Snowed in.

Listening to: Real housewives of OC
Feeling: irritated
It finally started snowing, after waiting for it all day. I think it's funny how everyone anticipates a snow storm, Only to bitch about it once it starts. I like snow but I don't like shoveling it. TACHI doesn't like it either All 6 pounds of her. Lol. I still haven't found a job, I will take anything at the moment. I'm trying to stay positive. I wish my snow mobile worked, I'd be ripping it. They say we're going to get 15 inches of snow. I really feel so un accomplished at this point in my life. One side of me already gave up, the other side is trying.. . I need to be stable, in all ways, and I'm not. Useless. If I keep wanting it ill get it eventually. I'm doing all I can. I wanted this to be a happy update but today just has me so irritated. So irritated I don't even want to write about it and relive it. Ha. Mercury. Thanks. The next 24 hours should be calm atleast, with all the snow coming. I'm looking forward to cuddling the day away with my animals. Coffee, movies, bongs..... am I pathetic? I really miss going to concerts. They are essential to my mental health. The memories that came up on facebook yesterday made me long for them! Covid, I guess. I try not to go many places... I just want to be content. ********************************* After I posted this, the ball joint on my car went cahoots....lucky me... Hopefully my mechanic cannfix it soon
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The anthem of our dying day

Listening to: My cat purring
Feeling: abnormal
January 6th already? That escalated quickly. The world scares me. I think everyone needs a hit of the fucking bong. Their own bong, of course, because, COVID. ... my cat is mad that I'm typing, Brb? I was high as a kite when I wrote the above .. I guess I am now too.. Any ways, I always feel like such a failure. I still can't find a job, its been 2 months.. I don't know I feel useless. I'm getting too used to being sad all the time and smoking pot That probably doesn't help. But it does (lol) its better than those pills they put me on. Yuck. I'm not good at this. I basically rescued a bearded dragon . His habitat was all wrong, it was hurting him. So I changed His light to an actual sun basking light and what not. I could tell after awhile in the heat, he was allot Happier and moving aroind.... I'm distracted right now Alright I thought that got deleted but I guess not. Same shit different day. I felt okay today. I can't sleep. It's 1:38am. My dog is sleeping on my arm. Maybe I should stop watching murder mysteries and atleast try to shut my eyes.
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Seven years.

Listening to: My loud brain
Feeling: high
Seven years seems like a blur to me really. Have I wasted most of it? Probably.. I'm alive, if thats of any value. I've struggled mentally alot.. who even reads this anymore.? Hello.. ha ha. I forgot what it feels like to ramble on this thing. A bunch of run on sentences. Do I dare mention the big 19? Covid, that it. I'm 30 now. Ended up catching it. What the fuck was that? Am I just a constant disease now? People watch the news too much and I don't think that's good for their own mental health. I really want to get out of this country before they ban that too. Where would I go? With my dog � A beach. No, the mountains. Somewhere with fresh water and fruit. I should have started digging my bunker when I said I was going too. Maybe I should start typing my random thoughts more often. I don't know what to do about Anthony. I love him. But he treats me like, not that great. I don't feel loved. 9 years is a long time. Who knows. I don't Who ever reads this, I apologize for not making any sense. I use to have pen pals or something on here, what happened? Leo? Megan? I don't know.
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Listening to: underoath
Feeling: alive
It's been so long since i've written on here, like i said in my last entry 2 years ago. Ha. Life is good somewhat, been working at Stewarts for almost a year now making good money. Love my boo, love my fam. The only negative is that I lost my Gramma and i'm still not myself since she past. I miss her so much. I know she would want me to be happy &not being so down like i've been the past few weeks. I want to say.. LEO [inyearstocome] I, for some reason am thinkign of you right now cause you were a good friend when I was younger, even though it was only over the internet, i loved our conversations. I want to just send a HEY HOW ARE YOU out there if you ever see this :] pickelssssss. I was listening to Glass in the Trees and you just popped in my head! I know this is kind of weird but whatever :) Tumblr owns my life, but I think im going to start updating more and venting 'cause i know it will aid me in NOT ripping someones face off, hehe.Adios! <3
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a decade under the influence?

