why is it that we remember certain things and not others? why is it that we can try so hard to remember something and still forget it, yet we sometimes remember the things we wish we could forget? Sometimes we remember the most pointless things. other times we cant remember the things we swore we would never forget. Is this just a product of the busy lives we lead? Is there some way to remember those memories that we know we've forgotten? Most importantly, when we forget something, is it truly gone? how do we know when we've truly forgotten a memory? Sometimes it's the smallest little signals that trigger a memory to resurface in our consciousness. sometimes we dont even know what triggered the memory to return to our minds. How do we know when a memory has truly left our state of being, never to resurface again? what is forgetting? is it simply the lack of rememberance? what happens to the memory once it has been forgotten? is it sent to the back of the brain, beyond the reach of conscious thought? is there some other logical reason to explain forgetting? when we forget something, we don't even know we have forgotten it. if an event is forgotten by all, how can we prove it ever happened? is there a way to force a memory to come back into the light of remembrance? why do memories change over time? sometimes we believe we remember something in perfect detail, only to be proven wrong; that it happened differently than we so confidently thought. some memories change to become more beautiful; others change to become more cruel. in truth, we are bound by our memory. we believe our memory to be true and we operate our moods, our emotions, our actions on those memories. our memories make up who we are. without our memories we would not know who our friends are, where our home is, where we belong, to whom are we loved by. our memories define how we grow. who we become is based upon how we remember certain events of our pasts. it is our past that gives us the sense of security in where we have been, what challenges we have overcome, which challenges of life we have defeated and which we have yet to conquer. how can we base so much of ourselves on something so unpredictable as our memories, something so faulty that we dont even realize when we are wrong? how can memories disappear and reappear with so little conscious thought? how can memories fade away and change when we try so desperately to keep them so close to our hearts? there are so many questions with no answers to be found here on Earth. God chooses what we remember and what we forget. our faulty memories are a tool of His to help us become who He wants us to be. He uses our memories to help us forgive in some cases. other times, He allows us to remember so we keep a lesson of life close to our hearts. even other times, He uses our forgetting to allow us to stop remembering the pain from events long past. God uses our memories for our good. He allows us to remember what must be remembered and slips away the memories better forgotten from our minds smoothly, painlessly. Even in events we cannot remember forgetting, His mercy is evident.

Merry Christmas to all! guess what! Jesus loves you! ...thats all.

me and khia broke up today. it hurts. i was the one who broke up with her, but it still hurts. she cares so much for me. how could i do this to her...? i dont know if she can take the scars on her heart that i must have inflicted on her today. i dont want any scars on her wrists with my name on them... how did things turn into this? i think i understand why there are people in this world who will live a lie with a girl now. breaking up is so difficult. its so hard to deal with the fact that I did this to her. the tears im sure shes crying right now are ones that i caused. i could have waited. i could have let her fall out of love with me. i could have let things slip away slowly. i could have, i could have, i could have... but i know in my heart that i couldnt have. i know i did the right thing by not waiting, by breaking up once im sure that this just cant work out, but that leaves me with one big question left. why does it hurt so much to do whats right? it makes me cry.

ok, im dedicating this entry to joanna. that might seem incredibly weird to everybody else in the world, but i was thinking back tonight (i dont do that very often anymore) and i realized that i wouldnt even have this diary if God hadnt placed joanna in my life. a couple weeks back i found the napkin that Grant wrote on over a year ago. 'www.sitdiary.net/danyou' is what it said in plain, pencil lead. thats what started almost a year of writing all of my hurts and inner agonies of life into this thing. somehow, its easier to sometimes write things out than it is to talk to with somebody. i never knew that a year ago. Joanna started that. i owe her big for that. i would have grown in a totally different way without her presence in my life. she started this diary and even after she left my life, the memory of her kept me writing. funny how God works these things. i cared about her, then i crushed myself over her, then i wanted to die because of her, then i wrote for her, now i respect her. i wonder if God changed her life with my presence too...? does she ever look back on things like i do? ha, i wonder if im delusional. either way, this entry is for joanna. a tribute to the difference she made in my life and the effect my getting into this diary has made on me. for all of that, thank you joanna.

