ok...well i thought i lost something i had and treasured, but i guess i just put it away for a while. i think i know what did it but i dont know why. i was always proud of the fact that i could help any of my friends with any of their problems. there would be this insight from god knows where and advice off the top of my head that always seemed to fit. i used to be able to do that shit at the drop of a hat, but then i couldnt. all of a sudden i would just not know what to say. i would be struck dumb for a while and wouldnt be able to contemplate anything worth saying at the time. i wouldnt be able to come up with anything after the fact either. i would just draw a blank when i tryed to think of a solution. that bothered me. i liked being able to help people. but i think that may be back. i think i may be able to help again. because ive been there. in one way or another, ive been there. if theres one thing these mood swings have taught me is that there is an up to every down. there is a light at the end of every tunnel. i know what youre thinking...lauren being optimistic? i guess you could call it that. i would call it anything but, but i suppose the word fits. its just that, believe it or not, i felt that despair. i felt that depression. and it wasnt pretty. nobody saw it, i can assure you of that. i made sure that nobody saw it. if there's one thing that hasnt changed, is that i wont let someone see me at a weak point. i do not break infront of people. i am not weak in front of anyone. unless i cant handle it alone. i waited too long. now, whenever i repeat anything that happened then, they are ready to send me to a shrink. and im not stretching anything. i know there are a few people out there who think i seriously need psychiatric help, and i understand. maybe its for the best, but...im still stubborn. this isnt a pretty subject, and it doesnt feel good to remember, but it cant be forgotten. what is forgotten is repeated because we never learned it the first time. i guess all i can say is: im glad to be able to help again. im happy that i can be stable for someone else to lean on. i may not be as strong as i was, but im still standing. and i know a little bit more this time. laur