Listening to: nooothin.
It's been, I would saaaaay, 5 or 6 years since i have updated my sitD, holy shit. Ive grown, I'm a new person. I actually just got done reading thru my WHOLE diary and it amazes me how my life has change, and not changed. and the people that were in it, and ARE STILL IN IT.. and a big SUCK IT EASY to the people who are no longer fortunate to witness this masacre! haha. I love life. I don't have contact really with any of my friends on here.... or do i even still have any? sitD has been thru a fuckload since ive hopped aboard... ok. I'm deathly sickand all these antibiotics have set my screws loose! Myffffeeeeeoooooooo<3 peace<3love&hAppiness:]
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...

I know we've never met and you'll probably never read this. There are certain things your voice does to me, it makes me feel the ground and sky again. How sad it is when you spill your guts on the paper. It only neglects you and never relieves. In every corner and space I search for you, I've only found your vocal cords. Hate that I'm never certain of what needs what most. All day your songs spin me into a romance repeatedly to the sky. Scream over and over again repeatedly to the sky.
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Untitled

Sitting up in my room alone for first time in awhile made me think, a lot. What do I think about? I think about my life, and i think about the things i've held on to, and dwelled on and suffocated myself with, to the point i could barely breath let alone function, and why? to pass the time i guess, everyone's always searchin for a deeper meaning, or something to make them happy and the truth of it is, its just greed tugging at your skin. Look at the people around you, the places you go, the enviroment you're in, let go of everything else and realize that everythign you do, you have control over. its an amazing feeling. i couldnt be more thankful for the life i lead, or for the fact that i'm able to breathe. and while some could say, "you don't have it all" the thing is, i do. i might not be in a relationship, i might not have alot of money but all of that doesnt matter, because the moment i make one person smile, for that 1 second, i gave that person happiness. Everytime i make a guy laugh, to see that glisten in his eyes, that look that they give me, the softness in their voice, for that 1 second i'm loved, i'm fortunate to make that moment happen over and over everyday, and one day i'll be able to share that passion with someone that truely appreciates it and that makes everything ok. so what is left to be upset about? am i ok? of course i am breathing aren't I? OH. and fuck bitches that start shit. Start again, I dare you. It will be a reanactment of last time, baby. :]
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Untitled

I dont know, I've never been happier in my life... and yet I find myself disappointed, I dont know why, I feel like everything I've ever held myself to or built myself up on, is fading away... but I'm still happy, so maybe I've been living a lie, or maybe I'm just lost in this new world that I never knew exisisted...
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Untitled

So tonight... spent sober I realized alot. my eyes have finally awakend to a world I did not wish exsisted, and while I was neck deep in one end, which I've finally been pulled from; I now find myself confused in the other end... I dont get it, I dont think I ever will, and as temepting as it is to be sucked into it, I dont think I ever could, but the world of getting fucked up and calling it a day will never make sense to me. Especially if you put the world around you at risk the moment you reach for your keys. It bothers me and sickens me to an end I can't even discuss... but what do i do? fight the world? ahh what the fuck i've done it before right? why not... people need extreme examples to focus their lives and it's sad. ____ I hate the mask and games played the "call/dont call" "speak, but not too much" "share but hold out" way of this whole process, I dont get it. I'm not looking to get laid, if I wanted that, it's just a few phone calls away. I want some where to rest my head, I want a phone calls to say goodnight, I want wake up calls in the morning, I wanna be saved, I want to be loved, I want to be liked, I could lie and say I've had it before but anyone that knows me and my situation would just laugh, and I have to laugh too, you can't share something "special" with someone when half the city already has. I want my partner in crime, and I want to do it right. I want to take over this fucking town and then the world, but I dont want an empire to myself. A little off subject, but I got my lip pierced. Sweet. This will be my last entry for awhile.
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Untitled

