Things are starting to escalate quite quickly and this story is looking to stay alive until March. I'll be out of this ditch and have successfully dragged most of pi totes and furniturehalf a mile I. The snow to where I was stuck in the snow. I have to come back though, and I now have to come back with the police to make sure things stay civil because of the impression they are leaving me. So rather than fight them both and risk them using their guns or something stupid I'm just going to get the authorities involved and request a property removal order for Mid-March. They have more to lose than I do because I have given up on the stupid attachment I had to fixing the farm up. It's too much work and at odds with them all the time. And their addiction and fickle behaviors are getting worse. Everyone else in the family is telling me to get out and that if had been them or anyone else in the family they had left or ended up in a violent situation the first month there if that. I'm ok with this being a personal failure. I just really wish it had ended differently just because of the wasted potential. I never thought my Dads warning would manifest itself in my family, even though he warned me of my mother's side of the family a long time ago. Was I feeling sorry for them? Or trying to mourn my own loss by distracting me with their shitty situation wishing I could fix both in some strange way. One thing I will say getting clean here was the best thing that could have happened to me because I'm watching two people in the throes of their own daily addiction and depression. And it's just sad. I looked up to my cousin Jon when I was 9-13 and it's so sad to see this. I though Uncle Ricky was just a lazy genius never given a shot and have know learned he's just man sullen in his own shortcomings and self sabotage. The fact he's ruining his Sons life to this day and the fact that whenever Jon would say that in a drunken rant yet never taking him seriously about it until now. He was right. And let me tell you, my mother is no CUNT actually she's a saint because of many times she's stuck her neck out for you in the last year an half when you needed money, to see you forget all of that in the "what have you done for me lately..?" is just horseshit uncle. Not too mention all the other shot I just turn a blind eye to. Like...hm fucking around behind my Aunts back while she fights breast cancer for example? Never mind. This is why men get a bad fucking wrap in this country. You have idiots like these claiming their masculinity and no one to check them with reality of just how weak they really were. The fact my mother and my aunt could give this guy so many breaks goes to attested mental strength. This guy couldn't have any faith if you paid him to fake it.

I finally made it out and by fortune and hard work. And while I moved whatever little Incould under such hostile environments and having to keep watch over my mother and this Schmuck and His Son. So as to make sure that they act civil. I just had to come back and try this time with a smaller vehicle that wouldn't get stuck. I don't want to give full details of just how shady my Uncle and cousin have been last few days. But let me tell you that I'm only trying to move our things like he's been demanding like a child for the last three months. And now here I am suck a second time because we weren't able to get our all of basics and paper work. Stuck this 400 into the road. I feel like this guy intentionally drove his car and got himself stuck to cost me more for Tow or whatever misery loves company Shiraz it won't get me down tonight because I have the money, legal right, and everyone knows where I am so if any funny business goes on I'll be ready and there would be consequences. Hoping it doesn't get like that. I had a snow plow come and this guy was so helpful and just alike not my uncle/cousin/family that I was almost taken aback wondering is this how normal people are? I tell me u clean that I can't get a tow truck until they plowed enough for the same truck to get in. He blames me for the reason his stupid Jeep is stuck now. (Which I think is bullshit and that he's playing games). It's four wheel drive and the dude quotes 15 mins in. And tells me to figure it out, but then tells me that 10 o'clock is too late for him because he drove all the way in from d trout. I'm like dude why can your son just back the Jeepbup after it's been plowed? He never even consider asking him to lift a finger either because he thinks he's retarded or has like no faith in his son. Or they are trolling to cost meoney thinking it's going g to hurt me. Well gum that I'm dragging all of our things cross this mile long road in a cart and loading my Uhaul up I do t give a damn so that when morning comes whether they are up or not and ready I'm just going to have him yank his shit out. And get me on the side of the road, and since I will have filled everything up i won't have to go back down the trail. And I have just been throwing shit out material shit I not only have no use for but can't carry because my fucking arms like frozen and I'm pretty sure my lip have frost bite. But I know the other side of this is a better life infact this new place on the other side of state is what I've been hoping for and I can really take care of my mother and let her live her life without my Dad. Hope. I mean it has hot water and heat. Can I ask for more? My biggest mistake was taking my uncles word for it that we could come live here and everything would be hunky dory until we got on our feet. Now...we're just "cunts" to this guy. Why...? It's sad to say at its core: Family Mental Illness. Never have I learned so much about where I come from and what I don't want to be. And so if I'm stranded here until Tuesday night so be it. I have friends not tooo far ftoo I'm here that will take me and Indont want this to get uncivil physically because these asshole own fire arms (one of the reasons my mother stopped paying their bills because he spent his trump money all 750 on as opposed to O don't know...fixing the electric or hot water tank? We even offer to replace it...?Stupid Atwell Pride. So if I waste a few years of my life doing this don't give a shit. It has to be done. 11:30 is my start time and hopefully my socks and long Johns have dried. Wish me good luck and good riddance to this damn Teash Mpuntain waste of potential. Like this place is an ecological disaster. Shameful. And it's like no matter what I did and how hard I tried to help all they want is the money I do t ha e because yo, you aren't the only one...? And these aren't like bills we racked up? Hi at the simple shit...?bit but a new pair of boots costing 400 dollars and bleed 30 bucks a month. Man oh man.

