I am so happy I found this site again it was taking me forever to remember my user name but I saw one of my old friends on here posted and when I clicked on them I saw my old user name so I want to get a big thank you and shout out to you I wont post your full user name but thank you doorknobs!! I'll update more later when I have more time life sure has changed over the years, I'm just happy to have this site back!! I check this sire before a few years back and it was down I just happen to be thinking about it this morning and here it is!

I don't understand people sometimes. I have this friend, lets call her Cat. So Cat and I have been friends for some times now about two years, I want to say her and I are good friends, I've been there for her through a lot and she has been there for me There was a time when Cat went a little nutty (fell off the bandwagon, boy crazy) I'll leave it at that but lets also just say when she was going through her nut phase it worried some people and she was not exactly easy to deal with. But anyway she also has two kids who I love very much we spend loads of time together, the father of the kids is there though they are not married on paper. She has gone back and forth with him. "I love him" "I hate him" for awhile there during the nut phase she "loved" a differet guy every other week. "the other man" she is/was on and off with two there was a few other guys mixed in there but there all but gone now, she has pretty much only been with "Daddy" for at least three months now. I understand because she had he first born when she was 21 and her and "Daddy" had only been together for like a month of two before she got preggo, so she never really had a chance to be wild and have fun. So I never held that nut phase against her and never judge her. But then I get the feeling that she judges me, and gets annoyed with me when I talk to her about things, I used sit through hours of her bitching about boys and her gossip about all that other behind the bedroom doors stuff but the ONE time I went to talk to her about something like that she got all annoyed cut me off and didn't want to hear it. I never went or will go "Nutty" like her. I just had a bad first date and she didn't want to hear it. I do A LOT, for her and her family. It's her, the two kids, "Daddy" then her Mother and her Step-Dad. I give her rides all the time when she wroked with me, but she lots her job now. So I'll let her use me car to go food shopping and do laundry or for whatever else. The Step-Dad is the only one who has a truck and it's his work company truck, his boss is only letting him use it so he can get to work. So I'm being really nice letting them use MY CAR, so they can do all this stuff, I'll help out around there house and I ALWAYS watch the girls. Half the time I'm there I'm waching the kids and Cat is doing whatever else. I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted. There are times where Cat is very snappy with me, like she can't even have a conversation with me, or when she's helping me with something is likes she mad or annoyed or will yell at me. Tomorrow I'm suppose to help them so they cabn go to the laundry mat but after that I don't think I am going to be spending as much time with me. I'm a good person, I care for people and will do whatever I can to help the, but I DO NOT let anyone treat me poorly anymore.

So i guess some time has passed since my last post, it's not that I haven't been writing it's just that I haven't been writing in here some things are just too personal to post to the world. Even tho you guys don't know how I am, you can never bee to careful. SOOOO anyway I have been writing in my book journals I am now up to three almost ready to start the forth one. I do like writing in here and it is a heck of a lot easier but there was a time where I could not get on here the site was down and I don't want that to happen again so I use both. Sometimes when I am having a bad day or going through a difficult time I go back to my journals and see what I have been through and have overcome and that usually gives me the strgenth to get through whatever it is I'm trying to get passed. Funny thing is most of the crap on here and in my books are about guys (not a bunch of them just two) Its mostly me writing about these two guys and what they did to me and how upset I was, about how so in love I was and that all they did was hurt me but I for some reason coudn't let go, now I read back and laugh at how ridicouls I was. Never again will I let a guy or anyone treat me like those two did, half of these posts are either about Cancer (nickname to the last one) or Sly (not a nickname I have him but his own) Sly and I are and have been on good terms still, hes still harry pottering it up a the house though. Cancer according to my sister flipped her and Heather (the other woman) off the other night. Apparently my sister and her were on there way into Seaside Pub, walking from the parking lot when Cancer "speed in and spun his car around, I though he was going to crash that's how fast he was going. He starried at Heather and I then flipped us off and speed off" That's about word for word what my sis said, now I do be;ieve some of that but I can't always believe 100% of what she says, shes been known to instigate. I don't really care tho. It's been a little over a year since I told him off and told him how I really felt. For three years I was his wipping girl, taking in all his abuse and dealing with his crazy bullshit, when I finally told him the truth about how he treated me and how blind he was, that he is the reason why he dosn't have many friends and why he can't keep a relationship but he denied it all. Completly blind to the truth, has no clue how he actually treats people or how mean he really is. But I'm over it and have been. I'm back to normal now, Ive even dated some wonderful guys but I'm not ready for that still, I'm working on me, getting my life in order. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet before I bring anyone else into my life.