Mara Aranda's quincenera was today and it was AWESOME! it was so good it deserves capital letters in its awesome! i experienced many new things today. 1) i got to sing and dance with some really cool Mariachi singers. 2) i heard about 5 times my vocabularys worth of spanish words. 3) i was kicked out of a limo. 4) i partied to mexican music. 5) i re-learned how to do the electric slide. 6) i was partyboyed by 4 girls:D ...and jackson (if there was a puking smiley, i would be using it here.)

This was all that was written on a note a friend gave me today. i was really interested in the whole latin part. If it continues long enough, even a period of terror may be fondly remember. people believe they want justice and a wise government, but really, all they want is an assurance that tomorrow will be very much like today. Taxation, gentlemen, is much like dairy farming. The task is to get maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo. And no practical definition of freedom would be complete without the freedom to take on consequences. indeed, it is the freedom, upon which all others are based. Dear me, no! Pulling together is the aim of despots and tyrants. free men pull in all sorts of directions. This is the period in human history in which it is no longer viable to look to precedent to govern our actions. trying to keep the past alive will inevitably result in the wholesale destruction of society. The with America is that they have forged an eptimistic psyche in which violence and murder crystalize as viable options in a conflict. it's the reason theirs is a culture of fear. Either freedom is univeral and unlimited or it is nothing more than a mutual dream. and when even preventing a man from suiciding curtails his freedom, it is obvious. that freedom, like so much else we think of as real, exists only as a state of mind. The more i study religions, the more im covinced that man has never worshipped anything but himself. I desire to go to Hell and not to Heaven. In the former i shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes while in the latter are only beggars, monks, and apostles. *Latin* Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? who will guard the guards? Contra mundum against the world Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat each hour wounds, but the last one kills Carpe diem sieze the day Dies Irae Judgement Day Mundus vult decipi all the world wants to be fooled Nemo surdior est quam is qui non audiet Nobody is more deaf than he who does not hear Maior risus, acvior ensis the bigger the smile, the sharper the knife Carpe iugulum Go for the throat

God is good. thats all.

today i was sick. too sick to go to school. but that was all for the better. because today was one of those days that goes by slowly. not in a bad type of slowly, but in a way that you look back on your life and remember everything that has happened to you and everything that you have done. its almost as if your looking at your life from the viewpoint of someone else who knows everything about you. you remember the things that hurt, the things that made you not want to live anymore. you remember the things that confused you, the things that made you wish you could understand. you remember the days that were happy, filled with laughter and smiles. you remember the people that have made you who you are, the people that you love. and you cherish the memories.

Joanna, its taken me a week to get my thoughts straight about your letter. when i read it, my first thought was that you were playing some kind of sick joke on me. i thought that this might be something that you would look back on in a day or two and laugh at how stupid i am. and i wanted to hate you for it. i wanted to never have to see your face again. for a long time, ive wished that i had never met you, that things had never happened this way and that i could somehow be the same person i was before you came along. but as time went by, God started telling me differently. that your apology is for real and that it is genuine. God reminded me that im not much different, guilt is a horrible weakness of mine as well. at first i tried to ignore it. i thought i could just wait it out and make it disappear. but a standing apology like yours weighed down on me. the past few days i havent been able to think of much else. i thought about how much change happened in me before you were in my life and after you left my life. i realized that, despite what i had thought, God used you to change me in ways that wouldnt have been possible without our relationship going through its problems. from my vantage point, God somehow made all of this work out for the better. the more i thought about it the more i realized that i didnt want to hate you anymore. i didnt want you to have to feel guilty anymore. when you wrote your apology, it struck me in a way that not many things do. after not talking to me in over 4 months, you had the courage to write an apology to me. you had asked for forgiveness for something that had happened almost half a year ago. i found that amazing. i realized that i respect you for being able to do something like that. and with that respect came forgiveness. its obvious to see that God inspired you to write your apology. even though i hated you less than a week ago, im glad God lives in your heart. your apology is accepted. you are forgiven joanna.

