my god, you don't even know how much shit has happened. missy and i broke up one day after our two month anniversary. she's a slutcunt, and i'm over her. actually, her and miriah are together now. miriah tried to fight me on monday and it was just stupid. robbie's back in juvi but should be getting out within the next two months. i broke up with donnie on monday, also. we were pointless and never saw each other or did anything together. now i'm focused on me, for real. what i want. who i want. if i want anything. i think right now i'm okay with myself. i'm comfortable with myself. i don't need to be tied down. i'm fourteen. my teenage years are beginning, which doesn't mean being good and all that bullshit. no, fuck that. i watch movies of teenagers having fun and living life like they'll never die and that's exactly how i feel it should be. if i were to turn into a huge slut and go around having sex with a bunch of different people just because i wanted to, that'd be okay if i didn't get pregnant or get some fucked up disease. that's not what i plan on doing, but some girls do tend to do that and i think that's just a part of that extreme teenage thing. all i do is smoke pot, drink anything and everything, and hangout with my friends who just so happen to be all guys. all guys that will do anything. i wanna be free. i am free. fuck everyone else who disagrees. fuck what people think. i don't care anymore. i'm me. i have so many fucking years to live. i have four years to be a kid by government laws. i'm gonna fucking live those four years like it's nobody's business. but if i run across someone who shows me what it feels like to actually be loved again. god help me. i'll be screaming hallefuckinglujah. so here's a big whatever to the slave world. cathy's a fucking superhero.

&it's working. comfortable with life? yes. nice house, nice friends, nice girlfriend, nice boyfriend, nice fucking life. and i wonder if people like sarah and hilary and marissa ever feel really immature for the stupid shit they say to each other. calling each other fatasses and bitches. when one of them dies, or all of them, or two of them, they're all really going to feel so fucking stupid for their actions and words. i don't know. maybe i'm just aware this isn't elementary school anymore. love. [i love you, greg.]

we're moving. and i'm going to attempt to put my life completely back together. especially after this school year. no matter what happens with all of that, i won't get over him, but i'll be better with everything else. so yay? yay. sitdiary sucks now.

i fucked things up so badly. i had the universe in my hands. and now she does. fucking goddamnit. seeing pictures of them together. happy. smiling. everything we could have been. why can't i get over bryan.

don't hold your breath because you'll only make things worse. birthday's tomorrow. &so is fall break. &no one is to know about this.

why in the hail am i awake? okay, so mom never came home last night. fuckin great. got a blunt for school. went to sleep around two. woke up at four. went back to sleep. woke up at four fifty. and now i'm talking to brandon in my underwear. fuckin freezin balls. i'm wondering where the g's are in that last sentence. lil dude's sitting infront of a speaker. so i'm hearing half of a billy talent song. i feel like attempting to look pretty today. it won't go very well. but still.

nothing happened with dalton. go figure. audrey called him, and there were a lot of girls in the background, and he said, "can they call me back tomorrow," talking about me. they. eh. oh well. there's this kid in school that i've thought was cute since like, the beginning of school. and suddenly he's getting everyone to talk to me for him because he thinks i'm pretty. yeah. i dunno. don't care. it'd be nice to finally have someone. but i gotta start talking to him, get to know him, see if i like him. it's too fucking cold. i hate waking up freezing. it makes me wanna cuddle with mc hammer on the couch and get all comfy. but nooo. the alarm goes off, screaming nirvana, and regardless of the temperature, i gotta get up and get ready. within 50 minutes. AND I'M FREEZING. ah! school doesn't seem nice today. i was fucking excited yesterday. who knows why. but today i just wanna get all warm and sleep for a few more hours. knowing me i'd sleep until school was let out. i can't wait until lunch. so i've been smoking more pot now then i was over summer, which is a lot. eight joints a day. people are too nice, giving tiffany, missy, audrey, and i free pot just to be nice. like kevin. he smokes with us every day, two or three joints a day, because he "has nobody else to smoke with and hates smoking alone." he's 29, but he's nice to everyone, even dustin. he'll smoke with anyone. and he has decent shit. plus, he's straight, even though everyone thinks he's gay, yet he wears fucking thong looking underwear. is there not something wrong with that? i made a new xanga. not to really write in, but it's like a simple xanga that took me around an hour to design, and it'll be used for my favorite pictures, and a few lines here and there. it's 603. i gotta put my contacts in, get dressed, do the girly shit, get missy, and get the fuck out of here. i know why i don't wanna go to school. mrs.rosborough. biiiiitch. so far, i hate how the catcher in the rye is written. it's hard to follow, and i hate how holden speaks and spells. it annoys the piss out of me. but i'm still going to read it all. love.

