Made my diary temporarily private...just didn't want everyone reading this. Michael, I love you...I want to believe all of what you said on the last entry and anything you've ever said was true...but I just can't. I know I've denied that I've loved you...but I have since we've broken up...just tried my best to push it away or hide it. I might have not quite realized it then...but I know it's true now. You know I have trust issues. I believe you could marry someone and not stray...but when it comes to just talking to a girl or maybe even dating...that's where the doubts come in. How I came to finally realize that I love you was when I read your MySpace page. It's not the fact I don't think you should date or talk to any girl...just don't want to have to worry about you telling me one thing when something else is really going on. I was always scared that I would realize that I really wanted to marry you and you would have someone else by then. My heart starts to race whenever I see your name online where you've left me a message or when I see your picture. There are times that I wish you could come home for 2 or 3 weeks and we could spend time getting to know each other again...then you pull out a ring and ask me to marry you toward the final days. I don't know what else to say...just thought you should know. Just know all the times I was so mean to you with posts...it was just me trying to push back how I really felt.

I can't wait for the summer when I get to fall asleep next to my husband. Yep...I'm gettin' married in da summer for the ones that don't know. Michael, I love you so much and I'll do everything in my power to keep you happy. You're my everything and more. I can't wait for the days that I actually get to touch you again. I never thought I could ever be this happy...I love you!

Erm...I dunno what to type. I thought I should update though I guess. I'm back with Michael (axis on here) for those that might not know. I love him to death, and plan to make him my husband...even if I have to force him into it! Well, I don't think I'd have to force him...lol. School sucks...I'll eventually get confused in Trig I'm sure...which I've complained about math on here plenty of times. Oh...I'm sorta drawing again...inner joy for that. Taking Art...so maybe I'll get half decent by the time I graduate. Computer classes are boring when you have the same teacher back to back, and she has to go slow for the stupid kids. Um...this song is a very good song! I dunno what else to say so...the end!

I love this song...and "Dance, Dance"...Fall Out Boy ish da best! Not everyone prefers my taste in music...it's changed a lot over time so...yeah. I was listening to some of my heavy metal crap on the way home from school and I started laughing because it seemed so stupid now... Anyway, I just typed out this long thing on here...and the window got closed...I really didn't want to type on this diary anyway because of who all looks at it...but I like getting advice and comments I guess...and getting what's bothering me out somehow, so I guess I'll type all this again. I just wish I could change the fact no matter what...at the back of my mind...I'm always wanting a family and a baby (if you don't know my past...I don't want a sermon). The only thing is...I used to just use my heart in things like that...now I can't do that anymore...I use my brain as well...which is really confusing with you argue with yourself. I'm just tired of not knowing where I'm going in life...I'm really scared...about everything. College scares me...but I'm not going to a HUGE one, and I'm living at home (because my family wants me to...-_-;;) so maybe it won't be too bad. I don't know what I want to major in...the medical field is all I know. Maybe Nursing or Pharmacy... Random other new stuff...I got a new car, cell phone, and laptop (good deal...so went ahead and got it...even though some computer geeks would probably say it sucked because of whatever might be wrong with it in their eyes, no offense ^_^;;). I'm not using it now...I could get on the internet with it at home since we have a router...but something's wrong with it so I'm not worried anyway...too scared with my luck I'd end up with a virus. Maybe I'll fix the router sometime. I want to correct my Senior paper on my laptop (we got back our papers today to fix, and if I turned it in like it is...I'd get an 83, whoo!)...but I need Microsoft Word...I think I've got the disk somewhere...which I want to borrow a better version but eh, why be picky? Well...I should close...at least I'm not crying now. Yeah, I busted into tears when the window closed and I spent all that time typing up a LONG journal entry. I've been rather emotional today anyway...which no one understands exactly... "...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so..."-Hamlet (Act 2 Scene 2)

Me and James got back together yesterday...I'm so happy!!! ^_^ I missed him...but...you guys could tell that so...yeah, lol. Just thought I'd update again.

This is how I feel about me and James...and what I want to say to him. "Cold"-Crossfade Looking back at me I see That I never really got it right I never stopped to think of you I'm always wrapped up in Things I cannnot win You are the antidote that gets me by Something strong Like a drug that gets me high What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold I'm sorry about all the lies Maybe in a different light You could see me stand on my own again 'Cause now I can see You were the antidote that got me by Something strong like a drug that got me high What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold I never meant to be so cold I never really wanted you to see The screwed up side of me that I keep Locked inside of me so deep It always seems to get to me I never really wanted you to go So many things you should have known I guess for me there's just no hope I never meant to be so cold What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold I love you and miss you...

