Im so satisfied with life right now. I have amazing people all around me. grantide i wish some people would go away but for the most part im content. I love guard. i love water polo most of the time. I love the way me and sarah and alex communicate. i love the way my friends come to me with there problems so i dont have to think about mine. i love crying in my car. i love my new hair. i love my homecoming jewlery. i love karen, megan, and steph. i love kristen and curt together. i love how i got them together but i cant get myself together. i lvoe talking to fer about adam. i love planning ways to talk to adam even though it will never ever happen. i love music. i love my ap lit project that is gunna be amazing. i love thinking. i love sitting back and observing. i love looking back on life and seeing that it influenced me and makes me the way i am now. i love laughing until u fall to the ground. i love taking funny picture. i love doing completely impulsive things like getting all of ur hair chopped of. i love going to shows. i love the idea of cleaning my room. i love colorado. i love being with my family. i love being trapped anyone where with my familiy or my immediate family and teh McKays when it is raining. i love my sitdiary. i love the feeling in my stomack when u text me. i love sarcasm. i love reading. i love getting caught up in books. i love laguna beach. i love dawsons creek. i love my passion for skating even though its over. i love smiling. i love making this list. i love walking in the rain. i love crying in the rain. i love waking up early to see your two best frineds waiting on you to go to swim practice then after practice goin and making disgusting pancakes then spending all day forcing them to watch dawsons creek. i love knowing somethjing are just fantisy and the hope will never fade and its the only thing you will always have. i love hoodies. i love people you could just go away from and come back and everything is the same. i love cole, kait, kelsey, courtney, and britt. i love not knowing what comes next. i love the sound of skates on the ice. i love mishelle where ever she is right now i hope the best for her and her little girl. i love mandy and i hope where ever she is happy and she has finally found a place where she can be her and not be perseved wrongly and that her and chris are better. i love everyone who has ever overcome depression on their own. i love so many things i could go on. if i love all of those things. and all of those people. why do i feel like this. why are you so much to me. I know you dont care. but the hard part is what you said me. its how you make me feel. You make me smile but once its over i just dont no what to do wiht myself. Kelsey told me it was funy that i was deveating a plan to get to hang out wiht Adam. she told me i had never acted this way before. i have never like someone who i didnt already know. i have never wanted to just get to know someone before. i have never wanted something like this before. I want to get to know him better b.c he is a nice guy. and i think after everything i have done. im ready to look back and i appreciate david so much. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and i want something agian. i want to mean somehting to someone again. and to have something to care about. But with you i just cant get over you. its just not working Everyone always asks me what i see in you. i jsut dont no what to say. but i foudn an icon and its asks taht question and the answer is everything. i see everything in you. i see who you dont want anyone to see. its form our couple of talks when i was sad that you probably dont even remember. you gave me a glimps of someone i didnt no excisted. but also see who you want everyone to see. and what drives me crazy is that is what i like. I have always liked the people who are complete ass;s. the ones i knew would hurt me. its just something b.c i believe i deserve it. I wasnt good when i was younger i fucked myself up. that was bad. i wasnt nice good or anything to travis, Me and David just had a special something where if we did or felt anything for anyone else the frist thing we did was talk to each other. b.c we new that that we liked each other so much deep then taht. but could i have ever just been o i like david and only david. i dont deserve a good guy for all of those reasons. im not a bad perosn i no that. but i dont desterve someone who would treat me right. or even like me. i desereve someone who willl be mean ot me. and hurt me, and everything else of that nature. But i just want somethien else. wheather i deserve it or not. i want it. But i still dont understand. i have overcome worse problems then this. but its just tearing me down. i can barely do it. Im so happy. i love so many things as u see before. but i guess i just feel incomplete. wow i think that its. but i have no chance of getting a guy. i just dont understand why. i hate how im not gunna make this private. i hate how im talking to you right now. i hate even though ur an ass and u have been mean to me im still gunan burn u that cd. i hate how if you ever decided to give me the time of day i dont have the will power or self confidence or self worth to say no. i hate how i will probbaly never get to know adam better. i hate how i will probably never have a guy. i hate how i cant even hang on brandon anymore. he used to help me so much b/c i could flirt wiht him and have lay on him like a boy wiht know feelings. i hate how i dont actually hate any thing i just said. i like feeling like this. i like it tairing me apart. i like the fact taht i try even though i no i dont have a chance. it gives me something to do. god this entry is long. its just everthing that is in my head since water polo. its just EVERYTHING. i think your paying me back for last year. i deserve that to. ~to a nameless person~ i love each and everyone of you. you have all touched me life in someway. i know i might never tell some of you this. but its true. ill carry each one of you with me forever.