Sorry that I never let you go, but let me be honest of all the things my addictive personality cling too much of them all you were the queen. I just don't want to get high anymore in the same way anymore. There are different things that wake me up in the morning. I've figured a way to channel this energy into a totally different obsession. I won't be young forever but at the very least I can start chasing the real things I need. As opposed to what I had always chased in want. So sorry that I loved you for so long and didn't think to realize until two years ago this was an addiction. Forgive me. I won't bother you again.

A watched pot does nothing, wholly simple in colour and Gypsy in character. I have no shame. The amount of cruelty I have put on my body has been truly something and the month isn't even over. No hot wasser? Fuck it get used to cold showers. The first at thing I've done was pack away my toys except my telecaster and few items of clothing and have decided to sell or forgoe them entirely. The property? I'm staying because the rent is cheaper and the environment is just the right amount of conrete reality, a training ground for the real world. And where to go from here? I have a few ideas. When this entire property is cleaned and when my body is clean. That's when I'll leave. I've finally have something worked out with my roommates and I don't really care what's going on outside. My theory is this: if you have an addictive personality like I do, and you let your mind with nothing to do, boo action to take, the mind will find shot for you to ruminate and hate yourself. But when you're in the throws of life and busy all the time with struggle, you hardly have the time or energy to revisit yourself unless you wanted to. I've had enough of myself I want to see the next thing, the next phase of life to come.

I have a hunger for something to make me feel alive. Drugs won't work, alcohol won't work, anything else won't work. Adrenaline that's what I gotta have. Something turned a switch on inside my heart when I hurried away from the funeral to go yell out in some random field in Dearborn. Am I calling to God or even my late father? No I'm calling to life and laughing. It's all I can do? I feel like risking my life and taking a chance. To crash and burn failing to turn away. I'm not talking about canal pleasures of fleshed our desires. Survivors guilt. That's what these feelings are. Where have all my positive male role models gone? I decided that psychosis isn't all that bad because I don't believe my own bullshit. Can I be the best person I can be while facing my own madness and off kilter? Well I decided to keep diving in the depths of despair. I believe it's Nietzsche that supposed having to repeat life over again and again. Fuck it. Let's do it. Bring on the pain and craziness.

My Uncle died last night from COVID-19....he was the only that helped me pay for my fathers funeral. And just...wow. As if I did t want to dig a hole and join everybody already or out my head in the sand for the next two years. Just...

Today's a day to fuck and tuck my emotions. Lets go!