I literally hate people sometimes. Ever just have one of those days where everything annoys you? I really am just gonna lose my s@#% one of these days and its not going to be pretty. My phone is actually making me more mad right now and I'm stuck in hell for seven more hours so ill have to update more later this rant is not over theres a lot more I need to say and get off my chest

Its funny how different life becomes as we get older, how much faster the days go by and before you know it it's been years. I may not be that old but it's hard to believe that its been six years since I graduated high school. So much changed and some has stayed the same but I have learned so much over the years and accomplished some of my goals. I'm still trying to move forward and make a better life, one step at a time. I have decided on something and ill share that when it come colser to happening but this will be my step to a better life. How things have changed, my love life has flourish. Over the past few months I have gone on many, many dates each one more boring then the last. I began to think I no longer had the ability to get feelings for someone then it happen. I met soneone who i adtually enjoy spending time with. I haven't felt like this since the c-factor I am both overjoyed and petrified Its the onesyou love the most that hurt you the most, i have been taking it slow, i don't believe this guy will hurt me, but I am slowly investing my emotions for him. I'm not being jaded just cautious I'm protecting myself but everything so far has been wonderful One step at a time I may be a runner but that doesn't mean I have to move fast all the time

Please No!! I just dont want to go out, I don't care about this Holiday I'm not Irish. I don't want to drink, I don't want to party, I don't want to have to get all dressed up. I haven't slept well in days, i'm trying to quit smoking and i'm cranky Im just really not in the mood to be around people. I DON'T WANNA GO!!!! I promised I would Humans are suppose to be social creatures and yet all I want is to be alone No, I don't want you to buy me a drink No, I'm not giving you my number STOP STARTING AT MY ASS!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! Touch me and I'll punch you I'M NOT stuck up and I'm NOT a bitch I'm just not looking for anything No No relationships No No casual sex No No F@#% buddies No No NO NO!!!! Just stop!!!!!!! I am perfectly happy on my own, This does not upset me but I have no one in my life that i can rely on i have no one i completely trust, so many things i would like to talk about but cant, no one understands but i do, so i write I write in here and for the more personal things i write in a book i already have two filled and am working on a third THIS IS MY STORY MY LIFE One day when i'm old ill look back and be gald that i have written

So I have been going back and forth between writing in my journal and on here. My life is really crazy right now. a lot of things have happen some frineds have been lost but I really do not care. People can be really stupid at times and they can believe the most crazy things but oh well. The people who you thought were smart can be really really stupid. No point in crying over split milk. I'm not crying, I'm not even upset. I'm starting to think that I'm not a relationship kind of person anymore, I invested so much time and energy in both Tyler and B. I did everthing for them, I loved them so much in the end I got my heart broken. I'm finally free from them. I have been free from Tyler for a long time now but I was hung up on B for what seemed like forever. I did so much for B, all I wanted was to be with him but all he did was play with my heart he was never honest about how he felt and I come to find even months after I told him off hes still talking about me. I'm over it, he needs to get over it. It makes me mad that he will never know the truth, he is and always will be blind to how he treats people. In his mind he is Mr. Perfect and has done no wrong, when in reality he is the biggest asshole I have ever met in my whole life. Untill he learns or realizes how he is he will never be happy. he thinks everyone treats his like shit when in reality hes the one who treats people like shit. He is selfish, self centered, aragont, racist and narcissistic. I don't even know what the hell I saw in him. I wanted to help him, I wanted to help make his life better all he ever did was tell me how horrible everything was for him and how nothing was ever good for him. I would try so hard to please him and it was never good enough. I blame him for my own downfall. I was so concerned in making him happy my own life went to shit. He's an incubus, a soul sucking demon that feeds off women, he will take you and isolate you from everyone making is so there is only him, then he will start treating you like shit making you feel wothless and horrible, makes you believe your the worst person in the world when in reality its him, he is the monster. Thats what those kind of people do. In order to make themsleves feel good they must put down others. I could be dating a world famous super star and he would find something bad to say about him, just in order to make himself feel better. He is scum. WOW..... I got off topic there, I was trying to talk about how I can't seem to date anyone and then I started talking about B or as I call him Cancer. I am over it, I just got reminded of him the other day when Sammi told me about how him and her talked for a week and the whole week all he talked about was me, kinda made me feel good, I hope he misses me, I was the best thing he ever had and he fucked it up and that's too damn bad. He hurt me one to many times and now I just don't care. See that's my problem, I like assholes, and at the same time I don't. I need to find a happy meduim between mean and nice. I can't date a needy pussy, all these sesentive mamma's boys make me sick. What sucks is I did meet someone who I kinda like but it will never happen, Sigh. Even if I am single for the rest of my life I will be ok with it, as it is I am ok with it now.

