1.Find out what i want to do with my life. 2.Get a job. 3.Buy a basic dj setup. 4.Create my art studio. 5.Join LA Boxing when im not broke. 7.Lose 64 pounds to feel like sexy neda again. 8.Get my own spot within a year1/2. 9.Move to NYC within 2 years time. 10.Compensate for lost time with family. p.s.i love my family,wish they could understand that through all my lack of emotion.

you never know what the beauty of life is until you have seen a grotesque ballet happen within your own soul.

a yearning that will grab a hold of me in the nite.i miss who he was,not who he became.i miss the real man i had;not the drunk abusive one he slowly became. i want to tear my flesh off to rid myself of the dirt.the tears of my dead childrens fetus'the stinging tears that were never acknowledged,the tears of my families pain,the tears of rape. my flower has been killed&now im merciless. now i know why the caged bird sings; he's not really singing he's crying. im holding up and staying strong,but inside i am writhing with worms.

so i came across a diary entry that i could relate to,and i ended up writing a comment back to them.this is how it goes: family is one thing that i will always miss. it was always the little things that got me... how you get in arguments with your mother over some petty shit, or where you put sumthing or a fist fight with a brother. you miss even the bad times. the trees still sway, life still goes on. make the best of it please. don't end up like me.

i am now 18 years old. for so many months and years i waited to be of age so i could have more control over my life, & yet i seem to be even more out of touch with reality than i ever was. my life is not spiraling downward,but i guess you could say its on hold. i should have appreciated my family as much as i do now. if only they knew how much i love them....but theres no going back. now i must rest in in the grave bed i made for myself. they said i could come back,but to what? in the end i left them for the man i love. i love him and my family so dearly.... but at the same time being in Sin City is not the place i want to be. not the things i want to see. NOT the life i envisioned. the only reason i am here is because my heart lies here. that should be why, shouldn't it?

shits weird in life... it almost seems like a repetitive process-your born, go to school,than college,get a job and get married & have kids. theres a lot in between that too..but if you dont choose something you love with an intense passion, life is either mediocre or as boring as you make it. especially when you dont like your career/job.... and your marriage isn't working out. But it goes the opposite way too...you love somebody and they dont love you as much as you love them. even in marriage that applies.. being hurt by somebody and discovering that you love that person more than they love you is so painful i dont even know how to describe it.. life almost seems like it wont go on but it does at the same time. it goes on,but if you truly are IN LOVE with somebody sometimes you never get out of it. you will never love someone like how you loved that one person. it goes on,but if you truly LOVE somebody it takes a long ass time to get over that person.. &if you care about that person, feelings go away as fast as you want them to,but it doesnt compare to being in love. theres 3 stages. 1.caring about somebody. 2.loving somebody. 3.being IN love with somebody. & i am in love. and it really fucking sucks,because im so pissed off at my boyfriend,but at the same time im in fear of him being gone and me missing him. i almost feel weak to think about him not being there,even as a friend,and i know that if he was gone completely i would never love anybody like i love him. i would be a brick wall... even though i would feel weak, i will NEVER show it. never ever.

shits weird in life... it almost seems like a repetitive process-your born, go to school,than college,get a job and get married & have kids. theres a lot in between that too..but if you dont choose something you love with an intense passion, life is either mediocre or as boring as you make it. especially when you dont like your career/job.... and your marriage isn't working out. But it goes the opposite way too...you love somebody and they dont love you as much as you love them. even in marriage that applies.. being hurt by somebody and discovering that you love that person more than they love you is so painful i dont even know how to describe it.. life almost seems like it wont go on but it does at the same time. it goes on,but if you truly are IN LOVE with somebody sometimes you never get out of it. you will never love someone like how you loved that one person. it goes on,but if you truly LOVE somebody it takes a long ass time to get over that person.. &if you care about that person, feelings go away as fast as you want them to,but it doesnt compare to being in love. theres 3 stages. 1.caring about somebody. 2.loving somebody. 3.being IN love with somebody. & i am in love. and it really fucking sucks,because im so pissed off at my boyfriend,but at the same time im in fear of him being gone and me missing him. i almost feel weak to think about him not being there,even as a friend,and i know that if he was gone completely i would never love anybody like i love him. i would be a brick wall.

life is spinning around me and i can't grasp it except for little specks of happiness.... i just thought about what im gonna do for the rest of my life.... do drugs and live? or live without drugs...it seems impossible. it is impossible.