hey everybody! i havent written in this for a long time. sorry, summer just doesnt seem to have many exciting things to put on sitdiary. ive been going to the fair, lake days, friends houses, parties, making some seriously awesome new friends, and saying goodbyes to some of those friends. my good friend Zach Nelson is moving to Kansas City...in spite of that, this summer has been the best one in 3 years. things have just been happening. good things. most summers are boring; summer is usually only good because school isnt taking up 8 hours of my day. but this summer is different. i feel alive! alive with passion and fire! more alive than ever. God has moved me more this summer than ever before. its.....beyond words. i just noticed something interesting. in just about every entry ive ever made, i mention God. whether its a plea for guidance and help or a praise with love, He is mentioned....i kinda like it.

whats wrong with me!? how can i sin so badly against myself and God?? after everything God's done for me, all the blessings, all the moments alone with God, how can i still sin so badly!? He's given me so much! i cant even count! and even better than any physical blessing, He's given me people who genuinely care about me. Gabi, Kenzie, Khia, Zach, TJ, Jasper, Abby, the list goes on and on. yet here i am sinning! how can God love someone like me?? how can God love someone so stupid, so selfish, so ignorant, so unholy...? and now what? after the sin comes the regret and the loss and the wishing that i could go back. i almost wish that God didnt love me, right now. im just too undeserving...sometimes i wish God would really punish me with what i truly deserve. the crime has been committed and where is the justice?........on the cross with Jesus' blood on it.....again God gives me grace and mercy and forgiveness that i dont deserve. God, forgive me. ive sinned so much. im ashamed that you would call me your son, for what kind of son would want to hurt his father? .....God, you saved me. you saved me from what i was becoming, youve saved me from who i am, and youve saved me from the hell that i deserve. thank you God. thank you for the all the blessings and people youve put into my life. they mean more to me than anything else in this world. bless them, all of them. help Gabi, she struggles with a sin much like my own. give her the strength she needs to overcome. and every time she fails to overcome, give her the same grace and mercy that youve given me and help her rise back onto her feet to fight again. Give me the wisdom to help her in her fight. thank you God, for everything. for your love, your grace, your mercy, and your kindness. Amen.

If you ask me why i am crying, I may not know why All of these feelings i am hiding, May just be the reason why. It's really not easy to explain, which makes it so hard to say You can feel it and you know, What it is that is wanting to be told, But you can't put it into words. To make it so that everyone knows. Its like its bottled up deep inside, Because it's actually found a place, That it can hide. It's so hard to hold back, All of these feelings from the people you love. Because it might take away the friendship you actually want People might think that you are stupid Just because you can't explain why, But one day they will find out, The real reason why i cry.

why do i this? i try so hard to help everybody else yet here i am falling deeper and deeper into my own sin... whats wrong with me? am i so blind that i cant even see how much i need help? this is too much for me to do on my own, but there isnt anyone i can turn to. this world is falling apart. and once it falls, where will i be? what will happen to me? will everybody forget that i existed? will there be tears? will people even notice that im gone? .....what happened? what happened to that friend? the friend i could lay all my troubles on? theyve been there my entire life, not always as the same person, but theyve always been there when i needed them. where are they now? how did i lose touch with them? how could i have let myself loose touch with someone i held so dear? .....these eyes of mine are too wet with tears to read anymore.... God, i need you tonight. this heart of mine is broken and there isnt a friend left to save me. how can i heal this heart? God, this life is yours again. i cant lead my own life. every time i try, it falls to pieces. im desperate for you God. come back into my life. save me again. be my one and only god again. melt these walls of coldness built in me. come back into my heart and make me new again....

last meet for track was today. it wasnt what i was hoping it was gonna be. i sucked it up in the 400 hundred today. some idiot told me that there was only gonna be one heat for that race, so i was running against the varsity seniors and juniors. as you would guess, i couldnt really compete... then Shelby jumped 5'2" in the High Jump which made me feel even worse at track. Shelbys just too good. she beat me, josh, AND jackson. normally thats not that bad, but she chose to rub it in. and i, being myself, pretended it didnt matter to me and kept cheering for her. it sucks being bad at something. the 200 hundred was the only thing that i actually did somewhat good in.... and i didnt do the thing that ive kept telling myself i would do all season. talk to HER. now i feel like crappy and stupid. great. to make things worse, ive a got a HUGE science test tomorrow that i am totally unprepared for. theres only 1 thing ive got going for me tonight. to her credit, Kaylene said she would pray for me. Kaylene Haugen is an amazing person. she took one look at me in Video Productions class and said 'dont worry levi. ill pray for you.' she doesnt even know whats going on. i hope her prayers are good ones cause i dont see how this day could get much worse....