So tonight... spent sober I realized alot. my eyes have finally awakend to a world I did not wish exsisted, and while I was neck deep in one end, which I've finally been pulled from; I now find myself confused in the other end... I dont get it, I dont think I ever will, and as temepting as it is to be sucked into it, I dont think I ever could, but the world of getting fucked up and calling it a day will never make sense to me. Especially if you put the world around you at risk the moment you reach for your keys. It bothers me and sickens me to an end I can't even discuss... but what do i do? fight the world??? ahh what the fuck i've done it before right? why not... people need extreme examples to focus their lives and it's sad. ____ I hate the mask and games played the "call/dont call" "speak, but not too much" "share but hold out" way of this whole process, I dont get it. I'm not looking to get laid, if I wanted that, it's just a few phone calls away. I want some where to rest my head, I want a phone calls to say goodnight, I want wake up calls in the morning, I wanna be saved, I want to be loved, I want to be liked, I could lie and say I've had it before but anyone that knows me and my situation would just laugh, and I have to laugh too, you can't share something "special" with someone when half the city already has. I want my partner in crime, and I want to do it right. I want to take over this fucking town and then the world, but I dont want an empire to myself. A little off subject, but I got my lip pierced. Sweet. This will be my last entry for awhile.
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Untitled

Twelve days gone by, since I have saw you last. I'll give this one more try, I'll give it all my best, and, I'll ask; What could you be doing that is so much fun? Without me by your side, without me by your side. And, I will take a step back, and, I'll let you ahead, and, I will take a step away, and, see if you come back. Because there's no more trying to make this so right. There's no more trying, there's no more trying tonight..
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Untitled

The night's ocean is colored red, as the roses cut from my hand. It's time to move on from this, and I will grow from this. The sun shines dimmer each day, as the dissonant chord fueled by memory, we watch eachother grow, but children we still are, yearning to seek and to believe, we are not yet able to breathe. While we bleed the fresh air, and choke on the fear, of healing eachothers scars. Someone is there, someone is there. see with your heart, and cry with your eyes closed.
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Bah says Tina.

I met an amazing person. The comfort of being with someone that appreciates you in all forms, is nothing but warming and comforting...
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Sunday's.

You should never have to pursue someone to take a role in your life, if you have to beg and plead for them to play a part then obviously they do not value to the extent that you need or else you wouldnt have to chase it, so walk away and focus your time and attention on those that do and the chance of meeting someone who does fullfill that. Hmph. I cant stand to be alone, I absolutely hate it. Being alone is one of my worst experiences which I have to experience very often late at night. I cant stand the fact of not being accepted, of not being loved, and while I hate not being myself sometimes, I mask how I really feel or think just souley based on the fact of keeping company. It pains me every night, but its better than facing my true fear of facing myself. My mind works like a thousand trains barreling down a thousand tracks nearly breaking the speed of sound. I compare this to trying and watch all a thousand trains at the same time and figuring out whats wrong with them while they are traveling at rediculous speeds. It becomes quite the struggle, and near impossible. Its a circle of thoughts that will never be broken, only slowed to managable speeds. And lately more than ever, I find myself questioning who I am, and what I want, and what I've done. I believe within myself, lies the answer to a question that thousands of people ask themselves everyday, It's just the fact that there's no drive to be able to deliever such a powerful message, there's no urgency because of the falling status of the world around me. I think i am important, and I think I am smart and I think I am caring; to an extent most people wish they could hold themselves to, and I believe this makes me a strong person and confident in who I want to be, but i'm not. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be coming to an end. but It's not the moments of an ending you celebrate, It's the preperation for the random emergencies at 4 in the morning on a random thursday that should be worried about. But worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where. so do I subcome to the world around me. or do I continue fighting for the good I know exists, and for my sanity....
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i'm alive..with a lot to say.

