why things like flowers hanging on the wall hold so much value to me i'm not sure. and the value they hold isnt even really sentimental. not the moment that i got them, or the moment that they appeared in. but moreso the fact that they have been through everything that has happened in the room where they hang. they are a symbol of time, and everything that i would like to happen again. these flowers are 6 years old. and they've been here with me through everything in the past 6 years. but time only started a few years ago at most. its hard to think about being happy without ian. i was. its hard ot think about not being in love with him. but i wasnt. i didnt even know him. i was fine. and i cant say what i feel anymore. i can just hold back tears when hes in my radius. we arent close anymore. and he doesnt deny anything that i say. my life is a tv screen. because im not sure. what to do. about all this. if i just dont think about it, i can pretend theres nothing wrong. but the ultimate goal is to think of it and not want it, of course. and i like other people. i feel attractions to people because im human and thats what humans do. but relationships are unhealthy especially in the state i am in. not that if one came across me i would definitely say no. i dont know what to do. its like, everything, everyone, everything around me is a chance to get together with someone. i dont see why we should always be searching for that, to be with someone, to love someone "like that", to be loved "like that", even if just for one second of time. i would love to be happy on my own. the idea of falling in love like i did before seems so nice. but it wont ever be the same. not after being hurt like this. i will be more cautious. which makes it less fun. scared to give myself. i was already scared to give myself. i did get fucked over though. wheres it going to go, nowhere. people are always positive about it when its happening. but after its gone it never seems worth it. all i want is to go back in time a few years. just go back to the beginning. to have that feeling one more time. because im not sure its ever going to come back. it wont be the same if its not him, and its not the first time feeling it. im not okay.