I am in control, I am in control, this is MY life. I have the choice, it is all up to me. I can't blame anyone else. I can't let others make the choice for me. It's my lfe, it's my life. I have problmes, and so does everyone else, it's no excusse. I am better then that. I am stronger then that. I have the will, I have the power to say no. NOOO!!!! No, no, no. NEVER again. I will not, I can not do that to myself anymore. I am off to the gym, I will update more when I come back, I just needed to get that out. I needed to remind myself what I'm doing.

We all have our good and bad qualities, some more so then others. I am FAR from perfect but one of my less then good qualities is that I tend to always push people away, I only let people get so close to me before I start to push. I am aware that I am doing this but I can't help it. It's all his fault too. Ever since the B factor this is what I do to people. I used to be able to text back and forth with friends all day long, share all aspects of my life, let people in and see what's really going on in my head, now all of that annoys the crap out of me. I just want to left alone, it's no one business but my own, No one needs to know what I'm thinking, what i'm doing or what's going on in my life. I'm not trying to keep secrets, I just don't see the point in talking about everything. It's like I'm living on another planet and I'm all by myself. I did it to myself. The few people that I DO talk to is because I am forced too, or because I feel bad if I don't. No, I don't want to see you. No, I don't want to talk to you. I don't like texting stupid crap back a forth. I don't want to be bothered a 1000 times a day with nonsense. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and I do enjoy spending time with them, when were face to face. In person. I hate phones. I hate that I can reachable 24/7. I like human contact, I like talking and conversation. I hate people who texts me novels, I don't care. I hate people who only say things via text and not in person. Grow some balls and say it to my face. Sometimes I feel like no one really understand me, and I'm actaully ok with that. I have been in a battle with myslef since I can remember. A fight aganist depression, anxiety, addiction and love. I have lost many battels in love. I have been left cold, alone and bleeding to death on the battelfied, but each time I have bandaged myself up and made it to safety. I have kept my mind open but my heart closed and again I'm fighting to open it. All the times before it opened on it own I never had to force it, so this to me is a sign. A sign that this is not right, These things happen naturally, and in time it will happen again. I am in no rush. I'm still finding and working on myself. Truth is, that if I'm not sure who I am then how can I be with someone? How can I expect to have a relationship and have that person understand me when I don't even understand myself. As for all my other battles, my depression is a battle that for now I am the victor. Some days the war is waging but I can beat it, the gym is my battlefield, its the warzone that I can always win in. This is one of my other battlefileds, writng is my heart spilling out, it's the escape of the pain I hold on too, it's an release of my anxiety. I can beat these demons but they will never been completely dead, so once I beat them, I gear up and wait for the next battle. Pervention is the best weapon. Addiction, I beat that one too but that is a deamon that is the most dangarous. That one is sneaky, it attacks frist with depression then with anxiety, then it starts taking over my thoughts. I had my wake-up call, that is a deamon that won't be defeating me anymore. As powerful and as sneaky as it may be I will defeat it. Just like cancer I'm in remission, remission from all my demons, and like I said pervention is the best way, I can stop them before they attack. I'm doing what I need to do to stop this from happening to me again. I am not depressed, I do not have GAD, I am not a druggie. I am not any of those things, and I will never be. I am better then that. Those are lables I do not want associated with myself. I am not a monster, but I am no angel. I have done bad things and I have done good things. I don't judge others and all I ask is for people to not judge me. but that is something that is inevitable. I will be judge and I will labeled. But I'm trying to change that. It will take time to prove myself but I am willing to take the time to do that. I must prove it to myself before I can prove it to anyone else. I have a safety net now, so if I fall I won't drop into the bottomless pit. All the times before I was fighting alone, a one woman army. It's nice to now I have soldiers by my side willing to fight for me.

