It finally started snowing, after waiting for it all day. I think it's funny how everyone anticipates a snow storm, Only to bitch about it once it starts. I like snow but I don't like shoveling it. TACHI doesn't like it either All 6 pounds of her. Lol. I still haven't found a job, I will take anything at the moment. I'm trying to stay positive. I wish my snow mobile worked, I'd be ripping it. They say we're going to get 15 inches of snow. I really feel so un accomplished at this point in my life. One side of me already gave up, the other side is trying.. . I need to be stable, in all ways, and I'm not. Useless. If I keep wanting it ill get it eventually. I'm doing all I can. I wanted this to be a happy update but today just has me so irritated. So irritated I don't even want to write about it and relive it. Ha. Mercury. Thanks. The next 24 hours should be calm atleast, with all the snow coming. I'm looking forward to cuddling the day away with my animals. Coffee, movies, bongs..... am I pathetic? I really miss going to concerts. They are essential to my mental health. The memories that came up on facebook yesterday made me long for them! Covid, I guess. I try not to go many places... I just want to be content. ********************************* After I posted this, the ball joint on my car went cahoots....lucky me... Hopefully my mechanic cannfix it soon

January 6th already? That escalated quickly. The world scares me. I think everyone needs a hit of the fucking bong. Their own bong, of course, because, COVID. ... my cat is mad that I'm typing, Brb? I was high as a kite when I wrote the above .. I guess I am now too.. Any ways, I always feel like such a failure. I still can't find a job, its been 2 months.. I don't know I feel useless. I'm getting too used to being sad all the time and smoking pot That probably doesn't help. But it does (lol) its better than those pills they put me on. Yuck. I'm not good at this. I basically rescued a bearded dragon . His habitat was all wrong, it was hurting him. So I changed His light to an actual sun basking light and what not. I could tell after awhile in the heat, he was allot Happier and moving aroind.... I'm distracted right now Alright I thought that got deleted but I guess not. Same shit different day. I felt okay today. I can't sleep. It's 1:38am. My dog is sleeping on my arm. Maybe I should stop watching murder mysteries and atleast try to shut my eyes.

Seven years seems like a blur to me really. Have I wasted most of it? Probably.. I'm alive, if thats of any value. I've struggled mentally alot.. who even reads this anymore.? Hello.. ha ha. I forgot what it feels like to ramble on this thing. A bunch of run on sentences. Do I dare mention the big 19? Covid, that it. I'm 30 now. Ended up catching it. What the fuck was that? Am I just a constant disease now? People watch the news too much and I don't think that's good for their own mental health. I really want to get out of this country before they ban that too. Where would I go? With my dog � A beach. No, the mountains. Somewhere with fresh water and fruit. I should have started digging my bunker when I said I was going too. Maybe I should start typing my random thoughts more often. I don't know what to do about Anthony. I love him. But he treats me like, not that great. I don't feel loved. 9 years is a long time. Who knows. I don't Who ever reads this, I apologize for not making any sense. I use to have pen pals or something on here, what happened? Leo? Megan? I don't know.

It's been so long since i've written on here, like i said in my last entry 2 years ago. Ha. Life is good somewhat, been working at Stewarts for almost a year now making good money. Love my boo, love my fam. The only negative is that I lost my Gramma and i'm still not myself since she past. I miss her so much. I know she would want me to be happy &not being so down like i've been the past few weeks. I want to say.. LEO [inyearstocome] I, for some reason am thinkign of you right now cause you were a good friend when I was younger, even though it was only over the internet, i loved our conversations. I want to just send a HEY HOW ARE YOU out there if you ever see this :] pickelssssss. I was listening to Glass in the Trees and you just popped in my head! I know this is kind of weird but whatever :) Tumblr owns my life, but I think im going to start updating more and venting 'cause i know it will aid me in NOT ripping someones face off, hehe.Adios! <3

