let me tell you about how i have nothing to say. i feel. i feel i feel so i should be happy. but im human as well...so i can't really appreciate things to their full value. i miss things. i miss alot of things that i used to have and i hate things that i have now. i don't want anyone to give me too much trouble about decisions that i make with my life, especially those anyones that havent earned any respect in my eyes. its a default of mine to be upset, then to be numb, then to fall asleep. and the changes that have come about within me have only made me worse. worse and worse...situations always suck. i would love to be in the company of anyone who has similar feelings. and im insecure about being alone, and i fucked friend security up with someone. people feel things they dont share. i did not look at my grandmothers dead body. it seemed weird to me, my family all laughing and socializing..just all standing around by he dead body. they all say it looked just like her. i don't know if i can believe that. now shes buried in a hole...her body is probably still in good shape but this is my least favorite part of people dying. me thinking about the state of their body. because my mind always wonders.. she was in a box that was put inside another concrete box. and matt told me, "its because they think you are going to need your stuff again. that's completely wrong, but whatever, we dont need to tell them that.." and i said, i dont know about that concrete box...i dont know how long it can keep her in a good state....and he said "are you questioning the power of god?" and i said...no, im questioning the power of concrete. she was a mormon, my grandma. but her mind was lost for so long that i doubt she died a mormon....or really anything.