No one said life was going to be easy I just never thought it was going to be this hard. I honestly dont know what to do at this point, either way I'm prerry much F in the A if you know what I mean. It's like I'm cornered and trapped with no one to trust. I know what I have to do, and as scary as it is its the right thing to do. Fear is the worst emotion, its makes us crazy it eats away at us the stress alone can kill. There's a line between good and bad, right and wrong that line isn't always clear but its there, the ones who protect us can hurt us and vice versa Truth is I'm more afride of the ones who hurt us, I wont let fear stop me from doing the right thing, maybe it's time to start having faith in the right things again

There are times where our past comes back to haunt us? We all make mistakes and we learn from them, but to have the mistakes come back and hunt us after we already learn from it is torture. There is not much that I can do as this point, I must accept things for what they. Mistake or not, I still did it. And I guess this is life's way of putting me in a time out. I don't think I deserve this but then again who actually believes they need to be punished. I'm not a monster, but I'm not an angle., My problmes are my own fault (not really). I do know how to fix things, or at least make them better. I really don't care its just the way things are, how they always been and will be. I love my family. I love my friends, but sometimes I feel like they don't really know me. I feel like I get treated poorly a lot of the time. It dosen't bother me much. Compared to my past I have gotten a lot better at this. It used to be really really bad a few years ago, even last year I was bad with what I let people do to me. I have grown and changed and I am stronger then I ever was. I used to let people walk all over me and be so mean to me, I put up with so much abuse but I am not that little girl anymore. I'm not scared. I don't deserve to be treated like shit. So now with I fight back or say no it makes me look like that bad person, cause I'm standing up for myself. In time things will get better. I need go now, I just got back from the gym and starting writing this. Now its time to shower, change and head to work. Hopefully we don't a snow storm tonight...ugh

I don't even know anymore, I am so confused and I have no clue why. I should be happy, I should be a lot of things that for some reason I am not. I have said it once and I'll say it again being a girl is horrible. I swear our brains are always working way to hard and make us think about crazy things, honestly just crazy. Off topic but just a thought in the back of my head, when someone tells you that you are their best friend it is a wonderful complement, but be aware they might not even mean it. I feel like I am not this person's best friend. I am just someone that dose them favors and helps them out. My kindess has yet again gotten me in trouble and messed up things for me. It's a shame because I really do enjoy Mr. Swayze's friendship, and yes that's a nickname. Swayze and I seems to think a lot a like, and we can have conversations and understand one a anothers train of thought. That's a rare thing, I have not met many people who I have that conection with. For the reccord I am not in love with him or anything we just have a really good friendship or so I think we do. Anyway, Yes, I have met somoene, my little ghost goblin, yes another nickname. Weird? maybe, you don't need to get it, I get it. He's wonderful, so sweet so kind, fun to be around and good to me. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am like bird like the song I only fly away, I'm trying to stick around this time and not run, maybe I'm scared, maybe I don't know. I don't really know. My heart and head are in a battle, and I don't know who is going to win. For now, one step at a time. I like taking things slow. Rush me and I will run. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt. One step at a time, I don't want to mess things up and I don't want to fly away. The cancer that was in my life has gone away and sadly I still think about him. Mentally he destroyed me, like cancer he ate away at me, slowly taking over me, got deep insdie my heart and killed it from the inside out. I will never be the same. I loved that boy more then anything in the world and I still think about him but that's all it will ever be now, just a thought a memory of a love I thought I had. He was a magician, everything was just an illusion, and I fell for it. I must say it was a very believable trick, he had me beliving he cared, that things would work out. like a yoyo he would pull me in then toss me away. push and pull, push and pull. Making me more and more crazy with each toss. I have never felt a pain like that before in my whole life, it was terrifying, literally there was times when I wanted to die. He made me feel so awful at times and everything was always my fault. I made him treat me so bad, it my fault. NO. No more tricks, I can see his slight of hand now, the illusion is over. Smoke and mirriors. No more. Sadly he dosen't even know the truth, he believes his own tricks hopefully one day he will come out of his own illusion and stop looking into the fun house mirror.

