well i guess its been a while. not a lot has changed. and a lot is going back to the way it was.

well...im sick of shit never working out for me. im sick of hearing that life will start working in my favor in college. bullshit. everything falls apart with me, or it isnt quite right. im sick of it. why do i have to work my ass off for something that will never come to be when it just gets handed to everyone else? on a silver fucking platter to some. im sick of this shit. im sick of pretending to be happy for everyone. when will it be my turn? im really getting tired of waiting. laur

ok...well i thought i lost something i had and treasured, but i guess i just put it away for a while. i think i know what did it but i dont know why. i was always proud of the fact that i could help any of my friends with any of their problems. there would be this insight from god knows where and advice off the top of my head that always seemed to fit. i used to be able to do that shit at the drop of a hat, but then i couldnt. all of a sudden i would just not know what to say. i would be struck dumb for a while and wouldnt be able to contemplate anything worth saying at the time. i wouldnt be able to come up with anything after the fact either. i would just draw a blank when i tryed to think of a solution. that bothered me. i liked being able to help people. but i think that may be back. i think i may be able to help again. because ive been there. in one way or another, ive been there. if theres one thing these mood swings have taught me is that there is an up to every down. there is a light at the end of every tunnel. i know what youre thinking...lauren being optimistic? i guess you could call it that. i would call it anything but, but i suppose the word fits. its just that, believe it or not, i felt that despair. i felt that depression. and it wasnt pretty. nobody saw it, i can assure you of that. i made sure that nobody saw it. if there's one thing that hasnt changed, is that i wont let someone see me at a weak point. i do not break infront of people. i am not weak in front of anyone. unless i cant handle it alone. i waited too long. now, whenever i repeat anything that happened then, they are ready to send me to a shrink. and im not stretching anything. i know there are a few people out there who think i seriously need psychiatric help, and i understand. maybe its for the best, but...im still stubborn. this isnt a pretty subject, and it doesnt feel good to remember, but it cant be forgotten. what is forgotten is repeated because we never learned it the first time. i guess all i can say is: im glad to be able to help again. im happy that i can be stable for someone else to lean on. i may not be as strong as i was, but im still standing. and i know a little bit more this time. laur

i think its time to change some things. first of all...i have to change my sleep habits. i need to start going to bed before 3 am and need to start getting up before 12 pm. especially taking into consideration my newest emploement endeavors. told one place i could come in at 9 and offered to babysit (cliche, i know) for a client which would entail me being at her house in chalfont at 6 am. there is something wrong with that. oh well. incentive to change some habits. whatever. well, everyone is either out of town or going out of town. leaving me with who but myself. my best friend *rolls eyes*. it always bums me out when everyone leaves during the same week, then i leave a few weeks later when everyone is home. blows. but then..wildwood with mare...hmm. well thats a point to go on vacation then isnt it. my thoughts no longer make sense. seeing that it is currently 3:14 am i should be getting to bed. night! laur

well it's been a while i suppose. how is my summer? you may be wondering. well...it certainly is, for one thing. quick update i guess: im 17 now. i got my license. spring mountain was a blast. (as usual) blue rocks was relaxing and mellow. my birthday sucked. some things ended. some things started. new friends. less friends. new gossip. old gossip. i guess thats pretty much it. nothing too special as of yet. this summer has been like every other one i've had the utter joy of living through. I've been kind of bummed for most of the month. not too great. im not really looking forward to going back to school. sure sure...we'll be seniors. hooray. but i dont want it to end yet.

i can't be here any more.

i dont know if i ever like the oncoming season. except for spring. nobody notices spring. i should be loving summer. i man, my birthday is in a month, im going for my license, and in september we'll be seniors. this summer should be one of the best, but i already feel like shit and i finished school today. it's too early for this shit. im coming up on to one year until i can go. i dont even know if that will happen. my parents are threatening to not send me to the school i want to go to. it's not because we cant afford it, there are ways around that. they are saying no because they know thats wheere i want to go. they keep pullng this shit and, honestly, it's getting old. i just need a few days out. that might not even happen. i cant take much more. i have my sanity, but that cant get me ot of here. its all i want. for my birthday, i want you to kidnap me and take me far away. laur

Fall: 1 Sociology-Mr. Deose 120 2 Photo 1-Ms. Oltman 325 3 AP Calc AB-Mr. White 15B 4 Lunch 5/6 Intro to Drama-New Teacher 7/8 Gym (1,4)-Ms. Davy 7/8 Study Hall (2,3,5,6)-Lower Aud 9 French 5-Mme. Markley 72 10 Concert Choir-Mr. Mosser 45 Spring: 1 Brit Lit 1-Miss Swymer 315 2 Poly Sci-New Social Stud (:P) 3 AP Calc AB-Mr.White 15b 4/5 Brit Lit 2-Mrs. Ressler 306 6 Lunch 7/8 Gym (1,4)-Ms. Davy 7/8 Study Hall (2,3,5,6)-Lower Aud 9 French 5-Mme Markley 72 10 Concert Choir-Mr Mossr 45

so...prom is and has been over and done with. finally. it was ok. like any and every other dance, really. except hell of a lot more expensive. mom and dad went to vegas. they left EARLY sunday morning and just got back LATE thursday night/friday morning. my grandparents stayed with me for the week...NEVER AGAIN. as much as i love them, i have no idea how i lived with them when i was 10. how did that work? five days or so nearly killed me, but i was cool for 7 months...?! whatever. im just so glad thats over and done with. concert thursday night went well. concert tonight went well. another concert in new york on wednesday, then off to see wicked again. it should be fun. cape may this weekend summer camp starts the 16 of june tent camping july 8(happy birthday to me), 9, 10 dorney for my b-day thing? maybe? possibly italy in september france in june/july 2006 vegas for my and tom's 18 b-days yeah..whatever im out. laur

