
A long December
The Frieght Train is Always...
Wake Up
blank
Soma
Down to Earth flavor
Running up that hill
Mad House
You can't always get what you...
Oh Mother Mary Take my Hand?
The past is only the future...
This isn't just Goodbye, this...
Existentialism on prom night
Why so Serious?
Highway to Hell
Rocco lost and found
Apple Eaters
MaryJanes Last Dance
Calling all Skeletons
Train Tracks
Chemisty of a Car Crash
Morning Glory
Restless Dreams I Walk Alone
I'm do the the things I wanna...
Dark Matter
blank
Victorious
Capulet Cafe
Recently deceased
Coma White
Smile Stupid
I could use a super soaker
Ciao
Something of substance, for...
Breathe
I and I
Hanging with the ghost of...
I've never seen a bigger...
Fistful of Change
Motorway to Roswell
Once more with feeling
Huddle Formation
Mission to Mars
Cemetery Drive
So I was born in a Cabbage...
Ick on long ramble
Believe me Natalie
Suck off my finger prints
lazy girl
Don't panic
Roulette
Oh fuck.
And harder
Hard
Your honor I abject!
Will there be any comfort...
All around goodness
The restruant at the end of...
Proublems and bigger ones
Mango mango
Her dress was a ship at sea
Finger on the trigger to my...
To challange the sun
Weirdo a go go
Chin up
Here comes the tidal wave
Smell that ocean burn
Walk away with a part of me
Red earth
Sing like no ones listening
Sour puss
Race race
Auld lany syne
The begining
89 post(s)