I really like this song...how I feel I guess...to a point. Not saying anyone's lying...just don't want a guy that does...not like I'm lookin'. Anyway, what depresses me is the fact I have no one to show my new vehicle to whenever I get it...when it's decided on what it is. I mean, I don't have James now so...that was kinda the first place I was gonna ride out to. Still miss him of course...kills me to not talk to him. I don't know if he's getting my messages I send him or not and if he is...I don't blame him for not talking to me. Having to fight the urge to call him and talk to him, message him more (I've only messaged twice I think), or leave him a letter or something in his mailbox. Just don't know whether to follow that feeling or not...I figure it's best not to...and if he wants to talk to me he'll contact me. I might leave him a letter later on...don't know yet...probably whenever I've got the new vehicle and he won't recognize it's me driving up. I guess me and Shane are friends again...no reason to not talk to him now. He's a really good friend to have...so that's a good feeling...he's pretty close to being a best friend in my book. I hated to not talk to him...but it helped me and James so it was fine while it lasted. Days are passing by slow...until it's times I'm waiting on...then it goes by fast. Like when James usually calls or when I'm waiting on finding out information on a car and I feel like it's getting too close to closing time...those times fly by...

Just to say...I'm the stupidest person alive...but guess that all works out. My computer screwed up so that's why I didn't update on the "event". Well...of course we got back together...then just broke-up again. Supposedly for good...which is why I did it. I don't know...I guess I just suck as a girlfriend. I just can't stick with telling guys to leave me alone...or to not touch me...I just end up feeling so weird about it...I just try to avoid them all together...or I'm friends with them and I don't want to screw that up. James asked me to choose up front if I would just tell the guys to quit or us break-up and him not come back...so I chose to do the thing that would give him the least amount of pain in the long run and said I couldn't handle telling them to stop. Honestly, I don't think it'd be easy because of the fact I haven't told them to stop before. Either way...he says I don't care because of the path I chose...but I think it shows that I do...because I'm tired of hurting him so much, annoying him, and just arguing with him over the stupidest shit. Of couse I miss him...but hey...I'm not going to screw things up for him again. That's the reason I did it this time...I knew he wouldn't come back and I wouldn't give in. I don't care if he reads this and it changes his outlook on everything...I'll still be as much of an asshole as possible to him...doesn't matter if he sees through it or not...he'll give up eventually. You know, I've always been an asshole to guys I've dated...so why bother dating or getting married? I always say that but I just can't handle staying alone when I like/love someone I guess...I'm sucker for that kind of stuff. Really there's no point in me typing this...because something always changes. Oh, only good thing...I'm looking at cars this week so maybe I'll eventually get a vehicle. Wow, I'm doin' great. I miss him...

"So you're saying that I am a burden to you, eh?" Yeah, I think I'll completely be like Kikyou...except for the actual priestess part...o_O;; Anyone have any access to the miko attire? It's sad I'd actually wear it everyday... Anyway, I mean show no feelings (like my last quote) and never waver. I shouldn't have anything to do with any guy...except for friends. Of course you have to include my Inu Yasha here and there when he comes along...^_^;; Shane should be happy...I chose him over James (Shane is a friend just to let you know)...even though what Shane did was wrong, James was blowing it way out of proportion. If you want to get all technical...James dumped me...I think. Although I want to be like Kikyou...it still means I'll feel like her...keep everything bottled up like her...yeah...I'll be fine.

"I can't show weakness to anybody. I mustn't be indecisive, because youkai would use it against me."

Today's my 18th birthday, but I'm sick so I didn't go to school...lol. My immune system repays me so well for becoming another year older. ^_^

Just postin' on here for the heck of it. It's 2 A.M. and I'm up surfing the internet...ha...what else is new? Anyway, letting my rabbit out to run around a little because he was freaking out wanting attention. My family wants me to give him away...which I sorta do...just would feel bad if I did. Oh, I never did put this up but me and James did get back together Sunday. ^_^ Well, I'm gonna go to bed now...laters!