fair and fucking square. tonight was homecoming. school was strange. mood swings and all. but it was okay in the end. afterschool missy & i went to kevin's and smoked three joints. then tiffany took us to the game. we kicked their asses. whoever the hell we were against. 37 to 14 or something. yeah. too many fucking people there. some asshole kept setting off stink bombs. my god, they were fucking nasty. vanessa was there. and marissa. and sarah. and stephanie. and kaela. and derrick. and keith. and dale. and geoff. and alicia, amy, josh, shane, michelle, gary, audrey, brandon, bryan, austin, andy pants, colton, THELISTGOESON. for some reason, seeing everyone like that really fucking helps the moment. it makes everything go away. getting too many hugs. but hearing your name repeated from like, twenty different directions sucks. OH. so let me tell you guys something. i'm walking with missy and whatnot, right? and i see allyson, steph's sister, with her friends. one of her friends is this guy in a cky beanie and hoodie and his hair's all semi-long redishbrown and he's so fucking adorable. but y'know, when i notice a guy like that, big deal. if i notice them and they make eye contact with me, and keep it longer than i do, then i know something's up. the thing is, the kid and i kept fucking looking for/at each other. and it was really weird. i'd look at him, and he'd be looking at me, and i'd look down, and look back up, and he'd still be looking, so we'd both kinda smile at each other and then look away. it was all in a few seconds each time because it's a fucking football game with 342342342342 people. ANYWAY. eventually, audrey says, "OH I KNOW HIM!" and goes on and on about the kid. we looked for him everywhere, but the game was over by then, and he was nowhere to be found, unfortunately. it upset me, too, because i'm fucking.. lonely. it's ridiculous. yessss, so, missy, audrey, and i walked to the after party at valley mills down the street. even though it was FREEZING. jesus christ, hello fall. BUT. ah! i keep getting off track. we get there, and look everywhere for him, and he's not there. so we hungout with 32423423 different people, met a few new cool kids, saw cody and everyone fuck around and play games and eat and ah. it was really nice. around 1030, missy called her mom up to leave and i was supposed to go with her. audrey wanted me to stay with her until midnight though. but i chose missy, because i didn't feel like staying there if i was already bummed out about the guy not being there and it was really cold anyway. so missy and i are sitting on these rocks waiting for her mom outside when a white car drives passed us and the guy's in the backseat! he saw me and, suprisingly, freaked out, even though his friends were in the car. i don't think he made much noise, or maybe he did. but his hands went up and he pointed and had this huuuuge smile on his face. it was so fucking adorable. i let missy go on home and ended up staying with audrey. it took us forever to talk to him. well, audrey did a few times. took his picture. told him that a friend of hers is interested and shit. yeah, my shy ass couldn't go up to him worth shit. the later it got, the colder it got, so we headed inside. audrey, michael, shane, and i were hanging out by the bathrooms when 'the dude' walks in the building with his friends. audrey screams for him and he comes over. and, gah, i hate myself so much for being so fucking shy, but i did this really girly scream and ran into the bathroom. HAHAHA. OHMYGOD I'M SUCH A LOSER. jesus christ. it took audrey literally twenty minutes to get me the fuck out of there. michael told him to get his friends away. and he did, immediately. and he told audrey that he kept seeing me all night and thought i was really pretty. yeh, my stomach was fucking butterfly central. she got me out eventually by trying to lie. "they all left! you can come back out now." hahaha. roiiiight. so i said, "bullshit, dude. he's still out there, i'm not stupid. swear on our friendship." i love audrey. she started laughing and said that he was out there, and he had told his friends to go away. maaaaaaan. i went out there, and he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and ohman. my fucking heart was pounding. my hands were sweaty. i had this really funny smile stuck on my face. my whole body was shaky. everyone made me sit next to him, and we made small talk (our shoelaces are the same, we both never talk to people that we like because we're both really shy, he introduced me to his friends which was really fucking neat for him to do) because he's really shy, and is a virgin, even though he's in 10th grade, which i found very fucking nice. he's really really cute, so i figured he'd be all manwhorish and shit. but guess not. turns out i fucking know his brother. his brother was talking to me a few weeks ago about buying my drumset, and put dalton (the duuuude's name. isn't that just fucking adorable?) on the phone. we talked for a few seconds. yeahhhh. go figure. i found it funny that we've talked before. but he gave me his number, and even made it a point to find me before he left to hug me goodbye. i don't know, sd. i'm pretty nervous. i mean, come on. really really pretty 10th grader? please. i have a feeling that i won't get enough balls to call him, and even if i do, he won't wanna talk to me and nothing'll happen. i hate getting my hopes up, but they're already up. fuuuuuck. i'm really fucking scared. ahaha. nick chambers, big mother fucker that lives in decatur woods, went up to keith and started threatening him and shit and blaming him for the fucking fires this week. duuuude, i went up to nick so fucking pissed when i heard that. nick screamed, fucking SCREAMED, at me. called me names and all that bullshit. better fucking believe i screamed back. he put his finger in my face while screaming at me, which caused me to slap his hand. he got pissed and said that if i touch him again, he'll beat my ass and yadafuckingyada. the kid just fucking threatened to cut keith's throat open. fuck that. i was fucking pissed. this whole group of black guys were like, RIGHT next to us listening the whole time. as soon as nick said, "fuck you you fucking bitch," he walked off, and the dudes were like, "hey, you need him to get hit? i won't hesitate to fucking go up to him right now and slam his ass. we'll take turns. even you can." it was really nice. i told them to do whatever they want, and i'm not sure what happened. but i thought i'd share that interesting story. wow. i keep talking about me. it's my diary. dur. hahaha. my fucking god. i needa do something. like smoke a lot. or move! OHYEAH! we got to go inside the house on collier! it's like a dollhouse. my ceiling is fucking a little over six feet tall. brandon probably couldn't fit without ducking. it's what's gonna happen, i hope. and hopefully we'll be out of here soooooon. OKAY. NEVERMIND. THIS ENTRY IS TOO LONG.