It's been, I would saaaaay, 5 or 6 years since i have updated my sitD, holy shit. Ive grown, I'm a new person. I actually just got done reading thru my WHOLE diary and it amazes me how my life has change, and not changed. and the people that were in it, and ARE STILL IN IT.. and a big SUCK IT EASY to the people who are no longer fortunate to witness this masacre! haha. I love life. I don't have contact really with any of my friends on here.... or do i even still have any? sitD has been thru a fuckload since ive hopped aboard... ok. I'm deathly sickand all these antibiotics have set my screws loose! Myffffeeeeeoooooooo<3 peace<3love&hAppiness:]

Sitting up in my room alone for first time in awhile made me think, a lot. What do I think about? I think about my life, and i think about the things i've held on to, and dwelled on and suffocated myself with, to the point i could barely breath let alone function, and why? to pass the time i guess, everyone's always searchin for a deeper meaning, or something to make them happy and the truth of it is, its just greed tugging at your skin. Look at the people around you, the places you go, the enviroment you're in, let go of everything else and realize that everythign you do, you have control over. its an amazing feeling. i couldnt be more thankful for the life i lead, or for the fact that i'm able to breathe. and while some could say, "you don't have it all" the thing is, i do. i might not be in a relationship, i might not have alot of money but all of that doesnt matter, because the moment i make one person smile, for that 1 second, i gave that person happiness. Everytime i make a guy laugh, to see that glisten in his eyes, that look that they give me, the softness in their voice, for that 1 second i'm loved, i'm fortunate to make that moment happen over and over everyday, and one day i'll be able to share that passion with someone that truely appreciates it and that makes everything ok. so what is left to be upset about? am i ok? of course i am breathing aren't I? OH. and fuck bitches that start shit. Start again, I dare you. It will be a reanactment of last time, baby. :]

The night's ocean is colored red, as the roses cut from my hand. It's time to move on from this, and I will grow from this. The sun shines dimmer each day, as the dissonant chord fueled by memory, we watch eachother grow, but children we still are, yearning to seek and to believe, we are not yet able to breathe. While we bleed the fresh air, and choke on the fear, of healing eachothers scars. Someone is there, someone is there. see with your heart, and cry with your eyes closed.

Will the brilliance of this dance burn?

I met an amazing person. The comfort of being with someone that appreciates you in all forms, is nothing but warming and comforting...

You should never have to pursue someone to take a role in your life, if you have to beg and plead for them to play a part then obviously they do not value to the extent that you need or else you wouldnt have to chase it, so walk away and focus your time and attention on those that do and the chance of meeting someone who does fullfill that. Hmph. I cant stand to be alone, I absolutely hate it. Being alone is one of my worst experiences which I have to experience very often late at night. I cant stand the fact of not being accepted, of not being loved, and while I hate not being myself sometimes, I mask how I really feel or think just souley based on the fact of keeping company. It pains me every night, but its better than facing my true fear of facing myself. My mind works like a thousand trains barreling down a thousand tracks nearly breaking the speed of sound. I compare this to trying and watch all a thousand trains at the same time and figuring out whats wrong with them while they are traveling at rediculous speeds. It becomes quite the struggle, and near impossible. Its a circle of thoughts that will never be broken, only slowed to managable speeds. And lately more than ever, I find myself questioning who I am, and what I want, and what I've done. I believe within myself, lies the answer to a question that thousands of people ask themselves everyday, It's just the fact that there's no drive to be able to deliever such a powerful message, there's no urgency because of the falling status of the world around me. I think i am important, and I think I am smart and I think I am caring; to an extent most people wish they could hold themselves to, and I believe this makes me a strong person and confident in who I want to be, but i'm not. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be coming to an end. but It's not the moments of an ending you celebrate, It's the preperation for the random emergencies at 4 in the morning on a random thursday that should be worried about. But worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you no where. so do I subcome to the world around me. or do I continue fighting for the good I know exists, and for my sanity....

