I feel my heart is made of heavy rocks tied by a chord of misery sinking into nothingness. I want to become someone I know I am but spirits hold me back, society holds me back, fear holds me back, and the lack of a parent holds me back. I am looking at myself from a third person and I feel shocked to realize how years can build and I got lost in the middle of problems I couldn't solve. I want to feel hope and be able to fight and feel the beauty of the world that I know exists. And I know that somewhere in the mess that I am exists a beautiful person created by a beautiful God that is able to do great things. I remember when all I wanted was to help people and I had faith in this world. But now I am sickened and I am ashamed of myself and the things that sorround me. I feel what truly makes who I am has died and the only thing left is my body that lives day to day. I want to build up courage to stop hurting. I want to move out and start a new life. I want to know myself. I want to read books and know about literature and great poets and the stars and religion and the things that truly amaze me. I want to love openly.