i love him so much.... it seems that i couldn't leave him even if he did hurt me... i try to seem so egotistical and strong but deep down i know im not. i called him today and instead of telling him how i felt really,i told him i wasn't angry and i wasn't tripping out.. had a normal conversation and acted like everything was perfectly ok and i wasn't hurt in any way... maybe im just a jealous girlfriend i have no idea,but i do know that my boyfriend should not be getting late night phone calls from a girl that i told him i really felt uncomfortable about... not only that but SHE was flirting with him only... yea right. i should have always stuck to my guns and known from my intuition that it was a lie. i wanted to believe him so i wouldn't feel hurt but now i just feel like even more shit now that its hit me... "Melissa i miss you too... especially how we used to talk on the phone all night... ahhh those were the good ol'daze." I KNEW IT FROM THE DAY I EVEN HEARD ABOUT HER AND DISCUSSED IT WITH HIM. i feel cheated,connived, and most of all i feel like all i really have right now is myself... i think i avoided the subject of Melissa because everytime i ever brought something up about a girl,my boyfriend would get all defensive and irritated.... he says he wants to marry me and spend his life with me....and i know that people make mistakes. but if people deny their mistakes and lie about it?? what are you supposed to do about it.... i guess im gonna have to wait until i talk to him about it.... because i can say that everybody is not honest to some degree and i can see why....usually the fear of being left. do you see what i do to defend him>? i gave my heart and soul and what do i get in return....his love or maybe no love. im such a positive person usually but it seems to me that everytime i begin having a positive attitude,something goes horribly wrong and i realize a bitter truth that didn't want to be seen. i hate regret.i hate the stupidity i carry at times.

damn its been so long i dont even know what to write really.... I feel like i have so much to say and so many thoughts running through my head but I can't find the words to describe anything that scatters through my brain.. actually at the moment...i think maybe im confused because im not sure if those anti-deppressants just make everything fast and squiggly or im just immune to the feeling and i dont even notice it anymore. i mean..sometimes everything goes by really fast and then all of a sudden i feel so lethargic like all the energy has been sucked out of me... and lately ive been doubling my dose and it still doesnt hit me like i used to... time for more :)

well it seems as if my world is spinning around at a rate i cant keep up with... i dont even know what it is...but everything goes by so fast,and i try and try but i just dont have the energy to keep up with it... maybe because i stopped smoking? i dont know but its almost as if im not even alive and im watching outside of a glass room. i swear. maybe im going insane i dont know but nothing seems to make me happy at the moment. even the people i know love me, even my fucking MUSIC.

1. get a 3.0 GPA 2. go do drivinggg school :) 3. smile more 4. be nicer to people 5. remember that im loved<3<3 6. keep supporting legalizationnn and SMOKE 7. LOVE 8. LIVE. 9. get a license ;) and drive to l.a.....

welllllll i dont know what to do. with life,wth anything really.

how can there possibly be an end when there was never a beginning?

once i have what i want,after a while i no longer want it. and then when i throw it away,i want it back. and when i cant have what i want,i try my hardest to get it back but sometimes you just can't have what you want. I don't have what i NEED right now,but i have what i want. and at the moment the very thing that i wanted and i conquered..... well i dont know if i want it anymore. actually i dont want it right now,but at the same time once its gone im going to want it again.

hungover and regretful. challenge is the only kick i get out of life. i need a smoke. !@#$@! right now. nobody fucking understands me. not you,not anybody. whatever im used to it.

funny how when you write something positive you get more feedback... but when you write something that nobody really wants to hear because its sad or depressing they just blow it off. well life is fucking GREAT right now. 12432#$@!#$!@$!@$#!@$@#$ damnnnn good.

i've come to the conclusion that life is not to be lived,its there for us to survive. and to survive in this fucked up society,you have to conform to the standards of other people. but not i. im never going to be like everybody else. im going to be one of those people that you wish you could be but you can't. actually i take that back... im going to be one of those people that wishes i could be you. funny how things work out.

I miss my love and his sweet kisses :( and the fact that its valentines day only makes me want him more <3

see? my attitude has changed a big part of my life. !@#$@!$@!$ fuck im so happy. maybe eventually i'll stop using that word too :) FUCK. I'm so happy i dont care im going to use the f word. fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. now i have to worry about my mother finding out about the boy im so in love with,but my dad actually likes him :) i dont know what im going to do when my mom finds out.. my friend got a POUND of chronic from her brother@!#$!@$@!$!@$#@!$@!$!@$#@!$ smoking it all this week,and next week,and the week after that :P did i mention that im in love?