prom tonight. i dont want to do this. i really dont. although, maybe a few hours out of the house will do me some good. i dunno. i just have a feeling that this is really gonna suck. i dont know why im going. maybe there was a glimmer of hope somewhere back there. or maybe just because its junior prom. everyone acted like this about winter ball and made a huge fuss because i wasnt going. it was then, and still is like: what's the point? the same four questions are starting to burn a hole through my head. if i hear it one more time, ill scream. whatever. its prom night. i dont want to do it. moral of the story:get off my case. laur ps. buy a gift certificate for landis from me. help send me to france summer '06

nothing like feeling like a waste of space. ...yup.

i want out. i want to leave. i dont want to be here anymore. or better yet: i want her gone. i want her out of my life. i want her to stop ripping to shreds everything and everyone i love. she acts like a child and gets pissed that i dont stand up for myself. then gets pissed when i do. if i can never win, then what's the point of trying in the first place? i guess i can just follow a dear friend's lead and just let it roll of my back. not let it get to me. its working pretty well, so far. its not fair to keep dad living like this, and i guess its not fair to me either. but whatever...i dont have a choice. you play with the cards life deals ya. life is life. do what you can. enjoy it while you have it. thats what i intend on doing. they cant take that much away from me. laur

god...you can practically smell prom in the air. as of now, i have everything but the date. usually i wouldnt care, except for the fact that EVERYONE keeps asking me. its really the last thing i feel like dealing with right now. they just keep asking over and over and over and over...... and the answer doesnt change. its getting to the point where im just like "surprise! no." then i get yelled at for being 'negative' and sarcastic. its getting to the point where its almost bumming me out, despite whether i want to admit it or not. im really sick of being down all the time. prom coming up doesnt help. the only thing its good for is keeping me in check with reality. there is that possibility of hearing no and sorry. either way it blows, just now it wont bring me down so far. i know its "horrible to say" and that i "should really be more positive" but i just dont give a shit anymore. i dont want to be pleasant all the time. i dont want to pretend to be nice and smile until my face hurts. thats not how i feel, therefore thats not how i should act. either way i get yelled at. whatever. im out. laur ps. i updated the diary. its a little brighter, if you will.

well...big couple of weeks to say the least. we just finished up HONK! on monday. that was a blast. i forgot how much fun it was to be in a show like that. and the people were amazing (some more than others...). friday, also opening night, we saw Cyrano de Bergerac during the day, then went home and came back for the first show. it went so well. cast party saturday night...well...cast party, come on. i think thats pretty much it for last week. we had our last show monday..bummer. friday, we went up to new york after school to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. talk about big names there. it was amazing to say the least. i laughed so hard. that was just fun. yesterday i got my dress for prom (gaa!!!). now i just need the details and the date... i know i know..shut up. then off to val's b-day party. fun. as it should be. i think thats pretty much it. im still recovering in the sleep department from the dress rehersals 2 weeks ago. when ill get another full night's sleep...who knows. -k..im out. laur

im starting to think that ignorance really is bliss. laur

i always want to cry. it comes too easily. i should be happy but im not. the littlest things make me depressed. this blows. it truely blows. my schedule for the next month will be hell. i can make a few classes if im lucky (and i mean LUCKY). i had to take off of work more than a few times. i will have no life and no time for one. i enjoy it, but i cant wait until its over. three months for three nights. its a sacrifice laur

i am not finished with them yet. that is why they still have an effect on me. something has yet to happen where our lives will cross or one will be touched by the other. something has yet to happen. now its just a matter of what that something is. laur

so...florida hasnt been exactly eventful thus far. ive been to the local publix twice since ive gotten here. i have hardly slept. i havent gotten much shopping done. i havent been to a beach. i havent even seen the fucking sun yet. the vacation is ok, but im starting to feel like i should have stayed home. it may be snowing like hell back in pa, but at least id have my friends. i havent met any kids down here yet, but the weekend is now upon us, and hopefully i find someone not in the family to hang out with while im here. even though the last time i was here was the trip from hell, at least then i had my cousins to hang out with, and it was sunny. i think this time ive been in the car longer than i was last time, and ive only been here for two full days, as opposed to four. i also received news this evening that i need to watch out for certain things that should be the last things i need to worry about. i shouldnt be worrying about any 'challenges' even if i am out of town, which really is kind of shitty in itself. i know, i know. im on vacation. i should be enjoying myself. lounging out by the pool. hanging out in the hot tub. checking out the locals *cough* local areas...to shop and hang out and stuff... (ok...pathetic attempt at humer. whatever) i just cant seem to be enjoying myself. ive been cold for the past two days. ive been driving around with no idea of where the hell i am for the past two days. ive been kind of bored for the past two days. the only entertainment ive found is a tv in my room, a computer with no speakers, and a shoppe that i have become addicted to. it just feels like all of the stupid 'stresses' of home in a different settings. this so blows. so much for vacation. smile like you mean it. laur

i really wish people would stop telling me things. if i want to know, ill ask. no beating around the bush. i dont want to feel betrayed any more. i dont want anything else to change. i dont want to cry anymore. laur

family life sucks. personal life ok. social life getting better. everything else its getting there. laur