i was just thinking about one of my friends and he barely knows me.but it's my fault completely,because i never let him see me.I don't think anyone has seen the real me in ages.I don't know why.Maybe because I'm scared shitless of everything and everyone,and if i let people see the real me,they would be utterly disgusted.
you know what,i think even if i tryed to show the real me to people,it would never happen.I don't think i even know myself.actually i don't.not even a little bit.
im plastic.completely plastic.
every word that comes out of my mouth,every smile i give,every "i love you" i give,
utter bullshit.
and what bothers me the most is that he will probably never know how i feel about myself and other people,because i wont let him.i refuse because i am a coward.and he is the nicest guy in the world.Popular,loved,happy,optimistic and every other compliment in the book.even homecoming prince.I'm uncomfortable being in the same room with him because I feel like a bitch when he's around.
he thinks i'm quiet and shy,but he has no idea.he only sees what i want him to see.and that is very little too.i wish i could cry right now but I can't.I haven't cried in ages.
i feel numb.
unbelievably numb.
give me anything.heroin even sounds good right now.
my moms ex-husband was a heroin addict.She never knew until the last 6 months of their marriage.I don't know the whole story,but they really loved each other,and then he got really into hard drugs.
I feel absolutely horrible knowing this because who am I to actually believe that my life is bad,hating myself to the core,and believing that everything is terrible,when you see what other people have been through you feel like a baby and a coward.
I hate to be around her,because just like the other guy,she makes me feel worthless.its not like she tries,its just how things work out.she's better than me.much better.and theres nothing i can do to change it.
I know some people may think,so what if he was a heroin addict,well just imagine loving somebody completely,and watching them slowly die,not knowing whats happening to them.a slow disintegration.My mom cried and cried and i still think she hasn't gotten over it.But she had the courage to let herself fall in love. I don't.She trusts barely anybody and I don't blame her.if somebody you love could actually steal your gold and money for there drugs,then anybody can do anything to you.
and even though she calls me a bitch and a selfish girl, i know i am.I'm a lot more than that too.I'm glad that I have someone that isn't scared to tell the truth straight to my face.If i didnt have her to tell me,who would?
thank god for my mother.
i love her even though I don't in a way.
i love you.
and your the only one i can say that too and not taste the bullshit coming out of my mouth.