nothing's going right & everything's falling apart. literally. brandon explained to me what "turned him away from me" & the reasons are really fucking stupid. i'm thirteen to start [even though he made out with a twelve year old two weeks ago.]. i always wear black. he hates piercings other than ears. he likes sports, i like music. 'totally different interests'. and something else that was along the lines of my fucking looks. someone i considered a bestfuckingfriend. fuck brandon berry. my feelings for him were really fucking high, and last night after watching movies from 4-730am, getting along perfectly, and cuddling, he tells me that bullshit. guys are so fucking stupid. really. i hate them. FUCKGUYSGIRLSFRIENDS.

"ughh. i need someone to talk to, talk to. it seems like allyson and stephanie and coty i cant say stuff like this to.. sarah sometimes. hilary most of the time i can. cathy all the fucking time. ^shes amazing. its the only girl i can actually talk to talk to. im thinking im dumb to feel all emo and shit, but then after i talk to her i feel better and shit. shes wonderful." -marissa. she's so fucking amazing. i love her.

&i slowly slip back into depression. everyone seems to find love except me. bryan, ryan, greg, taylor, everyone. i wish i could find someone to love. but the only person i want is bryan. still. gofuckingfigure. i'm inlove, how gay. this past month has been the best month, i swear. even though i've been smoking more pot than i ever could imagine, and drinking, and doing any kind of pill, and even cutting again. i've loved this month. i love my friends, even if they start shit, or talk shit behind my back. they're all so fucking amazing. i adore them all. greg made me feel like someone last night. he should live closer, along with jon, so we could all hangout. mom took me to meijer tonight because i wouldn't move, smile, or talk. she said she thinks i'm depressed. so she bought me a new walkman, eyeshadow, and bandaids. we listened to music really loud with the windows rolled down. i can't tell what lifted my mood. new things, or the music and breeze. kaela and i are okay again. we were kinda iffy yesterday&today. really, i'm friends with everyone. not fighting with anyone. not even fucking taylor. i like it. so one of my bestbestbestfriends was almost forced into shit this weekend. you best believe, if i get my hands on that motherfucker, i'll fucking kill him within ten seconds. let a guy fucking touch one of my girls without their permission. brandon and bryan are still here. brandon was hugging on me on saturday night. it was strange. he said something to me that made me feel warm. it was me, brandon, josh, and hilary;; in that order, walking down the road with our arms around each other's necks. someone, i don't remember who, said, "we should have an orgy." and because we were all high, and having fun, and not caring, i said, "i call brandon. fuck josh. hilary can have him." and brandon squeezed me, and kindof whispered, "you already have me." i'm not sure what it was about that sentence, but my whole body got really fucking warm. brandon hasn't ever said anything like that to me, nor has he directly came out with words to hint that he likes me. i didn't say anything, so he said, "did ya hear me?" and i nodded. then he hugged me a little bit, and that was that. i like brandon, big deal. nothing's going on. nothing will go on. but i do consider him one of my bestfriends. homecoming's fucking next friday. who the fuck's going? everyone should. everyone better. it'll be the best football game ever. it's 1126. it didn't really take me that long to type this. dinner was ready. hopefully something really good will happen soon. hopefully.

this heat sucks. i thought it was fall. i don't update sitdiary, but i do read everyone's. i update xanga once a week. the past few weeks have been nothing but hanging out and doing drugs. even hilary and i hangout now. amazing, huh? so yes. the bottom line is;; fuck guys. girls are what i'm going for right now for some odd reason. i'm okay with everything. &i love butthole surfers.