dontcha just love that nice, warm feeling you get when you talk to an old friend? i love that feeling.

why is it that everybody hides everything from people? why is it that people hide their feelings when they so desperately need to talk about their feelings? why do they pretend that theyre ok when they know that theyre not? what is it in human nature that makes us do that? even when we know that we need help, we still turn away from help. why? what is it that we're afraid of? are we afraid of being indebted to the person who helps us? or are we afraid of being cured? do we even have a reason for what we do? why?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNA! have an awesome day!

i really dont have much of a reason for writting this entry. heck, i dont even know what its gonna be about yet. hmmmmm......its my little sisters birthday today. that means that all my immediate relatives came over today. my cousins always make things interesting. usually somebody ends up either getting beaten with a stick or injured in some other way. theyre fun cousins though, despite how much they enjoying hurting things......anyway, i was thinking about riding the Jet Ski if i get the chance tonight. it always feels good to get that adrenaline pumping. feeling the water splashing on your face while going 50 mph is great. it feels like nothing in the world can ever catch you......ya know, this is a good song. i oughta listen to Ben Harper more often. hes pretty good. it feels good to listen to relaxing, slow music after the party last night. awesome party. 3 hours of pure, awesome, fun. Anchorman was great. i love Brick. hes so awesome. and hes so much fun to quote. Ron: Brick, didnt you stab somebody with a trident? Brick: Yes. there were horses, and a man on fire, and i killed someone with a trident. hahaha that is the most pointless movie in existence. but man its fun to watch.....time for to go ride the Jet Ski for an hour or so. -Levi

today was a weird day. i felt like i was waiting for something special to happen all day but that something never happened..... anyway, science was the most interesting thing. boring, but interesting in a weird sort of way. all we did was play with balls. we made atomic structures with balls. there were some certain people who just couldnt seem to shut up about the word usage of they were playing with balls in class. immature people.....*cough*SOPHIE!*cough* anyway, i lost alot of dignity in video productions. me and my partners are supposed to be making a 30 second commercial meant to make teenagers wear their seatbelts more often. so my partners decided 'what better way to do that then with TOY CARS!'.....yeah, so now im trapped by my so-called friends, forced into playing with toy cars in front of a camera. how sad is that! even worse, they choose to shoot the scene in the hallway, where everybody else who happened to walk through the school could see.... after that, things just got worse. i learned today that all my friends in Track are all going to the meet tomorrow because theyre all in the top 5 of thier events. whereas, I get to go to the one on Thursday because i cant jump high enough in the high jump, which doesnt make much sense because me and Serbus are tied in our jumping ability. so that means that my coaches like him more.....stupid coach. 5 hours alone at the meet, without any friends to hang out with....this week just started and it sucks already. on a different side of life, i was talking to a girl i like today and, just as luck would have it, she likes a completely different guy. isnt that great. and a different girl who likes me cant seem to make up her mind. i can feel her eyes watching me, i can practically feel her thoughts about me, yet she doesnt show any signs of wanting to talk about what she feels, even though its obvious. that means im probably gonna end up being the one confronting her about it. i hate confrontations. especially when one of us is gonna end up being hurt....so yeah, that was my day. thanks for reading my complaining about my crappy life. -Levi

sorry for putting more lyrics into this thing but this is a good song that i found on accident today. i didnt know this band existed before today and now one of their songs is stuck in my head.... Pieces - Sum 41 I tried to be perfect, But nothing was worth it, I don’t believe it makes me real. I thought it’d be easy, But no one believes me, I meant all the things I said. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, Just to see if they would it show, That I'm trying to let you know, That I’m better off on my own. This place is so empty, My thoughts are so tempting, I don’t know how it got so bad. Sometimes it’s so crazy, that nothing can save me, But it’s the only thing that I have. If you believe it's in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, Just to see if they would it show, That I'm trying to let you know, That I'm better off on my own. (On my own!) I tried to be perfect, It just wasn't worth it, Nothing could ever be so wrong. It’s hard to believe me, It never gets easy, I guess I knew that all along. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, Just to see if it would show, That I'm trying to let you know, That I’m better off on my own.