Do you know what's worst then getting your heart broken? Watching someone you care aboout get theirs broken, or worst yet your older silbing. It's heart break centeral in my house right now, my poor older sister just had to move back home after living with her boyfriend for about two years. I didn't see this coming, they seems like a perfect pair but as we all know to well life can be quite the shitshow sometimes. I feel bad for her, I really do. To see her like I was over Tyler and the B factor kills me. Even tho her and I have two very different ways of dealing with this stuff. I tend to lock myself away deal with it alone. Talk. Talk. Talk is all her and I seemed to do today, and I can only give her advice based my own experieces. It's funny how different her and I are when it comes to these sort of things, How to deal with it, what to do about it. I told her to relax and let things cool down for awhile, let him think. It's always best not to stress over these things, even tho that its close to impossible your mind is always thinking about it and everything little thing reminds you of that person, the random crying, the pain, the sadness. Love is a drug it is the Dope of emotions and heartbreak is withdrawls, and there is no magical pill or drink that can get rid of these withdrawls, the only cure is time. I believe her and him will be ok and get back together, I think he is just going thru a little rough patch in is own life and needs some time to think and figure some things out. depression can do a lot to a person and we all need alone time sometimes. It's always important to know who you are. To know yourself by yourself on your own. You need to get inside your own head sometimes and understand how you think, see the world and how you see yourself. I know that I need alone time sometimes, as funny as it sounds I think about how I think somestimes, I think about the problmes in my life and how I look at them, most of the time I see that it's not really even a problem at all, its just sometime silly, we over analyze things, we think to much, some of us are to quick to anger and don't take the time to reallly think and understand. I find that I undertsand people well, I can see things thru there eyes. We do things for a reason but sometimes we focus to much on what happens and not the reason why it happen, you have to find the reason before you judge.

Three days ago I was suppose to have something. Something very very important, something I need, I have been able to get by and be ok but it's the constant worry of not knowing what will happen that's killing me. I got lucky today I almoat and it happen to me it was starting to really bother me but I got there in time. Everyday since Saturday its been don't worry it will hapen Today, in the morning then not till after one then not till tonight and so on and so forth, It's klling me so finally I begged from the bottom of my heart for tomorrow it NEED it tomorrow no more games these "what ifs" will be the death of me. I do not want to go through what I went thur this morning to happen again I can't deal with it. Its late, I'm tired. I went to the gym worked at Oasis (had two clinets) tried to slove my problem then worked CTS 4 to 930, I got to see C he camed and visted me at work for it bit it was nice, he had to borrow my jumper cables after tho, then after worked tired again to fix things and it didnt work so needless to say I;m ready for bed, i will update more later for now zzzzz

I would love to just get away Far far far away from this place and everyone, start everything new and fresh, is that even possible? I literally live on a sandbar where everyone knows everyone and nothing is a secret that sandbar is Cape Cod, maybe you have heard of it, maybe your one of those people I can't stand that come down here in the summer and make my life hell. You guys make it impossible to drive anywhere, and a lot of you guys are very rude to us Cape Codders. Yes I totally understand that you guys want to have a "nice" vacation, but is it really necessary to be rude and leave trash all over our beaches? I have gone on vacation to Florida and a few other places and I was never rude to people working in stores and resturants, While their working I am not and am enjoying myself so the least I can do is a be nice to the person, come on people what ever happen to common courtesy? Please and thank you? Or just a simple smile? Annnyywwaayyyyyyy.... Still nothing from the B-factor, nothing has changed there. But moving on and onto new things is kinda scary, but like I said in my last post I can't hate all guys that come into my life, just because I have been hurt by past men dosen't mean there all bad. Things have been going well actually with this new one. But I'm moving very very slow, I don't need to be swept off my feet just to be dropped on my ass. But I think I can trust this one. Funny thing is when I really like someone it's like an istant feeling, from the moment we meet it's like I know, I get this feeling I can't describe, but I felt it with Tyler and the B-factor, from the very first moment we saw one another and spoke and it's not lust or just phyical attraction, its much more then that, I can sense something in them, But then again who knows if I can truly trust that feeling because both of them were NOT good to me, Tyler is much better now and has changed so much, he realizes how horrible he was to me and he dosen't even know why he treated me the way he did, but hes a different man now and for that I am happy, I helped him become a better person, and he is also much happier now, too bad that didn't happen with the B-factor. I feel sorry for him now he will never see how he is. He will never change and he will keep getting into the same realationship issues again and again. Hes so unhappy, and it's sad. If he could just wake up and see things for what they really are he could change and be happy. He is the reason for his unhappiness, he causes all the problmes but he just dosen't realize it. I did my best to help him and be there for him I put up with so much abuse and I feel bad but I just could not handle it anymore. I got so mad and told him exactly how it was and has been for the past three years, and to him none of it happen. I was the crazy one. It's sad, but I can't dwell on it anymore. I am thankful I no longer and in love with that, I didn't deserve what he put me thru and no woman dose. I hope he is nicer to the next woman he meets, I would not wish what he put me thru on my worst emeny. Go on, Moving on, I keep on moving on getting a little better each day, I have hope for this one. For the first time in a long time things finally feel right. Lets hope my senses are right this time.