i'm alive. it's been a little less than a week since i updated this thing. i might not update sitdiary anymore. so. xanga.com/truthlens huge updates and tons of pictures. i'm a very confused person right now.

i made a new xanga. and chances are, because i'm so used to it, and because xanga doesn't fucking blank out when i write an entry each time to the point of where i have to write it on wordpad, i'll be using xanga more. sitdiary has helped me, and no, this isn't a goodbye thing, but i just tend to use xanga more when i have one. so here's the update on my shit for whoever reads this that i don't speak to. xanga;; truthlens livejournal;; xz3r0x myspace;; myspace.com/youweremyarmy hotmail&msn;; x__gunsgobang@hotmail.com yahoo;; synthetic_x_virgin_x_stitch aim;; truth x lens and i'm off to school. pulling a greg;; love.

the all day update. [social studies, third period, 934am.] I NEED TO BE HELD. i really wish i felt better. with brandon leaving and everyone else being gone. missy's a good person, but she won't make up for keith or brandon. i wish this whole bryan thing never happened and he moved to indy. i'm sick of guys and i don't care about this cody thing. i'm falling behind in school and lacking sleep horribly. my nose is fucked, i sneeze constantly, and my voice is going out. i'm pretty sick. &it's not even cold yet. matt reminds me of winter, even though winter's a few months away. it makes me want to talk to him, but he's such a different person now. or maybe he was always this person, he was just a good faker. i don't know. people are good actors anymore. i'm starting to get worse and i'd rather not end up in a doctors office again. just when i thought things were looking up. my life is like a roller coaster. &i don't think i'm going to like it until the ride's over. ps- i hate it when guys wear pink. [algreba, period five, 1045am.] this is so fucking confusing. i was a totally different person not but two periods ago. maybe it's because i'm on my period. or because i care one minute and don't the next. but now i can't stop being nice to people. bi-polar? my god. i think science genuinely makes me better. the teacher's a total bitch, but she doesn't care about anything, and she really just talks the whole time, even if you're talking. travis and tritt sit next to me, and we all get along so well and laugh at everything. it really makes me feel better. there's nothing great about algreba. we grade homework and do more work afterwards. i haven't even turned my homework in. because it's not done. spark's next. and that class is stupid. really fast too. but it's okay. for some reason, i can't wait until lunch to see everyone. yesterday's lunch was horrible because i hadn't had any sleep, and i was cranky. i can't wait to get that fucking camera. picture day is tuesday. reminder. [afterschool. 315pm.] missy's hanging out with me for the day. we're locked out at the moment. mom's on her way home. and brandon has my key. oompa's coming over too. and now we're inside. and oompa's here. i love these girls. i'm in a better mood, yet i'm still upset. but i'm better for now. i'm not going to josh's today. or smoking. i feel like smoking a cigarette right now. so i am. which is definitely fucking gross. but i'm gonna finish it. listening to music with two amazing girls. yeah. having chick friends is nice. i think i'm going to my sister's with my mom today for a bit. talking about boys now. how nice. [now.] i'm home. went to sheena's, got my key, saw brandon and bryan, and oompa and missy just left. i wish brandon wasn't such a guy. we flirt too much. today wasn't the best. but i'm really fucking tired. it's not even nine. and i have a project due tomorrow. along with eleven pages of other homework. i'm not up for it. so i'll go to sleep now, and get up around five thirty, get ready, and do it. mhm.

