Ed's text Nov 6 2008: 2:06PM Considering the negative vibe around u I've decided id rather text than bother talking to you. I don't feel like your our friend anymore. 2:07PM All u do is carry on a bad attitude and ignore everyone refusing to talk to us, yet we can here how happy and loud u are on the phone. 2:08PM Ur not part of the group and ur not even a part of the house anymore. I don't like feeling like I'm walking on glass in my own house where we all live. 2:10PM I know ur planning to move and as things are I don't think its a bad idea, if u feel u have to wait because we need ur share of rent we can make due without it. 2:12PM I'm not saying I'm kicking you out, but I just don't think things are the same, ur not our roomie anymore, ur not our friend, and u don't look like u wanna be. 2:17PM Whether its because of ur crushing phases or not, who you are now just doesn't make me happy to see you and that's a sad thing to me. ______________________________________________ I ignored the text and didnt go home. Instead I chilled in Mcdonalds with Vic and Frank for like 2 hours just talking. They rock!! Well instead of going home I went to pablos to watch a movie and ended up falling asleep. Ed sent 2 more texts cause I didn't go home till they went to bed. ______________________________________________ 10:56PM I know u don't like confrontation, and I know I can be pushy so I chose to text. U weren't kicked out, this is ur home, u don't have to avoid it. 10:58PM I just didn't wanna stay shut on how the house feels everytime u walk by, but I don't want u thinking u can't come back or have to avoid us.

yo why is it the ppl who have the most reason to be criticized are the ones who are always criticizing. like, get a life and stay out mine!! ugh!

I miss my friend... Wish we had never dated because that basically ruined our friendship... I'm just not comfortable chillin with him like we used to... :-(

So me and Angel hooked up and have been dating for the past two months and I realized that I should have waited to be with him... I didn't think I'll get tired of the kid because I was so obsessed with him, but I'm tired... I just wish we had more to say to each other... Meaningful convos and not the random crap we talk about... It's so disappointing to think that all the pain and drama we went through was for nothing... He's way too clingy and it annoys me... I wish he was smarter and had a career goal that he can actually follow... He wants to be a comic book writer/drawer but he doesn't know how to draw and he's not smart enough to think up any original ideas... He's so fake it drives me crazy!! Will I ever be happy in a relationship? :-(

IM SINGLE!!! YAY!!! and im talking to angel again, but as friends... altho we kissed and rubbed for a couple hours... lol... but from now on we gonna be friends... at least until im ready to date again... i just dont want to ruin things again... im happy tho... something to look forward too... :-)

today we kinda got closer then the other days... soon i see me and him talking again... yay... :-) g2g, at the bf house... :-x

yesterday i was in the kitchen after a big wrestling match with ed involving a marshmellow. i was cleaning the marshmellow from my hair and laughing. angel walks in and we make eye contact and he just stares at me, but i continue what i was doing. i just wanted him to say something... anything... i miss him... it was fun being with just him, stephy and ed yesterday... kinda like it used to be... ... this morning pablo askes me if im still happy with him... i lie and say yes... i really just wanted to say that choosing him was a mistake... how am i suppose to be happy with him while giving up the one person i've loved for the past 2 years...

its cold!!! like really cold!! i hate winter... anyway, today i was suppose to go out with my friend april from middle school but decided after i had gotten all excited and then lost interest, that i didnt feel like going... i was going to lie to her and tell her that something with my man came up or whatever but at the end i just told her it was cold! lol... she understood and we decided to stay in contact and make an actual plan and not an on the wim decision later... eventually we'll go out tho... the thing is also that we are in two different party scenes... she likes drinking and going clubbing all the time and altho i like clubs, i dont like drinking... i also like going to clubs with a date already and not have to find someone to dance with... anyway, we'll figure it out someday... today we all suppose to go to alex's but i dont know how thats going so far... we still at the house and its going to be 9pm... plus its cold!! lol... i got my hair done by stephy... it hurt! but it looks good, so yay! right now im just writing random shit... better then the constant angel talk... altho i really miss him and he's still as yummy as ever... yummier without his beard... anyway byess...

so many secrets... so many demons... i brought this upon myself... back to private entries... no one needs to know but me... :-x

he talked to me the other day at the new years eve party but it was about the sippy cup stephy left... but that lil convo just made my heart ache for him even more!! i wish pablo and me had never happened sometimes... i just want to go back in time and make things right... make them the way they were suppose to be... idk... i just want him... ive wanted him since the first time i saw his picture online and even more when i met him... even thru all the drama with mark, i always knew i'll end up with him and when i finally got the opportunity to be with him, i ran away scared that i'll be hurt by him again... now i know i should have taken a chance at love with him rather then to be with someone i only like as a friend... i wish i wasnt always so confused... i miss him...