Have you ever just had one of those days where your just like what the hell am I doing? I just don't know anymore, I am at a lost here, I am starting to feel like I have lost control again, I can stop whenever I want too, but what if I don't want to stop? I have no reason too. What am I even talking about? You guys don't know. and to be honest you don't need to. These posts are for me not you, I can say or not say whatever I want. I'm not in any trouble yet, I have my life under control for now. I have a lot of changing and imporving to do but I still have my head above water for now. I just don't know what to do, or where to even start for that matter. I have overcome so much in so little time I just needed a break for it all, just needed to break free for the chains that held me down for so long. Good, bad? Whos to know? Everyone is so judgemental, I don't see why is matters so much. Who is to say what is right or wrong when is comes to your life? If it makes you happy why dose is matter? Blah, blah, blah.... I'm in one of those moods tonight, I'm just idk, fine I guess. Not happy not sad, just normal. Today was a rough one, things didn't go as I hoped but I still got to spend some girl time with my right handed lady,and got to see my right hand man so everything did end ok, I still think of him, random I know. But I do. Not a day has gone by that I don't, at least I'm not crying over it anymore. He dosen't care, he never did. I need to keep telling myself that. Moooooving ooonnnn, I am moving on, I need to let myself be happy and let other people into my heart and life, not everyone will be like him. Not everyone will hurt me.

I got a new laptop!!! YAY! I have missed posting, writing on here is something I have done for years I used almost everyday but not having a computer then having to share one made is very difficult and even with a smart phone I wasn't able to use ths website so I'm just glad to be back. So a lot has changed since my last post, that "date" went well but honestly I just wasn't "feeling it" or well him, don't get me wrong he was awesome I just, well I don't know what my problem was to be honest, I like him as a friend and enjoyed spending time with him but not in that spceial was, I thought at first we could be more and give it a couple chances but he just isn't right for me. I can't control how I feel about people, but anyway I have actually met someone else and I don't want to bite the bullet on this but so far I am feeling it really well. This might make me weird or maybe I'm not the only one but when it comes to guys I like it's an instant feeling, like from the moment we first met I get this feeling a spark nd I felt the spark something I have only felt three times in my life, this is the first time I have felt like this since the B-Factor. It's still too soon to tell and I don't want to get my hopes up but I can honestly say I am excited. Baby steps tho, I am not rushing anything, and I am not gonna let this run my life. I have learn my lessons in my past with guys. I'm not making this my main foucs and I'm not killing myself over it. Like when he texts me I'm not running to my phone to answer or dropping what I'm doing just to answer. I do like him but I don't want to make him think he's all I think or care about because then he will most likely treat me like crap. That's what's always happens I do too much too soon, so for now I am putting the E-brake on and taking it really really slow, I'm not about to get all crazy over a guy again to just be let down. I really do hope this works out tho, He's deffiently a winner, He's tall, has a nice body, really handsome, and had a great personality. The first day we met we talked like the whole day, that's really rare for me, right from the start I felt like we had a great connection and felt like I could really be myself. In my last post I said how I would say what happen with the B-factor but that was weeks ago now and I haven't heard from him since, maybe now he is gone for good and that is for the best, he never loved me anyway he didn't even care, time and time again he proved to me how little I really ment to him, this is for the best. I don't have the energy right now to explain everything but in time I will its late and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow so for now, goodnight

