In my last entry i was seriously suicidal. Wat is makin me so depressed lately i find it hard2put in2words i wuz readin a book last nyt and i found a passage in it that is as close2how i feel as i can get "Friends who i can talk to and hang out with, just like ive always dreamed, we could talk about books and politics and vandalise at night, want to? Huh? Hey, I can't stop pulling my hair out! Please! God damn, Jesus Fucking Christ Almighty, love me, me, me, we could go on a trial basis, please I don't care if it's the out-of-the-in-crowd, I just need a crowd, a gang, a reason to smile. I won't smother you, ah shit, shit, shit, please, isn't there somebody out there? somebody, anybody, God help, help me please. I want to be accepted. I have to be accepted. I'll wear any kind of close you want! I'm so tired of crying and dreaming, I'm soo soo alone. Isn't there anyone out there? Please help me. HELP ME!" Dat was takin from a journal of a little known rock musician called Kurt(or his alter ego Kurdt)Cobain. Its about as accurate i can get to how i feel. Last nyt a nearly took the plunge. I sed dat "wats the point...Jump. It'll make it all end. it ends here and now. Just take one more step." But i ddnt jump. i stood and stared at that water and my 1st nephew started goin thru my head. "if i jump who can stop him from turnin out exactly how i did? i have 2 b der for him. even if i don't help him den ders plenty of others i can stop goin down d same road as me. I wont b conquered by my fear. der are 2 many peep out there who i may not have met yet but can realy care for me(dat includes u tara!xxx) and if i kill myself if i have a one tru love out der she may end up lik me. i may or may not b able2change my own life... mayb im destined to b alone. but if i can help stop any1person feelin half of wat i feel now ive accomplished my goal in life- To cause a difference and leave a legacy behind." If der is ne1out there who needs2talk bout ANYTHING my email address is mucka1916@hotmail.com