asfdlkjdsnfjkhsdnkj i can't seem to get anything right anymore. every girl i go after seems to have no interest in me. but then again, i cannot blame them. how come everyone gets to be so perfect? why can't i for once in my fucking life, get a break, eh? i never thought caring could hurt so much.

yep. that about sums it up. im sorry.

"my secret joy, in my pockets deep you will find the reasons that i can't sleep." my god am i lonely.

im trying to take it slow. but im crazy about you. every minute that i spend with you is indescribeable. when youre around, i cant stand still, i cant catch my breath. every movement is carefully thought out 10 moves ahead of time. but you, my love, make even the most concise plans crmble with just one gaze into the oceans that are your eyes. and you leave me wondering if i mean something. or maybe, im just a friend. just like a thousand times before.

my parents are alchoholics. she pays no attention to me. my parents are assholes. she pays me no mind. my parents might split up. she dismisses me like rubbish. i dont think ive ever been this lonely. i feel like i am on an island, in the middle of the ocean, on a distant planet, in another galaxy. my tolerance dangles on a string, and it gets thinner with every passing second. i dont need pity. i need support. and this time, my friends are there for me. but i still have trouble trusting people. must have been from all of those amazing, storybook relationships ive had. oh wait...

captain, weve just lost another why do i even try? poofpoofpoofPSSSHHHWWWWboom i think arienette has eluded me once more. how many times must i go through this heartache? why am i always the friend, the "nice guy?" what do i not have to offer that someone else does? curse these genes. even mother nature seems to be against me. i try to sleep this mockery of my dreams off, and the rain pelts my house like theres not tomorrow. hopeless is a good word.

last night i will never forget. i like to think of myself as one that turns lemons in to lemonade, but last night i think i turned lemons into gold. god she is breathtaking. and she treats me like a real person, not just some verbal punching bag. every embrace is magic. and every minute without her is maddening. every word i say to her seems to make her enjoy my presesnce more. its crazy, but i think this is the hope ive been searching for. for such a long time. life is so exciting. i live for this.

how do you get someone who barely knows you to start noticing you? i have toiled over this question for the past few weeks. its so hard. god life is confusing right now. ive got an aching in my soul like no other. my heart flutters at the very mention. ///happiness>>>> and along with happniness comes withdrawal. every spare moment that is not spent is fretted away on thinking about her. i cant help it. if feels so....so natural. its as though my consiousness has been cast adrift in an eternal sea, and i am finally seeing a lighthouse. but then again, it just might be the moon reflecting off the deep purple of the nighttime sea, or some far away star, on the edge of the horizon, fluttiering through its solar system, lightyears away. but for every one second spent on thinking about what could be, three are wasted thinking that this could be a nag on a foreign shore, luring me to the shallow waters so the scalliwags can gut me. oh life is so curious. i suppose the old addage is true, patience is a virtue. but not knowing what she thinks is the worse than the hottest fires and sharpest spears in hell. put out this fire inside me

i could get used to this whole happy thing. its nice.

"shields at half power captain" this has been a long journey. and the sad this is, i dont know where im going. this is a wierd time in my life. not much to look foward to, not much to fear, not much to wake up to, but not enough energy to care. but yet part of me thinks i should see where this could go. and yet part of me thinks im just another guy. a friend. again. these thoughts just keep going through my head like the flight of a butterfly, end over wobbly end. i think im overthinking everything. is there somthing wrong with me? or is it just my outlook? my head feels like a martini shaker. oy gavulta.

man, do i LOVE english class. psyche..... so mike, the russian retard will not shut up, morgan the feminist loud-mouthed whore will not shut up, and finally, mrs wittenshijdlnceobrvjevbj thinks that this class actually matters to anyone. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fucker so yeah, i dont get to see lamb of god this week. or probably ever for that matter. fuckassballsshitfuck

so today i realized it only hurts when girls call me fat. meh. why does it have to be so hot when it rains? i want to wear my effing hoodie. and long pants. so hopefully this (long) weekend will be sweet. and next week, i might get to see lamb of god record. woooooooooooah hold up son, did you just say you might get to see lamb of god record their new album? awwwwww yeah. i am too amazing.

this class is a festering wound, a thorn in my side. no one will shut up. i am between a rock and hard place, my head throbbing from the broken english that oozes unsteadily from my left. i cannot stand one more word, one more letter, but it keeps coming, i cant feel anything except the urge to scream and destroy. but i shall carry on, with my head in my hands and my words in my mouth. today is not a day for violence.

holy eff. best.show.ever. CEPHALIC CARNAGE BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER and i met the bands. i spent the show behind the stage on a ladder and im pretty sure i was in about 23414325 band pictures. holy effing effffffffff.

saturday was gold. let me elaborate . . . woke up on saturday morning with the sun, went out and warmed up for about an hour or so. mark was finally up, so we practiced with no drums, then about 12 jordan arose and we played our set 15 times. flawless. at about 345 we started to pack up. in my opinion, packing and unpacking are the best parts of a show, besides playing it. we went on at six. as i played the intro, i fully realized how fun it is to play live. by the 1st breakdown, the entire pit was engulfed in a fury of fists, claws, teeth and feet. after several congratulatory handshakes, i sat down and shared some chick-fil-a with the band. people actually liked us. how sick is that?

this summer has been a letdown. but it had a happy ending. ...and the waves never stopped coming... i miss so much.

so school is pretty word up. except that two of my classes are sufficiently awkward, for i come into contact with two of my close relationship calls. for example, today i fell asleep in english and anna punched me in the head to wake me up. good times. but at least i take psychology. und deutsch. ja, deutsch ist liebe. but i think it will be a while until i find someone. im pretty disheartened. night night.

"the end of the universe is in san diego california. there is a starbucks, next to a starbucks." so im leaving for the beach again. on sunday. with david. and 210 bucks. imma have a seizure. leave me happy comments so when i get back i feel like i have friends. please?

yeah, the band is comeing along amazing. i got my ibanez. now all i need is to see you. then my week will be complete. call me about innsbrook!!! fuck yeah.

so t3h band is thinking of a new name because, frankly, we hated the old one. its either gonna be to walk once more or to walk the earth once more. in recognition of zombie movies. eff yeah. i hope you had fun at mars volta.