i'm not updating really right now. because oompa and missy are here. but i've decided to write down my feelings throughout the day. and then i'll post them at the end of the night. [i'm not dealing with cody or dating. just to let whoever know.]

keith and i went to josh's today. well, last night. we smoked four joints and two blunts. it wasn't what josh usually has, and that's okay. for some odd reason, it was like the opposite of what he usually has. it made me really awake, and creative, and talkative. so i haven't been to sleep. and school's in like, an hour. greeaaat. but i got a lot done tonight. from homework to downloading two cds to making a huge picture update on xanga. i have a feeling i'm going to be a bit tired today, but maybe not. it took me thirty minutes to get dressed today because i felt like wearing something i had never worn. black dickies [i have yet to wear these.], my white&black striped dress up shirt, and my avenged sevenfold shirt over it. long sleeve shirt in this weather, i know. but the wind's blowing. actually, i didn't get all of my homework done because mrs. hedgeman is very unorganized and lost an important sheet i needed. she only lost mine, go figure. so to make up for not being able to do that i filled in my calender. birthdays, holidays, concerts. yeah. i feel okay today. california;; here we come. right back where we started from.

so the kid i was talking about that i'm starting to like just called me and asked me on a date. i said no, because i couldn't make it. so he asked if he could stay the night this friday. and i said yes. i'm kinda afraid of what's going to happen with this all. if i start liking him really, and he leads me on. and i get hurt. or if this all goes good, and i get over bryan, and i actually have a good boyfriend. i'm really scared. ps// next month is my birthday. i don't expect anything from any of my friends. but my mother and sister are putting their money together to get that camera i've been dying for. i'm super happy about that. plus, i'm getting my tongue pierced. i hope everything starts looking up. fall and winter make me really depressed. and then i'll have super happy moments. i'm not sure what's up with that. last winter was wasted. this winter will not be.

in the past week i've hated myself, felt infinite, cried, started liking someone, saw danielle, ryan mike, kat, and sheridan, met five new people, and was confessed to. sheridan told me he's inlove with me. and i'm starting to like his friend, cody. greg's the most amazing person ever. and taylor and alex can do nothing but talk shit when they aren't even good people at all. bryan's with megan tonight. physically. i've been smoking too much pot, drinking too much alcohol, and snorting too much speed tonight. whatthefuck am i doing?

i'm taking too much speed and smoking too much pot and chewing too many pills and drinking too much alcohol. i have an exbestfriend who only cares about fitting in and being scene because she's too fucking stupid to see that she's an amazing person when she's herself. because of alex, her 'bestfriend', she's a fucking poser. a goddamned fucking poser. that's all she is. that's all she ever will be. and i hope she fucking learns. and gets hurt so fucking bad. i'm so fucking stupid. i hope so many people fucking... go away. just, disappear. or fucking die. bryan, chloe, kirby, josh, nick, hilary, mitch, chris, angie, megan, heather, miriah, shireley. i don't believe in love. bryan's a fucking waste. he's a fucking dickhead and i hate fucking saying that but i hope he fucking dies. i need to stop taking these drugs. what in the fuck did i do to deserve this? godfuckingdamnit. any money i get, fuck my camera, it's going to the donations for katrina. i can't even cry or take pictures. brandon's fucking leaving me. keith's fucking leaving. bryan fucking left. what in the fuck. i hope kirby gets me. i hope he fucking does what he wants. and i hope he fucking puts that knife into my body like he was going to that night i snuck out to see him just to get lied to and molested. you know what? ihatemyself.