so i thought that letting go of angel would make things better but it hasnt. it feels like my heart is fighting me and everytime i see him, i just want to go to him and wrap my arms around him and apologize for hurting him. im feeling it more now because he doesnt talk to me anymore. we're in the same room, with the same friends, playing the same games and ignoring eachother. how am i suppose to ignore someone i spent so much time chasing? i want to stop loving him and believe my lies when i say i dont believe in love, but i cant. i want him more now then before... i wish i could clone myself and give pablo my clone while i run away with angel... i wish i didn't love him so much... i hate crying and thats all i could do now that im not with him...

damn... he looked really good today... damn... :-x

just figured out mark left deeper scars on me then i thought... im playing with my bf and he's holding me down to tickle me and my mind goes back to that place where mark used to hold me down... i dont like thinking of mark anymore but this just freaked me out... i teared up for a while and just got angry... i wish i had him tied to a chair where i could beat him with a bat till he feels the pain he's left within me...

yesterday for my roomies bday weekend we went to escos. it was me, pablo, chanelle, edwin, stephy, semeria and her friend frankie. more ppl was suppose to go, but the group is filled with homophobes! grrr... anyway, the day started out bad cause ed was being a typical guy... after awhile tho, things got good. we all started dancing and by the end of the night a lot of ppl looked dead... i was still hyped tho, until i got near the house and then i was feeling it. theres more detail in between but that was basically it in a nutshell... all that day tho i was getting complimented by random ppl... i felt all girly! _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ now back to normacy... i dont know what im really wanting out of life... and im wondering if what im doing now is really what i want... i think i will never be 100% satisfied with my life and should just stop expecting so much out of ppl... no ones perfect... i know im not... is not being completely happy considered settling or just the way life is??

tomorrows turkey day, so happy turkey day!! right now it's late and im sleepy... i tried doing a puzzle with my roommate but once she quit, it didnt take me to long to follow... ive decided i hate puzzles and would never attempt doing another... lol... today at work i spent the whole day with a turkey hat... by the end of the day i had broke its neck... poor turkey hat... its head was just too heavy i guess... yesterday my boss got some xmas socks for everyone and we had to decorate them to them hang them up... i made a stick figured girl with a snowman under her with his tongue wrapped around her leg... it looked hot... my wrist hurts... im getting old... grrr... regret nothing... nomatter what... i think i try to keep secrets from myself... like if i think something and dont write it, then eventually ill forget what i was thinking... my own secret... after 24 years im still not satisfied with my life... tomorrow im going to jersey with my dad to my sis house... she cooks good, but my dad told me something that i find kinda... idk... anyway, he said my sis has 2 sets of ppl coming over tomorrow... the early group gets to sit around the table together, say grace and enjoy family time... the second group is the one me and my dad in... we get the leftovers... ohh well... nighty night!!

ive made a decision that i have no regrets making but i just wish i could completely erase the feelings i have for u because i feel that i cant fully give myself to him until every ounce of love i have for u is gone... my decision was quick and i didnt give myself time to think about it, but i feel it was the best thing i could have done for myself... me and u would never have worked out in the end... we were just too different and wanted different things out of life... i hope u dont hate me and that one day we can continue to be friends without all the weirdness thats going on now... i know u would never read this but it makes me vent and thats what i need to do right now... i wish u didnt look so sad everytime we see eachother... i want to hug u and apologize but that wouldnt solve anything... itll make things worse and ive done enough damage... im just sorry i hurt u and wish u the best in life and hopefully u find that girl who can make u happy... i love u and really am sorry but i need to move on... bye baby...

On the first I moved out of my mom's house to live with friends and so far it's been a good experience. Whenever I get tired of hanging out, I'll just go in my room and nap. I no longer have to take the bus to head home, so thats a perk. I need to now fix up my finances a lil more... I either need to get a second job or a job where I get paid more. I also gotta go back to school and finish my last semester. I figure as long as I stay away from the drama of dating for awhile and not get too attached to my boytoys, I should be good. I also have decided to not sleep with anyone for awhile, which is kinda hard to do. Lol. I have a LOT of daydreams, but so far I've only had one slip up and its been with my main boytoy whose also my friend, so it's ok. I figure as long as it's only with one person, then... idk... it's just one person. :-P Anyway, so let me rephrase my first statement "I also have decided to not sleep with anyone for awhile (except my main boytoy when he lets me)". I'm gonna leave it at that. I'm sleepy... Bye for now!