I'm all excited over a game I don't have yet...sad isn't it? -Begins to cough uncontrollably.- I'm still a little sick...heh...^_^;; Anyway, anyone seen the new Nintendogs game for Nintendo DS? It's so damn cute... I want the one that's "Chihuahua and Friends" because it has the dogs I want and one I have already... I have a Shetland Sheepdog and I want a Chihuahua and a Yorkshire Terrier later on. ^_^ Which if I couldn't get that one game, either of the other two would do...all of the puppies are adorable! I've been looking at the clips on the site. If you wanna check it out it's www.nintendogs.com but beware the cuteness! My birthday is coming up so I suppose I'll benefit from this...my mom already said she'd get the Nintendo DS for me...and won't be hard to get a hold of the game. I mean, there's other games for DS that I'll play...but I'm so excited about a virtual puppy it's depressing! I've always liked games like that...with the whole Giga Pets thing and all. The only reason I quit playing those is the batteries died XD. ...I have too much spare time.

Figured I'd put a new journal entry up...yep...that's about it.

Stupid family...anyway I guess I can't be online because of the weather so...if you wanna talk to me...call me. -Edit- Well, back online now...but if you can't catch me online...call anyway I guess if you want on my cell...? Long as it's not past 12. Doesn't matter...whatever floats da people's boats...doing laundry now...fun times.

It feels weird being single...but I'm actually happy about it...weird huh? We're taking a break...still friends and all...no freaking out this time...blah blah blah.

Was gonna do an entry with a "secret" message that could be translated by da AltaVista Translator...but oh well...whatever...too lazy to try to do it now. I had a whole entry typed out too...deleted it...I keep most of my thoughts to myself now anyway...don't feel like typing them out. Guess it's to keep people from getting mad and making myself depressed as well. Whatever makes everyone else happy...which I can't make everyone happy...can't make myself happy sometimes either so if I don't make you happy...just remember you're not the only one that's not. I'm right there with ya.

I don't feel like explaining the situation...but why can't his dad just leave me alone? The father has too much of a hold on everyone...I can't take it anymore... I'm not getting dragged out on one of the screwed up family days again... Had to end up crying because I couldn't say shit to the Old Fucker...

Thought I would post these lyrics...because I sing this song all the time. Random information...won 5 stuffed animals out of a claw machine down the street today...guess I got the touch...I maybe wasted $2 at the most. "You Were Meant For Me" By Jewel I hear the clock, it's 6 A.M., I feel so far from where I've been. I got my eggs, I got my pancakes, too. I got my maple syrup, ev'rything but you. I break the yolks and make a smiley face, I kinda like it in my brand new place. Wipe the spots above the mirror, Don't leave my keys in the door. I never put wet towels on the floor anymore, 'cause Dreams last so long, Even after you're gone. I know, that you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me, And I was meant for you. I called my momma, she was out for a walk. Consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn't wanna talk. So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news. More hearts being broken or people being used. Put on my coat in the pouring rain. I saw a movie, it just wasn't the same. 'Cause it was happy and I was sad And it made me miss you, oh, so bad 'cause Dreams last so long, Even after you're gone. I know, that you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me, And I was meant for you. I go about my bus'ness, I'm doing fine. Besides, a-what would I say if I had you on the line? Same old story not much to say, Hearts are broken ev'ry day. I brush my teeth, I put the cap back on. I know you hate it when I leave the light on. I pick a book up and then I turn the sheets down, And then I take a deep breath and a good look around. Put on my pj's and hop into bed. I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead. I, I try and tell myself it'll be alright, I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause Dreams last so long, Even after you're gone. I know, that you love me And soon you will see You were meant for me, And I was meant for you. Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you.

Has anyone heard this song? It made me cry... "Skin" by Rascal Flatts Sara Beth is scared to death To hear what the doctor will say She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell And the bruise it just won't go away So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad And flips through an old magazine Till the nurse with the smile stands at the door And says will you please come with me Sara Beth is scared to death Cause the doctor just told her the news Between the red cells and white, something's not right But we're gonna take care of you Six chances in ten, it won't come back again With the therapy we're gonna try It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is And I think we caught it in time And Sara Beth closes her eyes And she dreams she's dancing Around and around without any cares And her very first love is holding her close And a soft wind is blowing her hair Sara Beth is scared to death As she sits holding her mom Cause it would be a mistake for someone to take A girl with no hair to the prom For just this morning, right here on her pillow Was the cruelest of any surprise And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands The proof that she couldn't deny And Sara Beth closes her eyes And she dreams she's dancing Around and around without any cares And her very first love was holding her close And a soft wind is blowing her hair It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door And her daddy ushers him in And when he takes off his cap They all start to cry Cause this morning where his hair had been Softly she touches just skin And they go dancing Around and around without any cares And her very first true love is holding her close And for a moment she is unscared