A lot of things have happened since I last updated. Not good things. But they made me think.. a lot. I think that love, true love, is a concept thats been lost through media. i think its one of the few things that truely matters on this world. i think if you truely hate someone, than you are wasting way to much effort on hating that person when you could be doing something so much more productive. i hate lying, i think lying is one of the stupidest things anyone can do, because you're not only saying, "hey i obviously cant tell you how i truely feel or what really happend because i'm not strong enough" but you're saying, "i really dont think your worth putting myself through it". i think everyone has lost sight of respect, they build it up to this huge deal, when really its about as simple as you can get, just dont do anything to anyone you wouldnt put yourself through and be able to come out of with a smile. i think everyone needs to laugh, and not like smile, but laugh so hard it hurts, and i think they need to spend about 60% of their time awake doing this. I do believe that laughter is the best medicine, and i want to be the prescription, and if you know me, you know i try really hard to be it. i think sex is too much work if there's no feelings behind it, to get naked and bang someone with no feeling behind it, is too much work, i think i'd rather just finger myself or something, because then you dont have to deal with the conversation or the reprecutions afterwords. i think now and days kissing and hugging has lost its credibility, this is a really good way to express your feelings towards another person. i feel like friendships have losts themsevles in being able to associate with people that will get you places or be able to enjoy the same activities as you do, instead of being someone you can bond with. i think movies are an amazing insight into how things could be but are over dramatized for our entertainment. i think music only reaffirms how we feel and that can be dangerous. i think being able to have good communication is probally one of the most important things in the world, and without it we're all lost. *takes deep breath* ..and i know i am not perfect, i dont walk on water, and i've probally gone against almost everything i just wrote about. but what does this all mean? i think life is just that, life. its how you live, and what you do. i think if you dont live your life to make yourself more than anyone could ever imagine, and if you build up everything around you, you'll be far more loved than anyone could have dreamt of. and with all that, you'll impact lives, and it'll make your life so much more than a life, it'll make you live on, for as long as those lives live, you'll no longer be a person, but a feeling, an emotion, you'll be support, and love and if anything else a legend. so what do i think of my self...? yeah i am all those things, i do feel that way, and i try my hardest, everyday and every night and every second that i breathe to do all of those things, and i try to stick to what i think and how i feel as best as i can. i have fucked up, and i have hurt, and i have lie and cheated and stole and hurt. i'm not perfect and i'm not trying to be, i'm just trying to be the best that i can, and if everyday i can make one person feel or think differently about themselves or the world around them, if everyday i can make one person laugh, one person smile, one person dry their tears, then you know what i'll die happy and i think, i think i've done that...

It's so hard walking on this balance beam. Things are so passive aggressive, but not aggressive enough to be passive. It's driving me nuts. It's like watching a blind man cross a street, you know they can do it alone, but you just want to help to speed up the process, the anxiety is horrifying. but this is love. love is not demanding, it's understanding. It's respectful, something i haven't quite mastered yet, but I think i'm catching on pretty quick. There's a thousand things I could say, or do, but we'll wait.... so for now, i'll count my blessings, and keep staring at photographs no matter how processed they may be, it's still a part of every one of our memories. There's a reason why no one takes pictures of people crying or frowning, because these are times that should never be remembered. &This is a life lesson I think we all should remember. Including myself, unfortunatly I had to learn it in the most painful way possible, but these are the lines we walk, it's our choice to run or crawl. Never give up....but I give up.

How can you question everything I say? and how I breathe... How can you lead me on, how can you let me continue the chase? I've lost my mind, but I know one thing, I tried my fucking hardest. I always try to make everyone's life a little bit easier, and I don't ask for much in return.. I don't ask for anything. I'm a fucking doormat. ..and I swear to god, i'd burn this whole city to the ground just to make you feel something. I'm hurting, can't you see that? can't you hear me? [i'mdyingwithoutyou]

I feel ill with words of repentance and love. I could never forget what it felt like to feel my heart drop, and watch as lonley insects swarmed around it and fed off like a disease to a diagnosed patient. You no longer see me What am I doing; but holding back tears and thinking of you? With this tainted image of me, with no longer love but disappointment;I'm still here ..I just forgot I was human for a second, and that I can't just be some image. I have error. I long to hear your voice again, untainted with openness. I'm sorry for what I have done. I'm sorry. What have I done? I don't understand anything.