Time for an update The past few weeks have been pretty crazy. The guy who I thought I could trust told me I was just a rebound and he's back with his ex, Whatever. He wasn't that cold about it but that is the short story, time and time again this happens, Oh well. I'm actually over it. Were gonna stay friends and don't worry that wasn't the B factor. This was another guy who I met and for a few weeks there we got really close hanging out all the time and well I had a feeling something was up so I took a step back with my heart and good thing I did too, cause this happen. The heart wants what the heart wants I can't get mad because he has feelings for someoe else I can be mad that he didn't tell me, but he did. And said he was sorry, it's fine. I'm used to this shit by now. It's no suprise to me I ecpect it now, that's why I don't invest my heart into anything anymore, I'll still give guys chances but I don't let myself get attached, at least not for a long time. ALSO you would all be very proud of me, for the first time ever I told the B factor exactly how I felt, the saturday before last we were texting and he was prying for info and when I wouldn't give him any he started saying all this messed up crap as usual. I'll get into more detail in my next post but for now you will get the short story since I don't have the time today. So bascially I told him that he was never affectionate with me, how he would push me away when I wanted to cuddle, never said he missed me, was never lover, treated me like a piece of meat, there was like maybe two times he ever cuddle with me and all the other times he was affectionate with me was during sex. He denyed the whole thing said I was crazy and made it all up in my mind, and then said a bunch more horrible things that again I will get into more detail in my next post, so I just ended up telling him to leave me alone that I could no longer do it anymore, always blaming myself and not standing up for myself that I was a good friend to him did everything he asked of me and then some, that he was in the wrong not me, mind you this is the FIRST time I have ever said stuff like that to me and again he reacted like an ass, he push me to the limit this time with what he said and apparently he can dish it but can't take it. What I would really like it know is, dose he actually believe he was good to me? That all the horrible things he said and did to me never happen? Dose he actually believe he was affectionate with me? Cause if he actually dose believe it then that's just totally insane, he can't show me love even tho he says he dose care about me, he never showed it, but says he dose. I wonder if he was just saying that to defend himself cause I literally blew up on him, first time I actually stood up for myslef to him. I just can't believe how blind he is, that he might actually think he was good to me. He must know, he has to know how he was with me. I believe he needs help. but anyway we havent spoken since that day and I'm still "The crazy bitch, who makes things up and believes them" when he is the one who is making things up. Whatever. I'm glad I stood up for myself, maybe what I said will sink in and he will see for once how he treated me. On the plus side the reason why I can't post everything I want right now is because I have plans to hang out with someone else I met, oddly enought his name is like mine. Anyway we met at the gym, he happens to work there and we always chit chatted and now have become good friends, I don't know what to think at this point but I can't wait around for the B factor forever I need to start giving more chances, This one seems like a nice guy and I can't make him suffer for other guys mistakes so I am giving him a shot, my walls are up and I will not let myself get hurt but I still need to see whats out there, hes super nice and I'm not used to that at all so I'm trying to open myself up to that, I have never been treated like a queen before I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but this is good for me. Also crazy workouts everyday are paying off, when I started a year ago I was a size 8/9 I went shopping for pants with my best freind Sammi on friday and now I am a size 3, she is an amazing friend, all my pants were took big so she suprised me by taking me shopping and buying me two pairs of pants and a snoopy shirt. I'm getting closer to my dream body. PS: I love Snoopy, and older co-worker at CTS has made pins for us a few times really7 cute ones he makes by kinting, I asked if she could make a Snoopy one and she did and I love it but last week it fell off my work apron and I lost if even tho I looked everywhere I was so upset, yesterday at work she suprised me as well with a new one and a stuffed animal Snoopy if was so sweet of here, I also work as a massage therpist so I told her I was going to give her a massage which she was happy about. Lesson is take the good with the bad, its the small things in life that can make you feel better at the saddest moments.