A lot of things have happened since I last updated. Not good things. But they made me think.. a lot. I think that love, true love, is a concept thats been lost through media. i think its one of the few things that truely matters on this world. i think if you truely hate someone, than you are wasting way to much effort on hating that person when you could be doing something so much more productive. i hate lying, i think lying is one of the stupidest things anyone can do, because you're not only saying, "hey i obviously cant tell you how i truely feel or what really happend because i'm not strong enough" but you're saying, "i really dont think your worth putting myself through it". i think everyone has lost sight of respect, they build it up to this huge deal, when really its about as simple as you can get, just dont do anything to anyone you wouldnt put yourself through and be able to come out of with a smile. i think everyone needs to laugh, and not like smile, but laugh so hard it hurts, and i think they need to spend about 60% of their time awake doing this. I do believe that laughter is the best medicine, and i want to be the prescription, and if you know me, you know i try really hard to be it. i think sex is too much work if there's no feelings behind it, to get naked and bang someone with no feeling behind it, is too much work, i think i'd rather just finger myself or something, because then you dont have to deal with the conversation or the reprecutions afterwords. i think now and days kissing and hugging has lost its credibility, this is a really good way to express your feelings towards another person. i feel like friendships have losts themsevles in being able to associate with people that will get you places or be able to enjoy the same activities as you do, instead of being someone you can bond with. i think movies are an amazing insight into how things could be but are over dramatized for our entertainment. i think music only reaffirms how we feel and that can be dangerous. i think being able to have good communication is probally one of the most important things in the world, and without it we're all lost. *takes deep breath* ..and i know i am not perfect, i dont walk on water, and i've probally gone against almost everything i just wrote about. but what does this all mean? i think life is just that, life. its how you live, and what you do. i think if you dont live your life to make yourself more than anyone could ever imagine, and if you build up everything around you, you'll be far more loved than anyone could have dreamt of. and with all that, you'll impact lives, and it'll make your life so much more than a life, it'll make you live on, for as long as those lives live, you'll no longer be a person, but a feeling, an emotion, you'll be support, and love and if anything else a legend. so what do i think of my self...? yeah i am all those things, i do feel that way, and i try my hardest, everyday and every night and every second that i breathe to do all of those things, and i try to stick to what i think and how i feel as best as i can. i have fucked up, and i have hurt, and i have lie and cheated and stole and hurt. i'm not perfect and i'm not trying to be, i'm just trying to be the best that i can, and if everyday i can make one person feel or think differently about themselves or the world around them, if everyday i can make one person laugh, one person smile, one person dry their tears, then you know what i'll die happy and i think, i think i've done that...
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It's so hard walking on this balance beam. Things are so passive aggressive, but not aggressive enough to be passive. It's driving me nuts. It's like watching a blind man cross a street, you know they can do it alone, but you just want to help to speed up the process, the anxiety is horrifying. but this is love. love is not demanding, it's understanding. It's respectful, something i haven't quite mastered yet, but I think i'm catching on pretty quick. There's a thousand things I could say, or do, but we'll wait.... so for now, i'll count my blessings, and keep staring at photographs no matter how processed they may be, it's still a part of every one of our memories. There's a reason why no one takes pictures of people crying or frowning, because these are times that should never be remembered. &This is a life lesson I think we all should remember. Including myself, unfortunatly I had to learn it in the most painful way possible, but these are the lines we walk, it's our choice to run or crawl. Never give up....but I give up.
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I AM MY OWN CANCER

How can you question everything I say? and how I breathe... How can you lead me on, how can you let me continue the chase? I've lost my mind, but I know one thing, I tried my fucking hardest. I always try to make everyone's life a little bit easier, and I don't ask for much in return.. I don't ask for anything. I'm a fucking doormat. ..and I swear to god, i'd burn this whole city to the ground just to make you feel something. I'm hurting, can't you see that? can't you hear me? [i'mdyingwithoutyou]
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It's sad watching beatiful potential go to waste, and I feel like thats all i'm seeing all around me. I'd kill for your looks, and your talents, and your genious, and your creativeness but for now, i'm just going to stick with being me. One day, you'll be wishing you were me, I promise. [Let's make this rant short and sweet, shall we?] Hours spent putting everything out there, laying it all on the table, and my heart on the line, to turn around and second guess myself? I dont think so. I know where I stand, and everyone knows it to, and they fight it, and they try and break it down, but it's all out there, it's not false, it's not protected, my heart's on my sleeve, for the world to see. But sometimes, "I love you" doesn't cut it, and sometimes taking 5 steps backwards, won't get you any steps ahead. so i'm standing my ground, which is seeming pretty high in regard to where I came from. You understand? then understand this.. I'm not waiting. I'm not going through this again. Your making bad calls, and are about to get disconnected. I couldn't have made this easier, or clearer. I couldn't have left this more open to discussion, I couldn't have made this any less complicated. Get it together or get lost. and We'll see who ends up where...
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