I am going to explain my weekend. Alright. Well, I don't remember what I did on Friday or Saturday, so I'll start with Sunday[yesterday]. I woke up around 11 to the sound of my neighbors country music, meehh. I layed there for awhile, then got up and talked to Val, took a shower, blah blah blah. Then it was time for the Emanuel and Senses fail show. The ride there was funny. Me and Val had to sit in the back back of my sisters truck thingy, it was comfortable, wee. We got there, we stood around for awhile, then it started. Val and myself just decided to spaz out the whole time, and piss everyone off. That was fun. When Emanuel came on I couldn't find Val. Ahem. Come on now. Anyways. Then we went near the merch table thing while Senses Fail was setting up and all that crap, and talked to The people from This time tomorrow, fun fun. Then Senses Fail came on. That's thee fullest I have ever seen Saratoga winners. The crowd almost knocked the speakers over, it was fucking hilarious, cause the look on the security gaurds faces were like "WHAT THE FUCK" haha. It ended. Josh, Val, and Jeremy (I think?) Stood around in there for awhile. We were stripping Josh. We got his belt and his shirt, ahha. I hit him in the "pelotas" [i'm busting out the spanish language. wee.] a lot. haha. he loved it. then I kept smacking his ass, so he got his belt from Val and whipped me. Oh baby. haha. We went outside, and stood around, and waited for my sister. We left. Then we stopped at this gas station thingy and bought stuff. Meer.. then we slept in the back the rest of the way home. Fun fun. Today: I'm hanging out with Mel. -gasp- It's been awhile. Then I don't know. Meh. That was long. Remember those days we were inseparable? Yeah, Neither do I..

The Senses Fail and Emanuel show was fucking awesome. I can't explain it. wee. Thank you, and goodnight.

Am I alone in this? never a night where I can sleep myself 'til day. We must try to figure it out, figure it out. It won't be that easy. We lost it somehow. You come over unannounced, silence broken by your voice in the dark. I need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves. I just felt like updating. I've been in a pretty "Blah" mood lately, and I hate it. I'm so pathedic. I seriously cannot stand this house anymore. Alright.

This past week was surprisingly good. On Monday Josh came over and we just hungout, it was fun. :) On Tuesday, I went to school, it was alright. When I came home, I took a shower and then Josh came. We talked for like an hour, then realized that we were supose to leave for the show an hour ago, hah, so we left. The show was reeeeally fun. I talked to Zach from Mae. He's nice. wee. I had a really good time, I'm glad Josh brought me. :) Wednesday and Thursday, I didn't do anything really, just school. I found out I brought my Spanish grade up...from a 36 to a 41.5. Yeah. On Friday after school, Val and I went to get our Emanuel and Senses Fail tickets for next Sunday. :) Weee. So here I am now. I just woke up, and my neck hurts. I don't know what I'm doing today. I think I want to do something with Val. I'm not sure. Hmm. _ I was feeling fine, you'll be coming clean tonight, and I'll be falling down with you, once again call me your valentine, call me once tonight. And I haven't said it's okay The things you said, I'm rehearsing them, The things you said, I'm rehearsing them

Nothing's okay when you live in a memory. To put it simply: Everything fucking sucks. kthnx, die.

Mercymercymercy I woke up very early today. 7:10am. I didn't want to be up that early, so I tried to go back to sleep but that didn't work. So I layed there until 10 or something, my friend woke up, and we watched the price is right. I love that show. I did nothing the rest of the day, mostly because I was tired and I didn't feel that great. I got into a big fight with my mom though, I hate fighting with her, but screaming is the only way to get through to her, I guess. I try just talking to her but it always ends up like "RAAAAAFHAKLFHASJKF", then I clean the house, then everything's fine, then it starts again. neerf. I love lying in my bed when my blankets are cold. It's so comfy :) Now all I need is someone to be next to me. :) That is all. Abandoned like a bombed out conversation