i could genuinely say that at this moment i am the happiest i've been in a very long time. and its not that i found some great love, or that my career is getting me somewhere, or even that theres nothing wrong going on at all in my life... i'm just happy... happy to be free and alive and have friends and family... my job doesnt pay enough, but im happy with it... i like the people and im not as stressed as in other places. its wierd tho cause with all this happiness talk, i still randomly get teary eyed... i dont know why, but i just feel a tightness in my chest and i cant control it... i preferr a few moment of tears, to the way things used to be... i was going to talk in detail about what has been going on with me lately, but... idk... dont really feel like it at the moment... right now all i want to do is live and be happy... hopefully this feeling last... :-)

heylo humans.... haven't written here in awhile... just saying hi!!! talk more when i have more time... ohh yeah, and im good and stuff... muazzzzzzzz....

My downfall Girls are taught that virginity is a sacred gift only to be given to the person she loves on their wedding night. Parents emphasize over and over how girls should keep their legs closed so that they won’t turn out like all the loose women with babies and no fathers for them. But what happens when that gift is taken from her? Is she even worth loving anymore? The theft of my virginity is the only event that will forever be burned in my brain, my body, my soul. And because of it I will continue making the same mistakes in life. I was an A student at age seventeen. Even had a job and was able to juggle the two with hardly any problems. After that school year ended, I was excited to go to PR to visit my family that recently moved back there from the Bronx. Everything was beautiful; the weather, houses, people and even the sounds. I thought I was on top of the world. And then I met Ivan. Ivan was the twenty-three year old next door neighbor (I’m not even twenty-three yet and it’s been five years). It’s not like he was the cutest guy I’ve ever met, or even the coolest. He wasn’t the funniest, or the smartest. The only feather he had were his eyes. They were regular brown eyes, but something in his stare made me ignore all his bad qualities. Forget when he criticized my dress style. Forget that we never had a real conversation. Forget that he was also with my male cousin. One of the main reasons I went to PR was to help my cousin with his problem with Ivan. I was supposed to be his escape, but instead I got sucked into their world. We started playing this game where we split Ivan in half and I never expected it to become real. I was a seventeen year old virgin who had never even seen in guy’s package. I had no idea that this was a dangerous game. Then one day after playing this game for weeks, we were all relaxing in Ivan’s room. Ivan and I were face to face on our sides on the bed, with my cousin lying on Ivan’s leg. That was our first kiss (Mine and Ivan’s). It was like having electricity surge throughout my body. I had never felt that before (and sadly I never felt that with anyone else). My cousin saw us and got mad. I later apologized and said I won’t do it again, but he told me I had to continue, or Ivan will get mad at him. And so we shared him, not expecting it to be more then just kissing. Then Ivan and I started doing more things alone in the bedroom. Things I had only heard about, but never experienced till then. I told him from the start that I didn’t want to lose my virginity, and he agreed that it will only be oral. I trusted him completely and thought that one day I will marry him. I don’t know why I trusted him. Maybe it was the way he looked at me that made me feel like I was the center of his world. Or it was just stupidity due to inexperience. Either way I didn’t realize how deep into his lie I really was. The details of what happened aren’t important, but the act itself killed something in me; left me confused, angry and questioning myself. Is it rape if I didn’t scream? If I didn’t tell anyone? If after that night I continued with him for two more? Not out of love, but fear of angering him. Although I tried to feel the same as before because since he took my virginity, he had to marry me. That’s the only way it would make his act right. After I left PR, my so-called relationship ended. At first I tried to brainwash my self into thinking it was love, but the tears I shed were not for him. They were for me. For the part of me I could never get back. My male cousin also ended up losing his virginity to Ivan before he came to NY to live with me. I think he did it out of spite though. As a way to tell me that it started with him and will finish with him. By that point I didn’t care though. As a matter of fact, I stopped caring about a lot of things. By the time school started again, I was a completely different person. I stopped worrying about my grades and barely passed my classes. I got fired from my job due to my bad attitude and inability to keep my mouth closed. Worse of all, I became very promiscuous. I talked about my experience in PR as if I enjoyed every minute of it. After I stopped crying at night, which took about a year, I ended up meeting a guy online and sleeping with him the first day. That lasted a month and I saw him only three times. He was my way of hurting my self because I thought I was a dirty slut who didn’t deserve better. Afterwards, sex became by “comfort zone”. Whenever I’m sad and alone, I find a person to “mess with”. I could no longer remain alone. It’s weird how that one moment in my life continues to relive itself. Not that I continue getting raped, but I allow myself to be violated, even welcome it; the rougher, the better. Ivan reprogrammed my mind and I’m not sure if it even bothers me anymore.