So yea I guess I kinda over reacted with my last post, he texted me back ther next morning saying he fell asleep and mention how I went crazy with all my texts. Honestly based on pass experiences with him I expcted him to say horrible things to me and never talk to me again. When he thinks that I blow him off or make excuses to not hang out with him he dose this thing where he ingores me, so I though that he was doing that. Well anyway again because of texting he hates me and never wants to speak to me aagin, its so easy for a text to come out wrong and for it to not sound as we plan, he saw his ex girlfriend today and told me about it, because he saw her he remembered that he wanted to ask me about a post somone left on a picture I tagged out mutural friend in, now this guy who commented on the picture is a friend of my bosses, I met him once he came in for a massage, apparently the B factor knows him because of his ex. I didn't know but he was the guy he told me about before that supposply set his car alarm off when he was at party with his ex, this was last year then he started going off on me about things that he thinks happen when they didnt, called me a lair then chaged the subject to talking about games I said that I was hurt, he asked why, I said believe what you want but that Tyler guy was not there that night and that I was the one standing up for him when everyone else was talking shit. He was then like well I remeber both sides of the sotry and it dosent make either one of them ture, I got upset because he is clearly thinking of his ex and taking out his anager about her on me and I said that he was clearly thinking of her cause he saw her today and maybe it was a sign that he saw her and that he should send her a message and she would be happy to hear from him. He took it the wrong way, I didn't mean for it to sound bitchy but it did he told me he didn't need bitching in his life and for me to leave him the fuck alone. After that I tried to explain to him I didnt mean it the way it sounded and also said that I was happy that after months of him not talking to me it made me happy to hear from him and that she would feel the same. It's obivious he still cares for her, hes just so stubbron he wont ever admit he misses anyone or contact them first. Girls like it when guys show they think of them and care. I know he dosen't give two shits about me and I'm ok with that but I still want to help him. I feel like thats why he keeps ending up back in my life. I'm suppose to help him. The way he views life and people is so cold and horrible, He is cold and alone in the dark and I feel its my job to show him the light and warmth that life has to offer. He needs to learn that not everyone is evil, not everyone has hidden intentions, to stop over thinking everything and see things for what they really are. I may be alone and have no one but helping people makes me not feel so alone, I believe I'm one of those people who are meant to be single and help guide others, to help them see the world in a better light, help them open their hearts and minds.

Here I am again You would think I would learn from all the times before, but no, stupid stupid, I did it again, though thankfully I am not head over heels in love this time. So I guess that's one good thing to be happy about. Anyways, so yea hes back, but as quickly as he came back into my life he is gone again. There was two wonderful and amazing nights and now this. So heres what happen all day yesterday I was texting him about me wanting to hang out today after my job interview which went well I think, well yestereday he never gave me a straight answer about wanting to hang, I even was sending him all kinds of things last night went full out just for him, All day long his texts were short and delayed I thought he was working so I didn't want to bother him too much after my job interview and the gym I texted him and asked how work was going, he said he wasent working he was moving stuff and almost done, So I figured he would text me when he was done, we texted a little bit I sent him another pciture then he stopped texting me. I also didn't ask him what time or anything because of pass experiences with him when I would asking about hanging he would get mad. He would always be like I never said I wanted to hang stop assuming I'll let you know, he would always do that, so insted of asking I waited, waited for him to text me, to let me know what time or when he was done, never did then at 8:30 he texted me saying, "for some reason I thoguht you wanted to hang out today" and I said "I did/still do but I thought you said you were moving" and he said "I said I was almost done at 5:30". then I said I could still come over now and I was waiting for him to text me and let me know what the plan was. I sent a few more text then finally said that I'll leave you alone sorry that I missunderstood, I wont lie. I am upset, I was looking fowared all day to this and he never even comfirmed with me and I still had hope, I even made dinner for him, why dose this always happen? I have no clue what I did wrong this time. I didn't want to ask him again this moring if he wanted to hang but I felt like he was gonna get mad just like he used too, things were finally ok and now this. BUT Besides this all I have been doing is working like a dog and being a gym rat, everyday all day and my body is still not where I want it to be, I'm trying so hard but still not quite there yet. I would really like for a change of some sort, something good needs to happen to me before I completly lose my mind. I am probably one of the most upbeat and postive people now always looking on the bright side making the best of eveything but I am at my breaking point, I can only take so much I have been little miss sunshine for months now and dealing with more shit then anyone knows and I am literally gonna lose it. just for once it would be nice to have a real friend.